Ah. Another episode of Paragon. I'm happily surprised to see it.
So it's a good choice to get back into C&C after a too long 
break.

Keep in mind, this is all my opinion, so you can choose to ignore
anything you want.

    Describe and define Destiny in ten words or less.

    You can't.

    You can try, but you will fail.  There are so many
possible definitions of Destiny.  NO-ONE one in the world
has ever been able to define Destiny.

"NO-ONE one"

Extra "one" there.
 

    With one exception... a boy named Ranma Saotome.

    He was asked once-- never mind by who-- what HE
thought destiny was.

    And he paused, and replied...

    "Pretty much the kinda crap that happens to me.  Ain't
no way to get around it."

    He did define it... but he didn't get it under ten
words.

So... "Unavoidable crap that happens ta people" would work?

Ha! Six words.

    "Huh?"  The Champion of Love and Justice took on a
blank expression, as she looked at the unconscious girl
laid on a couch in Mamoru's apartment.

    "Well, whenever you make a new friend, they usually
turn out to be a good person, and often an ally.  You've
got a knack for it."

Or alternatively the next victim of an attack, and once in 
a while, one of the enemy in disguise. Or both in at least
one case.

    "It's not the afterlife, Ranma.  It's just that right
now your mind is on an astral plane.  One that your
world's mystics don't know about."

    The pigtailed martial artist spun, ready for attack,
only to relax at the sight of the little kid that had
started him on the whole Paragon thing in the first place.
 "Oh, you.  So, this is a, whaddyacallit, out of body
experience?"

"ready to attack" / "ready for an attack"

    "A name?  Hmmm.  I suppose you can call me... Elvis."

    "You're kidding."

    "It's as good a name as any.  Personal identifiers
aren't a major issue for my kind."

    "But ELVIS?"

    "Is there some significance to that name I'm not aware
of?"

Which makes you wonder where he got the name from in the first 
place. 
 

    Ranma sighed.  "Never mind.  Well, Elvis, why am I
here?"

    "Hmmm... how to explain this... simply put, we hadn't
expected for you to wind up in a situation that would
trigger the Fusing so soon.  We'd expected the enemy, the
Dark, to continue with assaults on passerby.  Instead they
decided to try to kill you directly."

So if the enemy is the Dark, then this guy would be part of 
'The Light'. Well, it certainly fits the surrondings.
 

    "I make a friend-- a just plain friend-- for what may
be the first time in my entire LIFE and she's Sailor Moon.
 Ain't ANYTHING in my life EVER gonna be normal?"  Ranma
was half torn between an impulse to weep and another to
explode in hysterical laughter.  Once again, the universe
had thrown him a curve ball when he'd been expecting a
hockey puck.

Kind of interesting that Usagi and Mamoru said the same thing
earlier. Well done. ^_^
 

    Ukyo Kuonji sighed as she polished the counters in her
restaurant.  And yet again berated herself for what she
could only describe as the single stupidest thing she had
EVER done in her life.

    What had possessed her to crash the wedding THAT way? 
In company with Shampoo, yet.  It was certainly not
something that would endear her to Ranma, that was
certain.

    And yet she'd had the stupid idea that Ranma would be
grateful to her.  Instead, Ranma wouldn't speak to her
unless spoken to, and didn't come by anymore.  He called
her Ukyo, not Ucchan.  He refused offers of lunch, even.

    And for all that, she was getting better treatment
than Shampoo, who was being TOTALLY ignored by Ranma.

    (He likes her.  I should have seen it coming.  They
had been getting along better and better, and he wasn't
refusing the wedding... he likes her.

    (Better than he likes me.)

    A single tear trickled down her cheek, as she polished
the countertop, and a whispered word escaped her lips...

    "Jackass."

    She wasn't sure who she was addressing that to.

