--- Gary Kleppe <gary@garykleppe.org> skrev: > Elin B <elbju@yahoo.se>
wrote:

"No," she said, "No, I don�t think so. Not now."

"No," she said. "No,
(or)
"No," she said, "no,

Ack. Missed that. Will use the second version, with the comma.

All of your apostrophes seem to be non-standard characters that are
likely to look completely different on other platforms. Suggest you
replace them with regular ASCII apostrophes.

Oh, dear. I thought they were regular: they look so from my end. Drat.

This was in late August, a month or so after the Unholy Big Row
between Akane and Nabiki. It was also after Kasumi had started to 
attend an evening class, with a peculiar older man in the same class 
who had just begun to pop up in the neighbourhood, making her family
members a tad nervous and suspicious. The Great Piglet Revelation was
still in the future, but not very far off anymore. On other fronts,
Shampoo was still blissfully unabducted, and Konatsu had yet not
stumbled upon the recipe for Benten�s Love Dumplings.  

First off, I'd recommend skipping a line between paragraphs, or
indenting, or both. Otherwise the only way to spot breaks is when the
ending line of one is short, which won't always be the case.

Okay. 
I've also thought of changing the Kasumi thing to something shorter,
perhaps:
  Kasumi had recently started attending an evening class, with all that 

  this would eventually entail.
(Though actually I have no idea what this might be.)

Unless I rework this introduction entirely. See more below.

Second, while trying to set a context for your scene is good, this
feels like a lot of information that's been stuck in here arbitrarily,
not as a natural part of the scene. Is one of the characters present
thinking all this? It doesn't seem likely, since it's referring to
events that haven't happened yet. Having your narrator talk directly
to the readers is bad storytelling.

Also, while the Capitalized Phrase For Something Important Enough To
Have Its Own Name is a legitimate device, try not to overdo it.

Well, some writers can pull this technique off, like Wodehouse and
Tolkien. And many do it just for a few sentences in openings. 

(I think having the narrator talk to the readers can be a distancing
move, reminding them that this is just a story. But cartoonists like
Tezuka and Takahashi can put in gags that work in the same way, drawing
attention to the fact that we're just reading a comic ("Did I just hear
a 'STAB'?"); and yet their stories still engage us. Can't something like
that work in prose, too?)

But I will consider the opening again. I wanted to set an easy, familiar
tone, not come across as trying hard to be funny (then again, who
does?).

I guess what I also wanted was to use references to non-manga events in
order to ground this scene in a way that might make sense to the
characters that would have lived through these events. (The future ones,
too - the story is set in the past tense, after all.) I didn't want to
say something like: "It was three months after the failed wedding..."
Sure, to the readers the end of the comic is a natural reference point,
but it might not seem like this to the characters, after some time has
passed.

And I wanted to give a life-goes-on feeling, and that we might not
necessarily have to be privy to all that happens to these people.

But, as I said, I'll think this part over again.

They had been talking a little about Soun Tendo�s recent decision,

which

he had announced last night at dinner. Apparently. Soun�s cousin, who
lived over in Vancouver in Canada, was going to visit Tokyo for a
week-long visit, the first time in years. Naturally, he had asked if

the

Tendos could put him up.

RANMA: Probably another self-insert character. Bleah.

Heh. An entirely natural conclusion for him to draw, of course.

(Actually, the cousin just needs to live somewhere far from Tokyo, in a
place that might make the Tendos think of him as successful and
glamourous. The cousin himself is not important, I think: he's just a
catalyst for Soun.)

For some reason, this had made Soun decide to
open the dojo up for classes again. He wanted the Saotomes,

especially

his prospective son-in-law, to help out with the teaching. They had
several weeks to advertise and prepare themselves, since the cousin
wasn�t coming until late in September. (He would, in fact, be

arriving

right in the agitation of the Great Piglet Revelation, and get a

rather

skewered view of his host family as a result.)

Again, don't talk directly to the readers. If this is just a plan in
Ranma's mind, fine; if you're telling us that it's going to happen,
you shouldn't be, IMO.

It is the omniscient narrator again, I'm afraid. Ranma's planning
nothing of the kind.
I felt I needed a casual remark here to somehow indicate that I'm not
actually planning to write about the cousin's visit, which I think
people might otherwise assume.
Perhaps if I put it like this instead, inside the previous sentence,
it might come across as somewhat less annoying:

  They had several weeks to advertise and prepare themselves, since the 
  cousin wasn't coming until late September (he would, in fact, be   
  arriving right after the Great Piglet Revelation, and get a rather 
  skewered view of his host family as a result).

(I'm afraid capitals is a must, if I'm going to use the phrase at all. I
just tried using lower-case letters, and it doesn't look good. Piglets
are small enough to begin with.)

