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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: SE005.txt
-- Desc: SE005.txt

NARRATOR: LAST TIME, ON SIDESTEP:EVANGELION, THERE WAS SOME SHOWING OF
FLESH AND SOME SHOWING OF FORCE. THE ONLY QUESTION REMAINING IS, WHICH
WAS WHICH?

========================================================================

Warnings: Plot, interesting things happening
	  Graphic violence, use of firearms, death and dismemberment
	  Extreme sexual innuendo, some graphic sex
	  Implied sex between mystical beings/monster/demons and humans
	  Casual use of explicit language
	  Present-tense descriptions

========================================================================

C&C, Flames, Anything, welcome at: rick_spiff@yahoo.com

Posted at Insanity Production's home page:
        http://www.geocities.com/rick_spiff/





~ Begin fic ~

[Opening Music is Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' played very loudly. A
montage of shots flash by to the bars of the song, mostly of the
Sidestep cast and various Eva characters dressed in kick-ass clothes and
shooting things out of frame. Splattered here and there among the
characters are various explosions for variety.]

[Music cuts out.]



[INT. JAMES' APARTMENT - LATE MORNING.]

[The moderately furnished, still sterile confines of James' apartment
look like the aftermath of a small armed invasion. The walls remain
un-marked, but the patio glass is completely gone and enough clothing
for three people are scattered about the apartment. A row of empty beer
cans are perched on a spare kitchen shelf, and the couch looks like it
was disassembled by a bulldozer. A trail of undergarments leads to the
larger of the apartment's two bedrooms, which is also the starting point
of a ferocious snoring noise. Miko slowly exits the room, walking
quietly backwards. The person sleeping on the bed ignores her departure,
continuing the saw wood uninterrupted.]

[Miko, dressed in her birthday suit, looks at the floor through bleary
eyes, her bare chest bouncing free as she sways on her feet and swoops
down several times to grab various pieces of clothing from the floor.
Not all attempts are successful the first time, but after a few tries
she holds a pair of white cotton panties and a blue bra in her hands.
Next she stumbles into the bathroom, yawning hugely.]

[Within the bathroom, Miko examines, then discards her underclothes, and
grabs a brand new terry-cloth robe from near the shower. At that moment,
the phone rings.]

Miko: Eh?

[Miko tightens the belt on her newly appropriated morning wear and
stalks out of the bathroom to hunt down the phone. In the living room,
she finds a cord-less phone built into the wall.]

Miko: (into phone, Japanese) Moshi moshi?

[Note: Yes, that's "hello" in Japanese, when answering the phone.]

Dave: (from phone, in English) Hello? (switches to Japanese) Oh, you
stayed the night, correct?

Miko: (crossly) Who is this?

Dave: This is Dave, my dear. I had hoped this week would turn out
better, but it seems I must speak with James for a few minutes.

[Miko blinks.]

Miko: Umm... he's asleep.

Dave: (firmly) Wake him.

Miko: Okay. Hold on a minute.

Dave: (saccharine voice) Certainly.

[Miko, cord-less phone in hand, walks back to the bedroom. Since we can
see down the hall but not into said bedroom, we only hear what goes on
inside.]

Miko: James.

James: ZZZzzz--Snnnkk--zzzzzZZZzz...

Miko: James!

James: (very poor English) Nottinnna mornin'...

Miko: (English) Hmmm.... (feminine cooing) Hey James... free sex if you
wake up now.

James: (semi-English) Hnuh? Uwah? Sex? Where? Miko?

Miko: (Japanese) Phone first, honey.

James: (Japanese) Umm... hello? What? Dammit Dave, this had better be
good.

Miko: (Japanese) Here you go!

James: (English) Hold on a sec.

[Cue wet slurping noise.]


----------

Title card:

SIDESTEP:EVANGELION
Episode 5: Secrets and Lies/
           Or Was it the Insurance Fraud?

----------


James: (English) Aaaahhh. Muuuch better. So, what's up? ... What? We
didn't plan on that.... Well, send someone else! ... No, I don't wanna.
Oh, that's good. Huh? No, not you. Eh? ... Uh-huh.... Yeah? ...
Uh-huh.... Okay. Right.... Well, maybe.... Yeah, I'll ask. Miko-chan?

Miko: (Japanese) Murphlgg? Uh, what?