This is a really nice scene, but it comes out of nowhere and 
goes almost nowhere. To be honest, I would save it for a time
when something sparks it, for example: 

Ranma and Akane are returning from a Paragon meeting. They are 
having a discussion about something, perhaps not important, 
when Ukyo approaches. Not wanting to let the cat out of the bag,
they both fall silent. Ukyo, thinking this has something to do 
with her actions, has a short conversation with them, and excuses 
herself to go clean the restaurant. Ranma and Akane, continue on,
starting up their discussion. Then this scene occurs at the Ucchan.

    And Usagi didn't tell him who any of the other Senshi
were, not at all.  But she did tell him a short version of
the Silver Millennium, and about her power, and where it
came from-- sort of.

Suggestion say something like: "any of the other four Senshi"
so that we know she said anything about the outer Senshi,
as Ranma hasn't seen them yet and probably isn't aware they 
exist. It's subtle, but it may help.
 

    "Anyhow, I ain't tellin' anyone about you guys if you
don't tell anyone about me.  And that means your friends
too-- I don't wanna know, and I don't want THEM to know. 
I don't wanna see anyone hurt except the Dark."

    Usagi scowled at that statement.  "Well, if you want
this kept secret, I can agree.  But I think we can take
care of ourselves eeeep."

The "ourselves eeep" looks a little wrong. 
Maybe "ourselves-- Eeep!"
 

    "They... they are?"

    Naoko-kun nodded.  "Mainly a defensive weapon, right? 
And a distraction.  I get the idea you ain't a front-line
fighter, more there to give support fire to the girls, and
keep their spirits up. Nothing wrong with that in my book,
since they're the heavy hitters... you're there to give
them a clear shot."

Someone has been heavily changed by being the Paragon, I see.
 

    "Hey, works for me, Usagi-sempai.  You ever need to
let off steam, Mamoru-kun, I'm willing to be listen.  I
rarely drink beer, tho."

    "And I can still talk to Naoko-chan, and it's great,
because you understand both sides!  Wait.  Usagi-sempai?"

I pity Ranma/Naoko-chan should this pair have another break 
up. It's bad enough being friends with both halfs of an 
ex-couple, but to be the confidant of both. <shudder>
 

    Usagi burst out in a fit of giggles, while Mamoru
started to laugh heartily.  Naoko-kun smiled, and then
began to imitate Mamoru.

Why was he imitating Mamoru? I think you meant he joined in,
but its a little clumsy.
 

    There was a pause.  "There's one thing I gotta tell
you.  Naoko Takahashi is the girl... keep it to yourselves
, but my male name is Ranma Saotome."

    ####

    "Why are we in Tokyo, anyway?"  Haruka Tenoh grumbled.
 "I'd hoped we'd never have to come back here.  I'd choke
if I had to face the Princess after..."

    "We're here because I need a new gown for the Kyoto
recital, love.  And I agree... thinking back, trying to
beat up the Princess to prove she WAS the Princess was not
our brightest moment.  I wish we knew where Setsuna was...
what happened to her.  She could have just told us
outright."  Michiru Kaioh sighed.  After the Guardian of
Time had used her forbidden Time Stop, she'd vanished...
and neither of them had any idea what had happened to her.

I can't remember if the timing for Paragon in the SM universe
had been set up previously, but this does it. I guess it also
is an indicator that you aren't going to try fit the story 
between series (S ans SS, by the looks of it), and have no
changes to the original continuity.

The intersteing question is... why hasn't Chibi-Usa been 
showing up to the battles? I don't remember her doing so.
  

    "She could also have told us what morons we were
being.  I can't BELIEVE that we pulled a stunt like
that..."

If she had told you, you wouldn't have listened.

    "I don't think we were being morons, exactly--"

    Haruka grimaced.  "I can't find any other way to put
it.  We were wrong about the Talismans, about sacrifices,
about Hotaru, about EVERYTHING.  We didn't make a SINGLE
call throughout the entire thing that was correct.  The
only reason we attacked the Princess was because we were
just too damn proud to admit that we were wrong from the
start.  That Sailor Moon was right.  And that we should
have just connected with her at the beginning and shared
information and followed her damn lead."

