----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Alan" <chibipoe@mindspring.com>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Tuesday, November 18, 2003 12:19 AM
Subject: [FFML] [Sailor Moon] [AU] Alternate Views 01

Bleh.  Typed this up last night and fell asleep without sending.  How
annoying....

Phase 1 - New Moon


 "Please... don't hurt me!" the young woman cried out, backing away

as her boyfriend fell limp from the arms of the thing that had
attacked them as they were heading home.

 "I won't hurt you..." it said, it's face twisted in a hideous leer

as it took a step forward. "I'll simply drain you of your energy for
my Queen!" It reached out, one clawed hand flexing menacingly, toward
the young woman.

 "Noooo!"
 A moment later, the young woman lay still, her chest rising slowly.
 "Lord Jaedite will be pleased," the creature hissed, then crouched

before launching itself into the air, aiming for the nearby roof.

 A colored blur struck as it was halfway through the jump, slamming

into it with enough force to pitch the creature back to the pavement
in the alley way.

 "I had almost given up hope that one of you would show your face

tonight," a voice said cheerfully. "Thank you so much for not
dissapointing me, youma."

 The youma hissed, moving into a crouch as it scanned the area. It

was her. It had to be. The Destroyer.

 "Behind you," the voice said, a velvet whisper in the dim alley

way. The youma hissed, spinning, its claws extended to shred whatever
might be there.

 They met only air.
 "Ooops, too slow," came the voice again, from above, mocking. "Have

to be faster if you want to live."

 The youma crouched again, hissing still, then shot from the alley

way at a sprint.

 "Looks like this one might be a bit smarter than the last few," the

voice remarked, before a shadow detached itself from the ledge above
where the youma had stood and took off at a run across the rooftop
after the creature, twin pigtails trailing behind her as she ran.

Hm.  Well, I figured right off that this would be Sailor Moon.  So far
you're doing okay, as far as keeping her identity a "secret" goes.  It
only works at this point because you're in the intro, though.
Carrying it further doesn't work well--the audience knows what's going
on, and so the reader gets annoyed at seeing constant convolutions
that try to leap around revealing the character's identity.

     Alternate Views
      A Sailor Moon Fiction


       The youma's breath burned in its lungs as it ran, sparing a

second every few minutes to look back over its shoulder fearfully.
Seeing nothing, it slowed down, gasping for air.

      "Shouldn't have stopped, youma," the voice of the Destroyer

called out, air whistling as the hunter catapulted off of the roof,
feet smashing into the middle of the youma's back, sending it
sprawling. The figure backflipped out of the attack, using her
momentum to land gracefully.

 "I will not be taken by you, destroyer!" the youma screamed,

regaining its feet with startling swiftness and lunging at the
shadowed figure of its attacker.

 "The last fifty said the same thing," retorted her attacker,

smoothly moving out of the way of the charge and seizing the
creature's arm in the same instant, throwing it into a light post with
all the momentum of the avoided charge. The lightpost bent around the
youma's body with a loud clang. "You're no different from them."

 "Raaaarrrr!" it screamed, charging at her again, enraged.
 "This ends," the voice whispered, blocking the attack with a sharp

kick to the chest, before spinning once with another kick that flung
the youma up into the air. For a moment, it seemed to hang there,
motionless.

 "Moon Tiara...Action," the words wafted across the gap as the youma

hung there, its eyes widening as it realised it was going to die.

 The spinning golden disc tore through the air with a hiss, and the

youma convulsed once, then exploded into sparkles, leaving behind a
glowing sphere of energy.

 "I'll just return this to those people, I suppose," the figure

said, catching the disc in one hand as it returned to its original
shape, a golden tiara with a jewel in the center.

 Lightning raked across the ground before she could reach the

sphere, stopping her just short of it. "Not so quickly."

 "And the king shows himself again..." she murmured, the tiara

settling on her forehead. "I was wondering when you'd grace me with
your presence...Jaedite."

 "I'll be taking that energy, Sailor Moon," the hard cold voice

spoke again, a blonde male appeared, clad in a military-style uniform.

 "Considering the outcome of our last little fight, I don't

recommend you try that." the female said, the lightning's flashes
illuminating her at last. Golden hair crowned her features, twin buns
with ponytails reaching down to her knees on either side of her head.
A red, white, and blue fuku adorned her body, a red collar with a moon
on it circled her neck.

 "That was a fluke," he snarled. "You will not fare so well next

time." He put out a hand, and the energy sphere floated toward him.

 "Your side still bothering you?" Sailor Moon asked sweetly, an

almost smile on her face that did not reach her eyes.

 "Begone, Destroyer," Jaedite snapped, the sphere hovering above his

hand. "You'll find no more prey tonight."

 "You're partly right," she agreed. "Only you left to finish off."

With that, she sprang at him, all trace of humor gone.

 "Predictable," Jaedite murmured, his other hand coming up. Light

flickered before him, a rounded barrier springing up just seconds
before she reached him. She struck it and rebounded, landing in a
crouch and launching herself forward again. He inwardly allowed a
smile, remembering how she had landed in an ungainly tangle of limbs
once, long ago, when they had fought like this. But now, she didn't
waste time crying for help. She merely changed tactics, launching
herself up before she reached his barrier.

 "Another time, Sailor Moon," Jaedite said, saluting as he faded

away, the energy sphere in hand. She came down in a rush, fist at the
ready, but passed only through air to strike the concrete where he had
stood. A crater blossomed out around her fist upon impact, the sound
reverbrating through the night.

 "Damn..." she swore, standing slowly and looking around. "Damn,

damn, damn."

 "Sailor Moon?" a soft voice asked, the light, almost imperceptible

sound of tiny feet on concrete reaching her ears.

 "Yes, Luna?" she answered, tilting her head to the side.
 "Did he get away?"
 "Yes, damnit," she addressed the black cat that stared up at her,

the crescent moon on its forehead gleaming. "He always runs away."

 "Patience," Luna murmured. "Eventually you will corner him."
 "And then what?" Sailor Moon asked. "They'll send someone else,

most likely. And we'll play the whole thing out again."

 "The police are coming," Luna answered, too familiar with her

protege to feed her frustrations with arguments. "We should go."

 "You're right," Sailor Moon nodded. "Nothing left to do here but be

harassed by the police." With that, she leapt onto the nearest
lightpole, then onward onto a rooftop, the cat following easily. Side
by side, the two ran off into the night, where no moon was visible
overhead.

Jaedite's inner thoughts don't work very well, in my opinion, with
respect to what has happened in the past.  The description of Usagi
crashing to the floor long ago in a clumsy mess makes it seem, to me,
as though he had run into her BEFORE the divergence point, in which
case some of the other Senshi would be awake.  This made me think that
they had been killed somehow early in their careers, although my
previous guess was that Usagi's family had been attacked and
slaughtered.

