Author's note: Well, since the manga is now available over here,

maybe a

few
more readers have gotten the chance to know "Azumanga Daioh!"

It's so cool. Azumanga is great.

So it is. And it's so easy to cross into a variety of other shows and
themes... It's a wonder there haven't been more Azufics, really.

      An ordinary calico cat was happily licking its paws on the

hood of

a small blue sedan, savoring the lingering taste of its most recent
meal.

Grits. It was a Kansai cat, and everyone knew that only hicks lived

out

there

Eww.

Its peace was interrupted, though,

recommend dropping 'though'. Superfalous (sp?)

Hmm. Will consider. I feel the "though" sets the contrast between the
peace and quiet that the cat was enjoying, and the shock that Yukari's
cry caused it.

Oh, it's "superfluous" ^_^

when a sudden, excited shriek

tore through the scene and shook windows up to miles away

would reword as 'up to a mile away' or 'windows miles away.'

Gah. Will do. Weird sentence structure slipped through...

      "Honestly, you're making so much racket for su

ch a little thing!"

the blue-haired gym teacher chided.

Nah. don't even bother with the hair color thing here. It parses off.

Was trying to go for a bit of description there, but I'll probably drop
it, yeah.

      "So I pleaded for the help of my friend to keep my precious

crab

in the safety of her locked car!"
      "You dragged me out of gym class to give you my key-- Huh?"
      Yukari shrugged, oblivious to how her friend had paused in
mid-stride. "Tomatos, tomatoes.

Intentionally spelling it both ways?

Yup. Why go with the old "potato/potatoe" cliche when Chiyo's Daddy has
his thing for tomatoes?

Hey, you think ketchup goes well with

crab?" There was no answer, not even a glib comment. Turning around,

she

called, "Hey, Nyamo--"
      But Nyamo

While I use 'But' to lead off sentences all the time, it doesn't feel

right

here. I'd drop it or add something before it.

Hmm. "Nyamo, though, was [...]"? As with the cat scene, I want to show
jarring switches between past and present attitudes.

was standing stock-still, her face locked in a rictus of

horror and her shoulders shaking not unlike jello on a paint mixer.

'not unlike' seems wordy. I'd just say 'like'

Heh. Yah, it's a bit unwieldy.

 She

only

drop 'only'

Point.

 lifted a trembling hand to point ahead, towards her car. Puzzled,

Yukari turned forward again and stared.
      "Agh!" Yukari exclaimed, grasping at her hair with her hands.
      "AAAH! AAAH! AAAAAH!" Nyamo's trademark freak-out started
full-blast. There was a gaping hole smashed through her car's rear

left

window. A small piece of glass from the upper edge swung gently,

then

dropped with a *tinkle*.
      "MY CAR!" she finally yelled.
      "MY CRAB!" Yukari cried, pushing Nyamo aside as tears streamed
down her cheeks.

Like I said, typical Yukari.

Right, like Yukari would be worried about Nyamo's car being vandalized
:P

 She raced towards the battered vehicle, hoping against

hope that her precious delicacy had escaped unscathed from the

ravages

of suburban crime. Nyamo just floated in dismay towards her poor,

poor

sedan.

I think 'poor, brutalized' (or something similar) would sound better.

I'm going for a "That poor, poor thing" analogy here. Dunno if it came
off that way.

       As the two teachers bawled over their horrible loss, a trio of

students chatted obliviously as they walked past the parking lot.

The

shortest one, though, was quick to notice the adults' distress and
asked, "Yukari-sensei?"
      Yukari dimmed her sobbing just enough to face her and moan,
"Chiyo-chaan... My crab's gone..."
      "A!" the long-haired one blinked, "Yukari-sensei had crabs?"

Among other diseases, I'm sure.

XD

      "Baka Osaka!" the girl with short hair groaned. "It's seafood!
Yukari-chan told us she got some at noon, remember?"

I'd drop 'at noon' since it sounds like that's when she received them,
unless that's what you meant.

You're probably right. The scene doesn't really need to say when Yukari
bragged to the class; that she told them at all is enough.

      "Aa..." Osaka drifted off, then turned to her friend,

"Yomi-chan

had crabs once... Have you had crabs, Tomo-chan?"

Tomo: Yep. In fact, I got them from her.

Yomi: Don't say it like that, people will get the wrong idea!

Osaka: Aa, Yomi-chan is getting crabby again...

      Tomo winced, "Geh-- what's that supposed to mean?!"
      "What happened, sensei?" Chiyo asked, leaving her friends to
squabble. "Who did that to your car?"
      "Wish I knew," Nyamo

knew.

^_^ I didn't revise this despite last week's dialogue-tag debate. Then
again, I'm on the "style over strict rules" side, but in this case the
rules probably apply.

 composed herself, already thinking about

repair shops that fell within her budget.

I thought she was insured against it, since you mention that before.

Yeah, but sometimes agencies skimp on covering these accidents based on
technicalities. Maybe I'll add a "just in case her insurance..." bit at
the end and cover all bases.

      "Crime scene?" Tomo frowned quizzically.
      "Crime scene."
      Osaka proceeded to cage a few other cars within her perimeter.
Yukari, seizing the chance to snap at someone, bellowed, "Damn right
this is a crime scene! And I demand justice!"
      "Shh!" Osaka silenced her and pressed an ear against Nyamo's

car.