    "But-"

    "But nothing, Michiru.  We were just a couple of loose
cannons. I mean, it was pretty obvious that Setsuna
trusted her.  But nooo... we had to be the Elite, the best
, the ones who were right.  I haven't spent a day since
that I haven't been disgusted at myself.  And I really
HATE coming back to Tokyo because it reminds me of what a
fool I was... and you should hate it also."

'And despite all that, we're going to do it all again when 
the Sailor Stars show up!'
 

    Michiru sighed.  She didn't like to admit it, but she
shared those feelings.  Haruka, as ever, was more vocal
about it, true... but it was true that they had not
exactly made the best of calls during the Pharaoh 90
incident.  "Well, I doubt we'll see her... or any of them.
 We're just in town to pick up my new dress for the
concert, overnight at a hotel, and then back to Kyoto. 
What could possibly happen?"

    Michiru had never met a citizen of Nerima.  Had she,
she would have known what an incredibly stupid thing that
was to say.

I really expected this scene to go SOMEWHERE in this part,
but I guess it's set-up for the next part.
 

    "Well, it's ain't!  I got a, um, fiancee, and she's a
bit jealous, and kinda leaps to the wrong idea about
things, so if a girl calls asking for Ranma, well..." 
(And that's not to mention what the hell would happen of
Pops or old man Tendo picked up the phone, and if Nabiki
did-- oh, god.  Be even worse if Mom did.  SHE'D be all
for something that ain't there.)

It'll be interesting to see if Usagi bursts Makoto and Minako's
bubble with that piece of information. Perhaps not on purpose.
 

    Naoko smiled.  "Gomen, Usagi-chan.  As far as I'm
concerned, the less Ranma Saotome is seen in Juuban, the
better.  But you have a way for us to get in touch?"

    "Sure!  It's my best idea ever!  Um... I'd ask you to
come, Mamo-chan, but, well, you know how Daddy is
sometimes..."

Yes, and imagine how he'd react if someone as crude as Ranma
showed up on his door.
 

    Usagi giggled.  "None taken.  I guess you're too much
of a tomboy to like the look!"

    "You have no idea-- no, wait, you do.  Heh.  Well,
I'll take it-- it's a good idea until we can find
something else.  Ranma can hide it easily enough, too."

They're called Celphone's Ranma, and they ain't that 
expensive.
 

    "Wow, you've got a subspace pocket like Mercury does!"

Considering subspace is a sci-fi term, would Usagi use it?

Personally, I would have though "magic pocket" would be more 
likely. Although it would change the following conversation
somewhat.

    "A what?"

    "A subspace pocket!  It's where she keeps her
computer.  She has this really neat computer, and she
keeps it in a pocket in subspace. That's what she calls it
, anyhow."

    "Oh.  No, it's just Hidden Weapons technique.  It's a
martial art I know only a little bit about-- there's this
guy I know who has what I can only call true mastery of
it-- but what it is is forcing the weave of reality to
accept a foreign object by the manipulation of chi."

Nice explanation.

    Usagi mused over that.  "So, what you're saying is you
kind of make a space under our space that you can keep
stuff in?"

    "Yes, basically."

    "Isn't that subspace?"

Like I said, this doesn't sound like typical Japanese teenage 
girl, it sounds more like western teenage boy that watches 
Star Trek.

    Naoko blinked.  "Um... maybe.  I'm not exactly an
expert on the technique, like I said."

    "Well, it sounds like it to me.  I mean, if it looks
like a duck, and sounds like a duck, and swims like a duck
, then it's a duck, right?"

    For some reason Naoko seemed rather... uncertain.  "I
don't know. I'll have to ask the duck."

    Which left Usagi, understandably, quite nonplussed.

