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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: SE004.txt
-- Desc: SE004.txt
NARRATOR: LAST TIME, ON SIDESTEP:EVANGELION, WE SAW THE INTERIOR OF NERV
AND GOT REALLY CONFUSED BY JOHN'S RANTING.... OKAY, I GOT REALLY
CONFUSED. YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, DON'T YOU?
========================================================================
Warning: I need to make a statement here, hence the fancy border. This
story is not your average PG-13 fanfic, nor is it an unreasonably
bizarre action-oriented, authors-take-over-Evangelion fic. It has
become, over time, a full-fledged story with a great deal of depth and a
huge number of interesting characters. Currently, a full nine seasons
(13 episodes each) have been planned and are being written/outlined
diligently by myself. Now, because of this story's characters
(particularly Miko Mido and her extended family), this episode features
a bit of sex, which some people may find offensive. I won't give you a
speech about being open-minded.
To put it bluntly, everything is toned down. Use your imagination if you
want, but this sucker has a plot and the sex is an essential part of
it--not the main attraction.
Warnings: Graphic violence, use of firearms, death and dismemberment
Extreme sexual innuendo, some graphic sex
Implied sex between mystical beings/monster/demons and humans
Casual use of explicit language
Present-tense descriptions can be hard to read
========================================================================
C&C, Flames, Anything, welcome at: rick_spiff@yahoo.com
Posted at Insanity Production's home page:
http://www.geocities.com/rick_spiff/
~ Begin fic ~
[Opening Music is Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' played very loudly. A
montage of shots flash by to the bars of the song, mostly of the
Sidestep cast and various Eva characters dressed in kick-ass clothes and
shooting things out of frame. Splattered here and there among the
characters are various explosions for variety.]
[Music cuts out.]
[EXT. TOKYO-3, NERV SURFACE RECEPTION PLAZA - MORNING.]
[Note: For the most part, this episode is in Japanese.]
[The NERV office plaza is a square-shaped building rotated 45 degrees
relative to the city streets such that each of the four ground-level
corners points down a different street. With the three other corners
rented to local businesses, the actual NERV office only occupies the
corner that directly faces Street F. Street F itself is lined with a
number of other businesses, banks, and stores. It also has several areas
not unlike shortened alleyways, which have vending machines set up along
them.]
[The corner of the main NERV building is made of glass, with the wall
space between the four corners covered in grey granite. The reception
area of the NERV offices is easily visible through the glass front.
Around the building, a square plaza is set up with several benches and a
small amount of parking. The plaza itself is about a meter below street
level, while the building is almost a meter above street level. This
allows room for a partially visible underground parking garage, well
hidden by the mass of the building, and makes the building itself look
even more like a cube.]
[In the open plaza, two characters from the last episode are taking a
little breather before work. Demi is dressed in a sharp-looking paint-
suit, sitting on one of the benches in meditation. Her coworker, who we
never saw in the last episode, is a tall, rail-thing Chinese man named
Stef. He wears a charcoal gray business suit. His three hundred dollar
(30,000 yen) Italian shoes are sitting on the bench next to Demi and
he's working his way through a Gung-Fu kata fluidly.]
[Without warning, the peaceful scene shattered is by a sudden explosion.
A five-story office building, rips itself apart mere blocks from the
NERV plaza, hurling chunks of concrete and glass across the nearly
deserted Street F. The force of the explosion exposes the twisted,
flaming skeleton of the interior. Demi stands bolt upright the sound,
and Stef briefly ducks, then looks around nervously.]
Demi: What in the name of God?
[Then a giant green tentacle snakes out from the heart of the wreckage,
then another, and another. Still hidden by the cloud of dust from the
explosion, an inhuman roar cuts through the lazy morning air like the
crack of a cannon.]
Stef: (looking at the newly-arrived, five-story tall demon) Eeew. I
don't think God had anything to do with _that_.
----------
Title card:
SIDESTEP:EVANGELION
Episode 4: Two of One Heart/
Try, Try Again
----------
[EXT. CHARRED REMAINS OF DESTROYED BUILDING - MORNING.]
[The beast is a tentacle monster, pure and simple. Nothing but big green
tentacles are visible, though it appears that there might be a solid
body at the center of the mass. One of the larger tentacles establishes
its power and durability by smashing a car parked on the street into a
pancake of plastic and metal.]
Demi: God may not have created that fucking beast, but we'd better deal
with it. And what's that?
Stef: (pauses) What is it what?
[Just then, a screaming woman running from the mess trips on a chunk of
concrete outside of the gutted building. The monster partially ignores
the other frightened survivors as it partakes in a little 'recreational
activity' involving the woman...]
Demi: (ever so slightly pale) That....
Stef: (eyebrow raised) I see.
[The odd couple look at each other, screams and moans undulate for a few
seconds, intermingled. Tentacles big enough to snap an 18-wheeler writhe
in the air. Finally, the pair reaches a silent agreement. Demi grabs
Stef's shoes and hands them to the man. Stef carefully puts them on, and
the two bolt for the safety of their office.]
