"Nidoking" <nidoking@sbcglobal.net> writes:
"Stop! Put me down! Let me go!" screamed Koshi Rikdo as two
strong-armed goons dragged him down a long hallway. "I'll call the
police! I'll draw unfavorable caricatures of you in my next manga!"
Wordlessly, the goons turned toward an open door and hurled Rikdo
through it, where he landed flat on his face in the middle of a lush
office. The shadowed figure sitting behind the oak desk leaned forward.
"Welcome, Mr. Rikdo. I trust you know why I've brought you here?"
Rikdo leapt to his feet. "You... you're that guy! The one who
bastardized my beloved story and tore it to shreds!"
That narrows it down, doesn't it? ;-)
Nidoking spat out the cotton. "It's an abbreviation. You're not
supposed to try to pronounce it. Although you didn't do too bad a job."
He smiled. "And now for the official seal."
Rikdo reached for a pocket, but the goon behind him slammed his face
onto a red inkpad on Nidoking's desk, then pressed his head onto the
paper, leaving a perfect impression of the four kanji that spelled
Rikdo's name.
Nidoking exhaled a puff of smoke. "Beautiful," he whispered. Then he
broke down coughing. "Dammit! Why do I keep doing that?"
Speaks pretty well for somebody coughing their lungs out.
*************************************************
QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FANFIC EXCEL FUSION Z
EPISODE 2: THE PLOT IS ON MY FOOT
*************************************************
"Hail, Lord Clef!" shouted Mihoshi, saluting as smartly as she could
without becoming a living oxymoron.
I thought that's what she... oh, *oxy*moron. Sorry.
"I'm sure my employer can handle the expenses for work-related
accidents," said Mihoshi. "Um, could you just stand right there for a
second? I'm really sorry about this." She climbed onto the man's
shoulders and hoisted herself through the hole. "Lord Clef, please try
to respect the integrity of my apartment. With my current salary, I
can't prosper."
Clef's eyebrow twitched. "Mihoshi... what have I told you about
making puns that don't translate into English?"
Mihoshi scratched her head. "Um... 'puun?'"
Clef shook his head vigorously. "Puun! I mean, no! That's not right
at all!" He slammed his face on the floor, and another tile ceased to
exist.
"My living room!" came the voice from downstairs. "This is an
invasion of my privacy!"
Yakumo groaned and sat up. "Lord Clef, do you think you could just
give us our mission so we can get to someplace that's less expensive to
destroy?"
"As I was about to say, there's no need for me to give you your
mission ahead of time today," said Clef. "Since this body is
significantly smaller and much less mineral than my own - for the
moment - I can accompany you and give you orders in the field."
Hmm... didn't he only become mineral at the end of the last episode?
"Yay!" Mihoshi cheered again. "I finally get to live out my
wonderful bondage fantasy with Lord Clef! This is the happiest day of my
liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife... sorry!" she apologized, pulling herself out of
the downstairs furo.
*************************************************
In a secret room that lay behind a secret door with the word
"SECRET" on the plate - which was what marked it as a secret room - six
civil servants sat at their desks, waiting to hear from their employer.
"Any idea what the chief's got for us today?" asked Nuriko.
Moroboshi shook his head. "I have a feeling we're not going to like
it."
"That's not all you're feeling," said Rally, cocking her pistol
threateningly. "Now remove your hand from my leg before I remove it from
your wrist."
"Yes, Ma'am," Moroboshi said hastily, withdrawing his hand.
At that moment, the door opened, and Xellos swept grandly into the
room, followed closely by Dr. Mori. "Greetings, all and sundry!" said
Xellos jovially. "How are we all doing today?"
"Wai! We're all genki-sou!" cheered Nuku Nuku.
"That's nice, dear," Xellos said jovially, casually grabbing Nuku
Nuku by the ears and pressing her face into the desk. "But let's
dispense with the Japanese for a while, shall we? I've decided it's a
waste of brainpower, and you're going to need all the intelligence you
can come up with for today's assignment."
"What's intelligence?" asked Nuku Nuku. "It sounds yummy. Is it a
fish?"
"That," Xellos announced jovially, "is a secret! But today's mission
isn't, because it was suggested that there's a far greater chance of you
successfully completing the mission if I tell you what it is."
"Thank me later," Faye Valentine called into the room over his
shoulder as she walked past.
"Let me guess," said Rally. "It has something to do with kidnapping
little girls and dragging them back here to be experimented on."
"Heavens no!" said Xellos jovially. "Whatever gave you that idea?"
"Oh, I don't know..." said Rally, pointing a thumb at Dr. Mori.
"Why would he make you think something like that?" asked Bloodberry.
"The man created me and Nuku Nuku, after all."