James: (English) Dave wants to talk to you.

Miko: (English) Hello?

Dave: (from phone, in Japanese) Don't worry about the cute act with me,
Miko. I'm a realist.

Miko: Nnwaa?

Dave: I'll take that as an "I didn't understand," but don't worry; it's
not important. Look, James seems quite unsuitable for a little job I
have on hand. Would you be interested in hearing my terms in about two
hours?

Miko: Sure, I guess.

Dave: Excellent. Don't worry about classes or security, that's what I'm
here to take care of. Just come to the PR office, building 2, and ask
for me. They'll let you in without in any trouble.

Miko: Okay.

Dave: See you shortly.

Miko: Thank you! Bye.

James: (English) What's up?

Miko: (Japanese) Dave. His office, two hours. Job offer, I guess.

James: (Japanese) Miko, you're part of Branch X now. You're already
employed. He just has an assignment for you.

[Pause....]

James: He has an assignment for you?!!

Miko: Guess so. I'd better get ready.

James: Uh... yeah, that would be a good idea. But first...

Miko: Oh, no problem, stud.

[You know what happens next. You _know_ what happens next. Don't make me
get gratuitous on your ass!]

[All right. Settled? Good. Now, fast forward two hours.... There is a
ringing at the door. James stumbles out of his bedroom, dressed in
clothes that do little for the word "fashion," and even less for the
word "clean."]

[RING! RING!]

James: (slurred English) I'm coming already, god dammit! (thinking)
Wakey wakey....

[James reaches the front door, straightens his back, and rubs some of
the sleep from his eyes.]

James: Hey, when did I get a frigging doorbell?

[James pushes the "door open" button, leans outside, notices the
doorbell button, and smashes it flat with his hand. Outside are three
strange looking... er, people, wearing black suits and fedoras, much
like the Blues Brothers.]

James: Better.

[He retreats into his apartment, closing the door. The figures sweat
drop and look at each other for a few moments, then the door opens again
and James looks at the trio, blinking a few times to focus on them.]

James: Yeah?

Man #1: Are you James Rahn?

James: Are you guys salesmen?

Man #2: What?

James: It's a fair question. And why can't I see your faces? It's as if
the lights are dimming just for you three....

[The trio rushes James, mistakenly thinking that a half-asleep James
would somehow be less dangerous than a fully awake James. Gratuitous
violence follows. Three seconds later, Mrs. Tanaka of apartment 3-H
notices three suit-clad people flying into what appears to be low earth
orbit. James of apartment 3-B shuts his front door and yawns hugely.]

James: I just got a visit from the Mugsey Boys. Wonderful. Man, what
time is it?



[INT. NERV HEADQUARTERS - LATER MORNING.]

[Dave's office. The man is mostly ignoring his stash of computers, and a
small pile of actual paperwork sits on his desk. A few sheets of said
paperwork is in his hands, under intense scrutiny. It looks like it'll
be a long day for Dave at the present rate. Miko knocks on the door.]

Dave: (Japanese) Enter.

[Miko comes inside, closing the door behind her.]

Miko: (Japanese) Is this your new office?

Dave: Temporary. I'm still building (dramatic pause) THE OFFICE.

Miko: How did you do that?

Dave: I added the definite article to a noun and lowered the pitch of my
voice for the two words. Observe. (gestures to his desk) THE DESK....

Miko: Err... I mean, how did you get your own office commissioned?

Dave: I have my ways... but enough about me, let's talk about your
mission.

Miko: Shall I sit down?

Dave: If you wish, but this will only take a minute.

Miko: All right.

[She sits down.]

Dave: My pickings for personnel are a little slim right now, and under
normal circumstances, I'd send a professional. James is still pissed off
about yesterday, and frankly you impress me. It's a simple job.
Interested?

Miko: Well, since I'm here....

Dave: I want you to go meet someone. Find him, talk with him, see what's
up with him.

Miko: That's it?

Dave: Kind of like a private investigator.

Miko: Sure! You have my classes taken care of?

Dave: Even if I didn't, you're plenty smart enough to stay ahead. You
are officially employed by a government agency as well. (grins) The
school must make an exception at my request.

Miko: Cool.