[INT. NERV RECEPTION AREA, MORNING.]
Demi: (Panic Mode) Hit the alarms!
Stef: (pounding a big red button behind the receptionist's counter) I'm
on it!
Demi: (looking through the glass front of the room) NOOOO!!! It's going
for the Quick-E-Mart down the road!
Stef: (suddenly by Demi's side with two huge guns) We must stop the
evil!
[Demi grabs one of the weapons and both watch as a small red BMW comes
around the corner next to the monster. The two make it to the front
doors, stop to check their weapons, then look up to see the car embed
itself into the monster with a wet 'PLOP!' Strangely, this BMW is
equipped with an ejection system, which hurls the driver out of danger
with a bang. Demi and Stef are suddenly sporting sweat-drops.]
Demi: What the...
Stef: ... hell?
[James, the driver of the car, clambers to his feet and tosses away the
driver's seat, cursing all the while. He pauses to adjust his trench
coat, then glares at the monster as it devours the BMW whole.]
James: You MOTHER-FUCKER!
[It pauses as if it can understand the assassin, prompting James to pull
out a pair of Desert Eagles and try to put it down. An amount of damage
most people would call 'insignificant' is done to the monster. James
bolts for the alleyway across the street, then watches with curiosity as
the monster chooses to ignore him and and go back to its 'play.']
[Out comes the cell phone.]
James: (into the phone) Ed? Hello? I need some munitions here! ... No, I
need them right now! ... what was in the car? It ATE the fucking car!
... Something bigger than that... Hell yes! Like a tank!
[He slaps the phone closed and pulls a flamethrower from his coat with a
flourish. Demi and Stef step into the alley.]
Stef: Oi! James!
James: Huh? Oh, you guys. (takes in the white collar clothes) Not
exactly dressed for an afternoon of monster extermination, I see.
[Upon getting a closer look at James, a blush clouds Demi's features and
we can see she goes into a mushy internal dialogue by the way she balls
her hands into little fists and holds them under her chin while gazing
into James' eyes lovingly. Predictably, James doesn't seem to notice
even thought Stef coughs pointedly into his hand.]
Stef: (offering) Er, we're kinda new at these things.
James: No problem, I understand. You two can fire those things, right?
Stef: Yeah.
James: Good, get behind cover. (points down the street) Down there. I've
got backup on the way. If you can, help give some first aid. Only shoot
if it comes after you. And please, please don't shoot me by accident.
Demi: (suddenly snaps out of her internal monologue) Of course not,
James-sama!
[The men go silent. Demi grows a sweat-drop, looking sheepish to the
point of super-deformed.]
Demi: (insistent) Well, I won't!
James: Riiight. Just take cover so we can kick this thing's ass and be
home in time for corn flakes.
Stef: Corn flakes?
Demi: Anno... isn't that line from a movie?
James: Corn flakes are good, nummy goodness. And no, that's not from a
movie, Demi, it's--
[An inhuman cry rents the air, followed closely by a nauseating `splat.'
Not unlike a gallon of Jello dropped on concrete, go sprays over our
heroes.]
Stef: Don't say it. Demi, let's move.
[Demi turns to James, her gun held under one arm. Sparkles of of light
in soft colors and fields of flowers fill her version, with a handsome-
vision (tm) James in the middle of all of it, smiling lovingly.]
Demi: For you, James, anything...
[The romantic music swells for a moment, then a bloody, severed human
arm flies through the space between them and makes another splat.
Reality returns with a vengeance. James is looking at Demi like she's
been muttering "Kill them all... yes my precious..." or something
similar, the whole time. Stef takes her gently by the arm as another
wave of goo lands on James.]
James: (nods to himself; satisfied) Nice girl.
[The assassin peaks out from his cover to see the monster really getting
it on with the women. Some of them are looking the worse off for it. The
human body just is not designed to stand up to the less-than-gentle
actions of a monster with the mass of a medium-sized building.]
James: (shouting to the beast, in English) All right, you bastard, let's
get it on!
[James charges the monster, flamethrower at the ready. Casually, a
tentacle flips over a parked car directly in front of James. The
assassin just barely jumps to the side of it where a massive tentacle,
over eight feet across, hits him like a baseball bat taking down a
kitten. The blow sends James flying, his trench coat flapping around
him. The glass store-front to a furniture store takes the brunt of his
impact, as a spider-web of cracks are left behind. James lands on his
feet, blood streaming from his nose. He steadies himself and glares at
the monster.]
James: (shaky) That... almost hurt.
[James goes for another weapon, preparing to draw and quarter the beast,
when a battle cry rings out from above. Miko leaps from the roof the
furniture store, tumbles a few times in mid air (fanservice! fanservice!
fanservice!), and lands lightly on one of the monster's many tentacles.]
James: (muttering to himself in English) Oh, she really is shaven down
there.
[He pulls out his gun of choice, something large and very anti-social.
