Quoting Alan <chibipoe@mindspring.com>:

 "I won't hurt you..." it said, it's face twisted in

That "it's" should be "its" (a possesive rather than
a contraction).

a voice said cheerfully. "Thank you so much for not
dissapointing me, youma."

(sp) "disappointing"

 The youma hissed, moving into a crouch as it scanned 
the area. It was her. It had to be. The Destroyer.

Inclined to agree with Lurker-san that there's a 
Buffyesque tinge to this.  Not sure it's bad, though;
it does help orient the reader somewhat, IMO.

creature, twin pigtails trailing behind her as she
ran.

Shouldn't that be "twin ponytails"?  I think of pigtails
as short, twisted things, and ponytails as free-falling,
and of indefinite length.

 "I will not be taken by you, destroyer!" the youma

Here the youma is using "destroyer" as a name, so should
be capitalized as you do above.  Actually, some of the
above may be a title rather than a name, so maybe should
be lower case.

presence...Jaedite."

btw, isn't it "Jadeite"?

before him, a rounded barrier springing up just
seconds before she reached

Suggest "a half-second".  In a fight, seconds is a long
time.

reverbrating through

"reverberating"

 "And then what?" Sailor Moon asked. "They'll send
someone else, most likely.

Ah, she's been watching too much of her own show. ;)
Seriously, I know (from below) it's been four years,
but has Jadeite let that much slip?  If the very first
2nd-level opponent hasn't been replaced yet, how does 
Sailor Moon know what will happen, even if she does
suspect he has superiors?

Another point:  in the anime, the other three generals
actually did have tasks even at the beginning (we later
found out).  But in this story it's been four years, 
rather than a few weeks.  Why hasn't Usagi run into
Nephrite, looking for the seven rainbow crystals?  Now,
I do not suggest that you need to tell us at this point;
but you do need to know the answer to this yourself.

 "Yeah, he has been playing it safe since then," 

You know, this is a good question.  And we didn't get
an answer, did we?  If Jadeite typically doesn't show
for such missions, why did he show this time?  This
answer, IMO, should be given in this chapter, as it
seems like it would come out in the Jadeite POV scenes
below.

 "Sailor Moon is a myth," Sailor V said patiently,

<clip>

 "You didn't answer if you were her, though!" Another

Well, this is clear enough:  V-chan wants someone,
presumably the bad guys, to think they may be the same.
I understood pretty clearly from this that she's trying
to draw attention away from Sailor Moon, as a way of
helping her.

on her food as Aino Minako's latest single, Moonlight
Densetsu, echoed from her television's speakers.

Heh.  Cute.  Japanese lyrics, rather than DIC's, I
assume?

you try some classical music? Tchaivosky. Mozart.

"Tchaikovsky"

 "I'm not going to let you wake someone else up and
have what happened to my family happen to them,"
Usagi retorted. "The answer is still no.

This confuses me a bit.  My understanding, from the
nightmare scene towards the end, was that what happened
to the Tsukinos happened BEFORE, or AS, Luna awakened
Usagi.  So the logical deduction for Usagi would be
that if she were targeted prior to awakening, the
others might be too, and SHOULD be awakened ASAP, so
that they can protect their families.  Probably easy
enough to fix, one way or another.

A rustle of cloth later, and he was gone, leaving
nothing but silence.

To me, it does seem illogical that Tux-chan could be
drawn here "night after night", but still never have
actually met Sailor Moon face-to-face.  Suggest 
changing to "drawn here at the new moon every month" or 
something of the sort.

alone. But, on this odd occassions that she did, in

"the odd occasions when"

There was a robbery last night. We need as many
photos as possible before the police cordon off the
area.

Well, for what it's worth, I certainly do NOT read the 
above as indicating that Usagi is a police photographer.
Most probably, she's a press photographer, given the
reference to the police as a possible obstacle.

 "Him?" Usagi looked at Naru, pausing in mid-
motion. "The gentleman bandit, as the Journal dubbed
him?"
 Naru nodded. "The same. All dressed up in a tuxedo
and cape, with a top hat.

Clear enough, given any familiarity with the SM manga.
Tux-chan is still looking for the Ginzuishou, so he
can restore his memory.

"I'm going to find out what you're up to, cape-boy."
And she knew just who could help her out.

We don't really learn anything this chapter, IMO, to
account for Usagi's interest in Tux-chan here.  All we
know is that she's obsessed with destroying youma, and
Tux-chan clearly isn't one of those.  I would consider
this action to display more than casual curiousity,
though.

unnatural silence reigned her.

"here", I suspect you want.

 "And you saw him," she added, arching an eyebrow as

<clip>

 The blonde was silent for a moment. "Yes. Jaedite
appeared last night."