Heh. Nice punchline.
 

    ####

    Somewhere in a Chinese restaurant, a certain Master of
Hidden Weapons sneezed.

I'd have to look it up, but isn't that superstition "when you
sneeze, someone is saying bad things about you"?
 

    As he stepped into the parlor of the Tendo household,
he was hit by a bucket of icy water, and a familiar
"Sweeto!" was heard, followed by a small creature of
indistinct lineage-- although it was theorized that it was
human-- snuggling into his chest.  

Did he need a certificate to prove he was human? ^_^
 

    Happosai blinked.  Something wasn't right here. 
Something was missing, or rather, hadn't been added.

    "There a problem, old perv?"

    "You didn't change."  Happosai was frozen in
confusion.  "You didn't change."

    "Hey, mind letting go of me?  You're annoying enough
as it is, without ya deciding to try out the yaoi thing,
too."

Dear god! That image has scarred me for life!
 

    He decided to check up on Akane, who'd been pretty
subdued of late-- why, he wasn't sure.  Probably something
like a test or some girl thing he didn't understand yet.  

    Paragon or not, Ranma Saotome was still fairly
clueless about women.

Interesting that he never made it to checking up on Akane. 
Because after her chat with Elvis in the next scene, she 
would be acting  somewhat different, even if he doesn't 
find out why.
 

    ####

    (The Tendo house, an hour previous)

You'll excuse me if I object to events being presented in a
non-linear fasion. Only time I find it acceptable is in a
flashback or a time-travel story (even then).

Is there any particular reason this scene couldn't take place 
before Ranma arriving home?
 

    She could not cook.  And she now knew it.  The old
"How do you know it's bad if you don't try it?" line no
longer followed.  Ranma would try anything she prepared...
and then dismiss it.  And every time for good reason.

Ok, from this part, I'd guess the theme of this story is:
"growing up". Everyone, even Haruka and Michuru, seem to be
maturing somewhat.
 

    Ranma smiled.  A small, tight, and evil smile that
would have been more in place on Nabiki's face.  "Yep.  I
got the right to check my account. All ethical and such. 
And you kinda just kept assuming that I was in the red. 
Ya never DID bother to add it up.  Makes sense,
considerin' past history and all, but you might want to
look."

    Nabiki paled.  "No... you can't mean--"

Nabiki really must be loosing it. It would be so easy to 
laugh it of as Ranma making a mistake. Of course, Ranma
hasn't made a mistake, and she'd be in a worse position
when he proved that by dragging her upstairs and making
her add up the numbers for him.
 

    "Must be driving you up the wall, kid."

    Akane spun, instinctively dropping into a defensive
stance-- it wouldn't be the first time some lunatic had
invaded her room-- only to face what appeared to be a
little boy.  He looked at her with wide eyes, a grin on
his face.  "Yup.  I thought so."

It's ELVIS! <Room gets mobbed by fans>.
 

    "Ever consider how he was raised?"

    "Eh?"

    "Kid was raised to be the best fighter of his
generation-- and damn little else.  Social skills?  What
are those?  As far as Genma was concerned, if it couldn't
be eaten or used as a weapon, no need to teach it to
Ranma.  It's a real miracle that he turned out as well as
he did.  Genma wasn't trying to make a Ranma, after all...
he was trying to make a Chibi-Genma."

Here's a fanfiction cliche I don't like, the all-knowing 
figure explaining all of Ranma's problems to someone and
them seeing him in a new light. At least you've set Akane
up in a position where she would accept what is being said.

It is, however, a weak method of changing a character.

    "Hmm.  I seem to remember a certain rather dehydrated
girl who saved his life in China, for example."

A few more examples might be good, if you decide to keep the
Kami changing Akane story. Unfortunately I can't think of 
any from the manga, other than the classic "you were always
there with a kettle".
 

    Jack Case stood in Tofu Ono's office and sighed. 
"Like I said, Doc.  Hesse's been dead for half a day now. 
Stroke."