The tentacle-monster is ignoring him in favor of getting a few limbs
hacked off by Miko. Demi and Stef finally open up with some cover fire,
leaving James a clear shot. He hoists the gun to his shoulder, preparing
to fire it like a missile launcher.]
James: Take this!
[James pulls the trigger. Once the first round is a foot from the
barrel, time stops. The muzzle flash hangs in the air; a cloud of
glowing sparks frozen in time. The camera zooms in on the side of the
gun, until the printing on the barrel is legible:
K-112: 120mm ANTI-PERSONNEL FLACHETTE LAUNCHER - SN# 113290-14
The camera pulls back and time snaps back to normal. The flachette
blasts finally makes the dent James wants; a hole the size of a beer keg
opening in one of the monster's tentacles.]
[This does not prevent James from getting hit by the tentacle again.]
[After a few seconds of thrashing and losing a few limbs, the tentacles
overcome Miko and pin her down near the center of the monster. James is
going through his arsenal at break-neck speed, looking for a sword. With
hundreds of different knives at his feet, the quest looks fruitless.
Then Miko starts screaming at the top of her lungs.]
James: (face bruised, bleeding from numerous cuts) That does it! You're
DEAD!
[James pulls out an abnormal shotgun. Abnormal in the sense that most
shotguns are not belt fed, where as this one has a belt of ammo coming
directly from James' coat. He fires to get the beast's attention. The
monster whips a tentacle in his direction, which the assassin dodges
with practiced ease. He begins sprinting in front of the monster, firing
a barrage of 12-gauge slugs at the beast.]
James: YAAAAAHHHHH!!!
[James leaps into the air and clicks his heels together, letting rows of
two-inch-long spikes sprout from the soles of his shoes. Landing on one
of the tentacles, he runs towards the center of the monster. What
follows is a mid-air ballet of violence as James dives, jumps, dashes,
and rolls amongst the tentacles, blasting everything green, slimy, and
evil that gets within range while Demi and Stef cover him with expertly
handled firepower.]
[After several minutes of this, Miko's intermittent wails reach a
crescendo. James turns his path from holding off to really attacking and
blazes toward the heart of the tentacles. The shotgun is tossed away,
empty, and a pair of knives appear in James' hands. Jumping from one
swinging appendage to another, James finally spies Miko, near the center
of the tentacle monster. It has a spheroid body, partially embedded in
the ground. James dodges a strike heading for his face and runs up a
tentacle that will take him right to Miko.]
[A look around him reveals that most of the monster's other victims have
been all but forgotten. A nest of small tentacles are wrapped around
Miko, several focused on her breasts and two oddly colored ones lodged
firmly between her legs. The girl is completely naked and her face is
twisted by pleasure and blushed with exertion. James, razor-sharp blades
in hands, is descending upon the mess like a vengeful demon, legs cocked
back to deliver the mother of all flying kicks. Just before he reaches
Miko, the girl lets out a final scream and the demon's body loses its
texture. By the time James is nearing Miko, it has stopped moving of its
own volition and appears to be made of green-tinted water. James grabs
Miko by the waist and passes right into the body of the beast as it
falls to the ground, now completely turned to liquid. The assassin uses
his free hand to slam the knife into the lone concrete wall that is
still standing, and slides slowly to the ground with his cargo.]
Stef: It's down!
Demi: James-sama!
[As Demi and Stef make their way towards James, two small tanks come
around the corner an onto Street F. They stop just short of the debris
scattered about the street. An Armored Personnel Carrier (APC) is right
behind the tanks. Troops in NERV uniforms quickly come out of the
vehicle and start gathering up the civilians spread about the area.]
[James finally comes to his feet. He looks like he just went ten rounds
with a wheat combine, and glares disgustedly at the pools of green slime
around him, including the one he is standing in. Naked as the day she
was born, Miko Mido is clinging to him like a Amazon leech.]
Demi: James-sama!
[Demi runs into the mess, picking her way around blocks of concrete the
size of cattle. A hatch opens on one of the small, futurist-looking
tanks.]
James: (waving to the NERV uniforms) I'm okay!
Ed: (from the top of his tank) What did we miss?
[James is slowly working his way out of the trashed ground floor of the
building. The second tank pops its hatch, and Kat comes up, surveying
the destruction. Her and Ed are each wearing a heavy red-colored jacket
with a high collar. Kat is also wearing a transparent visor that hovers
in front of her eyes, connected to two grey boxes near her ears. Ed has
a similar unit around his neck, the visor portion dim.]
Demi: (thinking) That.... BITCH! Flaunting herself all over my darling!
And half-naked, too!
Stef: Demi? Earth to Demi! Are you okay?
Ed: (In English) It looks like we missed all of the fun, James.
[James is paying more attention to the content face of Miko as she tries
to imprint the reverse-image of her nipples into his Coat.]
James: (holds up one finger) Just a second. (to Miko; apologetic) Look,
I do enjoy having you writhe nakedly all over me, especially with all
the slime and stuff, but this really isn't the time. And the Coat is
going to wrinkle horribly if I don't get it cleaned in a hurry. (to Ed)
Are we getting a clean-up crew?
