Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
First note: I skimmed the revision of the previous chapter, and from
that skim it's much improved.
Alan wrote:
"I do hope you won't pass out on me too soon," she whispered,
the tiara lighting up in her hand as she bent down. "That takes all the
fun out of it." The muted light from the tiara illuminated Sailor Moon's
face as she drew closer and the youma tried to scuttle away before
screaming out as the glowing disc cut into its side.
Outright torture seems a bit much for Usagi, even Usagi on a vengeance trip.
"You have a rather inventive nature, Sailor Moon," Jadeite said,
appearing shortly after she was done, one eyebrow crooked at the broken
corpse of the youma that separated them.
I'd probably put some sort of indication that time passes before the
dialogue. Otherwise, it seems a bit disjointed to me.
"What do you want, Jadeite?" she asked.
"I was thinking about offering you a job. My Queen would
certainly find a place for your talents."
Sailor Moon laughed.
Jadeite glowered at her. "It is an honor to have such an offer
placed before you."
"Not interested," she said, walking away.
"So be it," Jadeite sighed. "A shame, truly."
It seems slightly off to me, that if Jadeite was inclined to make such
an offer, it would take him four years to do so. You might want to
consider instead having him reference a past offer, i.e. something along
the lines of:
"It's a shame you didn't accept my offer of a job. My Queen would
certainly have found a place for your talenrs."
and so forth.
Either way works, of course.
"I'm letting you walk away tonight, Jadeite," she told him,
turning her head slightly. "Show your face again and I'm going to kill
you."
This also seems a bit off... Usagi has, up until this poitn, always been
eager to take on Jadeite. Why let him off now?
"Good," Ami tapped the book in front of Usagi. "Now, read this
chapter and then take the quiz at the end. I'm going to help the
others." She moved off, not sparing a backward glance, and began
chastising the other pair who were being tutored. The young man was a
fairly sensible type. A bit clumsy, it seemed, and often nervous around
other girls. The girl, who always arrived with him, and usually seemed
to wish she hadn't, was fairly nice as well. Though a bit intolerant of
her friend.
It seemed like the young man was always tripping or being shoved
into the girl, however. And usually landing in an inappropriate
position. Which resulted in the girl doing her level best to send him
into lower earth orbit.
Ah, the "plausible deniability" cameo. :)
Hrm... so, Usagi is in college? Wouldn't it be a bit difficult for her
to attend school, hold down a job, _and_ have time for being Sailor Moon?
I certainly didn't get the impression from the first chapter that she
was in school... or is she studying for a university _entrance_ exam?
Chiba Mamoru stood on the platform, watching the train start off
into the darkened tunnel before shaking his head. "Interesting."
If Mamoru was waiting for the train too, wouldn't he have at least tried
to get on?
"You have been sweeping that same spot for the past hour,
granddaughter," her grandfather's voice murmured, intruding on her
thoughts.
"I suppose I'm just distracted, jii-san," she replied.
Do you really need to use the Japanese word here?
"Strong in spirit, Tsukino-san is," her grandfather mused.
"Talking like Yoda, I must."
"Perhaps I can see the future," Setsuna responded, arching one
eyebrow, rising from her seat. "It was pleasant speaking with you, Hino-
san."
"Likewise, Meiou-san," Rei began...
Rei hung up, then started to dial Usagi's cell-phone to leave
the same message and stopped, frowning. A moment's thought showed her no
reason why doing this should bother her so, so she shrugged and
continued dialing.
Interesting.
She floated, a dark, featureless void surrounding her. It seemed
to go on forever, forcing her to break off her study or risk madness.
She could feel herself, could see as she said the her that was in
control now said those horrible things to Usagi. Made her cry. That had
surprised the her that was forced to watch. Usagi never cried where she
could be seen. She saw herself turn away from Usagi, mocking her tears
with more harsh words. Saw Usagi try to get through to her. Saw herself
slap Usagi viciously, calling her a worthless sentimental fool.
The "she said" in "could see as she said the her" shouldn't be there, I
don't think.
It would probably better to either first go through this bit through
Usagi's point of view or to rewrite from Rei's with more details as to
what is actually happening. Like, where they are, what they were
talking about, and what exactly is being said. As is it just seems like
there's a missing scene.
Also, it's hard to see any motivation for Jadeite to have Rei do such a
thing.
And that's all I noticed for this chapter. Hope some of that was useful.