Given your apparent use of the manga source material
(at least to some extent), I am forced to wonder if
Jadeite and Mars were fiancees back then.  And, if so,
whether either remembers.

 "I'll meet you at Kino's!" Usagi called, waving.

Owning a restaurant in her own name at, what, 18 years
of age?  is pretty good going in a way being a top
idol singer is not (necessarily) in Japan.  Explanation
when the appropriate chapter is reached would not be
amiss.

 "Jaedite!" Beryl's voice cracked out, drawing
whimpers and prompting the youma crowding the throne
room to cringe. "Before me, NOW!"

Others have already mentioned this (and you're agreed,
I believe), but:  this scene does NOT follow logically
from the first with these two characters.

 The most irritating thing, though, was his utter
futility at unmasking her.

suggest "inability to unmask".  "Futility" is not 
something an individual can have.

This is an interesting comment, though.  Without the
other senshi, _would_ Sailor Moon be so easy to find?
Well, she still rescues Naru a lot, so presumably some
careful tracing of rescued victims' acquaintances might
yield something.

 Somewhere in Tokyo, there had to be someone who knew
the identity of Sailor Moon.

Rei:  Me, you idiot!  Your old fiancee!

And while she's trying to contain the flood, I
find someone who knows.

Err... how?  He still has no idea (as far as we know).

A quick twist, and the youma over-balanced, its arm
wrenched painfully to the side.

BTW, I really enjoyed the way the fight scenes show us
Usagi's _physical_ superiority to the youma.  That's
not something I recall ever seeing before, and I find
I like it.

clearly confused. "But... you were right in the way
of its attack... I saved you."

Tux-chan's normal M.O. is to arrive just a bit earlier,
and throw off the youma's aim with a last-minute rose
throw, rather than moving Usagi out of the way.  Might
want to consider rewriting this way, while still having
the youma escape.  If this happens because Usagi has
been distracted herself by the rose, then her temper
tantrum is partially explained by the fact that she's
mad at herself for being so distracted.

damned thing out. Do me a favor, freak, don't bother
me again. I don't need saving."

I read this that Usagi is NOT recognizing
the "gentleman thief" here, which I find quite 
surprising.  If your intention is that she does, but
doesn't care (because of her obsession with the youma),
suggest you make it clear that she does recognize him.

 "It amazes me how the scourge of the Dark Kingdom
can be so easily surprised,"

If Jadeite's still the active general, who remembered
this name and mentions it to Rei?

 "That is the only thing you haven't told me, isn't
it, Usagi?" Rei asked from the floor, her voice like
steel.

Coupled with Usagi's dream later, this is clear enough:
Usagi is quite aware that Rei is a dormant senshi, and
refuses to tell her.

That would be a massive insult to the Queen. She
would hardly abide such an action."

Could stand some amplification (not necessarily here).
Historically, many cultures just don't count infidelity
which cannot result in pregnancy, most especially for
political marriages.

 "Mother has been too busy closeted with the senshi
from the outer planets to notice any such thing,"

Not sure how anyone managed to read subtext into that;
I certainly didn't.  "Closeted", as any dictionary
will say, means "in a meeting" in this case.

person I might ever want to marry, is you, Phoebe."

I thought that an odd choice for Mar's old name, given
its lunar associations.  Especially with "Aphrodite"
for Minako, why not "Aries" (or a feminization
thereof: "Ariana")?

BTW, I certainly don't object to the Usagi-Rei
relationship you've drawn, though I did think it odd
that Usagi seems to be so dominant in it.  Takahashi's
more suggestive drawings always show Usagi as passive
recipient, if I'm not mistaken.  But unusual can be
good, and I'm not complaining.

(Aside:  I cannot quite see how anyone can object to
lesbian themes in a series where female characters so
outnumber male, and in which Rei and Minako, at least,
acknowledge Usagi as their "one and only".)

* The Present

Perhaps a misleading tag on Usagi's nightmare.

"Make stupidboy suffer." A black star coalesced on
the surface of the creature's chest. Light crackled
from it, striking Shingo in the chest. He
began to scream, as if he were being torn apart.

"A crystaline, star-shaped object emerged from his
chest."

Clearly an S-season daimon.

 "No," Usagi agreed. "When Rei's here, they don't
come."

The implication is that they're together every night,
not what I'd thought earlier.  It appeared more
occasional before.

this evening. I thought I had diverted as usual. It

"I thought I had diverted her as usual."

she turned to go, green hair that was almost black
swirling out behind her.

Again, this is clear; I don't know how much more hint
we could conceivably need as to who this is.

C&C is appreciated. Off-list is preferred.

Heh.  How ironic that the most-commented-on story in 
months has this tag...


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