Ed: These guys, (points to the NERV personnel from the APC) and Dave is
sending some reinforcements. They'll be here in about two minutes. For
the last time, what _was_ that thing?
James: Miko?
Miko: Mmm... James...
James: Miko!
Miko: Hmm?
James: Please tell me that wasn't a--
Miko: Shikima, unnatural magical manifestation. I need to talk to a few
people.
James: (to Ed) Sex demon.
Ed: (flat look) Really.
James: Well, what do you think it was?
Ed: Looks like a bunch of slime to me.
James: (in English) "Egon, I've been slimed!"
Kat: You'll have to do better than that, James.
[James quits trying to pull Miko off with his hands; with the slime,
Miko is just too slick to get a good purchase on. Somehow, she can hold
onto him just fine. He twists his torso and swings his arms around for a
bit, trying to dislodge the girl. Behind him, a blue glow is forming.]
Ed: (points at Miko) You... ah, need a crowbar for that?
James: (reaches into his Coat) I've got one in here somewhere.
Kat: (points) James, behind you.
James: Huh?
[Stef has taken cover. The NERV people have backed off as the ambulances
arrive. Kat and Ed close up their tanks and leave post haste as James
turns around...]
Demi: (glowing) ...
James: Oh, Demi. Is there something wrong?
[Fade to black. After a few seconds, we can hear someone getting beaten
on severely.]
[INT. TEMPORARY OFFICE IN NERV - DAY.]
[Dave has managed to take over this slice of NERV and is keeping himself
busy doing lots of paperwork. Digital paperwork, that is, across five
separate computers. The office itself is small and almost a mess. "Busy"
is the word most people would use to describe it.]
[As the doorknob turns...]
Dave: (shouting to the unseen figure, in Japanese) Don't track that in
here!
[But James does so anyway.]
James: (English) Hey, what's up.
[From here on, the conversation is in English.]
Dave: Fuck you. Why did you have to go and do that? My day was going
nicely until you showed up.
James: Hmm... I suppose 'watching giant evil monster kill people and try
to turn your best friend inside-out' can fit into the 'nicely' category.
Y'know. Anything's possible.
Dave: Oh please. And you're making a mess.
James: The floor's concrete, you can mop up.
Dave: I'd rather not.
James: Suit yourself, I'm the one wearing this stuff.
Dave: That begs the question: Why didn't you wash up?
James: I'll get around to it. What is this stuff?
Dave: You came here to ask me about random stuff?
James: (grins) Best to go to the source.
Dave: Please don't smoke in here. Ahem. Well, it goes like this. We
caught the thing on our video monitors--very wise of the city architects
to install cameras all over the place--and as near as we can tell, all
that junk left over is ectoplasm. I figure, naturally, that you hadn't
changed because it was all warm.
[As those are the magical words, James prepares to comment that actually
it _is_ getting kind of cold when he changes into a she right on the
spot.]
James: (wondering look) I really have been slimed.
[James pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights up, drawing a glare
from Dave.]
James: You want one?
Dave: I would prefer not to get ash all over my equipment.
[James pulls an ashtray out of her coat and tips her ashes into it.]
Dave: That's better. So, the creature held itself together, but only for
a limited period of time. You've been catching and killing ghosts for a
while now, you should know where this is going. (watches as James figets
for a secon) This stuff is mostly water with various organic chemicals--
something like what humans are made of, but without microscopic
biological mechanisms, or even differentiated cells.
James: The short explanation?
Dave: When it died, it just dissolved into a mix of water not unlike the
primordial oceans of ancient earth.
James: Bizarre. How does something just loose total cohesion like that?
Dave: Low concentration of cohesive chemicals. Complete death of
whatever life form controlled that physical body.
James: (finishes her cigarette) Right. Right. Very unusual. You said it
was mostly water.
Dave: Nothing on the tests to suggest dangerous chemicals, no
radioactivity, et cetera. Perfectly clean.
James: No danger to the populace, then?
Dave: Just clean it up and disinfect your clothes.
James: (nervous) So how did it get here?
Dave: Excuse me?
James: There's thousands of gallons of that stuff all over the street,
it's in my _clothes_, it destroyed a building. It didn't just come from
nowhere, Dave.
Dave: Of course not. I've got a theory...
James: ...
Dave: (taps some keys) ...
James: This is when you say "the bad news is..."
Dave: (turns thoughtful) No, I've got to thinking after what Miko said
at our dinner meeting.
[James chews on her lower lip for a second.]
Dave: While you were taking a vacation...
[James coughs lightly, sounding suspiciously like "bullshit!"]
Dave: (continuing) ... I did some research in addition to my duties of
setting you characters up with a place to work.
James: (quickly) Speaking of which, when do we get offices?
Dave: Logistics come last, James. Don't worry about it.
James: You have an office.
