Here are my comments. Not to be taken personally, as
they're only my opinion. If you don't agree with them,
then please ignore them.

Troy Thomas

 Final Cantrip

A Harry Potter/ Witch Hunter Robin fanfic
N.A.Sinclair.


None of the following characters are mine and a 
lawsuit dealing with
a question of possession and fair use would only
lead to my financial
sorrow although it would increase my PR as a writer.

C&C is (as always) welcome and yes, I know my
formatting sucks.

It's beyond awful, to be honest. It's a bit difficult
to comment with such line wrapping.

N.A.S.




  Three hundred and twenty years have passed since
the Coven fell into
 the Dark. A place forgotten. The teaching of the
forbidden.
 Secrets Whispered in the Dark in a Lost Place. A
School for
 Witches.

                                ........Fatal
Cantrip


  Harry watched in horror as the door opened and
Neville stumbled into
 the bathroom as Hermione finished uttering the
final words of the
 spell..
 It wasn't the other boy's entrance that disturbed
him so.

  It was the results.

  Neville had stumbled forward arms pinwheeling and
slid across the thin
 line of silver powder that provided the pair's
magical protection and
 set the boundaries of the spell and everything
suddenly went dark.
 The dank smell of the old bathroom was replaced
with a gentle breeze
 which brought the night scents of moist earth and
mouldering leaves.

  "Oh dear."

 That simple statement in it's plain matter of fact
way by Hermione
 coupled with the coolness to the breeze which
whispered by his cheek
 confirmed his worst fears.

  He had expected to be transported to the sunny
moist heat of
 a jungle -this wasn't it.

a jungle - this wasn't it.
 

 Things were just getting worse and worse.

  Harry would never understand how spells could go
as wrong as they often
 did. And the sheer lack of logic to it all
sometimes made him want to
 scream.
 *luminos* he muttered tiredly with a wave of his
wand and began to
 fumble in the wet weeds for his missing glasses.
 The girl beside him silently began to pick up the
apparatus which had
 been so orderly a brief minute ago and now lay
scattered.
 Harry savagely hoped that Neville (wherever he was)
was now hopping
 about in the form of that toad he liked so much.

luminos -> Lumos

-> Harry would never understand how spells could go as
wrong as they often did.

Then I suppose they aren't taught Murphy's Law at
Hogwarts?

 

  Where were his glasses?

  First Ron was bitten by that Spider-wraith, then
this.
 After he had been attacked (in the boys toilets if
it could be believed)
 Ron had lain as if dead, lifeless in the schools
infirmary.
 For the last two days and as each minute of each
hour had ticked by he
 had grown more and more still. The angry reds and
sickly yellow of the
 bite on his arm was the only bit of colour on his
usually pale freckled
 skin which had taken the look of a bad waxwork..
 All of the staff had tried their hand at a cure but
none of their efforts
 had done anything but slow the creeping process of
venom.
 Madame Pomfrey's medical magics and Professor
Sprout's herbals
 and posits had done nothing and neither had any of
her healing spells.
 Even Professor Snape, muttering and scowling had
even tried to transform
 the poison in his students body into something less
harmful to no avail.

  When Harry had gone to Dumbledore with the
suggestion of aid from
 Falwkes. Dumbledore, looking older than Harry had
ever seen him, had
 sadly explained that such creatures as the one that
had struck Ron were
 so uncommon that remedies for such a thing were if
not unknown then at
 least rare beyond rare. Hagrid had even tried to
seek aid from his old
 pet in the forest who had raised furry palps in
dismay at the mention of
 it's deamonic kindred.
 It wasn't any one thing that told him things were
wrong.

it's -> its
 

 It was everything.

  Of course it wasn't like anything had gone right
for quite some time and
 Harry was becoming far to familiar with the feeling
of losing one close
 to him. Finally as day after day, hour after hour
had passed hope had
 appeared in the form of a tired looking Hermione
half-dragging an old
 mouldy book.