I really don't buy Usagi's personality here.  She doesn't read as
though she's in pain.  She reads more as a witty, sarcastic superhero
out of a generic fanfic.  I don't see how she evolved from being Usagi
to being like this at all.  That's a big problem, since I like the
original Usagi.  I don't like this one.

Hm.  You have a problem with speech tags.  Speech tags should be used
either to indicate the speaker or to make important modifications to
the delivery.  When using speech tags simply to identify the speaker,
you should use "said" unless, as I said before, the delivery REALLY
matters.  Said is small and neutral and it won't stand out when people
are reading your fic.  Trying to come up with unique tags for every
line of dialogue quickly becomes ridiculous and distracting--the
reader should be concentrating on the dialogue and the action that is
occuring, not on the speech tags.

One thing you really need to watch out for with respect to speech tags
is that a lot of things aren't.  Smiled is not a speech tag.  Neither
is nodded.  You can say nod your head in affirmation and say something
agreeable, but you cannot speak simply by nodding, and thus it is not
a speech tag on its own.  Smile is the same way.  It is physically
impossible to say something by smiling.  Yes, your facial expressions
can indicate certain things, but smiling is not related to speech in
any way.  Mistakes of this type are fairly common and can be found
even in published works.  They are still mistakes.

*

 Elsewhere, in a place where no moon had ever graced the sky above,

Jaedite knelt, the energy he had retrieved held out before him in
offering.

 "You have done well, Jaedite," the sultry voice proclaimed from her

throne. "This energy will be essential to our plans of conquest."

 "You honor me, my Queen," Jaedite replied, his head bowed.
 "But," she continued, as if he had not spoken. "I sense that you

enjoy fighting our adversary. Perhaps a bit too much."

 "I admit that my heart soars when I fight her," he said quietly.

"She is a worthy opponent, my Queen. But, I would not permit that to
endanger the tasks you have set down for me."

 "See that it does not," Queen Beryl nodded, her eyes watching him

intently. "You have redeemed yourself from your earlier blunder, of
letting yourself get too involved in fighting her. My generals are too
precious to be killed. Take care that your lust for combat does not
overwhelm your loyalty to me."

 "I am your loyal servant, my Queen," Jaedite told her. "I shall not

fail you."

I've only watched up to episode sixteen of Sailor Moon, but I'm
already quite sure that Beryl is not a patient woman.  Letting Jaedite
run around on his own for years while suffering constant defeats at
the hands of Sailor Moon simply isn't believable.  She would either
have done the same thing she did in the anime--that freezing thing,
whatever it was--or she would have let her other generals go to work.
Years of patient waiting is something I just can't believe.

*


 Sailor Moon landed on the roof without a sound, turning once to see

Luna land neatly beside her, then walked toward the unlatched skylight
before them.

 "Another night and I still haven't found it, Luna," she said

quietly, raising the opening in the window to let Luna drop down into
the loft. "I wonder sometimes if this is really worth it."

 "We can't let the Dark Kingdom acquire this world, Sailor Moon,"

Luna's voice drifted up as she landed smoothly on the back of a couch.
"That would be disastrous."

 "You know that's never been my reason for doing this," Sailor Moon

replied, turning to look up at the sky for a moment before falling
backwards through the opening and landing smoothly on her feet. The
skylight snapped shut behind her, the latch falling into place with a
click.

 "Reasons aside, it is still your mission," Luna said, the words

carrying the feel of a ongoing argument as she curled up on the back
of the couch.

 "Whatever, Luna," she laid a hand across the golden locket nestled

in the red bow on her uniform and closed her eyes. It grew warm
beneath her hand, and ribbons unwound from around her body, flowing
back into the locket until she stood in her normal clothes once more.

 As always, she reached up, touching the back of her head, relieved

to find the odango and pigtails gone, leaving her with the short
bob-cut she'd worn for years. That done, Tsukino Usagi placed the
locket on the coffee table and crossed the room, her feet sinking
slightly into the plush carpet.

 "Did anything seem odd about that attack to you, Usagi?" Luna

asked, watching the girl enter the kitchen and begin looking for some
food.

 "No," the muffled reply came back. "Standard hit and run energy

drain. Nothing they haven't been doing for several years now."

 "Jaedite doesn't show himself just for a hit and run, Usagi," Luna

countered, yawning. "Especially not since he challenged you and lost."

 "Yeah, he has been playing it safe since then," Usagi agreed,

placing a container of chinese leftovers in the microwave and setting
it to warm up. "Probably doesn't want to be gutted again."

 "Being overconfident will cost you one day, Usagi," Luna warned,

resting her head on her paws as she watched the young woman come back
into the living room and settle on the couch with her dinner.

 "Perhaps," Usagi agreed. "But I'll deal with that day when it

comes." She switched on the tv to the news, turning it up loud enough
to signal that she wasn't interested in continuing the conversation.

 "In breaking news tonight," the announcer said as the screen came

up. "Sailor V was again spotted this evening, preventing a bank
robbery as well as several convenience store robberies."

 "Wonderful," Usagi muttered. "Her again."
 "You idolized her once, didn't you?" Luna asked quietly.
 "Don't remind me," came the reply as she turned her attention back

to the tv.

 "Sailor V!" a reporter called out, rushing forward at the head of a

crowd toward the figure as she dusted off her hands. "Can we get a
comment?"

 "I have a few minutes," the blonde said, eyes sparkling behind the

mask she wore.

 "What do you think of the reports about this vigilante Sailor

Moon?" one screamed, shoving a microphone into her face. "And the
similarities between your costume and hers? Are you her in disguise?"

 "Sailor Moon is a myth," Sailor V said patiently, with the air of

someone who has answered this question many times. "No one has ever
seen this so-called vigilante or ever gotten her picture."

 "You didn't answer if you were her, though!" Another shouted.
 "Sorry, that's all the time I have for questions," Sailor V

announced, flashing the victory sign at the cameras. "Take care." With
that, she launched into the air, vanishing from sight as the cameramen
tried to track her movements.

 "Show-off," Usagi muttered, pressing the remote's channel up button

and snarling as she found another news report about Sailor V.

 "We at channel twelve want to extend our thanks to Sailor V, our

city's protector, for the valiant efforts she puts forth to keep us
all safe from harm." the anchorman was saying.

 "We here at the Tsukino household want you to stuff it," Usagi

retorted, mimicking the man before changing the channel yet again to a
music station.

 "Ooooh, Aino Minako," Usagi smiled, setting the remote down and

starting on her food as Aino Minako's latest single, Moonlight
Densetsu, echoed from her television's speakers.

 "I don't understand how you can listen to this preprocessed

garbage," Luna complained, shaking her head slowly as she regarded her
charge. "Why don't you try some classical music? Tchaivosky. Mozart.
Beethoven."