Dave: Now, the man's name is Jack Carlson. He's trained as an Engineer,
M.A. in Aerospace Engineering, B.S. in Computer Programming, B.A. in
Classical Literature. Nice guy; he's been doing work all over since
Second Impact, lot of human interest stuff. He was working for a startup
sub-contractor in what's left of Korea until last week. He's in Hong
Kong 2 right now. I want you to say hello, make friends, and find out
what his immediate plans and offers are.

Miko: I have a question.

Dave: I know. The answer is, there's someone buying up all kinds of
talent and material--as if they're building their own space program.

Miko: Surely you--

Dave: Of course we have our suspects. What we don't have is an insider.

Miko: Wow, you're good.

Dave: (smiles) I get a lot of practice.

[Dave grabs a folder from the pile on his desk and checks the contents,
then hands it to Miko.]

Dave: Here's his background.

Miko: (after a moment of reading) He doesn't speak much Japanese?

Dave: You don't speak much English, but you'll make a cute couple.

[Miko stares at Dave.]

Dave: This is a job, not a vacation, girl. Besides, I happen to know a
little bit about those Shikima myself. James... it might take some time
before he's ready to hear the whole story. His other half might have...
problems.

Miko: He's not used to being a girl?

Dave: (dead pan) Gee. What do you think?

Miko: Well, I mean... he, she... he handled himself well at the airport.

Dave: Blowing up everything that got near her is not "well" in my book,
Miko. Let's just hope he.. she... whatever learns to deal with it soon.
Perhaps you can help her?

Miko: (thinks for a minute) Yes. Yes I can. But-- (points at the folder)

Dave: A few days. I'm not sure exactly when yet, but once I nail some
plane tickets for you, I'll give you a call. A courier should find you
and drop off your new cell-phone later today. Yes, I know your apartment
is being repaired because of the problems with the last contractor.
He'll find you, trust me.

Miko: Thanks, I think.

Dave: You're welcome, Miko.



[INT. JAMES' APARTMENT - SILL LATER MORNING.]

[There is a knock at the door. James, fully dressed, but still looking
half-asleep, comes out of the bedroom and tromps noisily down the hall.]

James: (grumbling) What have I gotta do, read them the riot act or
something? (to the noise behind the door) I'M COMING!

Voice: (on other side of door) I doubt that, Mr. Rahn.

James: (opens door) You guys again?

[We see the three from earlier, sans hats. Now it is easy to see that
three Shikima are visiting James. They look very humanoid except for
skin color and having horns instead of hair upon their heads. The
leader, slightly taller than the other two, with bright red skin, puts
his hands up in a placating gesture.]

Shikima #1: No need to be disagreeable sir, we're just here to kidnap
you.

James: Get out of here. I need to go to work.

[James exits his apartment, closing the door behind him. The three
demons nod to each other, then try to jump James.]

[Take careful notice of the word "try," class.]

[James erupts into a string of powerful martial arts techniques, sending
two of the demons go over the railing and then abruptly _down_ several
stories. The third is thrown into a nearby wall and slumps to the floor
unconscious. James adjusts his trench and leaves for work.]



[INT. NERV HEADQUARTERS - NOON.]

[We first see the time--12:08 p.m.--on James' watch. The camera does a
quick pull back to watch James walk down one of the many featureless
NERV corridors. He comes up to a door which is labeled only by a
complicated mix of numbers. He looks at the plate and sighs, then
presses the button to gain admittance.]

[He walks inside, with the camera following. The room is a rather large
shop for building... stuff. A set of computer controlled laser cutters
stand next to an immense CAM machine at the far end; both unused. A
traditional type lathe is just to James' right, inside the door. Safety
glasses, ear plugs, gloves, and hard hats are set neatly on the shelf to
his left. He grabs and puts on one of everything except the ear plugs and
makes his way over to the room's occupants.]

[Dave and a technician stand over a machine with a number of metal bars
across the top. Various electronic instruments are mounted on the bars
on mobile boxes of parts. The entire assembly is wired like a
Frakenputer. James only nodds knowing at the device.]

James: (in English) Now that looks like an old-time plotter.

Dave: (also English) Ah James, good of you to grace us with your
presence on this fine day.

James: (English) Yeah, I noticed that sun thing outside. Ugly. What's
with the hardware?

Dave: (to the technician in Japanese) Tarou, I think we're done for
today. Have the controller team grab their paperwork and start
crunching. I'll send some more instructions over later.

