Dear Reader,
This is my new, generic C&C disclaimer. Rev. 2.4
1)EVERYTHING is In MY Opinion ONLY!
2) I'm commenting on the STORY.
My comments and criticisms are directed at:
a) story telling
b)Dramatic Tension
c)Characterization
d)Plot
3)ALL my C&C is based on the kind of things I read and write.
I am telling the author whatI liked or disliked and why.
4)I'm not a professional editor. And even professional editors
make mistakes. Different people like reading different things.
NEVER
try to please everyone. Write what you like, the way you like.
BUT . . .please do not jump up and down on
the critic/editor because s/he didn't love your story.
I'm giving my honest opinion, as clearly as I know how.
Fiction writing is very subjective with a lot
of room for disagreement.
Accept those comments and criticism that
you find useful, ignore the rest.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Some random thoughts while I recover from a flue shot that
either worked too well, or not well enough. ^_^
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
Good: Hot Lesbian Sex, bondage, D/s and Kodachi getting
spanked in public. ^_*
<chorus>[to the tune of "My favorite things"]
When the Top bites
When the whip stings
When I'm feeling sub
I simply remember my hentaiest things . . .
. . . .errr, well, perhaps not. But you can't go far wrong with
that sort of mix.
Some nice personal interactions and reflections. Interesting
premise with a lot of potential.
The Bad: Not bad really(I just liked the movie title), but things that I would do differently.
1) HLS: Happy Lesbian Syndrome. For gosh sakes, other than
poor Mamoru aren't there any men left in Japan? Any straight
women? Not only are all the women lesbians, they're all
incredibly happy and well adjusted.
REI: I'm losing another girlfriend? Well, that's ok. I'm a
*Happy Lesbian* (TM) and I'm so well adjusted I don't even
get PMS.
USAGI: "Damn that Purple Dinosaur and his evil mind control
song!"
Too much of a good thing is great. But, honestly you might try
for some angst or bitterness or something for contrast. Think of
it like a wine tasting. You have to cleanse your palate between
tasting. So, some Manly Men(TM) or at least one or two
happy heterosexual couples (Usagi & Mamoru don't count.) Or
unhappy Lesbians.
Give Ukyou more problems adjusting to her new friend. :) have
Rei throw a fire-ball or two at Usagi, Zhu Shu or something.
Just for contrast.
2) Voice: Real People(TM) all *sound different*, not just
accent and such, but body language, phraseology and a whole
host of things. Their life experience, education, gender, illness,
etc make John Wayne sound different from Jeff Goldblume, for
example. In this story Shan Pu sounds *very* like Zhu Shu for
the most extreme example. Ideally a reader should be able to
almost instantly tell one character from another just from the
dialogue, w/o any other identifier. There's not a whole lot of
difference between any of your characters. Which brings me
to . . .
3) Too many characters, not enough characterization:
This chapter is about 9500 words. To support your cast of
thousands (well, not quite) IMO you need twice that at least.
Quick solution, delete Urd and Mara, they don't seem essential
in this chapter. And I think the entire SM bit could go as well.
Personally I think you're better off concentrating on Ranma &
co, and putting the SM bit in it's own chapter. If you want to
keep SM in this chapter (and there are certainly good reasons
for doing so) then (again IMO) you need at least another 3000
words or so, to develop situations and characters and give them
their own 'voice'.
4) Deja Vu all over again: The bits with Kodachi at the gym
with sleeping powder and Chibi-Usa & the cousin mind control
are much too close to the original and are rather slow as a
result. Much better I think to create something different.
Quick example: instead of sleeping power, how about an
aphrodisiac? Or a man or girl eating plant (al la "Day of the
Triffids" by John Wyndham) One thing that comes to mind in
this case is a parallel fight:
Kodachi vs Shan Pu in the gym,
Akane vs. plant in the waiting room.
Continuing with the erotic motif already established I'd
probably have a 'tentacle monster' sort of plant, that sexually
stimulates its victims, then feeds off their Ch'i or vital juices or
something. And to tie in with the earlier Akane-spanks-Kodachi
event, I'd have Akane maneuvering her fight so that Kodachi is
captured by her own plant and *humiliated* again in public.
This allows you to establish a 'running gag' sort of sub-plot, if
you so desire, where Kodachi is constantly maneuvering Akane
into situations where Akane dominates Kodachi, who loves
Akane more and more for it. An additional twist could be a sort
of P-chan effect, where Akane never quite catches on to what
Kodachi is really doing.
NOTE: I am NOT suggesting this is the way it should be
written, this is simply an example of what I'm talking about
when I suggest "something different" from the Kodachi-sent-a-
package-with-sleeping-powder.
Similarly, with SM & Chibi-usa, instead of cousin, she is
Usagi's illegitimate daughter? (Perhaps a glitch in the mind-
control software?) Or Chibi-usa ends up with one of the other
Senshi. Or, since this is a cross-over, Chibi-usa ends up with
Ranma (two red heads? )
RANMA <trying to peel Chibi-usa off his arm as she calls him
mama>: "It's NOT what you think Me and Ryouga are just
friends!"
or Nabiki & Chibi-usa? Now *there's * a scary mix.
NABIKI< handing Chibi-usa over in exchange for the deed to
Australia> "Black Moon Kingdom, huh? Here's my resume.
Give me a call if you get an opening."
Again, purely examples of the kind of thing I'm talking about.
It's your story, so feel free to go wild with changes rather than
trying to stick so closely to the original.
BTW, very nice imagery with the dying rabbit toward stories
end.
The Ugly:
Not a thing. A very nice read, overall. IMO you need to cut
something in terms of cast/chapter or writer longer chapters.
Work on giving characters their own 'voice' This is made
harder with more characters/chapter, but can be done. I just go
for *easy solutions*. ^_^
More narrative. This is a little dialogue heavy. Good dialogue
(don't forget *voice*) but I'd like more descriptions. For things
like fight scenes, I recommend:
Warriors of Blood and Dream, edited by Roger Zelazny
The Manly Art, Bare-Knuckle Prize Fighting in America by
Elliott J. Gorn
Myths and legends of the martial arts by Peter Lewis
The Sword of No-Sword by John Stevens
Not a comprehensive list by any means, but I've used all of
them (and many more) in learning how to write descriptions of
combat. Oh, and other helpful resources:
The Describers Dictionary by David Grambs
and
Random House Websters WORD MENU
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