"Yep!" agreed Nuku Nuku, beaming proudly. "He even gave me a chest
cavity of my very own for storing things in, like milk!" She sat up and
pulled up her shirt to show everyone. "See? Isn't it big?"
Moroboshi covered his eyes and turned away. "The horror!" he
screamed.
Nuriko scowled. "Geez, even *I* have more chest than that!"
Is this one of those continuity things?
http://www.yale.edu/anime/imgarchive/nuku_nuku/NukuNuku-PhaseV_10.jpg
(or
http://www.yale.edu/anime/imgarchive/nuku_nuku/AnimeV-OAV93-03.jpg
)
doesn't suggest she's particularly under-endowed...
Dr. Mori patted Nuku Nuku's head. "That's my girl."
Bloodberry blinked. "Well, he still made ME relatively normal."
Xellos cleared his throat. "Dr. Mori is here to reveal the latest
model in his six-cylinder series," he announced jovially. "It apparently
corrects some of the bugs that were present in the earlier models."
"Bugs?" asked Bloodberry, patting herself down. "What bugs?"
"That... is a secret!"
"Actually, it's not even classified," Dr. Mori corrected him. "You
see, the first model, Bloodberry, was built as the perfect example of an
adult female. As such, her reaction to male advances is somewhat less
than desirable."
Bloodberry pounded Moroboshi on the head as he reached for her
breasts. "How so?" she asked.
"Geez," moaned Moroboshi. "I was just trying to compare for size."
"The Nuku Nuku model was built from my original blueprint, removing
the modifications for 'decency', 'modesty', and 'conformance to child
pornography regulations' that my superiors inserted without my
permission," continued Dr. Mori. "That led to its own problems, of
course."
So this wasn't the original blueprints, which were modified by his
superiors, but instead the original original blueprints? Something's
not right here...
Nuku Nuku nuzzled Dr. Mori's chest. "But you love me anyway, right?"
"Good girl," said Dr. Mori, pushing her away lightly. "Come to my
office later for some adjustments."
"Yay!" cheered Nuku Nuku. "We get to play hide the snake again!"
Rally scowled. "For your sake, that had better be a rubber toy snake
she's talking about."
"Yes, rubber,"
oh my.
"Well, it looks like you're all getting along well," said Xellos
jovially. "But there will be plenty of time to get acquainted later. For
now, you have to undertake your mission."
[WHAT IS IT?] asked Genma.
"It's a secret!" Xellos announced jovially. "But you'll learn all
about it at the police box at the corner."
Gee, not much for consistency, is he? ;-)
But actually, I thought the joke was a little belabored by this point.
"At the corner?" echoed Nuriko. "You can't mean...."
"No!" cried Rally. "Not HIM!"
"I'm afraid so," Xellos apologized jovially. "But I'm sure you'll do
all right. After all, you have a new partner to assist you!"
"Chii?" Chii looked this way and that, searching for this 'new
partner' while a forest of question marks popped into existence above
her head one by one.
"Right," groaned Rally. "Some help."
*************************************************
"The first rule of detective work is to always know where your hat
is!" lectured their instructor, the usual inhabitant of the police box
at the corner.
Are police boxes usually inhabited? I thought they were basically
telephone booths with special purpose phones. Looking further on, it
seems to suggest that they're all stuffed inside the police box,
too... which seems unlikely, for all that Moroboshi might enjoy it.
He waved the aforementioned fedora at them as he sat down
on his stool, adjusting his trench coat so that it didn't wrinkle.
"Wouldn't it be easier to do that if you put it on your head,
Detective Zenigata?" suggested Rally.
"Hmmm...." Zenigata scratched his chin. "You know, you may be on to
something there." He placed the hat boldly atop his head. "Ah, yes,
delightfully snug. Jolly good idea, eh what?"
Nuriko nudged Genma with his elbow. "Hey, is it just me, or is he
talking funny?"
[YOU'RE ASKING *ME*?] replied Genma.
Zenigata smiled and pulled a curved pipe out of his pocket, sticking
the narrow end between his teeth. "Now, as I was saying, the second rule
of detective work is to eliminate the impossible. That means I should be
getting rid of that giant panda man and the girl who seems to be
cleaning herself in a place that the human tongue was never meant to
reach. I'm afraid I shall have to request that you two logical
impossibilities leave so that the remainder of our crew is simply very
improbable."
Bloodberry hummed thoughtfully. "I've heard that somewhere
before...."
"Just ignore his split personality so we can focus on getting our
job done," advised Rally. "So, Detective, what's our mission today?"
"Patience, dear girl," said Zenigata. "Haste makes waste and all
that, you know. There will be plenty of time for particulars later."
[SHE'S NOT EVEN ASKING FOR DETAILS...] Genma pointed out.