[The tech, a rail thin guy with a gaunt and smiling face makes his
good-byes to Dave and leaves in a very efficient manner that all
Japanese technicians do.]

Dave: We're looking at a two-stage production process for a pet project
of mine.

James: How about the offices?

Dave: Requisitions is a mess right now. Carrie will probably come by and
rip you a new one this afternoon over something or other.

James: Thanks for the warning. Is Ed still on his mecha kick?

Dave: Yes, and how. He has all sorts of nasty ideas on my temporary
desk.

James: Such as...

Dave: He veraciously insists that the loading mech needs a turreted
Vulcan cannon.

James: (thoughtful) My, that _would_ be nice....

Dave: (warning) Get him started and I'll break your fingers.

James: (grinning) Point taken. Any news?

Dave: Oh, that. Well, we don't have anything definite yet. The tests say
we don't know shit, which isn't exactly true.

James: Aye. Dave, this really worries me. I mean, the hormone analysis
from that monster yesterday was off the charts. If I change...

Dave: If you change while fighting, you'll have to deal. We aren't
sending Branch-X all the damn way to China to make you sleep better at
night.

James: (scathing sarcasm) Thanks for the fucking support, man.

Dave: Look, we're spread thin and have a lot more problems than just
yours, James.

James: And in case you haven't noticed, I spent twelve hours rescuing
people and killing things no-one else can deal with, dammit! (takes a
breath) So what's going on with Miko.

Dave: I want Maxim Coltrane tied down. This weekend would be nice, but
we can't find the guy. I know who he's after, so I sent Miko in to be
the gum in his gears.

James: I don't believe this!

Dave: Putting your new girlfriend in a free-fire zone? Believe it.
Coltrane's up to something, James. We act now or pay later.

[The two stand in silence, staring at each other. It seems nothing more
needs to be said. James finally nods, then quietly leaves the machining
room. Dave waits until the ex-assassin is gone before he mumbles to
himself.]

Dave: Strange... he didn't mention his three visitors this morning.



[INT. NERV HEADQUARTERS - NOON.]

[James is inside his "office," a single cubicle in a farm of the generic
work-spaces. His name is posted on a large information board at the
entrance of the room. James doing desk-work looks a little strange,
especially since he is still wearing the eternal trench coat. Carrie
walks up to the desk and un-subtly announces her presence.]

Carrie: Yo, shit head, what's up?

[James looks at the ceiling, pretending to think up a good answer.]

Carrie: And don't start with the ceiling jokes.

James: (looking Carrie in the eye) Good morning, Carrie.

Carrie: (throwing a desk-destroying pile of papers in front of James)
What is all of this shit?

James: (looking warily at the pile) Paper?

Carrie: Mind if I sit down?

James: (fiddling idly with his pencil) Yes.

[Carrie grabs a chair from the next cubicle and drags it into James'
temporary office. She sits down, smirking as James scowls at her.]

Carrie: (conspiratorial tone) Okay, I get this requisition order from
our division yesterday. It's a little strange. I'm expecting weapons, on
account of all that shit you were involved in yesterday, but for the
love of fucking god, James, we're government now. Paper does not come
through this fast without being heavily greased or illegal. So, what's
up?

James: What are we ordering?

Carrie: Gyroscopes... custom-built gyroscopes. Magnetically shielded
servos. Linear actuators. Neural-net processor systems. It's like we're
building a giant robot or something.

James: Carrie, Ed has had plans for giant robots sitting on his desk for
nine years. Were you not at the meeting last week?

Carrie: What do we need giant mecha for?

James: Loading and off-loading. A mecha with weapons is the
personification of a bad idea. We need to move packages in a really big
hurry. We're operating in severely confined spaces. We're talking
maximum versatility as a requirement and not a feature, get it?

Carrie: We need all of this shit for a mecha?

James: Yes. Now what's really on your mind?

Carrie: I have to leave in two weeks to finish a previous contract.

James: (gives the "go ahead" gesture) Sure, we're negotiable.

Carrie: And I'm wondering what you were doing in China.

James: (looking at Carrie) ...

Carrie: (meeting James' stare) ...

James: ...

Carrie: ...

James: (balancing his pencil on his finger) ...

Carrie: Can't you take me seriously?

James: Yes, I'm just not going to answer your question until you give it
some justification.