Who is Jack Case? What does he look like? He was mentioned 
in passing in Chapter 4, but, other than he is some kind of 
computer genius, we know absolutely nothing about him. Is he
short, tall, thin, fat, wear glasses, asian, speaking 
english?
 

    Cologne stared at the world's greatest hacker and
groaned. "Well, that's just wonderful.  You know the code
as well as any of us.  There must be five."

    David Wong nodded.  "But where do we find a fifth? 
Where do we find anyone to take his place?"

Why haven't we got some kind of plan in this event?

    "That's not really necessary."

    All heads turned to a young boy, who smiled at them. 

For a bunch of conspirators, that's a really calm reaction. 
You might want to describe who they reacted to the sudden
intrusion, and also what they saw. 

"I'd like you to meet someone half of you already know. 
And unless I miss my guess, our Paragon should be here in
a moment."

    Akane stared at the unexpected sight of Doctor Tofu
and Cologne in, for some reason, Juuban.  For that matter,
she wasn't sure why she was here herself.  All she knew
was she could somehow help Ranma.

    Of course, Cologne and Tofu returned the stare.  Then,
as Cologne scratched her head in puzzlement, Tofu nodded
to himself.

    "You-- the kid!  What are you doing here?"

Suggest: "You-- the kid!" a new voice exclaimed. "What are 
you doing here."
 

    Akane turned to a stunned redhead at the door, who
seemed somehow vaguely familiar-- as if she'd met her in
passing.  What did this girl have to do with Ranma?  For a
moment, jealousy began to raise it's head, but she
flattened it with the mental equivalent of a mallet.  She
would-- did-- trust Ranma.  She HAD to.

    "I'd like you to meet the other members of the
Brotherhood, Naoko-chan.    Some you know already."

Elvis said this?

    Naoko had been startled enough to see the boy that she
han't noticed Akane or Cologne.  When she did, she took it
as calmly as could be expected.

    "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?"

    "Well.  That's better than I had expected."

A little confusing who noted this. It's Elvis again, I guess, but 
on the first read through I thought it might have been Tofu.
 

    A panting voice at the door complained, "Blast it, Ra-
Naoko-chan, do you HAVE to run so fast?  It's not like we
were late or anything why is SHE here?"

"It's not like we were late or anything-- WHY is SHE here?"
 

    "Is... is that you, Ranma?" breathed Akane.  "How did
you get cursed again?  And why are you dressed like a
girl?"

    "Child, you're being ridiculous," retorted Cologne. 
"Whover this girl is, she's most definitely NOT Ranma."

    "Change, 'Naoko-chan', and explain.  I can stay no
longer, lest the Dark detect me."  And the boy was gone,
as though he had never been there.

    "But... But... But..." the redhead repeated.

    Tofu sighed.  "I think you should.  Especially since
we have an unexpected-- but potentially very valuable--
new member of our cabal."

    "What are you guys yakking about?"  muttered Case, in
an irritated tone.  "I mean, the girl must be the Paragon,
but what is this other girl babbling about?"

    Wong, on the other hand, raised an eyebrow at Akane's
mention of curses.  Unlike Case, he knew rather a bit
about Cologne's activities in Japan, and the reason for
them.  "Well, that's a wrinkle I wouldn't have expected."

    "And what does THAT mean, David Wong?" huffed the
elder.  

Case and Wong certainly took their time to react to 
everything. Have the Botherhood all met Elvis before? 
(Yes, I'm going to keep referring to him as Elvis).
 
An enjoyable read, despite my compliants. Certainly one 
of the better Ranma/Sailor Moon cross-overs.

Oh, and when's the next part of Girl Days coming out (only
joking).
-----------
David Farr
http://www.wanderers-library.net/
djfarr@wanderers-library.net
 - Welcome to the Ends of the World, don't pick the flowers.


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