"Oh, sorry, old chap," apologized Zenigata, taking his hat off to
scratch his head. "Well? What are you all staring at me like that for?"
he demanded in a much firmer tone. "We've got a murder to investigate!"
"Isn't that better left to the police?" asked Rally. "We're civil
servants."
"Screw the police!" shouted Zenigata. "The police can't even capture
one lousy internationally-wanted thief!
Well, if they ever captured him, they could delouse him!
How do you expect them to deal
with a real live killer?"
"Well, at least he's back to his old self," said Moroboshi.
"I'm not sure which is worse," said Nuriko.
"So, tell us about this case," requested Rally, ignoring the
off-topic conversation.
Zenigata nodded and pulled a cord, unrolling the screen on the wall.
"Here's what we know so far," he announced, flipping the switch that
turned the lights off.
So this is an interior wall? That suggests to me everybody is crammed
inside (see above), and make sme confused as to how big the police box
is.
I'm beginning to think I just don't know what a police box is.
"And so do I!" shouted a triumphant voice from a short way down the
street. With a clank of metal, the figure walked toward them, sending up
clouds of asphalt with each step.
Clef's eyes bulged. "Who is THAT?"
"Ha! As if anyone could forget the magnificence that is ME!"
announced the metal man. His face was vaguely recognizable as something
very close to human, but the rest of his body looked like something out
of a James Cameron movie.
"Take off that ridiculous DiCaprio disguise and show us who you
really are," commanded Clef.
"Very well! Prepare to tremble before my might!" shouted the man who
was not really DiCaprio
This seemed a little off. The DiCaprio line was nice, but this 'was
not really DiCaprio' seemed a little too much.
************************| Clef stretched up a paw and pushed the scene
break back. "Mihoshi, what did I just say?"
"Stop breaking the fourth wall?" guessed Mihoshi.
"Correct. Now, hand my leash to Yakumo."
Mihoshi meekly did so, as the familiar pit opened beneath her feet.
"Ha ha ha! Damuramu didn't even need to expend any effort!" Damuramu
declared triumphantly. His expression quickly turned into one of pain
for a split second as the groin-leash pulled taut, and he was quickly
jerked off his feet to join Mihoshi at the bottom of the hole.
OK, I was not expecting that.
"Damn," said the other Shinji as he popped out of existence. "That
kid has serious trouble believing in himself."
heh
The weight flew up from the pit and landed on Yakumo, crushing him.
Damuramu climbed up the rope and stood tall, looming over Mihoshi and
breathing heavily. "Damuramu is going to kill you now!"
"It's a little late for that," sloshed what remained of Yakumo.
"Please don't hurt me, Mr. Metal Man!" cried Mihoshi. "I don't think
Sailor Pluto will be willing to come all the way out here to fix me!"
"You should have thought of that before you killed me the first
time!" replied Damuramu.
A young girl with glasses and a ponytail trotted up. "Hey, Miss
Mihoshi! What are you doing all the way out here? I thought you moved
downtown!"
Mihoshi blinked. "Do I know you?"
The girl put her hands on her hips and pouted. "You didn't forget
little Marin, did you? We used to live together in the orphanage right
near here!"
"Oh, right! I remember now! You used to kill people all the time!"
"I really didn't mean to..." sobbed Marin. "Most of the time...."
"It's okay," said Mihoshi, patting Marin on the head. "I forgive
you. I didn't know most of those people anyway, except for my mom and
brothers."
"Hey!" Damuramu shouted angrily. "You can't ignore me while I'm
trying to kill you!"
Marin stared at the cyborg and blinked. "Is that man a bad guy, Miss
Mihoshi?"
Mihoshi scratched her head dizzily. "Um, which is the answer that
will make you kill him?"
"Either one," said Marin with a smile. She pulled a tiny bottle out
of her pocket and threw it at Damuramu. "I choose you, Green Swordsman!"
An orphan, enigmatically potentially a villain? I for one horrified
moment thought you were going to rip off Charlie's Angels 2.
@@@
http://nidoking.anifics.com/52Curses.html
Hmm. So, advertising fanfics. How deshpicable.
(And, does your advertising apartment give bulk discounts?)
"Wait, hold it!" called Rally, as she emerged from a door on the
near side of the train. "The door gag just doesn't work in prose."
"Then you'd best find somewhere else to run!" warned Wang, as the
train finally completed its crossing, revealing him standing at the far
How did I know there was going to be a chase sequence?
On the whole, a very enjoyable read. It felt a little less spontaneous
than the first episode, unsurprisingly; but I was still laughing at a
number of scenes, so I'm happy with it :-) This was definitely towards
the upper bound of length, for pure humour; the plot would have to be
a little more coherent for any longer chapter.
On the other hand, the plot made just about as much sense as the average
scooby doo episode, so...