Carrie: I'm due to hit Hong Kong this time tomorrow to pick out part of
our order.

[The pencil clatters to the desk's surface.]

James: (thin, weak smile) Be careful.

Carrie: Asshole.

[She grabs her papers and leaves post haste. James fiddles with his
pencil for a few more minutes. Subtitles appear over the documents James
has been working on, as the writing is in Japanese characters (mostly
kanji, with some katakana). The gist of the form is it's a damage report
for government personnel, kind of like an action report for police.
James looks at the clock.]

James: Two p.m. already? Lunch time!



[INT. TYPICAL SUSHI BAR - AFTERNOON.]

[The "White Plum" is not the up-scale kind of place you would find Dave
taking a business lunch in, but it's not bad. The floor is clean, the
clientele are peaceful, and barring a sudden shortage of seafood stuff,
prices are reasonable. The various office workers in NERV have, to some
extent, laid claim to this rather large restaurant as their own. Why, if
the city were to suffer a severe earthquake, NERV would be happy to
relocate the White Plum in their offices.]

[Given all this, it is no surprise that John and Trishka happen to stop
here for lunch. Outside, the skies are grey, a summer storm approaching.
Then again, all storms have been summer storms since Second Impact....]

Trishka: Are you sure you don't want a drink?

John: The beer will be fine; (yawns) I'm on duty for another eight
hours.

Trishka: (pouts) Bah! Real men need a good stiff drink every now and
then.

John: True.

[Smooth as Bond, John gulps town Trishka's glass of sake.]

Trishka: Hey! I didn't mean mine!

John: Oh? Sorry.

[Trishka pours herself another cup from the ceramic bottle.]

Trishka: Good stuff, but I'll have to go downtown and get some decent
imported vodka.

John: And I need some thick European beer.

[The two share a look, smiling slightly. Then James swoops down to the
table, taking a spare cushion as if he's been invited. In case you're
wondering, this is a neo-classical restaurant, and chairs as we know
them in the western world aren't to be seen in the White Plum.]

James: (grinning madly) John, it's nice seeing you here.

John: Really? How so?

James: (ignores John and turns to Trishka) And... (smile falls) I don't
know your name.

Trishka: But I know yours.

[She smiles mysteriously and takes a sip from her drink.]

James: Oh... well.... Okay! What's for lunch, guys?

John: We're having sushi.

James: Sushi?

John: Sushi.

James: Food of the gods.

Trishka: Ick.

James: (shocked) ICK?!!

John: Relax, James. I'm working on her.

James: You must be a poor, poor woman....

Trishka: Then you think yourself a rich, rich man?

James: I've been called rich on occasion.

John: No double-entendres before lunch, please.

James & Trishka: We were what?

[A tense silence descends upon the table as Trishka and James pin John
to his seat with the Bug Collector's Stare.]

John: (to James, extra-polite) Where did you meet?

James: Many years ago the USSR decided Trishka's parents were a
liability and had them executed. I handled the resulting request.

John: YOU KILLED HER PARENTS?!!

[The few other NERV employees either stare or spit out their lunch and
stare.]

James: Ah... no. I killed the people that killed her parents. This was
years after the fact, of course, and both had become extremely dangerous
terrorists with a lot of bounties on their heads. I donated the proceeds
to a promising young student of natural theory.

[John blinks. Then he blinks some more. Then, he finally remembered to
breath.]

John: (loudly, for the benefit of their audience) OH, I see. Upholding
justice by hunting down those evil terrorists, right? (nodding
emphatically) Okay. Wait, you just said you didn't know her name.

[Everybody else goes back to their business.]

James: I don't. So, how are you solving the "Ick" problem?

John: Thorough analysis. Careful observation. Some experimentation may
be in order. So, KGB agents?

James: I see, and ex-KGB actually. They got out early, dirty bastards.

John: (to the scientist) Trishka? Do you have anything to say?

Trishka: I thanked him some time ago.

John: (pointing) And you two aren't friends?

James: I'm an assassin and a ghost killer, John. She's a respected
scientist. We worked on opposite sides of the globe until recently.
Sheesh. Why would I know her? (looks at his watch) Damn, well, I need to
get going. I have lunch somewhere else, I just saw you two inside and
thought I'd get an update.

John: (thinking interrupted) Huh? Update on what?