Dave: This _is_ Branch-X, James. Be thankful this conversation is not
taking place in the back of a truck. Now, as I was saying, I did some
research and started tying together a list of legends and myths that we
cannot say are certainly just hallucinations. What I've found is another
Occurence. The manifestation was made of ectoplasam. I'm not sure where
it exactly came from, but it's some kind of lead.
James: (back to chewing on her lip) Miko said something about it being
unnatural.
Dave: All I can say it, we don't know enough about it yet.
James: Which means we have a new classification on our hands.
Dave: (nods) We'd best study what we can. Since Miko--
James: That thing killed five people today, Dave. Just what are we going
to do about it?
Dave: You're asking if there's more?
[James nods.]
Dave: I figure there's an entire sub-dimension of these things, James. I
don't want you to try killing them all.
[James desparately entertains the thought for a moment, making his--err,
her--her current body look almost feral and very bloodthirsty.]
Dave: ... And what Miko did looked pretty effective.
James: Yeah, but she's home sleeping right now. That takes a lot out of
her. (hopeful) How else can we kill something like that?
Dave: I've hired a huge team of experts, but most of them aren't even
here yet. My best advice is extermination. I keep forgetting to ask
this, too, but what about the airport?
James: Different type, similar origin. (scratches the back of her head)
You understand, I wasn't in a stable frame of mind... heh heh... (under
her breath) Not that I'm in one at the moment, mind you.
Dave: Change of subject. You remember Naoko's daughter, from Gehirn?
James: (snaps back to normal) Gangly kid, about sixteen? Kind of
tomboyish, bleached her hair? Real smart but snippy? Yeah.
Dave: That was before Gehirn, James. She's twenty now. Getting out of
college soon. Wants to work here.
James: (smiles) ...
Dave: Down James!
[James stands, preparing to leave.]
James: (excessive sarcasm) Anything else of earth-shaking consequence you
need to tell me, O High Leader of us incompetent, witless munchkins?
Dave: Yes. Since Miko seems to like you, I want you to pump her for
information. From how she behaves, you might as well twist those words
however you wish.
[James smiles wickedly.]
James: Oh... I'll pump her all right.
[Dave ignores the faux paux that James' current body lays on that
comment, though Miko probably wouldn't mind.]
Dave: And one more thing. Why were you driving my M7?
James: (deer-in-headlights mode) Oh... that... hehe... Well, there's an
interesting story about that.
Dave: (icy) Do tell.
James: It was the only thing I could get to. NERV has no parking space
for my car!
Dave: That's because Branch-X doesn't have a parking lot yet.
James: Well, get one!
Dave: We have to hollow out the Bat-Cave, first, girl in tights.
James: (almost barks out a retort) ... (looks at herself) ... Well,
big-hootered whores, Bat-Commander, you're just full of inspiring and
witty comments today!
Dave: Not after losing two buildings and five civilians on my watch. Now
go wash up, James, before you frighten the men. And the women.
[James attempts to slam the automated door. The effect is lost, but the
intent is clear.]
Dave: What the hell's gotten into him?
[INT. GROCERY STORE - DAY.]
[A hall of foodstuffs for the hungry Japanese workaholic/housewife, a
haven away from home, stocked floor-to-ceiling in all that nummy good
stuff that keeps us a live and well...]
[Which one John Barker and one Trishka Bolverez are staring at fear-
fully as they take turns pushing a cart around the isles, looking for
some good food with plenty of calories. John is dressed in the same
T-shirt and dirty jeans from Episode 3, with the addition of a custom-
fitting black leather trench coat. His sunglasses hang out of a pocket
on his chest and his hair has been cut back.]
[Trishka Bolverez is the woman we say Trey walking with in Episode 3.
She's quite tall, much taller than John, and wears her black hair in a
short, messy pony tail. Wearing a white lab coat over a set of worn
coveralls, she's not the image of beauty, but her stature and looks are
still... exotic. Both John and Trishka look like they've been lifting
lots of dirty, heavy boxes, with smudges of dirt and grease all over
their clothing, and various cuts and scrapes on their hands. They wander
semi-aimlessly, speaking in Japanese, as the camera follows them around
the store.]
John: People eat this stuff?
Trishka: Oooh! Pocky!
[She grabs a massive container of the candy and holds it in front of
John like a game show model.]
John: (adjusts an imaginary pair of glasses) Ah, pocky. Great for a
snack or two, but we have to move five thousand and some-odd pounds of
equipment tomorrow.
Trishka: (cheesy accent) Is good food, you blotnik!
John: Heh heh. Well, I can give it a try.
[She tears open the container and offers John a piece. John bows his
thanks but takes a piece directly from the container. Trishka shrugs and
the two smile in unison as they bite into the candy at the same time.]
John: Okay, now you have to try sushi.
Trishka: I have. Didn't much care for it.
[The can of pocky goes into the cart. They resume their walk down the
isle at a leisurely pace.]
John: Is there something wrong with you? Chemical imbalance? Don't look
at me like that. There are so many varieties of sushi that anyone can
like it.
