Subject: [FFML] Re: [spamfic][JwIHNG] Banana March
From: "Thermopyle" <thermopyle@tds.net>
Date: 11/19/2003, 11:38 PM
To: "The Eternal Lost Lurker" <lurkerdrome@sbcglobal.net>, "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>



----- Original Message ----- 
From: "The Eternal Lost Lurker" <lurkerdrome@sbcglobal.net>
To: "FFML" <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Wednesday, November 19, 2003 5:08 PM
Subject: [FFML] [spamfic][JwIHNG] Banana March


BANANA MARCH

A spamfic by Lurker

(who does not, incidentally, own Jungle wa Itsumo Hale Nochi Guu)

Which is a good thing.

"And now, class...we'll have naptime," Reiji snored, head collapsing
back
onto his favourite pillow.

If you've seen the series, you should know that his head would
collapse forward onto his favorite pillow, not backwards.

"Oi, wake up!" Hale shook his fist at the perpetually slumbering
teacher.
"You're supposed to teach a class here! You should sleep at night!"

Hale is more likely to complain to the others about this than to yell
and shake a fist at Reiji.

"Hale, it's okay," Mari smiled. "If you don't want to sleep, just
read the
schoolbooks, ne? Oniichan can't help the way he is."

This exchange is limp and uninspired.  It doesn't feel like real
dialogue at all.  Also, where are the other characters?

"I guess you're right," Hale shrugged. "Ah, I forgot! Mari, are you
going on
the banana march this afternoon?"

Missing a description of the classroom and who is in it.  Did
everybody but Hale and Mari skip today?  It's easy to assume from what
you've bothered to write that nobody else is present.

Also missing the typical Guu smirk or indication that mischief is
ahead.  But then again, Guu isn't here, so that's okay, I guess.

"Banana march?" Mari blinked.

I don't think she'd blink here.  I think she'd kinda stand there with
her mouth hanging open and drool running out.  You've got her
character all wrong.

"Un," Hale nodded. "Okaasan told me about it--Chourou and the
hunters and
all the kids are gonna march into the jungle and pick all the
bananas we can
and have a big party with a bonfire and roast bananas and dance and
sing and
have a lot of fun!"

Gratuitous use of Japanese.  Big X on the entire paragraph.  I decided
to mark this Okaasan down as being an unintroduced new character,
since, well, everything except the names are translated in this story.
Since Hale's mom is not named Okaasan, this must be some other person.

"That sounds great! I'll definitely be coming!" Mari bounced.

She's flat.  She's not gonna be bouncing anywhere for a few years yet.

"Great!" Hale beamed.

While Gekiganger might be present in a Guu fic, tossing it in without
setup simply doesn't work.  You really need to rethink this.

"Cancelled?!" Hale gaped.

Again, gaped is the wrong word to use here.  Hale isn't much of a
gaping character.

"Chourou ate some bad Pokute and can't leave the toilet," Weda
shrugged.
"And the rest of us didn't really want to do it in the first place,
so we
called it off."

This part is spot on.  I believe it.  It works perfectly and sounds
like something typical of the Guu universe.  Congratulations.

I still want to know who Okaasan is, though.

"I see," Hale slumped. "That's too bad."

You didn't properly set the whole banana march thing up.  Hale's
excitement is never conveyed strongly enough, nor is there an apparent
reason for him to be excited, so this response is weak and
unsupported.

"Anyway, eating up all the bananas at one big party would make
everyone
sick, and it means I can stay home and finish off all that wonderful
booze I
had sent from the city," Weda grinned.

This seems like an unnecessary detail.  Does it matter where she got
the booze?

"So you talked them into cancelling it so you could get drunk," Hale
frowned.

If the idea here is that she the booze was supposed to be for the
part, that should be made clear.  Regardless, Weda would get drunk
anyway.  There isn't an "instead" which this exchange seems to imply.

"Haaaaaai!" Weda belched.

You forgot to say that she was drinking at some point.  And to
describe where this scene was taking place.  And to say who is present
besides the speakers.  For a Guu fic, this is missing out on a lot of
Guu scenes.

Your speech tag does not convey the proper range of Weda's voice.
Belching generally produces a much lower tone than Weda normally
delivers, and so the auditory image presented is inconsistent and hard
to credit.