"The evidence is talking to me." And indeed the car emitted a brief

beep

as Nyamo used her key ring to turn the alarm off. "A! It did talk!"

Heh

She'd make Gil Grissom proud.

Osaka exclaimed, stepping away from it.
      Then her face took a quizzical look as she took notice of the
smashed glass and ruined window. "Aa, as I thought..." she said
astutely. "Looks like the perpetrator's window of opportunity."
      Before any of the others could groan at her statement, an

American

rock song suddenly started blasting out of nowhere. All eyes turned

to

glare at the newly-arrived interloper.
      "Uh, sorry," Kagura said, turning down her radio. "Don't like

The

Who, huh?"

which song was it? :)

As Richard mentioned, it was "Who Are You" by The Who (whose lyrics I'm
using as chapter-breaks.)

While Crime Scene Osaka isn't an actual crossover with CSI, I'm using a
few of that show's stylistic staples: the Zoom Sight, the TMI Cam, the
Flashback View... and the fact that Grissom almost always comes up with
a hideous pun or a bizarre literary quote to describe the crime, right
before we cut to the opening credits --which feature this song as the
series' main theme.

      "Hm? What happened here?" Yomi asked as she approached the
sealed-off crime scene. Sakaki followed closely, her mind still

absorbed

by that adorable little calico she had spotted earlier in the day.

It

was a shame that it had scratched at her finger and run away before

she

could cuddle it.
      "Ah, Yomi, Sakaki!" Kagura came forward to meet them while

Osaka

and the others examined Nyamo's car. "Hurry over, Osaka says she

needs

help here."
      Yomi frowned, catching a glimpse of the vehicle's broken

window.

"What's going on?"
      "Ah, someone broke into Nyamo-sensei's car," Kagura explained.

lots of 'Ah'.s you might want to drop some

Oops! That's right. They're kind of Osaka's motif, but it feels
repetitive when other characters use them. Will revise.

 >       "But that doesn't explain where the crab went," Yomi

contested.

      Kagura grimaced. "Uh, Yukari-sensei kinda got mad at the

guards

and scared them away. They, um, they won't come back because they're
afraid of her."

heh

The enraged Yukari is a dangerous, rabid beast. Few of our investigators
have returned in one piece after encountering her... and more than once,
one piece was all that returned.

      Yomi snorted in annoyance. "Huh. Figures they'd weasel out

just

before a long weekend. Anyway, we'll need some equipment if we're

really

going to help figure out who stole that crab." Standing up, she ran

the

necessary items through her mind and continued, "Sakaki, Kagura,

take

this branch back inside to one of the storerooms, see what you can

find

on it. I'll get Chiyo-chan to come with me so they let us use it for

a

day or two."
      "What are you gonna find in that branch?" Tomo clucked. "It's

just

a hunk of wood, right?"
      "Someone must have pulled it out and placed it here,"

and burned it, if they pulled it out.

Burned it? If you're referring to the charred end, that was caused by
the lightning bolt. Maybe I should make that clearer...

      "My craaab... my craaab..." Yukari, her face a mask of

absolute

despair, whimpered as she suckled on one of the leftover plastic
wrappings from the box. She was convinced there was still a little

taste

of Hokkaido left in it.
      "Yukari, that's... disgusting," Nyamo shuddered.
      Osaka pouted slightly. "Aa, sensei, please don't eat my

evidence."

heh

At least she's mellow about Yukari contaminating the scene ^^

      Tomo had little luck with the passerby, though. Also, aside

from a

thick carpet of leaves and cherry petals, the parking lot was devoid

of

any unusual bits and pieces that wouldn't be found at a public high
school anyway. And since the janitor had emptied out the trash cans

some

time after the rain, all she could come up with was a Hello Kitty

'Hello Kitty' (I think)

I dunno... it's not really a big deal to change it, but, in general, I'm
not sure what the proper rule is for commercial brands in narrative
text.

      "S-shut up!" the gym teacher screeched. "That's completely

wrong!

I haven't even dated anyone in about two-- Er... I mean..." She

tried

valiantly to regain her composure and cleared her throat. "Right.

So,

have fun with your mystery, everyone. At least my repairs will end

up

cheaper than Yukari's crab."

Heh

Ah, Japan... It may be surrounded by ocean, but that doesn't make
seafood any less costly :P

      "He hurt himself on the way out," she deduced. With a frown,

she

concentrated on the dried blood spots, her sight zooming onto them.

"He

stole sensei's crabby fish after it rained, too."
      She heard Chiyo call out for her just as the others entered

the

school building. Osaka wobbled a bit as she stood up, stared at the
blood for a second more, and called back, "I'm coming, Chiyo-chan!

Wait

for me!"

Oh? You didn't mark this as 'Part 1.' It threw me. Might want to do

that in

the future.

Yah, I forgot about that. Sorry. Going off my notes, it'll probably end
up being only three or four parts long, though. Not quite as long as
Azuringu, unless the evidence starts pointing away from my intended
guilty party ;D


Thanks for the feedback!

Jorge A. Pratt
jorgepratt@prodigy.net.mx
terbril@rocketmail.com



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