Trishka: (crosses her arms) Oh, really?
John: (taking control of the cart) Yeah. What kind of foods do you like?
Trishka: Do I have to answer this?
John: I'm trying to help you live in Japan. Some things are hard to
grasp in this country, but Sushi.... ah. Sushi for everyone is my
motto.
Trishka: Sushi for everyone. Is that a political slogan you've been
working on?
John: No, but it sounds good. Now answer the question.
Trishka: Let's say I don't like seafood.
John: Okay, not detrimental, but a challenge. What do you like?
Trishka: Sweet and smooth.... Maybe a little crunch.
John: Taco crunch or celery crunch?
Trishka: Taco.
John: Like the spice?
Trishka: I can take it.
John: Gin or whisky?
Trishka: Whisky. Gin's too tart.
John: Oh, a girl who likes her sweets, huh? All right, let me think.
Trishka: (points) How about these rice crackers?
John: Sure. (he watches the crackers go into the cart) Do you have
anything against seaweed?
Trishka: That gross green stuff? Yuck!
John: I'll take that as a `maybe.'
Trishka: That's not a maybe, Vashka, that's a `no.'
John: When have you had seaweed?
Trishka: On sushi!
John: (suspicious) I would like to see this sushi...
Trishka: Sushi isn't soo deep that one piece had the taste equivalent of
a silver bullet to take me down.
John: Now I know you're from Russia.
Trishka: I'm saying it's the idea of sushi in general.
John: Give me your version of sushi while I work on my ingredients list.
Trishka: Sushi is a simple, soulless food. It's rice and seaweed--which
is basically nature's trash to keep her beaches free of people--and
whatever the chef decided to scoop off the floor the day before.
John: (slightly faint) That has got to be the worst foreign food
dressing-down I have ever heard.
Trishka: Well, the little scrawny wet rice cakes had it coming!
John: Do you care for caviar?
Trishka: Too salty. Ick.
John: Are you allergic or just picky?
Trishka: Hmm... good question. I'm not allergic to anything, but a woman
_is_ picky.
John: Well, you're definitely a woman.
Trishka: Are you trying to pick a fight, or are you just hiting on me?
John: I'm trying to get all the facts and keep my focus here, Trishka.
Let me think for a moment.
Trishka: Da. You do that and I'll keep an eye out for fire
extinguishers.
John: You haven't, by chance, met a guy named James, have you?
Trishka: Heard of him, Vashka. He trouble?
John: Hah! Like a neutron bomb in a maternity ward.
[Trishka stops in her tracks. John also stops, after a few steps, and
turns to face her.]
John: What?
Trishka: That is the worst analogy I've ever heard! Surely he can't be
that bad!
John: That analogy doesn't come close. And don't call me Shirley.
Trishka: You people are a bunch of murdering psychos, you know that?
John: This may be hard to swallow, Trishka, but after what you just
heard, that is the best attitude anyone's ever had about us.
Trishka: (begins walking) When your parents had to deal with the KGB,
the rest of the world isn't so bad.
John: I know it's in poor taste to ask a woman's age, but you have a
double doctorate and head up the most plush division in all of NERV.
Just how old are you?
Trishka: Old enough to know better, too young to quit.
[John stops walking.]
John: Damn, that was good. I should write it down.
Trishka: (turning down the next isle) Coming, Vashka?
John: (speeding up) Sure. (draws up alongside the scientist) Okay, I
think I got it.
Trishka: Got what?
John: The ingredients for "Trishka Bolverez Sushi."
Trishka: You came up with that yourself?
John: (modestly) I am a man of many talents.
Trishka: (skeptical) Hmm...
John: So, wanna try it?
[Trishka freezes, her green eyes taking in John as if seeing him for the
first time. For a moment, a look of fear flitters in her eyes.]
Trishka: Now?
John: There's a place upstairs. I know the owner.
Trishka: (stalling) Uh... I'd really rather not. Not after talking about
all those icky things.
John: (reassuring grin) Trust me, it's worth a taste. Just let the
master guide your path...
[Trishka looks at him again, measuring the man with her gaze. At length,
she nods, and the two get back to serious grocery shopping.]
Female Shopper #1: Can you believe what happened in the commercial
district today?
Female Shopper #2: With that weird apparition? Yeah, crazy.
F.S. #1: My husband says that with a bunch of crazy stuff like that
happening, we should move away.
[The two woman wander out of distance, leaving Trishka staring at John,
who is slowly going from low chuckle, to insane giggle, to the final
egomaniacal "my plan is a success!" laughter.]
John: Eh he he he he! Ha ha ha ha! WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[INT. UNFURNISHED TOKYO-3 APARTMENT - DAY.]
James: (narration, English) This is my apartment.
[Indeed. Though empty save for the cardboard boxes full of life's bare
necessities, a laptop computer, and a bed, it is an apartment. And as
James has the key to it and the boxes have his name written on them, it
does appear to be his.]
James: (narration) I've never seen this place before.
