Troy Thomas wrote:
Not much to comment on. And whatever comments there
are my opinion.
Man, I'm so backlogged it takes me this long to reply to my own C&C.
-_-;;
Blinking away her distraction, she forced
herself to sit up straight
before the teacher threw chalk at her. The daydream
threw a chalk at her
'piece of chalk'?
"Really?" the teacher asked, some of the
terseness seeping out of
his voice. "What is your question?" he asked
somewhat skeptically.
he asked, somewhat skeptically.
Otherwise, not too much else, expect perhaps a small
question mark next to Akane's participation, as it
adds less than desired to the story.
It may be better to skim her part out completely and
give what participation she has to Ukyo, or add a bit
more bulk to Akane's part.
Will have to consider it; it doesn't add much here, you're right.
But on the other hand, it's a link for the next story in the series....
This leads me to wonder if the classroom scene itself
is absolutely necessary. To be honest, I mostly
skipped past the section where the teacher's speaking,
scrolling from Ukyo's inner thoughts to her meeting
Ranma in the hallway, which were both good solid
scene's (compared to the classroom scene, which is
weaker than either).
I was going for that, 'coming back to your senses from a daydream'
feel. I imagine it will require some retooling.
Maybe it would better to lead with Ukyo's thoughts
straight through the lecture right to the lunch bell,
with her reflecting on the teacher's words? And then
meeting Ranma?
Sorry if I'm not making too much sense. It's three in
the morning here, and I'm sleepy, and I should be in
bed.
This could be a good suggestions; I will need to reconsider the
entire thing. Hroom....
Anyway, thanks for the story. I really enjoyed reading it.
And than you for the feedback, it's greatly appreciated.
Now here's to hoping I get enough free time to do some C&C of my own
to pay you back for this....
=====
Troy Thomas
http://ca.geocities.com/troythomas1/
troythomas1@yahoo.ca