Sorry if you get this twice, Denise. 

Denise Cameron <denisecameron@eastlink.ca> skrev: > 

This was in late August, a month or so after the Unholy Big Row
between Akane and Nabiki. It was also after Kasumi had started to
attend an

- Unholy Big Row?

The kind of thing that blow up in families at times. It needs to be
capitalised, but perhaps the choice of words could be different. Perhaps
just Great Row would work better.

They had been talking a little about Soun Tendo's recent decision,

which

he had announced last night at dinner. Apparently. 

Ick. I just noticed I put a period instead of a comma here. Should be
'Apparently, Soun's cousin...'

Soun's cousin, who lived over in Vancouver in Canada, was going to
visit Tokyo for a

- You don't really need "over", there.

But it is overseas...

And you could also replace the second 
in with a comma, but that's up to you.

You're right about that. I will. 

right in the agitation of the Great Piglet Revelation, and get a

rather

skewered view of his host family as a result.)

- Great Piglet Revelation? Is this a planned plot to reveal who P-chan
really is?

Eh...depends on whether you mean planned by the writers or by the
characters.
It's intended to convey that Akane somehow finds out about P-chan . I
just wanted to use a new phrase for this often-told plot element.

Akane's eyes opened wide. "I mean," Ranma continued, "you did say

just

the other day that you wanted to be better, so that you could handle
people like that latest loonie by yourself if you had too..." He

trailed

off, aware of her stare.

- Looney, unless you mean the Canadian dollar.

Loonie is a Canadian dollar? I had no idea. Thanks. Will change, of
course. 
Then this looks like a really good line for MST-ing.^_^

NABIKI: I'll be glad to handle the loonie for you, sis.

AUTHOR'S COMMENTS: This came about from my wish to write a

contemplative

piece, and to write more densely than I usually do. Feedback would

be

much appreciated, whether critical or not. This is my first work of
fanfiction in prose.

-It's good for a first piece of fanfiction, I know it can be hard to
set
your writing gears that way.

-While I was reading, it felt like you were rushing through the first
bit,
then when you got the parts where they weren't talking quite as much,
it felt more comfortable to read. 

Hm. I don't want that: I want people to follow their conversation at an
even pace. 

You might want to take more time
with the explications at the top, or cut out a few of them even, since
they're
not all necessary for what Akane and Ranma are thinking (unless you
plan
on making a continuation.)

I like the explications, but you may well be right. Will consider.
Thanks for the advice.

- Oh, one more thing, and this is more of a stylistic thing then
anything.
It helps if you put a space between each paragraph, for reading. Up to
you, though.

- Denise

You're the second person to point this out, so it looks like I'll have
to sprinkle some spaces in here and there. :)

Thank you very much for taking the time to comment. I'll see if I'll
post a revised version on the list, or just put the fic up on
fanfiction.net after the changes have been made.

Cheers,

Elin  



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