 "They're all boring, Luna," Usagi rolled her eyes, as if the answer

was obvious. "Aino Minako is not."

 "Sayeth she who has never listened to them," Luna muttered, turning

her head away from the televsion. "When all you listen to is that
tripe, it's little wonder you fail to recognise good music when you
hear it."

 "Pfftt," Usagi turned her head toward the feline, sticking out her

tongue. "You're just jealous that I won't let you play those cds when
I'm around."

 "Seeing as how I am a feline," the cat said, turning her nose up

slightly. "It would hardly do for me to be bothered with something as
mundane as putting the cd in the stereo. That's what you humans are
for."

 "Oh, right," rolling her eyes, Usagi set her food down and scooped

the cat off of the back of the couch, setting Luna down in her lap.
"So we're not here to pet you until you're lazing about like a lump,
then?"

 "Well...that too," Luna purred, curling up against Usagi's stomach.

"In all seriousness, I am a bit concerned about this Sailor V's
activities. She's been drawing more and more attention to herself
recently. In fact, she started doing this right about the time you
started drawing more attention to your activities."

 "You think she's drawing attention away from Sailor Moon?" Usagi

asked, frowning.

 "It is possible," the cat admitted. "She may be one of the Senshi."
 "And so we come back to that," Usagi sighed.
 "You can't keep doing this by yourself, Usagi," Luna told her

evenly. "Eventually they're going to send something you can't handle."

 "I'm not going to let you wake someone else up and have what

happened to my family happen to them," Usagi retorted. "The answer is
still no. Now, back on topic. Sailor V. Senshi."

 Luna sighed. "I suspect she may be a senshi, as I said. Not,

however, one I am familiar with. She probably woke on her own. What I
don't understand is why she's drawing so much attention to herself, or
who, exactly, she is. My memories are clouded, but I don't remember a
Sailor V from the past."

 "I suppose we'll find out who she is, eventually," Usagi said,

settling the cat on a cushion nearby before rising to dispose of her
food. "In the meantime, I have an early day tomorrow, so I need to get
some sleep." She dumped the container in the trash and placed her fork
in the dishwasher, then went into her bedroom. Luna sat there a
moment, an almost frown on her normally inscrutable feline face, then
followed.

 She narrowly missed the pair of shorts that were flung carelessly

to the floor without a backward glance as her protege undressed.
"Usagi, you have no shame."

 "You're probably right, Luna," Usagi said, not really paying

attention as she pulled her shirt up over her head and tossed it to
the floor as well.

 "Are you planning to go out again tomorrow night?" Luna asked,

jumping up onto the bed and watching the slender young woman pull on a
oversized shirt to sleep in.

 "Probably," Usagi yawned, flipping off the lights and crawling

under the covers. "Sleep now. Talk tomorrow."

 "Good night, Usagi-chan," Luna whispered quietly, curling up as

well.

 "G'night, Luna." the young woman replied, drifting off into

slumber.

Tags are everywhere.  Try cutting them all out, then go through from
the top to read when the speaker is unclear.  At those points, add a
tag.  Otherwise, leave them out.

The plot progression isn't really believable.  Things developing the
way they are now, after years of Usagi being on her own like
this...well, I have trouble with that.  There doesn't seem to be any
reason for it.  Since I haven't seen Minako's introduction I can't say
whether her introduction at this point works, but it feels wrong to
me--it feels like she should have shown up ages earlier.

Usagi's saying that Minako is hot is only an omen of bad things to
come.

*


 It was after three a.m., and the young woman lay blissfully unaware

as she slept, curled next to the black feline she kept. He didn't know
what drew him, night after night, to this place. But here he came,
every night, looking down on her through the skylight above. His eyes
traced the lines of her face as he touched the glass lightly, then
drew away. A rustle of cloth later, and he was gone, leaving nothing
but silence.

The lack of progress on this story element over the years is also hard
to go along with.

*


 Tsukino Usagi had never been one to rise early. This fact had not

changed, despite a multitude of other things giving way to the
pressures of living alone. But, on this odd occassions that she did,
in fact, give in to her baser desires and sleep late, something
inevitably woke her.

 Today was no exception. And the thing that chose to disrupt her

sleeping was the harsh trilling of the phone by the bedstand. A
muffled grunt, and a hand fumbled out from beneath the covers, lifting
the cordless unit and pulling it back underneath the sheets.

 "...It's only nine a.m. What could possibly be so bad?" she

grumbled.

 "Tsukino-san?" a bright voice said. "We need you down at the Osa-P

center. There was a robbery last night. We need as many photos as
possible before the police cordon off the area. You're closest. So
hurry."

 "...Yes, sir," Usagi hung up without another word, pushing herself

free of the covers and heading for the shower.

 She emerged roughly ten minutes later, scrubbing her hair while

rooting around for suitable clothes. Her clothes of choice were
simple. A white t-shirt with a rabbit on the front and cream-colored
slacks. Grabbing her camera and equipment, she started toward the
door, then stopped. A moment's frown and she turned back to the couch,
grabbing the golden locket on the table and pocketing it before
heading out the door without a backward glance.

 The Osa-P shopping center was a fairly impressive place, all things

considered. Usagi didn't spend much time there, as it was the place
where she had rescued Naru multiple times. The fact that so many
people were always coming and going through it made it a feeding
ground for the youma.

 Or it had.
 After her first few stumbles, she had taken a rather brutal

approach to dealing with the youma. Not long after she made a few
object lessons out of the creatures, they had stopped with the
incredibly juvenile schemes to gather energy and resorted to the hit
and run attacks. Despite this, the Osa-P was still a prime target, and
she often faced down youma here when her hunting of them left them
with nowhere else to go.

 Usagi shook her head and tilted the camera up, taking a shot of the

building from the exterior before heading toward the doors. If she was
right, she knew where the break-in had occurred. She slipped through
the door, flashing her press badge at the security officer and
brushing past before he could protest her presence. Her path brought
her by the courtyard where she stopped, staring at the scaffolding and
canvas tarps covering a good portion of the area.

 "They still haven't repaired it all," she murmured, eyes falling on

a section of a sculpture that was missing half its torso, the cut
smooth and polished, as if done with a heated object.

 "Cuts through anything," Usagi said whimsically, turning and

heading for the escalator. As she expected, the jewelry store had been
cordoned off, a younger woman with auburn hair arguing loudly with the
mall security.

 "I don't care if the entire store was looted," she was saying. "I

run this store and I am going in there. Now get out of my way." She
made as if to push past the guard, then saw Usagi.

 "Usagi....?" her eyes widened, then she pulled away from the guard,

who, caught in trying to impede her, lost his balance and fell
backwards to the floor. "Usagi!"

