On 25 Nov 2003 at 15:25, croaker@rochester.rr.com wrote:

--->

        "Fire..." she began, a thought occuring to her.
        "Again?" Jadeite shook his head. "Haven't you realised it won't
work?" He put out his hand to block a third strike.
        That never came.
        "What..." he blinked, then started to turn, realising what she
was planning.
        "Soul!" the phrase finished, flame roaring from her hands to
smash against his as he twisted, trying to block.

I didn't get this at all.  He put out his hand to block the attack,
then turned because she was going to attack from a different
direction?  How did she change directions?  The flame still came from
her hands.
<---

I can think of two things to clarify this particular scene.

One, imagine Jaedite mostly turned away, ignoring her, with only one 
hand raised to fend off her attacks. He "knows" she's not powerful 
enough to really hurt him, and he's saving most of his effort for 
watching for Sailor Moon.

Two, imagine Rei figuring out a few basics of how her powers work, 
and taking the time to build up some fairly serious energy into the 
attack before letting it off this time, instead of just blazing 
away.

For the most part, though, I agree, this scene needs work. It's one 
of two things -- a half-baked attempt at re-creating the original 
circumstances of Rei's awakening, or an attempt to show Jaedite 
connecting with his human side. The latter could make for a very 
interesting 'fic, but either case, the scene needs more work. 

Hm.  Well, he's not indicated as being turned away from her to begin 
with.  I can see what you mean, but it really needs to be stated 
clearly in the fic.

Anyway, it reads is as though Mars starts her attack, then Jadeite 
expects an attack coming from a different direction, then Mars 
releases when he tries to face the other attack.  There's nothing to 
really indicate her fireball got bigger or the spell became more 
powerful--it was just a delayed release, as far as the story read.
 
As for Jadeite...I'd really rather see some development with him 
rather than having him die and be replaced by one of the other 
generals.  With a four-year backstory between Sailor Moon and 
Jadeite, something needs to come of it.

As for tutoring: Usagi is holding down at least one part-time and 
one full-time job at this point -- photographer and superheroine. 
This does not leave a huge amount of time for studying, but she's 
clearly getting some in. Now that she's willing to actually try, 
instead of goofing off and reading manga, her intelligence is 
showing through.

That wasn't the problem I had, actually--though obviously she is 
going to be rather busy.  I just don't get her motivation for going 
to college at this point.  There's nothing in the fic to indicate 
that she wants to go, what her reasons for wanting to go are, etc.  
She's already got the job she wanted, so why go to college?  She's 
already got more important things going on.

If she IS going to college, there should be backstory to support it.  
She should have a history of struggling with school while running 
around every night killing youma, or something.  The fic doesn't 
indicate that, though, and so the whole school thing exists in a void 
as far as the fic goes--it's just there with nothing connecting it to 
the rest of the story.

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