  She had been, to put it mildly, a sight.
 Her hair was dusty mess of snarls and cob-webs and
her eyes were rimmed
 in red from lack of sleep and crying.
 Now however they glimmered with a light that Harry
had not seen for
 days.

  "I've got it." She said excitedly.

"I've got it," she said, excitedly.

  "What?" Harry asked tiredly.

"What?" Harry asked, tiredly.

  "This is it." She opened the book raising a cloud
of odd-smelling dust
 and pointing excitedly at the queer-looking script
inside.

  "The cure." She whispered excitedly.

"The cure," she whispered, excitedly.

  Suddenly Harry was nothing but interested.

Suddenly, Harry was nothing but interested.

  He squinted at the crabbed writing and his itching
eyes widened as he
 read the description of the very creature which had
attacked his friend.
 Turning the pages anxiously he read about the
remedy made from rare
 plants from a distant land..

Anxiously turning the pages, he read about the remedy
made from rare plants from a distant land.

And, what do you meaning by 'itching eyes'?

  "So we get someone in Peru to get these flowers?
Who?"

  "No one." Hermionie said. "We go ourselves. Now.
Otherwise."
 She stifled a sob." Otherwise they will all fuss
and fumble and it
 will be to late."

"No one," Hermionie said.
 

  "Us?" Asked Harry surprised. "How?"

"Us?" asked Harry, surprised.

  "With this." She said producing a slim volume from
her pocket.

"With this," she said, producing

 "Advancedtransport spells."

  Harry stared at her dumbfounded. "But that belongs
in the restricted
 section."

Harry stared at her, dumbfoundedly.

  "And this doesn't?" She gestured at the larger
book. "How do you
 think I got this?
 I've got special research privileges from
McGonagall for my advanced
 work this year remember?"

  She sighed in exasperation, suddenly very much the
old Hermionie
 who Harry was used to.

whom

  "Sounds like breaking the rules." Harry teased
gently for the
 first time in what seemed ages feeling like
smiling.

It's a bit of a mess. Could be a bit more clear,

"Sounds like breaking the rules," said Harry,
teasingly. He smiled in relief.
 

  "Bother the rules." She replied with a slight
flush and
 they had set to work.

"Bother the rules," she replied
 

***

  Although this current  accident wasn't exactly
planned for it
 wasn't quite a surprise.

Two spaces between 'current' and 'accident'

Although this current accident wasn't exactly planned
for, it wasn't
 

  Harry strained his eyes and tried to make out
something in the
 darkness.
 He was sure that wherever they were it probably
would be somewhere bad.

it would probably be
 

***

 Alarms had been ringing for the last hour.

  Information had been sketchy at first and the team
had moved out
 with a direction to go and little else. but now as
they drove
 information began to trickle in.

  "Children." They had been told. "Dangerous
children from abroad:
 Witches."

"Children," they had been told.
 

  The photos that rolled out of the automobiles data
links
 printer were actually copies of sketches.
 The drawings had been assembled as composites put
together by best
 guesses and by what Amon derisively called the
"Hounds of God".
 As far as Robin understood these people were
individuals who had a
 certain sensitivity and ability to use the Craft in
small ways.
 -not Witches but simply possesing a few useful
gifts.
 (They were of course still watched carefully) These
few could sense
 disruptions and disturbances and acted as both an
early warning
 system and means of aiding the Hunters.

"But why were they a threat and what were they doing
here?" Robin
wondered aloud and gingerly took a sip out of the
"travelling mug" she
recently purchased. Despite the fact that STN-J used
the most cutting
edge of modern technology she was distrustful of the
device and found
that most of the roadside stops made horrible
coffee.

  "They're Witches." Amon said simply not taking his
eyes from
 the headlight-lit road.
  "What else do we need to know?"

They're Witches," Amon said, not taking
Does Witches need to be capitalized?
 