 "Hullo, Naru," Usagi said, suppressing a smile as the girl swept

her up in a fierce hug.

 "I haven't seen you in months, Usagi!" Naru said, stepping back.

"What have you been up to?"

 "Work, mostly," Usagi shrugged. "And school. Just taking care of

things."

 "Oh," Naru's eyes fell to the camera. "You're here to take

pictures?"

 "If at all possible," she admitted, rubbing the back of her head.

"My boss said I was closest, so I got the assignment."

 "Well, I think I can arrange for my best friend to get the scoop,"

Naru told her, grinning. "Follow me." She strode past the guard, who
was still trying to get up, with Usagi close behind.

 "Sometime during the night," Naru said, as Usagi began taking

pictures. "We had a break-in. I was crashing in the back room after
working late and came out to find him again."

 "Him?" Usagi looked at Naru, pausing in mid-motion. "The gentleman

bandit, as the Journal dubbed him?"

 Naru nodded. "The same. All dressed up in a tuxedo and cape, with a

top hat. Honestly, he looked rather silly."

 "What happened then?"
 She shrugged. "He saw me and ran, dropping what he had. But, he'd

already made quite a mess." She swept an arm around the room,
indicating the broken cases. "Honestly, I don't know what he's looking
for."

 Usagi made a noncommital sound, taking a few more pictures and then

frowning. "Did you find the rose?"

 "Rose?" Naru blinked. "Oh, yah, he always leaves a rose behind,

right? Afraid not."

 "Ah well," Usagi slipped between a pair of overturned cases, taking

more pictures as Naru began arguing with the security guard again.
Glancing back to be sure she wasn't noticed, she knelt, reaching
beneath the nearest display, smiling as she found what she was looking
for. A single red rose, the thorns glinting menacingly, rested in her
hand.

 "There you are..." she smiled slightly, holding the rose up to her

nose and breathing in the scent before quickly slipping it into her
camera bag.

 "Naru, I've got to run. Thanks for letting me take some pictures."

Before Naru could protest, Usagi left, putting her camera away as she
walked, her eyes regarding the rose for a moment before she closed the
bag. "I'm going to find out what you're up to, cape-boy." And she knew
just who could help her out.

This really doesn't feel like Usagi.  By this point I really want to
know how old Usagi is supposed to be.  The introduction for her job
made me think she was some kind of cop, too, which isn't good.

*


 Hikawa Shrine sat on the top of a large hill, a fact that had once

irked Usagi to no end due to having to climb to the top. Now, it
barely registered on her as she cheerfully skipped to the top, coming
to a stop at the overhang and looking around. As always, when she
reached the top, the noise of the traffic on the streets below seemed
to fall away, as if some unnatural silence reigned her.

 That was another thing that had bothered her once. It was so quiet

here. Except for the crows whenever she approached. It was almost
impossible for her to sneak up on the person she had come to visit.

 "Usagi."
 "Aaah!" Usagi jumped, spinning to face the source of the voice.

"How do you keep doing that?"

 Hino Rei merely smiled. "Secret of being a shrine maiden. Can't

tell you."

 "Or you'll have to kill me?" Usagi smiled, walking over to the red

and white clad girl.

 Rei nodded. "There would be screaming, I think."
 "Got a present for you," the blonde girl said, reaching into her

pack and extracting the rose, which had, somehow, avoided being
crushed by the camera. With a smile, she held it out.

 Sighing, Rei went back to sweeping. "You could just ask, you know."
 "Should have figured I couldn't fool you," Usagi muttered, lowing

her arm. "I'm sorry."

 "Baka Usagi," Rei murmured, exasperated. "Fix me some tea and I'll

look into it."

 "Yay!" Usagi squealed, hugging the dark haired girl. "You're the

greatest, Rei-chan!"

 "Clutz, stop molesting me or I won't be able to do this," Rei

retorted, laughing.

 "You're just afraid you can't resist my charms," Usagi told her,

grinning impishly before darting away toward the main building.

 "You..." Rei trailed off, shaking her head as she watched Usagi go,

then turned toward the shed to put the broom away.

 The fire crackled before them, filling the small room with warmth.

Usagi sat just behind Rei, a tray with tea and cookies resting to her
left.

 "You really should think about tying your hair back when you do

this, Rei," Usagi said pointedly, producing a ribbon and pulling Rei's
hair back, tying it off neatly in a ponytail so it wasn't in danger of
catching fire.

 "Given that I've been doing this for several years now," Rei said,

smiling at the gesture. "I don't think I have anything to worry about,
Usagi. But... thank you."

 Usagi beamed, settling back as Rei began to work.
 Five minutes passed with nothing but the steady sound of Rei's

breathing, and the frequent flaring up of the fire, a fact that made
Usagi glad she'd tied off Rei's hair beforehand. Then, Rei's shoulders
slumped and she opened her eyes, the fire dying down somewhat as she
released a breath.

 "Still nothing." Rei murmured, eyes dark.
 "Damn," Usagi bit her lip, nodded, then scooted forward, her arms

slipping around the raven-haired woman from behind.

 "Now," Rei said, leaning into the embrace. "Where's that tea?"
 "Here, let me," Usagi smiled, releasing Rei and pouring two cups

halfway full with tea.

 "You were out last night, weren't you?" the shrine maiden asked,

staring down into the cup with a thoughtful expression.

 "Just a routine sweep," Usagi admitted, looking down at her cup as

well.

 "And you saw him," she added, arching an eyebrow as Usagi looked up

in shock.

 "How did you..." Usagi began.
 Rei tilted her head toward the fire. "I saw."
 The blonde was silent for a moment. "Yes. Jaedite appeared last

night."

 "I don't need to ask if you got away, I guess," Rei murmured, after

a moment. "Since you're here and all."

 "Pbbtt!" Usagi sniffed. "I'll have you know he ran away."
 "Still smarting after the beating you gave him?" she asked, rising

gracefully and heading toward the door. She paused a moment as Usagi
got up as well and followed.

 "I'm not sure," was the reply. "It seemed like he wanted to fight

me, but had been told not to."

 "Superiors?"
 "Probably," usagi shrugged. "Nothing I can't handle."
 Rei smiled. "Aren't we arrogant?"
 "Confident," retorted Usagi. "There's a difference."
 "You're not the same ditz I remember first meeting on these steps,"

Rei remarked.

 "No?" Usagi glanced over at Rei, who smirked.
 "Not at all," she said. "You're a different ditz. But a ditz all

the same."

 "You are so mean!" protested the other, pitching her voice into an

almost squeal. "Something like that, no?"

 "Just like that, clutz," Rei said, smiling now. "Where are you

headed now?"

 Usagi shrugged. "I need to drop these pictures off at the Journal,

and then my day's free. Why?"

