Just my two cents.

An a closely related note: who the hell are these girls? We're given
names, but they're just faceless and annoying ANCs. "I know, let's
make up a bunch of new characters to alternately feel sorry for Ranma
and hate for everybody else! What a cool idea!" The Ranma manga
doesn't do shit for character depth or plot or anything related to
thought at all, really, but every character, especially the characters
that are around for more than a single story, is firmly established.
Yet this story, which is supposed to be drama in some twisted and
ineffectual fashion, doesn't even have that. All we get is a horde of
idiots prancing around and parotting the author's opinions without
even getting a bare lipservice of individual personalities. Not cool.

I found these characters have been pretty well differentiated through the 
chapters thus far. Given the plot using original characters makes sense and 
having them sympathetic to Ranma makes sense in that context.

*She was just about to put the maroon slacks back on when the full
realization of what she had just done hit her squarely between the
eyes.*

What? Did she fart?

This does need to be explained better. Whether or not it's in-character for 
Ranma doesn't bother me much but *what* Ranma's concerned by doing isn't 
adequately explained.

Okay, while it's fine to make out like Ranma is such a poor pathetic
little creature who is so put upon that it would make even the darkest
gods weep, it really doesn't work here. The story makes out like Ranma
is experiencing extreme trauma, yet tries to make out like this is the
exact same Ranma we all know and love from the first 24 volumes of the
manga--the Ranma who would blow all this new 'trauma' off as nothing.
Well, which is it? He's a pathetic, emotional wreck, or he's the
character from the manga? You can't use both. If he's a pathetic,
emotional wreck, well, why the hell is the backstory the same as for
the original Ranma?

I disagree. My interpretation only of course, but IIRC Ranma's ability to 
deal with failure has never been developed beyond going after an obvious 
solution. (admittedly I ahven't read all the manga so there may be an example I am 
unaware of) Here he doesn't have a clear target to chase to solve the problem so 
there reaction might be lesss positive. Granted it's a bit cliche in 
fanfiction for this sort of thing to hit Ranma hard but that's not to say it can't be 
used again.

*The situation was quickly becoming intolerable, yet there was almost
nothing more Eiko could do at the moment. It was really quite
irritating.*

Yeah, it is. if Eiko was so pissy about the stuff Pluto was doing, why
didn't she tell Pluto that? But no, Eiko sits in silence for a few
THOUSAND YEARS and then gets pissed and goes to talk to somebody
completely different. Yeah, that's the way to go. Eiko doesn't have a
single reason to bitch.

Why Eiko couldn't get Pluto to acknowledge her - by shouting into her ear for 
a month or so non-stop perhaps? - needs to be explained. I can think of a 
couple of possibilities but it is a plot hole that needs to be addressed.

*And there was certainly *nothing* subtle about Ranma's body
language.*

I'm reading this as Ranma putting her panties on backwards, or
something. Maybe she put on a pair with a sextoy attached and it's
vibrating the hell out of her composure. It's hard to tell. There's so
many ways to interpret this.

Emoting being really miserable was how I interpreted this - it seemed fairly 
clear to me.

[many words and sentences and paragraphs of Ranma's modified family
history.]

Umm...does this stuff matter? It's not interesting. I don't CARE.
Unless the family history and great samurai lineage nonsense is going
to make a difference in the fic (so far there are no indications of
this being the case) there is no reason for it to be here.

I rather liked that part. It explains a certain amount about the family 
relationships and does so in character voice rather than author voice.

*--- Juuban ---*

This should read as:

MEANWHILE, somewhere in JUUBAN, in an UNSPECIFIED PLACE without WALLS
or FLOORS or a CEILING or ANY OTHER SETTING CLUES... THINGS ARE
HAPPENING to UNSPECIFIED PEOPLE.

Maybe which part of Juuban it is doesn't matter. It's the bit with Usagi, Ami 
and Makoto in it.

[scene with lots of personality-less ANCs fighting each other for no
apparent plot or character-related reason. Ranma becomes Sensei God of
the Cliche Alignment.]

...Why?

Um, they're being assessed? By their teachers? And Ranma's opinion is asked 
because he's quite a good martial artist?

[scene of Ranma reflecting over how nice it felt to be masturbated by
Tofu.]

Oh, god, please stop pounding me with these cliches. Is there a reason
for this crap? Unless gender conflict is a large aspect of the story,
this is unneeded and annoying. If it IS a large aspect of the story,
it's not being given enough attention and it's only being given
attention in the obvious ways that have been addressed a million times
already. Regardless of the gender issue, the sexual nerves being
damaged angle has also been done a thousand times. It's stupid to even
bother and it doesn't add anything at all. "Gee, lets make Ranma a
sexual idiot! what a great idea!" ...

That bit did seem a little gratuitous.

[scene of author interjection in the form of Ranma laughing at
Chibiusa.]

My, how creative. You know, E'd never seen anybody make fun of
Chibiusa before. How refreshing, in a stagnant kind of way. And on
that note, who the hell is Midori? It's hard to keep all these
personality-less ANCs straight for more than one sentence at a time.
They just bleed together like my eyes upon seeing a nude beach during
a retirees convention.

To restate - I had no probelm at all with that scene or telling the four 
kunoichi apart.

*Incorrect. Sailor Pluto was attempting to bring about a certain
sequence of events which would have killed nearly the entire
population, but a select few would have been protected and preserved.*

Oooh! I've never seen THAT before! I mean, wow, Pluto as being the
creator of Crystal Tokyo! I never knew that was in the manga or anime!
I never knew it was her fault! Let's all blame Pluto!

That notion is indeed non-canon. OTOH, so is pretty much all fanfiction. It's 
cliche but so are a lot of otherwise very good fics.

*"My HUSBAND would not have engaged my son and daughter to a violent
maniac from an honorless family of eta."*

Hm. This part has been done before, though not as often as with having
Ranma be eta. The idea itself is as cliche as it gets, but at least
it's used in a not-quite-overused way. It's an interesting thing to
throw in the fic at this point, though, when the story is clearly not
about the Tendous or Ranma's relationship with them. So, basically,
the Tendous are being bashed for no reason except to bash them. The
story does not revolve around the conflict introduced with this
comment. It's a waste of electric ink.

I think Nodoka's being insulting here (very insulting IIRC) rather than 
actualy saying something about the Tendo's actual family status.

*The continual failures were wearing her down as well; she required
more and more time between each attempt to recover even a small part
of her strength. Unfortunately, there was little else she could do
except to keep trying - without control of the gates she could neither
communicate nor leave the space-time warp the Gates currently
occupied.*

Hah! So Eiko was not only being a bitch about Pluto trying to regain
control, she was being a bitch AND locking Pluto out beyond time for
millinea, and complaining that Pluto wanted out?

Good point, which does need to be addressed. Again, plenty of ways to deal 
with it but having Pluto trapped at the Gate doesn't make sense in the context 
of her losing her powers. And  I agree that her assumption that only a member 
of Serenity's court could be the guardian doesn't make a great deal of sense.

I look forward to more of the fic and to seeing how you address the issues 
raised.



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