  "Agreed." Michael joined in over her headset. "As
far as we
 can tell they just *appeared* out in the middle of
nowhere
 and set the sensitives jangling.
 As far as we can tell they were in a national park
near Otakai
 and as far as we can tell have not moved. Of course
it's only
 been about an hour and they are on foot.

  Zaizen's voice broke in startling Robin. "We can't
count on them
 staying there. If we look at their sudden
appearance. They may
 just as easily disappear again.
 It's our job to stop them." He continued.
  "Since you were already in Chiba Amon your team is
the closest.
 If you run into any problems we have Miho, Haruhito
and Doujima
 en-route should you encounter resistance and for
final cleanup
 we have a helicopter unit from Factory which will
wait in Ohara."

He said, continuing, "Since you are already in Chiba,
Amon, your team is the closest. If you run into any
problems, we
 

 "So, should we wait for backup?" Robin asked.

  "No. I have full confidence in your abilities and
you have proved
 yourself against multiple targets on previous
occasions. The
 others are simply a precautionary measure. Amon, I
expect you to
 perform as effectively as always.
 Robin, your abilities are powerful but don't grow
overconfident."

  "Hai." Robin acknowledged.

"Yes," said Robin, acknowledgingly.
 

  As Amon drove Robin looked over the artists
impressions again.
 The two Witches didn't look evil but she knew
better than to
 trust that appearance innocence. She had seen (and
mistaken) such
 an appearance of innocence before and would not do
it again.

As Amon drove, Robin

she knew better than to trust that innocent
appearance.
 

                             ***

  "So where are we then?" Harry asked looking up at
the
 unfamiliar constellations which shone dimly in the
dark sky.

Harry asked, looking
 

  "I'm not sure." Hermione frowned. "Things look all
turned about.
 If I had known this was going to happen I would
have brought
 Glimmerings "Stars of the Northern and Southern
Hemispheres".

going to happen, I would've brought Glimmerings'
'Stars of the Northern and Southern Hemispheres'."
 

  "If I had known this was going to happen I would
have turned
 Longbottom into a statue two hours before we had
started all this.

  "Harry!"

  "Well it's his fault we are wherever we are isn't
it?"

"Well, it's his
 

  "I suppose if we hadn't rushed so we would have
been able to do
 something." Hermione admitted.
  "Not to Neville of course." She added quickly.
"But we could have
 set up some sort of warning system or something."
She sighed.
  "It's my fault really.
 I shouldn't have been so quick to do things. I was
sloppy."

"I suppose if we hadn't rushed, we would've been able
to do something," Hermione admitted. "Not to Neville,
of course," she added, quickly.
 

  Harry moved forward and gave her a little shake.

  "It is NOT your fault Hermione." He said fiercely
with
 another little shake to go with his words and she
looked at him
 with wide startled eyes.

"It is NOT your fauly, Hermione," he said, fiercly,
with
 

  "Not your fault." He repeated more gently and he
raised a hand
 to stroke her face feeling a strange alkward
yetcomfortable feeling
 he had never quite felt about her before.
  "We're both worried about Ron and that just
muddles things. Neither
 of us is at fault here."

"Not your fault," he repeated

a strange, awkward, yet uncomfortable feeling
 

  "Harry." Hermione murmured and raised her hand to
place his
 within her own small one.

"Harry," Hermione murmered
 

 Suddenly they both jerked away from each other as
if burned.

  "Well." Hermione said awkwardly and Harry fancied
he could see
 a faint reddish glow upon her cheeks that mirrored
a flush
 of his own.
 "Well, I suppose it really doesn't matter where we
are.
 We should quickly finish rebuilding this charm
again.
 The sooner we do so..."

"Well," Hermione said, awkwardly, and

The sooner we do so...."
I was taught recently that if elipses terminate a
sentence, then four periods are needed.
 

  "The sooner we help Ron." Harry finished and his
friend gave him
 a shy moonlit smile.

"The sooner we help Ron," said Harry, finishing the
sentence, and his

shy, moonlit smile.
 