 "I was hoping we could have lunch."
 "I think I can fit you into my busy schedule," Usagi murmured,

flipping through an imaginary book.

 "Also," Rei said slowly, reaching into her hakama. "I have two

tickets for Aino Minako's concert at the end of the week. Interested?"

 Usagi stood there for a moment, then her voice erupted in a massive

squeal. "Rei-chan!"

 Again, Rei found herself being hugged by the shorter girl, an

embrace that was just on the proper side of being too friendly. "Baka
Usagi. If you bust my eardrums, I won't be able to hear."

 "Alright!" Usagi crowed, her face alight the happiness. "I'll drop

these off, and then we can go have lunch and plan out what we'll do
for the concert. It'll be great!" She grinned, then kissed Rei
soundly, leaving the raven-haired girl standing there dazed as Usagi
raced off down the stairs.

 "I'll meet you at Kino's!" Usagi called, waving.
 Rei smiled, walking toward her house to change clothes. It was

going to be a good week.

Okay.  A quick note: there is nothing wrong with making a character in
a fanfic gay.  Nothing wrong with it at all.  Hell, just to make sure
the character ends up happy, it's okay to make TWO characters gay.
More than that, however, and you start running into problems.  One
problem is that it insults the reader's intelligence.  There are gay
people in the world, yes, but they are not a majority, and so making a
majority of the characters in your story gay is a statistical problem
that the reader will find impossible to ignore.  The next problem,
which follows logically from the last, is that the reader is then
likely to assume that the author is a gay fanboy/fangirl who cares
nothing about believability and instead forges ahead on their gay
fixation as though everybody else is or should be blind to reality.
The THIRD problem, and this is a big one, is that if everybody is gay
then nobody is going to have children and humanity will die out when
the last old man croaks while humping the overused and rotting corpse
of his dearly beloved.

So, quit with the gay people.  It's gay.

*


 "Jaedite!" Beryl's voice cracked out, drawing whimpers and

prompting the youma crowding the throne room to cringe. "Before me,
NOW!"

 "Yes, my Queen?" Jaedite said, his voice echoing before had

finished appearing in front of her, kneeling gracefully.

 "Your forces have been depleted severely," she remarked. "Are you

certain that you can still accomplish the tasks that I desire of you?"

 "I am certain, my Queen," he replied, bowing his head. "The

interference of Sailor Moon is of no matter. She cannot stop our
inevitable triumph."

 "Be that as it may," Beryl said evenly, her voice surprisingly

calm. "I can no longer afford to have you wasting my army against this
girl. I am leaving you in charge of this, for the moment. But I am
relieving you of your forces."

 "But, my Queen!" Jaedite began, almost rising from the floor in

anger.

 "Be silent!" she cracked. "Except for ten that you may choose as

you please, you will have no more youma. Make them count, Jaedite.
Because you will not get any more chances once they are gone. I tire
of this game."

 Jaedite's mouth worked as he tried to form a reply, then he knelt

again. "Your will, my Queen."

 "Now, go," Beryl pronounced, the words echoing throughout the

throne room as Jaedite vanished to the whispers of the youma.

I don't get this.  Where did this scene come from?  Nothing triggered
Beryl's abrupt decision to cut Jaedite out of the youma loop.  It
doesn't make any sense.  The first scene should have had a "this is
your second-to-last chance" speech, then after that Jaedite should
have messed up and gotten trashed by Sailor Moon somehow, and THEN
this scene should take place.  As it is, I ended up feeling like there
was some big fight scene that I missed somehow.

*


 Four years.
 For four years, he had fulfilled every task set before him, turning

countless near-defeats into partial victories by still managing to
salvage energy despite the loss of youma. But now, Queen Beryl had
finally reached the limit of her patience.

 Sailor Moon.
 It was all her fault. Since that first night at the Osa-P shopping

center, where his feud with her had begun, she had bedeviled him. She
seemed nothing then, a child of no account. But her eyes. Her eyes had
blazed with hatred. Something had set her on the path of vengeance. He
did not know what. Nor did he expect to ever find out, to learn why
she had chosen him and his forces as the target of her rage. He had
enjoyed it. The game of cat and mouse. She blossomed before his very
eyes, from an angry, uncertain fledgling, into a powerful and fierce
combatant. He supposed he was a bit in love with her. With the
challenge she embodied. Fighting her had proven a thrill like few
things had since he came into Beryl's service. Even when she had
nearly killed him, he found that he could not be angry. It impressed
him that her skills and resourcefulness had grown enough to overcome a
General of the Dark Kingdom in single combat.

 The most irritating thing, though, was his utter futility at

unmasking her. It was as if she mocked him with impunity. Nothing he
did gave him any sign of who she might be. Powerful magic shielded her
identity, he was certain. Beyond his ability to break outright. But
there were other ways.

 Somewhere in Tokyo, there had to be someone who knew the identity

of Sailor Moon. All he had to do was find that someone. Then, he would
have the key to finally ending this stalemate before Beryl lost all
patience with him.

 But where to begin? In four years, his familiarity with this time

and culture had grown, but that still was nothing to someone who had
grown up here, as he suspected she had. Any plot he could hatch would
be seen through for the obvious ploy that it was. So, it had to be
exceptionally subtle. A thing that the ten youma he had been allotted
would be useless for. Which meant the first steps of whatever plan he
concocted had to start with him. Outright challenging her was futile.
His last real duel with her had proven that. No. For this, he had to
tilt the odds in his favor.

 "A gauntlet..." he murmured aloud, pondering. "If I dispatch the

youma to locations I've used before, that are heavily populated... I
can use the presence of people against her. Hinder her freedom to
fight." Indeed, that was the youma's biggest weakness against her. The
alleyways and streets of the city favored her more than the creatures
of the Dark Kingdom.

 Jaedite turned, his thoughts racing. "So if I dispatch the youma in

quick succession, in situations that they have an upper hand, she will
run herself ragged to stop them. And while she's trying to contain the
flood, I find someone who knows. Someone that Sailor Moon will place
value upon over her own life. Then...."

 It could work. But before he dispatched the youma, he had to find

that leverage on Sailor Moon. It went against everything that had
developed between them, but it was time to end this.

 "I apologise, Sailor Moon," Jaedite said to the air. "But my Queen

must be obeyed." A plan developing, Jaedite faded away from his
chambers, to prepare for his victory.

I didn't really get much of an impression from the scene between him
and Sailor Moon to indicate that they were very close as honorable
enemies, so this feels a bit weak.  Also, the whole mystery of her
rage thing seems off.  When Sailor Moon showed up the Dark Kingdom
(and Jaedite, as being in charge during this period) had just started
the attacks.  It wouldn't be that difficult for Jaedite to look into
possible causes for Sailor Moon to be after revenge.  Granted, the
characters in the original story aren't smart enough for that, but
this isn't the original story.

