DB -

Believe it or not, I've been reading this story recently (as well as going
through the archives of the old Dirty Pair fanfics of the early to
mid-90's), and I gotta tell ya, I've really enjoyed this story.  Granted, I
know Iria/Zeriam from *nothing*, but the way this is written, you really
don't *have* to know about that - I take it Kei was to Iria like, say, Ed
was to Spike Siegal?

Anyway, rather than just say 'hey, I like this, write more,' I figure I
might as well do a *little* proofreading, even if I'm all-too-aware of my
lack of ability to comment on the characterization.  Granted, this'll slow
down my latest convention report, but I've gotten the impression that very
few folks out here even knew there *was* one last weekend, so it's not like
anyone's holding their breath.

"Oh yes. Definitely like Kei," Iria agreed. "They're penchant for getting
themselves in trouble is exactly the same, even if nothing else is."

That would be "*Their* penchant..."

"Oh, that big meenie. It was really annoying the way he nearly came
out right on top of us."

I think it would be 'meanie', unless it's a sort of verbal misspelling that
just augments Yuri's 'ditzy girl' act.

Geez, I never expected to play spelling maven to you, DB...

The searcher made a face at a small rectangle wrapped in puss green foil
that was in her belt pouch. "Ugh, KCR Rations?"

Dare I even ask what shade 'puss green' is?  I've never seen a green cat,
and I don't *want* to see a yeast infection *that* bad...

He looked it over. "Your vid-cam is broken."

"I know, that's why I'm bringing it along. I'm getting it fixed while I'm

on

the station."

"I just didn't want to get blamed for it," the man insisted. He turned to
his commander. "She's clean."

Ah, CYA, the mark of a true professional.

Killgore noted that Campion's agitated stated had infected his squad,

"agitated state," right?

"If you were this bitchy back then, I'm not surprised he dumped you."

"He did not dump me I dumped him!"

I've probably read too many authors who occasionally lapse into
stream-of-conciousness or omit punctuation or grammar to indicate a
character's speech patterns, but somehow I doubt that you meant to leave out
anything (whether comma, period or exclamation point) between 'me' and 'I'.

Anyway, as always, a fascinating read, and one I hope to see continued soon.

Itsu mo,
Ucchan  ^_^



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