  Hermione opened the book and by the cold blue glow
of their
 wands Harry began to lay out the components of the
spell for
 the second time that evening.
***

Space is needed between the end of the scene and the
marker.

the second time that evening.

***

  After parking the car Amon and Robin met the local
policeman at
 the parks' entrance and they showed him the badges
and documents
 that they kept for such purposes.

  "We don't many problems round here." The young
patrolman said.
 "Just the usual sort of thing you know."

'round here," the young
 

  Amon nodded.

  "All we need." He said . "Is for you to watch this
entrance. We'll
 go in."

"All we need," he said, "is for
 

  "And you're sure they're here?"

  "Our informants were sure." Amon said.

were sure," Amon said.
 

  "Are you sure you don't need any sort of backup?"
The officer asked
 with images of Americian style COPS programs he had
watched while
 on vacation in Hawaii.

any sort of backup?" the officer asked, with
 

  "I could get some people from the station and go
in with
 you or go myself."

  "No." Amon replied curtly, and then as if
remembering. "No, officer,
 but thank you."

"No," Amon replied, curtly,
 

  "Inspector Hanada and myself are trained to deal
with these sorts
 of violent offenders" Amon continued. And,
besides..."
 He opened his greatcoat partially showing his Orbo
pistol (although
 not showing enough to clearly identify it's actual
nature.)

violent offender," Amon said, continuing

'continued' doesn't describe someone speaking, so
that's why I suggested that.
 

  "We are better equipped for this sort as well."

  Even in the dim light of the entrance to the park
Robin could see the
 police officer pale visibly.

  Patrol Officer Yoshitori hadn't encountered a
situation like this
 before. Despite the fact that Tokyo was across the
Bay Otaki just
 wasn't the "big city". Traffic tickets, the
occasional drunk and
 some petty crime were all he was used to. These two
inner city cops
 from the Special Crimes probably saw all of that
before breakfast
 and before they started their day.
 Despite the fact that the girl looked like she was
only a teenager
 these were the pistol-packin' real thing. Heck,
with cops this scary
 he didn't want to meet who they were after - big
time gangsters or
 crazies most like.

"Well, if you'd prefer me staying here I'll do
that." He said and tried
not to show his relief.

I'll do that," he said, and
 

***

  The two Hunters moved almost silently as they
moved into the park.
 Although it was night, things were still easy to
make out,
 lit by moonlight and light pollution that spilled
from Tokyo.
 Just to be sure however Amon wore a pair of light
enhancement
 goggles flipped upon his forehead.

Just to be sure, however, Amon
 

  Robin found that the more she used the Power the
better her night
 vision had become, although she also had put on her
spectacles.
 Seeing she had discovered, was quite a different
thing than
 seeing well.

the more she used the power, the better
 

  The park was a forested area but had many gravel
paved walking
 paths which wound through the area with the
addition of
 semi-floating corduroy walkways in the wetland
areas which allowed
 the curious to inspect the flora of the area
without either sinking
 in themselves or disturbing the terrain.
 Due to the pathways it was easy to move through the
deceptively
 thick forested areas and in a clump of bushes Robin
could see the
 orange light and twisting shadows of a small fire.

  Amon made a few gestures with his hands and Robin
nodded.

  Separating herself from her partner she slowly
began a careful
 circle around the fire.
 She lay each foot down with a careful precision and
slowly parted
 the small limbs which obstructed her path and then
held
 them as she passed and then let them fall back into
place before
 releasing them.

  When she was younger - or even a few months ago
she would sneak
 out of the Monastery and walk the grounds alone at
night.
 Although she had been raised there and embraced
most of the
 vows as the members of the Order she still was
young and needed at
 times to stretch her wings.
 This stretching expressed itself in explorations of
the
 forested lands that lay beside the Monastery's
vineyards. If she
 moved silently and carefully she would often be
rewarded with the rare
 site of the forest creatures that lived there and
shunned humanity.