*


 Rain pelted against the skylight as Usagi laid in bed, one arm

curled loosely around Rei, who was sleeping peacefully. Usagi,
however, was not. Her eyes were wide open, staring at the barely
visible sky through the rain-covered window above. She could feel the
moon. Without even trying, she could pick out its exact position as it
moved across the night sky.

 It called to her.
 On nights like this, it was easier. The clouds obscured it from

view and thus, its pull weakened. But it was always there, tugging at
her. Somewhere there was something that demanded her attention. A need
for Sailor Moon.

 Once, she would have answered it without a second thought. Hoping

that the youma she would inevitably find would be the one she had
sought every night for four years. But it never was. Now, she went out
both for that, and for other reasons.

 A reason that currently slept in the bed with her, pressed close

for warmth.

 And that was the reason she was going out tonight.
 Without disturbing her companion, she carefully slid from bed,

tucking the covers around the sleeping raven-haired beauty and placing
a kiss on her forehead. "Sleep well, Rei."

 Luna stood on the bathroom counter as she quietly closed the door,

watching her, eyes serious. "You're going out?"

 "Yes," Usagi whispered, nodding. "Watch her, please?"
 "Be careful, Usagi," Luna whispered as the blonde's expression

turned to steel and five words slipped from her lips.

 "Moon Prism Power...Make up!" Light flared in the bathroom,

momentarily blinding the feline as magic swirled within the room. When
the brilliance faded, Tsukino Usagi stood transformed.

 Red and white boots surrounded her legs to just below the knees, a

blue skirt attached to a white body-suit and red ribbon that covered
her torso. Nestled in the center of the ribbon was a golden locket,
glinting in the flourescent light. A red ribbon circled her neck, a
crescent moon glinting on it. Tiny crescent moon earrings dangled from
her ears, and a golden tiara rested on her forehead. As always, the
twin odango & ponytails had returned, hair ornaments of red and gold
attached to them now. Lastly, white gloves covered her arms to just
above the elbow.

 "I'll be back in a few hours, Luna," Sailor Moon told her mentor,

stepping over to the window above the shower and pushing it open so it
leaned outward. Her hands gripped the edge and she pulled herself
through, her feet the last thing Luna saw as she departed.

 "She's gone?" Rei asked quietly from the doorway, a sheet wrapped

around her body.

 Luna nodded silently, saying nothing as Rei walked over to the

shower, reaching up to close the window.

 "Can't let the rain in," Rei said, voice held steady, with only the

faintest hint of worry. She turned to the cat as the latch clicked.
"Would you like some ice cream, Luna? I think I need some."

 Again, Luna nodded, saying nothing. Rei scooped the feline up and

together they went back into the main apartment to wait.

Lesbians everywhere....

*


 The rain had started coming down harder since she had set out, and

it was now close to flooding in some areas. She hadn't found a youma
yet, but had managed to help a few people out here and there.

 "As bad as Sailor V," she muttered, stopping on a roof to look

around. "Stopping muggers and such." Sighing, Sailor Moon closed her
eyes, reaching out with her senses. There had to be something...

 There.
 Her eyes snapped open and she backed up, then started running

toward the roof's edge. Without breaking stride, she leapt into the
air, coming down across the street with enough force to crack the
cement. Not stopping, she continued on, crossing several streets in
this fashion until she reached a darkened alleyway and launched
herself into the air. She spun in the air, diving straight down at the
youma standing there, terrorising a group of thugs.

 The impact sent the youma sprawling before the feet of the

terrified punks.

 "Go," Sailor Moon told them, voice firm. "Before you get hurt."
 The five boys all nodded, eyes wide, and took off running as fast

as they could.

 "Now then," Sailor Moon said brightly, tilting her head to look

down at the youma. "Where were we? Ah, yes." She kicked the youma
viciously in the ribs, hard enough to send it flying into the nearby
building.

 "Destroyer..." it hissed, finally getting a good look at her.
 "Why yes, I will be yours in a moment," she agreed, neatly

sidestepping its charge as she spoke. "I hope you're looking forward
to it as much as I am."

 "I will not be killed by you!" it snarled, throwing a punch at her.
 She caught it effortlessly in her hand. "You know. I would have

some witty remark here any other time, but frankly, you're boring. You
haven't said anything that the rest of your kind haven't already told
me." A quick twist, and the youma over-balanced, its arm wrenched
painfully to the side. Sailor Moon's free hand came around, clenched
into a fist, and struck the creature squarely in the torso. The blow
drove it back several feet toward the mouth of the alley. It slumped
there, holding an arm to its midsection, then snarled.

 "DIE!" Both hands came up, lightning crackling between them, that

arced out toward her.

 "Pathetic," she muttered, one hand catching her tiara as it fell

free, already beginning to change shape. A rustle of cloth obscured
her vision and strong arms encircled her before she could finish her
attack, someone carrying her to the roof above.

 "Let go!" she snarled, struggling against whoever held her as they

landed. She whirled to stare down into the alley, looking for the
youma. The alley lay dark and empty, though. It had fled in her moment
of distraction.

 "Are you alright?" a male voice asked behind her, a white gloved

hand settling on her shoulder. "It didn't hurt you..." His words cut
off in a grunt as she drove her elbow into his stomach, then spun,
punching him in the face viciously.

 "What the hell did you do that for?" Sailor Moon snarled. "It got

away!"

 He stared up at her through his white domino mask, one hand to his

jaw, clearly confused. "But... you were right in the way of its
attack... I saved you."

 She looked at him for a moment, then snorted. "I was about to wipe

the damned thing out. Do me a favor, freak, don't bother me again. I
don't need saving."

 "This is wrong," he said, clearly still confused. "I'm supposed to

save you..."

 "Yes, it is!" she agreed, voice rising. "And no, you're not. I'm

not a damsel in distress and you're not my white knight on his horse.
In fact, I don't even know who you are."

 "Tuxedo Kamen..." he murmured, rising slowly.
 "Oh, well that's a clever nickname," Sailor Moon snorted. "Just...

do me a favor and don't get in my way again." She turned to go, then
stopped.

 "Oh, and one other thing," she turned to face him, then punched him

again, once more knocking him down. "That was for the hands." That
said, she leapt down into the alley, vanishing out of sight.

 Tuxedo Kamen sat there for a moment more, trying to figure out what

had just happened here. And why it felt as if his entire universe were
several notes away from where it should have been. He sat there a bit
longer, the rain pouring down from above, then got to his feet again
and disappeared into the night as well.

This made no sense to me.  Why would Tuxedo Mask jump in and haul her
out like that?  His assumption here--that she's being attacked, or
something--makes no sense.  Especially not with the fact that they
have met each other prior to this scene, and so he should know that
she is quite capable of fighting on her own.

