To understand what's happening in this story, you should at the very least
read "Thy Outward Part", which for the moment can be found here:

- Did so. I like how you put in the parts about how the Art is what's
keeping Ranma going. That was very appropriate, and it really gave me a feel
for
what sort of person Ranma is, now. During the series, it was important to
him,
but now it's his foundation.

That doesn't read very well in a browser, so you may wanna download it and
open it up in a text reader.  It's not a virus, I promise.

- I just copy/pasted into notebook, then clicked Word Wrap.

this.  Flame it, flame me, call me silly names, I'm perfectly willing to
hear it.  =)  And if you happen to have any constructive criticism to

share

as well, I'm will to hear that, too.

- Will do. Well, minus name-calling and flaming :-) I tend to just write
what occurs to me as I read, I hope that it's useful.

Time Never Did Assuage

- Nice title.

The overweight man hissed in a whisper that could only be heard a mile

away,

"Shut up!"  Then, in a more normal tone of voice, "I don't know why they
make us stand in line like this.  They should computerize registration.
This is, like, so archaic."

- Oh, but that would be money. Nice to see that colleges don't change even
in fanfiction :-P

Ranma shuddered.  The men's program.  Only men were here waiting their

turns

at the rings.  Ranma looked at the other side of the room.  Women were
practicing there.  Wearing leotards that exposed everything from thigh to
ankle and left no mystery at all about the shape of the rest of their
bodies.  Even now, even here, Ranma could see some of the waiting men were
staring pretty fixedly at the practicing women.

- *nod* It may not be to that extreme everywhere, but that's pretty bang-on
for most gyms that I've been in.

Ranma replaced the receiver.  She stared an accusation at it, then sighed
and turned towards the stairwell.  Casually she leaped over the rail,
eliciting a startled shriek from two women in the process of climbing up

the

stairs.  Ranma landed and sauntered towards the front doors, determined to
leave but not anxious to arrive.

- This paragraph really strikes me, for some reason. Good work.

The dance room was empty as she stormed into it.  Immediately she face

away

- First mistake, and it's most like a typo that went unnoticed. Should
be faced, here.

"All right."  Ranma repeated the procedure, this time using much less of

her

hair.  This attempt looked much better; the hair sticks were not too
prominent and Ranma couldn't feel any hair on her beck.  Ranma gave her

- I think you mean either back or neck, instead of beck.

The words, a non sequitur, but not really, commenting on the dress, why

was

she wearing it why why?  "I know.  We'll need to reschedule our training
sessions.  I've joined the gymnastics team, and they begin their workouts

at

about this time.  Tomorrow, just before dinner.  We can see just how soft
you've let yourself become over the school break."

- I just had a thought. Why didn't you put Ranma's thoughts and
feelings on telling Kentaro that she is really a guy, and how it happened?
Is it
because you don't think it was needed in the story, or do you go into it
later?
Once you get to the part after she's in his dorm, though, you do have a good
amount of reactions there on the matter.

Ranma closed her eyes and reached out her hand.  It found his and clasped
it.  He instantly returned the pressure, and for a brief instant she felt

an

urge to test his hand strength.

- Hehe.

Ranma turned and walked quickly away, heading towards her dorm.  She kept
waiting.  Waiting for the shock and horror to settle in, waiting for the
disgust and self-loathing to overwhelm her.  However, while she still

found

echoes of all of that in her soul, they were all deeply submerged, with no
real strength.  Instead, there was mostly... contentment.

- I'm still waiting for Kuno to run onto the scene and try to take her away.
He
really wouldn't fit into this story of course, but it's sort of amusing.

That actually made Ranma laugh.  "No, that's not it.  I'm still happily
married, y'know."

- Happily married? Interesting.


- Alright, finished. For starters, I want to congratulate you on how well
you portrayed
a woman. I have only seen a few authors (such as Robert Jordan) pull that
off so well.
I really felt that I could relate to Ranma, and she really developed and
grew from the
angsty, miserable Ranma at the start.

- As Krista mentioned, though, it might have been nice to have Kentaro's
name
mentioned more frequently in this fic, even if we already know it quite well
from
reading the other. I'm sure you had him in there sparingly because you
wanted
this to be a focus on Ranma, not Ranma's relationship with Kentaro, but it's
nice to have a reminder of a name to hold onto.

- Kudos on developing the secondary characters, too. It's nice to see
well-developed characters all around.

- Overall, this is excellent, and I'd like to see more of your work once you
get
your website up.

- Denise


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