  As she moved in closer she could hear voices
speaking in English
 although what they were saying made little sense.
Robin was unsure
 at Amon's ability in that language but that
probably didn't matter.
 She supposed they were mantras which helped them
focus their abilities.
 Of course what they were actually doing was still a
mystery, and, it
 would soon be put to a stop anyway.

  She came closer to the clearing and was soon only
a few steps away.
 Suddenly she heard a sharp *crack* on the other
side of the clearing
 and remembered that although Amon was a predator,
he was an urban
 predator.

You need a marker here like what you had before.

he was an urban predator.

***
 

  Harry sighed (for what seemed like the hundredth
time that evening)
 and wiped his brow.
 Clearing the area and then tracing out the patterns
for the spell
 on the ground with the various powders and herbs
was more difficult
 than simply doing it on the even stone flags of
Hogwarts.
 The coal for the brazier had been scattered as well
and so the two
 had been forced to scrounge and improvise with some
of the fallen
 deadwood.
 He pointed his wand at the silver coin which lay at
the junction
 between two intricately drawn lines of powdered
silver and copper
 and muttered one of the phrases that Hermione had
taught him.
 There was small flash of blue light and then the
coin began to slowly
 pulse with energy. The mystic energy then seeped
from the coin and
 into the lines of powder and that section of the
matrix joined it's
 neighbour in the web of power.
 Only five more to go.

  Hermione placed another pinch of fire beetle wing
in the small
 copper cauldron and frowned.
 She knew they were in the Southern hemisphere but
had no real idea where.
 Her calculations needed a certain amount of
precision but she hoped that
 if she used approximations of the original amounts
of ingredients and that
 this would give them that extra smidgen of luck by
invoking the
 Law of Similarity.
  She just hoped Harry was doing as well on his end
of things. As long
 as they both were successful they would be picking
up the herbs Ron
 needed and be home in time to treat him and have
afternoon tea.

  Suddenly there was a loud *crack* from the
darkness that circled
 their fire-lit haven. It was followed shortly
afterward by a muffled
 curse.
 Hemione froze, then threw a sharp glance towards
Harry. Her friend
 had stopped his work and was looking warily out
into the dark.

  "Hello?" She asked tentatively. "Is there anyone
there?"

"Hello?" she asked, tentatively.
 

  There was no reply.

 Hermione raised her wand.

 *luminos*

Hermione raised her wand. "Lumos."
 

 She murmured and pale light shone on it's tip. She
gave a
 flicking motion (as one might do to flick water off
something) and
 the dim ball of light drifted lazily towards the
trees, expanding
 and growing brighter as it did so.

  At the same time as Hermione was doing this Harry,
for a reason
 he couldn't explain got the feeling that there was
someone else
 ...behind them.

that there was someone else... behind them.
 

  Confident in Hermione's skills in Defence against
the Dark Arts
 he turned, wand poised.

  From the darkness outside the fire came a darker
silhouette.

  "I see you." Harry's nervousness  caused a tremor
of anxiety in his
 voice. "Come out now where I can see you and there
won't be any
 trouble.."

There's an extra space between 'nervousness' and
'caused'.

won't be any trouble."
 

 The figure stepped closer into the firelight and
Harry gaped.

  A girl.

  She was tall and seemed to be in some sort of dark
robes.
 Her hair, a sort of flickering platinum colour in
the firelight was
 tied in rather odd braids. Like Harry himself she
also wore spectacles.

  Harry lowered his wand (keeping it ready) and
tried to look as non-
 threatening as possible. After all, if one wasn't a
Wizard then a wand
 was simply a short stick wasn't it?

  "Hello." He began again. ""We're friends and we
seem to be re, a bit
 lost. Do you speak English?"

"Hello," he said.
'He began again' doesn't describe someone speaking.
 

  Harry suddenly realised that Hermione had made a
dreadful mistake
 in casting the light spell and quickly tried to
think of a way to
 explain it to these foreign muggles. Perhaps they
could say they
 were some sort of camping lights?
 He seemed to remember some sort of glowing
tubes....