And again, this feels absolutely nothing like Usagi.

*


 Sailor Moon skidded to a stop in the main section of the park,

looking around in frustration. "Damn! It got away."

 The night was turning exceedingly less pleasant. The youma had

escaped, due to the interloper and now she was standing here, in the
pouring rain, searching for it futilely.

 "I should have punched him a few more times," she muttered, shaking

her head. "As it is, I might make it back in time not to have Rei yell
at me." Frustrated, she set off at a run toward home.

 She arrived about ten minutes later, frowning irritably at the

bathroom window as it had somehow been latched, and dropped into the
bathroom silently. A quick touch of her brooch, and she was again
Tsukino Usagi. Humming under her breath, she quietly opened the
bathroom door and walked out into the main area of the apartment.

 "You're back?"
 Usagi jumped, then turned her head to regard Rei. "You take an

inordinate amount of pleasure in doing that, I swear."

 "It amazes me how the scourge of the Dark Kingdom can be so easily

surprised," Rei murmured, seated at the table near the bed, a mug of
hot chocolate held in her hands that she was watching Usagi over.

 "Don't tell anyone," Usagi replied, yawning as she opened the

refrigerator and extracted the milk jug and poured a glass. "Why are
you up?"

 "Waiting," Rei told her. "And thinking."
 "About?"
 "What you've been keeping from me."
 The glass of milk hit the floor, shattering as Usagi stared at Rei,

paling. "What?"

 "Baka Usagi," Rei murmured, exasperated as she rose from the table

and began cleaning the mess up. "I was talking about the photo
assignment you've got next week in Hokkaido. You can't go to Aino
Minako's concert."

 "Oh," Usagi turned away, digging in the closet for the mop. "That."
 "That is the only thing you haven't told me, isn't it, Usagi?" Rei

asked from the floor, her voice like steel.

 "Where the hell is the mop?" Usagi snapped, glowering at the

closet.

 "Usagi."
 "I don't want to talk about this, Rei," the blonde replied, not

looking at the raven-haired female.

 "Then, when?" Rei murmured, letting the pieces of the cup fall to

the floor from her hands.

 "How does never sound?" Usagi growled. "Is never good?"
 "There's no need to get angry, Usagi. It is just a question."
 "Not one I want to answer," the blonde retorted.
 "Fine," Rei snorted, her own temper coming to the fore. "When you

feel like talking, you know where to find me." She stood, moving over
to collect her clothes from the floor and began to get dressed. Usagi
watched her for a moment, then opened her mouth.

 "Baka," Rei announced, fastening her bra as she spoke. "As I said,

when you feel like talking, come find me." She pulled her shirt on,
grabbed her jacket, and walked out without another word.

 "Rei..." Usagi stood there in the kitchen, staring at the door as

it closed. Then, she sighed, digging out the mop and broom to begin
cleaning up.

I'm wondering how they met and how their relationship developed like
this.

* The Past


 "You know your mother doesn't think this appropriate," the slender

female in the red gown whispered, eyes half-lidded as she almost
purred.

 "My mother," the other said, muffled somewhat. "Is a dreadful bore

and thinks I should marry that Prince from Terra."

 "It is a politically sound marriage, Princess," her companion

replied, sitting up on her elbows to regard the blonde as she lay
sprawled on the bed next to her, head resting against the pillow. "And
he is not unattractive."

 "Yes, he is handsome," she admitted, irritation in her voice. "But

he has the manners of a pig and insulted me. In fact, I think he's
carrying on with his bodyguards." She sniffed, eyes twinkling with
mischief.

 The other giggled, turning to regard the Princess. "You shouldn't

tell tales, Princess."

 "Who says I'm telling tales?" she replied, laughing. "It's little

wonder he was so rude, given that I interrupted his tryst with the
brown-haired member of his guard. Nephlite? Nephrite?"

 "His name is Nephrite," the Senshi of Mars said with a sigh,

shaking her head at her Princess. "And I find it hard to believe that
he is having trysts with his bodyguards while here to formalise his
betrothal to you. That would be a massive insult to the Queen. She
would hardly abide such an action."

 "Mother has been too busy closeted with the senshi from the outer

planets to notice any such thing," the Princess grinned. "And while
Luna and Artemis have been handling the negotiations, they can't
observe every single thing that the Prince has been doing."

 "Selene..." the Senshi of Mars began. "What have you seen?"
 "Oh, nothing," Selene laughed. "Except for Endymion and Nephrite

being very friendly in the royal gardens."

 "You're serious, aren't you?" she asked, raising one perfect

eyebrow. "This isn't some prank you and Aphrodite set up, is it?"

 "This is far too good for us to bother with that," Selene laughed.

"Though, letting it get back to my mother isn't a bad idea. Maybe it
will disgrace him enough in her eyes that I won't have to go through
with this marriage."

 "You're a Princess, Selene," came the patient reply. "You will be

Queen one day. You don't have the luxury of doing things at a whim."

 "If I can't be with who I want, then I don't want to be Queen," she

told her Senshi firmly. "Mother knows I don't like this too-pretty
Prince and his overbearing entourage. Yet she still insists on trying
to force this through, because it will be 'politically convenient.' I
think not. The only person I might ever want to marry, is you,
Phoebe."

 "I'm flattered that you feel that way, Princess," Phoebe murmured.

"But you know that can't ever happen."

 "We'll see about that." Selene said darkly, turning to place a

single, chaste kiss on her companion's lips. "I'm going to go talk to
mother. Take care of yourself." With that, she slid off of the bed,
brushing her dress out and departed with a smile.

Gay people everywhere...

* The Present



 The door had been smashed in, the door frame itself also badly

damaged.

 "Shingo, stay here," Usagi said, giving him a look that brooked no

argument. Carefully, she stepped through the rubble of the door,
entering the living room of her house.

 And stopped, gasping.
 There was blood everywhere. The walls. The floor. The furniture.

All of it. Covered in blood.

 "U-usagi-chan..." a voice rasped out. Usagi blinked, her eyes

falling on her parents. Her mother had spoken, one hand raised weakly.

 "Momma..." Usagi whispered, something inside her welling up in

response as tears tracked from her eyes. "Poppa..."

 She took a step toward them. Then something heavy struck her from

behind, pitching her down where her parents lay. She twisted over,
eyes searching for what had attacked her. And she saw. And screamed.

 "Pretty girl.." it hissed, hunched over, a pulsating mass of red

and black that defied the imagination. "Pretty shiny girl..."

 "Usagi!" Shingo yelled from the doorway, having rushed in.
 "Shingo! GO! Get away!" she screamed at him. "
 "Kill pretty girl..." it hissed, started to lunge at her. A rush of

feet, and someone slammed into her, pushing her away. She slumped,
dazed, and then recovered awareness. The thing held Shingo, hissing at
him as he struggled.