With a sigh, Hale headed outside. "I think I'm gonna go pick bananas
with
Mari-chan and roast them anyway," he tossed over his shoulder.

Hale is quite paranoid about leaving Guu alone.  I would expect that
at this point he would be climbing the walls wondering what she's been
doing for the past two scenes.  Leaving that tendency out of the fic
really damages the believability of the story.

"Okay! Have fun!" Weda gargled. Snorting disgustedly, Hale closed
the door
behind him.

I'm pretty sure their door is always open.  I might be remembering
wrong on that point, though.

"I see...that's too bad," Mari deflated.

Again, you fail to properly set this up.  The excitement over the
whole banana march is too shallow to support the reactions you're
giving here.

"But you and me can still go and pick bananas, Mari-chan," Hale
smiled.

Why?  Does Hale like bananas?  A reason would be nice.

"That's right, we can, can't we?" Mari perked. "Okay, let's go,
Hale!"

Oh.  I see.  He wants some sex.  That must be what all this sexual
innuendo is about--you know, Mari bouncing, deflating, perking, etc..

Hand in hand, the two children skipped down the jungle path, Mari
carrying a
large straw basket. Pokute watched them from the trees as they
chatted about
inconsequential things. "Hold on, I need a quick snack," Hale
decided,
stopping to pick a pair of Manda, one of which she handed to Mari.

Despite the VA, Hale is not a she.

"Arigatou, Hale," Mari giggled. "I wonder if anyone else is going to
have
the same idea you did..."

Picking bananas is an idea?  The first episode implied that it was
something he had to do all the time, and even then, he did it as an
annoying chore.  Why is he excited about it now?  You don't say.

More gratuitous Japanese.  Is Arigatou some kind of name that she's
calling him, or does it mean something else?

"I dunno, but if they do, it'll make it more fun, won't it?" Hale
grinned.

...would it?

"Un, I suppose," Mari smiled. They continued on for a bit, when Hale
suddenly stopped. "Ano, what's wrong, Hale-kun?" Mari blinked.

Meaning that he stopped, instead of slowing to a stop, I suppose.
Okay, that's fair.

"I...think we should turn back now," Hale grimaced. Mari turned to
see what
he was looking at...

Okay.  Okay, we've got something going on here.  Hale sees something
he doesn't like.  We know it MUST BE GUU!  Otherwise this isn't a Guu
story, right?  So, what'd she do?  What'd she do?

Up ahead, on a crosstrail leading to some of the other villager's
huts, a
large banana was striding purposefully down the path, swaying from
side to
side as it moved. "What the--?" Mari stared.

It should be villagers', not villager's.  Plural, you know.

Okay.  I'm still waiting for something incredible.  Guu does all kinds
of weird stuff in the anime and nobody notices, so to get this
reaction from Mari, it must be BIG.

A pale, flat-featured face with a fringe of pink hair was visible in
a hole
in the centre of the giant banana. "March, march, banana-nana
march,"
monotoned the banana.

Died.  You've got all of this weak setup for an even weaker punchline.
Shame on you.

How is a face featured with flat, by the way?

"Oi, Guu...what're you doing?" Hale gaped disbelievingly.

...what?  Why would Hale react so strongly when he's seen her do
things like turn into a giant and swallow the ocean?  When he's seen
her run around with Chourou's chest hair as a giant afro?  When he's
seen her turn Dama into a martial arts god whose take-offs contain the
force of a nuclear bomb?  What's the big deal about a simple costume?

Maybe I'm missing something here.

"Banana marching," Guu smirked without breaking stride.

Okay.  I can see this part.  It works.  It's just not funny with the
setup you have.

"...," Hale facefaulted.

Again, this isn't something that would get much of a response from
Hale.

This is my final answer to the whole speech tag debate.

Aside from your misuse of the English language, a number of the tags
you used simply didn't work.  They didn't fit the dialogue or actions
they were chosen for.  It's clear that you rushed in writing this or
simply didn't care.  It's not just the technical aspect of the writing
that is lazy, but the content is, too.

You failed to provide convincing scenes or dialogue.  You failed to
provide description that creates a real setting for the characters to
interract within.  You failed to properly build the story towards a
fitting punchline.  You failed to make the first Guu fic enjoyable or
even worth reading.

You failed to make a point.

But you are right, this is an answer.  Thank you for that.


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