  "Harry." Hermione hissed and he spared a glance in
her direction
 and felt a chill.

  Emerging into the witchlight facing her came
another dark clad
 figure and as he did so the strangest thing
happened.
 The nimbus of light that had further lit the area
flickered and died.
 As the man entered it.

  "Harry?" Hermione's voice trembled and he watched
as the man
 reached inside his coat.
  "Watch out!" Harry cried. They're Wizards!"

  He quickly turned his attention to the girl.

  She simply stood and watched him and made no
attempt to produce a
 wand so he kept his low and at the ready. Behind
him he could hear
 Hermione yell out.

 *Expelliarmus*
 - the disarming charm, followed quickly by a more
uncertain

 *Rictusempra*
 to hopefully stun or petrify the man.
 This usually should have done the trick on most who
were unused
 to wizardling duels but the and several other
charms which ranged
 from irritants to more drastic things that were
closer to a deeper
 shade of grey showed someone experienced in the
Arts.

  The strange thing was the silence of it all.
 Despite his friends' spells there was no sound from
the other wizard.
 The duel was strangely one-sided from the sound of
things. The only
 other loud noises being the sound of Hermionie's
nervous breathing.
 Harry longed to aid her but knew doing so would
mean turning away
 from the girl and that would not do at all.

 Unless of course...unless she was incapacitated.

Unless, of course... unless
 

 He quickly raised his wand and also shouted out
*Rictusempra*

 A thin thread of power flashed from his wand an
towards the girl.

  -Where it stopped a few feet in front of her and
splashed like
 a series of sparks which fizzed out upon the
ground.

Where it
 

  The girl, who hadn't looked all that friendly to
begin with looked
 even less so.

  Harry watched her eyes narrow behind her lenses
and then threw
 his arm up in surprise at the wave of heat as a
wall of fire shot
 up just in front of him.

  A wave of the wand and a muttered incantation
extinguished the fire
 but the way it had shot up from nowhere shocked and
frightened him.
 He had heard of Wizards not using wands but that
was for master
 mages wasn't it?

 She seemed but a girl.

 He gave another gesture and shout and returned her
fire with fire.

 Another mistake.

 Fire bloomed from his wand and instead of jetting
toward his opponent it
 blew back and started to envelope him.
 He threw himself to one side to avoid the flames
scattering brush
 and dust and breaking up the half assembled lines
of power.

  All of that didn't matter however when he heard
the frightened
 scream behind him - Hermione shouting out something
he thought he would
 never hear uttered by her.

 *AVADA KEDAVRA* the death curse.

The story was convincing up to this point. Even when
faced with the Death Eaters, Harry and Hermione didn't
resort to any of the Unforgivable curses.

Only when Harry was absolutely angry, did he try to
use one - and it was the Cruciatus Curse. And he
_failed_ at it.
 

  Hiding behind a smouldering stump Harry dared a
glance toward
 his struggling friend and was ill-rewarded for it.

  He cried out as he simultaneously heard and saw
the gun in the
 stranger's hand fire and fire again., and Hermione
fall.

and fire again. And Hermione fall.
Or,
and fire again, and Hermione fall.
 

  At that instant reason left him.

  He heard a terrible cry and never realised it was
coming from him.

  He leapt to his feet and began to cast the death
curse himself
 only to have his wand burst into flames in his
hands.

  He flung the now useless piece of char from his
burnt hands and
 ran at the man screaming.

  Pain tore into him and he fell to his knees.

  He felt curiously weak, as if som evital part of
his self was gone,
 but he continued to crawl forward. Before he closed
his eyes he
 managed to stagger another few feet and take
Hermione's
 outflung hand.

some vital part of 
 

***

  With a hiss the transport chamber closed on the
unconscious form of the
 Witch. As the Factory agents attached it to the
cables of the helicopter
 winch Robin wondered again about them.
 Where had they come from and what had they been
doing? >From some
 English speaking country, from the sound of their
voices and words but
 strange in their dress and use of the Craft. The
man, a boy really, had
 actually possesed a strange lightening shaped scar
on his forehead
 and not just some sort of tattoo. She wondered
which it might have been,
 some type of brand or ritual scarring possibly
related to the Sigil
 rune? She sighed. It seemed that evil knew no
limits either in
 geography or age.