 "Shingo!" Usagi screamed, starting to crawl toward them, but

slipping in the blood. So much blood.

 "Annoyingstupidboy," the creature hissed at Shingo, shaking him

violently. "Make stupidboy suffer." A black star coalesced on the
surface of the creature's chest. Light crackled from it, striking
Shingo in the chest. He began to scream, as if he were being torn
apart.

 "SHINGO!" Usagi's scream was piercing as she again tried to get up.

There had to be...

 "Someone..." she whispered. "Anyone...help..."
 "Usagi." a voice said, drawing her attention. A black cat stood

before her, almost crying. And it spoke.

 "Awaken."
 Light consumed everything.

This isn't in the present--this is in the past!  Also, this whole
youma approach doesn't fit with the series.  Jaedite's youmas always
went for massive crowds, which wouldn't be found in a house-to-house
approach.  I haven't really gotten the impression that in this AU all
youmas rip up their victims, either--you need to go one way or the
other, I think, either they do or they don't.

Flash.


 "No one's really sure what happened," the detective said to his

superior who had just arrived. "Screaming was reported at around five
in the afternoon, and the first patrolmen on the scene found her,
crying and holding her younger brother in her arms. The parents were
dead, and whatever happened, it was a doozy. The place was completely
trashed." He pointed at the huge hole in the building on the side
facing the street.

 "Witnesses reported a red and black, and I quote, monster, tearing

its way out of the house, leaving a trail of, and I quote again, red
slime and blood in its wake." he continued, rolling his eyes. "The
girl apparently also chopped off her hair. Two lengths of it were in a
pile near her. As near as we can tell, during whatever happened, she
fell and got her parents' blood all over her hair. Probably freaked."

 "Think she did it?" the chief asked, frowning.
 "Killed them?" the detective shook his head. "Not a chance.

Whatever did that in there was insane. And definitely not the work of
a teenage girl."

 "What about the brother?"
 "Well... we're not really sure," the detective admitted.

"Physically, he's only got a few bruises and maybe a cracked rib.
But... he's even less there than the girl. She at least is somewhat
aware. Hysterical, but aware. The boy... it's like he's not even
there."

Since when do youma physically kill their victims?  Again, I've only
seen up to ep sixteen, but the victims are always drained without
physical harm.  That is also true of at least the second half of the R
season, which I read the manga for.  I don't get this whole covered in
her parents' blood thing.

Flash.


 "Tsukino Usagi," the judiciary said, giving the blankly staring

girl as comforting a smile as he could manage. "Until you reach the
age of majority, I am remanding you to the custody of your aunt."

 "Come, Usagi-chan," her aunt said quietly, leading the girl away

without a word.

 A few hours later, she sat in a quiet bedroom, the walls blank and

unadorned. She did as she had been doing for the past three days.
Staring at nothing.

 "Usagi." the voice said again. Her head turned slightly, regarding

the black cat with almost a hint of awareness.

 "I'm so sorry, Usagi..." the cat continued, almost crying as it

lunged forward, burying itself against her midsection."

 "Luna..." the girl said, her voice rough with disuse.

Where's her brother?

Flash.


 Naru was screaming. The thing that had pretended to be her mother

loomed over her, one hand reaching out menacingly.

 There was a hiss. And a golden light streaked past Naru's cheek,

tearing into the creature above her. It screamed, the sound hideous as
it dissolved into nothing.

 Then he was there. Eyes cold as he regarded her for a moment. Then

he saluted once and vanished.

What?

 Tsukino Usagi woke with a gasp, almost screaming out.
 Luna was there, batting her head against Usagi's arm to get her

attention and calm her as she had done countless times before.

 "The nightmare again?" Luna asked as the girl's eyes refocused in

the present and she scooped the cat up in her arms.

 Usagi said nothing, merely nodding, eyes bright with unshed tears.
 "You haven't had one in a while," Luna murmured, resting against

Usagi.

 "No," Usagi agreed. "When Rei's here, they don't come."
 "I'm sorry about all this, Usagi," the cat said. "Rei was very

inquisitive this evening. I thought I had diverted as usual. It seems
that she's not buying the excuses anymore."

 "It's alright, Luna," Usagi whispered. "I knew this would happen.

As much as I wanted it to be different."

 "Are you going to tell her, then?"
 "Soon," she said. "But not yet. I...can't."
 "Go back to sleep, Usagi-chan," Luna told her charge. "I'll make

sure you have no more bad dreams." With that, she met Usagi's eyes,
her golden crescent flashing once, and the young woman fell back onto
the bed into dreamless sleep.

 "Usagi-chan.." Luna whispered, eyes sad as she watched the

slumbering girl. "Why did it all have to be like this?"

I'm more interested in all this unrevealed backstory than I am in
what's happening now.

 She was watching from across the street as the raven-haired young

woman began the ascent up the stairs to Hikawa Shrine. She was the
only one who knew that the one she watched was crying, heart torn over
events earlier in the night. She knew all of this. It didn't change
that she was unable to do anything but watch. She had watched as a
civilization unrivaled in its glory had fallen to the whims of a mad
queen and her demented obsessions. She had been unable to do anything
then. But now... she would act and hope that the tragedies of the past
would not repeat themselves.

 "Forgive me, Mars," she whispered to the wind, watching her prey's

back as she vanished over the crest of the hill. She raised one hand,
palm up, and blew air across it, as if blowing something away in the
direction of the shrine. With a single pained look in the direction of
the shrine, she turned to go, green hair that was almost black
swirling out behind her. Two steps, and she vanished, leaving the
rain-wet sidewalk dark and empty.

This mystery character thing is annoying.

Hm.  Overall thoughts?  This isn't Usagi.  The way that Usagi ended up
here from her original state is quite unclear.  How Usagi ended up
very dominant in her relationship with Luna isn't indicated.  How the
whole lesbian thing with Rei showed up is never even mentioned.  The
respectful relationship between Jaedite and Usagi that developed isn't
very clear.  The idea of all this waiting years to happen (by this
point all of the other SM enemies should have long since shown up,
too, which is a problem) is hard to go along with.

I have to say that I'm not that interested in the way things are in
the story right now.  I'd much rather see how all of this
developed--Usagi's reaction to her parents' death (again, I don't
really think the character feels right for that) and all of the
consequences that follow.  That interests me.  I want to see all this
happening and I want to see it happening when Usagi is still fourteen
instead of years later when nothing makes sense.

I do like the idea you've got going here--the changed Usagi thing
makes me think of DarkAlpha's similar Ami fic, Riptides.  I don't
think you quite pulled it off, but the idea is good and I'd like to
see more.  I do hope you keep my comments in mind when
revising/rewriting/continuing, though.


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