Heh.  Just couldn't resist.

Zorknot wrote:

Rather the first thing that happens should be that
Ranma wakes up with antennae on his head and wonders
how the hell they got there. 

The Metamorphosis
  (with apologies to Franz Kafka)

As Ranma Saotome awoke one morning from a troubled dream, he found
himself changed in his bed to some monstrous kind of vermin.

He lay on his back, which was as hard as armor plate, and, raising
his head a little, he could see the arch of his great, brown belly,
divided by bowed corrugations.  Ranma's legs, pitiably thin compared
with their former size, fluttered helplessly before his eyes.

"Ranma," Akane called from the hallway.  "It is a quarter to seven.
Aren't you going to school today?"

"Ummm... I don't know, Akane.  Somehow I've been transformed
into some kind of monstrous vermin.  Can you call the Nekohanten
an' ask if Shampoo came by with some Spring of Drowned Giant
Cockroach water or somethin'?  Anyway, I'm not sure I can even
get on my feet right now."

"What are you talking about, Ranma?"  Akane opened the door
and came in.  She gasped.  "You're not really a cockroach;
more of a beetle, actually."

"Oh, my!  A giant speckled water beetle!  How cute!"  Kasumi said,
pouring hot water from a kettle over Ranma's insectile body.
However, nothing happened; Ranma did not change.

"Then again, maybe Ranma's real parents were giant insects from
the Nebulon galaxy,"  mused Nabiki over Akane's right shoulder.

"Yuck!  Shampoo hate big bugs!  Shampoo never marry Ranma
now," Shampoo exclaimed over Akane's left shoulder.  "Maybe
squish instead."

"I gotta say, Ranchan, you're looking real ugly there," added
Ukyou, over Akane's head.  "I'm rethinking our engagement myself."

"Boy!  All obstacles have fled!  Now give up this foolishness
and marry Akane immediately!" shouted Genma from further on
down the hall.

"Oh!  My son is so manly," Nodoka opined from Genma's side.
"Well, in an insectile way, of course," she added when she
noticed Kasumi and Nabiki staring at her.

"Akane!  We should hold the wedding right now!" exclaimed a
pleased Soun, snapping out his fan in delight.

"Dad!  How can I marry a giant beetle?"

"No problem, Akane," Nabiki asserted, smirking.  "I think with
a bit of contortion and acrobatics, things can be made to fit,
if you know what I mean."

Akane spluttered.  "I AM NOT MARRYING A GIANT BEETLE
FROM THE NEBULON GALAXY!"

"Hey!  I ain't from no other galaxy or nothin'!  I'm your
everyday variety garden beetle here!  Just a lot better at
martial arts," Ranma asserted, jerking his left forearm towards
his face in a crude approximation of pointing with a thumb.

"You can't even get to your feet, Ranma," Akane said with
asperity.  "How can you do martial arts?  You're in so shape
to take over the dojo!"

"Or engage in any other human activity," Kasumi added under
her breath.

"If we discover how this happened," Nabiki mused aloud,
"maybe we can apply the same process to Akane.  They'll
be perfect for each other then."

"Excellent plan, Nabiki!"  Soun applauded, ignoring the
look of horror on Akane's face.  "We shall have the
wedding this very day!"

And so it came to pass.  Whether the couple lived happily
ever after, however, is a story for another day.





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