[He goes to the balcony with a nice view of the next-to-his-apartment
all-girl college.]
James: (narration; he grins) ... But I like it.
[He leaves the window, strips off his coat (this one is dry, but it also
features several long gashes in the material), and tries to get a beer
from the `fridge.]
James: (looking into the empty `fridge) Well, I guess the first thing I
have to do is go shopping.
[He pulls a spare beer from his coat, cold and smooth, and opens it up.
The bed, currently folded into a couch, beckons.]
James: Damn. Tentacle demon this morning...
[Flash of the huge monster from the beginning of this episode.]
James: That dumb-ass at lunchtime...
[Flash of another sex demon. This one is about four meters tall and has
five penises instead of the standard one. It also has three eyes and red
skin, but hey, who's really paying attention to those things?]
James: I might have to get into some bar fights if things don't liven up
around here...
[There is a muffled crashing noise from outside, followed by the muffled
sound of a great many young girls screaming in abject terror.]
James: (puts his hands behind his head) Ahh... that's better.
[Beat.]
James: (jumps to his feet) Wait a minute! I can get beer now!
[Another muffled crashing noise.]
James: (yelling) Keep it down!
[A brick flies through his glass balcony doors.]
James: That's it.
[He quickly retrieves a katana, a Glock pistol, and a length of piano
wire from his coat, then stalks to the window.]
James: Holy shit!
[Outside he sees a pair of blue-skinned demons chasing around the
students with phallic body parts waving in the air.]
James: This is like a B-grade porno... almost. I am strangely torn
between the urge to get a camera and the urge to join in.... Yet, I must
defend Tokyo-3 from this evil!
[EXT. TOKYO-3 ALL-GIRL'S COLLEGE SCHOOL YARD - EVENING.]
[He leaps from the balcony of his third-floor apartment, landing on the
ground with ease and without injury. The sword is quickly unsheathed and
brandished before him.]
James: And I _need_ to find out how these guys are getting into earth.
[The battle is quickly joined. With his sword and a little extra
experience fighting the otherworldly denizens Miko has identified as
`Shikima,' James makes quick work of the first demon through means of
slicing it into approximately 500 bite-sized chunks in a flurry of Kendo
moves. In seconds, he stands over a puddle of blue goo.]
James: (pointing at the remaining demon and shouting in Japanese)
Everyone but that blue asshole, RUN FOR IT!
Blue Demon: (also in Japanese) Hey! Do you have any idea how fucking
long I've been waiting for a taste of good young pussy, mortal?
[Unblinking, James attacks directly, leaping at the remaining bad guy
and aiming to cleave him neatly in two from his curly black eyebrows to
his gangly, knobbed, eighteen-inch-long feet. Yes, feet. James would not
bother with castration unless he was really pissed off.]
Demon: (grabs James' sword in mid-strike) Hey pal, why don't you take a
long walk off a tall building, okay? It's been awhile, and if you keep
this up, I might get frustrated.
James: (still holding onto his blade) Tough luck.
[The demon strikes before James can muster a defense, and sends the
assassin hurling into the closest stone wall. The stone cracks at James'
impact, but does not give in. Neither does James. Barely standing, James
pulls out the Glock, then tosses it aside.]
James: That. Hurt.
Demon: Hmm... not dead yet.
[The demon easily snaps the sword in two, then sends a tentacle out for
a passing student. James is on the demon like a fly on shit but an
eyeblink later. Despite having half the limbs of his opponents, James is
able to hold his own with a combination of super speed and sheer ability
to take punishment without flinching. However, the fight is still
tragically one-sided and after a few moments, James is pinned to the
ground and getting the stuffing beaten out of him.]
James: (through the blood slowly filling his mouth) Do we have some
stress to work out, blue-boy?
[Another fist hits James in the face. James retorts with a rough knee to
the demon's groin, but the blow has no effect...]
Demon: Hah! You think that hur--
[... except to give James enough leverage for a powerful head-butt to
the demon. It stumbles back, and then rears up to it's full height,
easily several feet beyond James' reach. The assassin plants a hand on
the ground, and with a smirk, executes an inverted kick to give him some
distance. The demon stumbles back, barely catching itself. James flips
back to his feet, spits out some blood, and after rubbing his hands
together, assumes a kung-fu fighting stance with his hands spread wide.]
Demon: You just don't fucking DIE when you're supposed to, you limp-
dicked little FUCK!
James: (cocky) I get that a lot.
[The demon keeps its distance this time, using its tentacles to ensnare
James. This time the assassin stands his ground and weaves his hands in
circles around the approaching phallic appendages, and when he draws his
arms out again, we can see the piano wire has been wrapped around the
tentacles. With a solid jerk, he severs the lot of them.]
Demon: YEEEAAAARRRRGGG!!! You actually hurt me! You fucking cock sucker!
You miserable pile of mortal shit! I shall cut yo--
[James charges at the demon, partially hidden by its retracting tenta-
cles. Once he's in range, no words are wasted. A single punch with all
his weight behind it sends the demon _through_ the nearest stone wall.]
