--- Shade <rowan_phoenix@yahoo.com> wrote:

First off, on the "Grandma Hina is dead" question, I'm one of those
"do you really need to kill off Grandma Hina?" people from the first
chapter. However, I can live with it, even if I think it's
unnecessary and closes certain interesting possibilities in the plot.


However, I have to agree with elisteran that this second chapter
feels much more like a poorly written lemon than either Love Hina or
Ranma. 

Narusegawa screamed in horror as she finally comprehended her
situation 
and started to flee. But in her panic, she forgot all about her
firm grip 
on the young man.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! LET GO!! LET GO!! LET GO!!!"

Ranma started yelling in pain as he was dragged along behind the
screaming girl 
by an appendage not designed to tow the weight of two people all by
itself. 

This is something Keitaro would do, not Naru. Naru either breaks
contact immediately or punches. Often both, but never does she pull a
Keitaro, prolonging inappropriate physical contact "by mistake."
Keitaro isn't in this fic. Why does Naru have to take on the H
aspects of his character?

{Noooo! He's going to have his wicked way with me! And the worst
part is 
that it actually feels pretty good! Oh why do I have to be such a
sucker
for this kind of forceful seduction right out of a trashy romance
novel?}

Because this is Naru on lemon?

"Miss Naru, is something wrong? I heard you cry out from my room 
and...WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!"

Then it really hit the fan as a tall girl in an old-style kendo gi 
appeared on the scene.

As has been mentioned, wasn't Motoko out training? Kitsune would have
no reason to think so unless Motoko had announced it. Maybe Kitsune
could think Motoko was still at a Kendo club meeting or something?

"ZAN TETSU SEN!"

Ranma identified the technique as a high pressure air wave launched
by the slashing
movement of the girl's wooden blade. Tatewaki Kuno had often used a
similar move against 
him before.

Motoko doesn't use air pressure attacks. In the manga she
specifically says she uses her ki, and I can't recall any mention of
air pressure. Unless there's a reference I'm missing, of course. ^_^

With Kuno the air pressure was strong but lost power fairly
quickly, 
making it a relatively short-ranged attack. The stubborn kendoist
could 
fire them off pretty fast, but it depended on repeated strikes
hitting 
the target in order to do any real damage.

But this girl had just fired off her attack from a good thirty feet
away and her attack 
didn't look weakened in the least. If anything, it seemed to be
*gaining* strength as 
it crested over the water towards him!

Yeah, even at the beginning of the manga, Motoko's attacks are orders
of magnitude more powerful than Kuno ever gets. Would Ranma mistake a
ki wave for a pressure wave? Assuming that Motoko's sword attacks
have transit time, of course (not saying this is a problem, since it
isn't clear). 

He managed to jump out of the way barely in the nick of time. The

Maybe "barely in time"? "in the nick of" seems redundant to me.

He'd forgotten how much Ki attacks hurt. They did less physical
damage then
regular attacks, but since they attacked the spirit directly he
actually 
felt them a lot more. 

Ki attacks are weaker in the Ranma universe perhaps, but he's lucky
Motoko was holding back. She split an 8ft tall boulder in Ch 5 with a
ranged ki attack.

This fic has a lot going for it, but I'm having trouble getting
around all the gratuitous H-ness. Even by Love Hina standards, this
is way over the top. Then there's the OOC-ness of Naru. Why is she
channeling Keitaro and some swooning dime store novel
maiden-in-peril? It seems you've replaced the missing Keitaro with a
Naru/Keitaro hybrid, throwing in swooning to top it off. I don't
think that's what you had in mind, but that's how it's coming across
to this LH fan. The other LH characterizations work for me, though.

That's my take, anyway.

Brian Welch

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