"Well, you've never really taught before, did you?" she said. "You

know

how to fight, but not teach.�"

A non-standard quote mark here between the period and the real quote
mark.

Thanks for pointing this out. It's a leftover from when I pasted the
text from a .txt file. I went exchanging those things for what looked
like regular quotation marks - to no avail, it seems. ;)

"Well, neither do you," Ranma pointed out. 
She nodded. "But Dad isn�t leaning on me to help out,� she said,

�though
                                                      ^           ^
More non-standard quote marks here.

Thanks, again. 

"All right, so I don�t have any experience of that stuff," he said.

"But

you�ve got to start somewhere." A thoughtful look came into his eyes.

He

turned and looked at his fiancee, tilting his head. "Say, do you want

to

become my first student?" he said, nonchalance mingled with hope in

his

voice.
Akane's eyes opened wide. "I mean," Ranma continued, "you did say

just

Suggest a paragraph break after "wide", to keep Akane's action
separate
from Ranma's dialog.

Have done so. Also expanded into:

  Akane blinked, her eyes becoming very wide.

I think it stands better on its own like that.

the other day that you wanted to be better, so that you could handle
people like that latest loonie by yourself if you had too..." He

trailed

I think you meant "to" rather than "too".

Right. Thanks. 

"Hm," said Ranma uneasily, struck by a new thought. "What if your
teacher�s some looney, though? Or a pervert?" He could picture the

scene

easily, with a naive, wide-eyed Akane stepping up in her yellow gi
saying �Please, sir, I want to learn martial arts, sir�, and how the
teacher, handsome yet lecherous, would smile and say, �Very good. Let

me

just show you some useful pressure points�. Ranma clenched his fists.

Nice expressive bit here.

A loud snort from Akane interrupted these musings.
"In that case, I�ll just belt him and go look for a different

teacher,"

she said drily. "Really, Ranma. Who do you take me for?"
"Someone who always gets caught up in trouble," he answered promptly.

Sheesh, look who's talking. ^_^;;; Ranma gets in a LOT more trouble
than
she does.

Of course. My thought is that Ranma would be worried about her, believe
she's less equipped to handle the trouble she's caught up in, etc.

He listened to the sounds of the neighbourhood around them. Family
fathers were coming home from work, opening and shutting gates and
doors. Dogs were barking. Teenagers were going out in clusters,

talking

and laughing down the street. The sun was setting out of sight,

beyond

the garden wall and the neighbouring houses. Only the very top of the
house was still basking in its reddish-golden light. 

Try to avoid so many "was" constructions. Direct forms like "dogs
barked" generally sound more dynamic.

Will consider, but I'm not sure that dynamic constructions are needed
here, as opposed to continuous ones. Still, this passage does scan a
little clumsily to my ears, esp. in the beginning, and perhaps this is
why.

Akane seemed a little different these days, he thought, more grown up

or

something. Well, at least sometimes. He supposed that was a good

thing.

Only, did this mean he had to act more grown-up as well? And what if

she

was changing and growing too fast for him to keep up with her?

AKANE: Right, now you go get the body oil and cheetos, and I'll set up
the trapeze.

RANMA: I knew it. Did I tell you? I just knew it!

^_^

Foreshadowing!

Boy, she's been quiet forever, thought Ranma, glancing at her. A few
minutes ago, she looked slumped and brooding; but now she looked more
languid again, much like him. She was resting her chin in one hand

and

gazing upwards. He too looked up at the sky, growing darker by the
minute. Night was coming fast. He felt as if he could capture this
evening, this moment, to hold it cupped in his hand as if it were a
firefly. But why would he do that? 

I like the description of his feelings here.

Cool.

AUTHOR'S COMMENTS: This came about from my wish to write a

contemplative

piece, and to write more densely than I usually do. Feedback would be
much appreciated, whether critical or not. This is my first work of
fanfiction in prose.

All in all, a nice piece. I think you captured the spirits of the
characters quite well. Though I'd suggest cutting the stuff like the
Great Piglet Whatever It Was, which doesn't seem to have had anything
to do with the story. 

Yah, as I said, will consider it. Possibly the mood I was going for in
the opening is not actually helpful to the rest of the story, as I had
hoped it would be.

The Nabiki/Akane fight I'm not sure about; it did
kinda get tied in towards the end, but I think it'd help if we knew a
little more about it.

Yes, perhaps that is the case. But it would disturb the story if I put
in something like a flashback. 
(I thought a big, serious fight with Nabiki might be something that
would make Akane grow up a little, losing some of her fears - especially
if it takes place after vol. 38.)

Thank you very much for taking the time to comment in such detail.

Cheers,

Elin


H�strusk och gr� moln - k�p en resa till solen p� Yahoo! Resor p� adressen http://se.docs.yahoo.com/travel/index.html

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