  "What is it?" Amon asked. He stood amongst the
scattering of oddments
 that the Witches had left and had been leafing
through one of the books
 that the fallen Witches had left behind.

  "They seemed so young." Robin said.

  "No younger than yourself." He replied. "And no
less dangerous.."

And no less dangerous."
 

 He held up the ornate ampoule from where it dangled
on the thong about
 his neck.

Um, I think you don't mean 'thong' for this part.
 

 What was normally was full of the Orbo Robin so
disliked now only
 contained a few tiny droplets.

 "Those "youngsters" were deadly, or at least would
have been without
 protection. Look at this. My coat managed to
deflect anything I couldn't
 dodge for her early attacks but her final Spell
drained this as well as
 half the Orbo bullets before I could shoot.
 Why do you think I needed so many shots to put her
down? The rounds were
 only half full."

  Robin shuddered.
 Such power spoke of trained Adepts.
 But where would they get such training?

  "And the books?" She gestured at the volume in
Amon's hand.

 "I don't know." He replied. "The language is
unfamiliar. Not
 English,not Japanese and doesn't look like any
Latin scripts that I
 have seen either."

"I don't know," he replied.

Not English, not Japanes, and it

Um, wouldn't the book be in English?
 

 He held the book for her inspection and she shook
her head at the
 unfamiliar symbols.

  "Anyway." He said. "Not our responsibility. Orders
from Zaizen. We take
 the books to Narita tonight and put them on a
flight to Italy.
 Headquarters will deal with translating them."

"Anyway," he said.
 

 Robin nodded.

  "And Robin." Amon continued as he walked away from
the fire into the
 dark.

  "Yes?"

  "Good job this evening,"

  The flush of heat on Robin's cheeks wasn't
entirely from the fire.



10/30/03 NAS

So, this was a spamfic?

Meh, way too much backstory then for it to be just
something that should be tossed aside as light
reading. The gag doesn't work, because there's too
much story, too many characters, too many events.

You want the reader to laugh at the end. Not wonder
about what happens next. And wonder why certain events
didn't happen.

For instance, why didn't Dumbledore rush in and save
the day, as he seems to have the habit of doing? He's
never let Harry out on his own without having some
idea of his well being, and the certain knowledge that
Harry could do it on his own.

Also, why did Harry and Hermione go through so much
trouble to cast a transportation spell?

There were two other spells that they could've learned
that would've taken a _lot less_ time to cast: they
could've learned how to make a Portkey, or they
could've learned how to Apparate.

And also, wasn't it _only_ Voldemort who could kill
Harry?

And why would books from the Restricted Section allow
themselves to be handled by outsiders?

And....

I'm ranting, aren't I? ^_^;

What is needed, is certain ideas cut out.

Cut out the backstory of Ron being bitten by some rare
monster. This would in turn, bring the level of
darkness in the fic down. And change the story from
one that ends too soon into one that has little value.

It would also reduce the length of the fic. A long
drawn out joke is just that. It needs to be short and
sweet.

Sure, it would destroy the reason for Harry and
Hermione being in Japan, but if it's a gag, then
little reason is needed.

A spell goes wrong, and poof! They're somehow in
Japan, lost and confused.

Then the Witch Hunters happen upon them, and
_everything_ goes down the drain.

(Funny that Hermione would never have heard of the
Witch Hunters though, and how she wouldn't know about
Orbo and....)

....

I need to stop. ^_^;

Anyway, it was a pleasure reading this. Keep writing.

Troy Thomas

=====
Troy Thomas

http://ca.geocities.com/troythomas1/
troythomas1@yahoo.ca

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