Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Brian Randall wrote:
Time is Funny
Disclaimer: As always, the paints belong to Takahashi, I'm merely
borrowing them for my own easel.
Not mocking the paint metaphor. Nope, not at all. What would make you
think I would do that? ;)
Notes: No pre-readers, because it's supposed to be a surprise. This
is a sequel to Plain Okonomiyaki, which you can find here:
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/oneshot/okonomiyaki.html
---------------------------
Time was a funny thing.
Once it got a couple drinks into itself, it was the life of the party.
Any more than that, though, and one would quickly discover, as Sailor
Pluto could attest, that Time is a _mean_ drunk.
"Society's progress," the teacher lectured, his
eyes rising from his notes to sweep the class briefly before returning,
"has been marked, historically by violence, until the latter half of
this century."
I think the comma after marked isn't necessary.
Progress came from turmoil? She supposed that made a certain bit of
sense, but still.... Did that mean that she was wrong to abandon the
path she had? Or had she just wandered from one misleading path to
another without seeing that it was a mistake?
If only- "Kuonji-san!" the teacher snapped, shaking her out of her
reverie. "Since you were paying such close attention, do you have
anything to add?"
Maybe move "If only-" up to the previous paragraph?
Her heart skipped a few nervous beats. Being singled out was always
so embarrassing. "Um, sensei, actually, I had a question," she said.
"Really?" the teacher asked, some of the terseness seeping out of
his voice. "What is your question?" he asked somewhat skeptically.
"What kind of progress is made without conflict?" she asked.
Should 'without' be 'with' here? What follows seems like it would make
more sense that way.
"If you meant what you said, absolutely," he said with conviction.
"I think that's exactly what I want." He smiled slightly, his cheeks
flushing very faintly, and stared at their clasped hands. "Variety may
be the spice of life, but I think I've had too much seasoning. It'd be
nice to have ... a plain okonomiyaki."
Not much to say. (Obviously ;) ) It's a nice, short, sweet story. It
was a pleasure to read, and as always, I continue to look forward to
what you'll do next.