James: Nothing personal, buddy, but I've got a job to do.
[James again weaves his hands in strange patterns, readying something
really nasty. We're still waiting for this really nasty thing to happen
when Miko lands on his head in full fighting gear.]
Miko: AAAHHH! Damn these landings!
James: (muffled by Miko's muff) Mmmfflrrgh!
Miko: Huh???
[Miko pulls herself off of James, to reveal the assassin giving her a
mild glare.]
James: We've GOT to stop meeting like this.
Miko: Well excuse me for saving your sorry, but well-built, ass.
James: (blinks) Uh, yeah, thanks. What is it with you and high places?
Miko: (defensively) I didn't plan this entrance.
James: Surprise, surprise. (points) You know he's not dead yet.
Demon: Excellent observation, mortal. I was having a grand old time
greasing up some young pussy until YOU got here!
James: Oh, go fuck yourself. You look more than capable of it.
Demon: You're a thousand years too young to defeat me, mortal.
James: And you're a hundred times too nice to kill me.
Miko: James, let me handle him.
James: Huh? Well, it's not that I haven't enjoyed the fight, but go
right ahead and kick his ass.
[Miko nods, then advances on the demon with a smirk.]
Miko: You're going down, asshole.
Demon: Ah, my dear sexy thing, it is _you_ who will be going down...
[Yep, the tentacles again.]
Demon: ... On ME!
[James shakes his head sadly as the scene unfolds before him. Miko fends
off the tentacles with a short sword, hacking away at them. However, she
has only a fraction of James' skill and is caught by the third one.]
Demon: Hah! No panties! You make this too easy, little one!
Miko: (squirming, the expected happens) Oh! Not there!
James: Fuck this...
[The demon looks at James, another bad pun on his lips, when he sees the
look in James' eyes. The assassin hasn't changed; still beaten and
bloody, worn out from a day of fighting and looking all of his thirty-
five years. What is different is the man's eyes. Deep and evil, sucking
in hate and spitting out fear, his eyes are home to the heart-stopping
glare of a killer.]
[The demon has only enough time to cop one more feel from a moaning Miko
before James unleashes Hell upon him. James attacks like a rush of wind,
and an instant later, he is past the demon, his hands extended in the
end of a powerful technique, fingers spread out like knives. Behind him,
the demon comes apart in ribbons, then dissolves into blue goo just like
the first one of the day did. Miko lands on her butt in the middle of
the mess.]
James: Feh.
Miko: You... you... IDIOT!!!
James: Huh?
[SLAP!]
James: What was _that_ for?!
Miko: I wasn't done yet! I'm horny as hell now and no-one's here to get
me off!
James: Well, sor-ree! Jeeze, girls around here...
[Wheels grind in James' head.]
James: `Horny as hell,' huh?
Miko: (rubbing her own breast, one hand ready to reach up her skirt)
Yeah... huhnn?
[James scoops Miko up in his arms and dashes for the fire escape on the
side of his building. Sirens alight in the distance as NERV closes in on
the battlefield. James makes it back inside his apartment post-haste and
locks the doors.]
[A few minutes later....]
Miko: Oh, Jaaames... Ungh! Yeah, right there!
[Splash.]
Female Voice: My beer! Damn it!
Miko: Ah! Breasts! And a tail?!? Hmm...
Female Voice: Ah, Miko-- don't! Oooh, yeah... Miko...
[Ahem!]
[Fade out.]
[Cue Metallica's "Better Than You" faintly in the background as the
narrator's deep, booming voice speaks over the scenes.]
NARRATOR: NEXT TIME, ON SIDESTEP:EVANGELION!
[Blank screen.]
NARRATOR: Eh, hello?
NARRATOR: WELL, THE AUTHOR SEEMS QUITE TIRED FROM THIS LAST EXCURSION
INTO FICTION. UNDERSTANDABLE. NO DOUBT, THE NEXT EPISODE WILL CONTAIN
SOMETHING AKIN TO A PLOT, AND MY EVEN FEATURE A FEW CHARACTERS WITH MORE
THAN ONE DIMENSION! STAY TUNED!!!
[Ending credits:]
Ranting, Sidestep, lots of other stuff:
Jared Waddell, HQ
Consulting:
Insanity Productions Staff
Remarks:
John Genoni, Pullman Branch
Andy Mucha, Kennewick Bunker
Miko Mido, the Shikima, and Those With Tentacles are from 'La Blue
Girl.'
Tokyo-3 and all things and characters present regarding Eva are from
Neon Genesis: Evangelion.
No copyright infringement is intended. This work is copyrighted but
non-profit.
All other characters, unless noted, are copyright Insanity Productions.
Original characters created by Insanity Productions may be used in freely
in other non-profit works.
Special effects provided by Insanity Productions Technical Department.
And thank you, the reader, for reading.
----------
revisions: Numerous minor grammatical errors, dialogue clean up. Scene
descriptions revised for readability.
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