James: Well, when I got in this morning, I found out there was an office
pool on whether you could actually get her to enjoy sushi.

John: That's entirely too subjective.

Trishka: I agree. I think it was more like, 'she won't throw up,' or
something of that nature.

James: Well, sadly I'm not in on it. I'm just here to see what's up. Oh,
John, I have a work request that demands your skills in China. We're
trying to negotiate some set-up, so it'll be a while, but I wanted to
give you the opportunity to get your hands on the bull's horn.

John: (still distracted) Eh? Sure, give me a run-down?

James: I'll e-mail it to you. Enjoy your lunch.

[James stands and quietly leaves.]

Trishka: That was rather strange.

John: Did you _know_ he worked here?

Trishka: I didn't have a clue.

John: (sipping his beer) You seemed rather non-plused about the whole
affair... he really killed them?

Trishka: (shrugging) They were wanted criminals. Several governments
were simply tired of dealing with them. I heard some secret black-ops
agency had simply put a huge price on their heads; let criminals deal
with criminals.

John: He didn't actually say 'ghost killer,' did he?

Trishka: Yes, why?

John: That's crazy talk. What on earth did he really do?

Trishka: Yesterday you sounded like he does these things all the time.

John: In a much more... minor way, usually. I mean, what is a 'ghost
killer'?

Trishka: One who kills ghosts, I suppose.

John: Isn't that like killing a dead person?

Trishka: He is an assassin, perhaps he's taking it to the next level.

John: Now that's a very scary thought.

Trishka: No, a very scary thought is me eating something that's still
moving.

John: I did see him tear a guy's beating heart out of his chest once. I
wonder if that has anything to do with it....

[You can hear the flow of nearby conversation grinding to a halt.]

Trishka: You're... you're kidding, right?

John: Nope. That was probably the third most disgusting thing I've ever
seen in my life.

Trishka: And what were the other two, if you don't mind me asking?

John: Not at all. You're a biologist, so this doesn't bother you either?

Trishka: To put it loosely, yes. My appetite can't get any worse.

John: Well, the number two was an ugly childbirth.

[Trishka smirks.]

John: Number three was when James cut this guy loose from jail. Happened
not long after Second Impact. The dude was out in a real bad way. James
came up behind this cop, pinned him down and tore his shoulder apart.
Then he cut off the guy's fingers with a hunting knife and cauterized
the wounds with a blow torch. Then he killed the man with the Death by a
Thousand Swords technique.

Trishka: Old method of torture from ancient China, right? Numerous
shallow cuts across the skin until the victim bleeds to death?

John: Yeah, but that wasn't the bad part.

[The temperature in the room drops several degrees.]

John: James un-cuffs the guy and puts him on the desk in front of his
interrogation cell. Then, he goes to work. (pause) James goes into the
cells one at a time, killing the prisoners. No two deaths are exactly
the same, each successive killing more brutal than the previous.

[John sips his beer.]

John: There's fifty-two inmates in this block. It takes James no more
than eight minutes to clear the place out. There's blood everywhere. He
comes out of the last cell and yells out this big war-whoop like he's a
fuckin' Indian. He comes back to the desk and sets a pair of eyeballs on
the top. Now, our boy has given up even looking for a weapon. At first,
he thought he had a free ride out this hell-hole, but once James started
cutting apart prisoners, he figures that's it; end of the road. But the
guy's so scared he can't move.

Trishka: That's it? You were the prisoner?

John: Oh please. I was partnering with James. Who do you think was
supposed to watch this asshole? Even James wouldn't leave his back
unguarded like that. So, anyway, James mostly has this out of his
system, and he grabs the guy by the arm and walks him down the cell
block. There's blood on the floor, rivers of death crawling between our
feet and disappearing into the floor drains. James is smiling like he
just won the lottery when we get to the block entrance. He's just
grinning like a fucking idiot.

John: Then, James turns to the guy and says "okay, now tell me where the
pictures are." This guy looked at James, looked down the hall, and then
looked to the door. Freedom was a few feet away, he could smell it. All
James wanted was something all the dead fuckin' cops couldn't ask nicely
for.

Trishka: And?

John: The guy says they're inside locker 61 of Locke field; a temporary
airport we'd just come from. James pulls out the detonator he'd taken
from locker 61 and puts it in the guys hands, and then he asks the
question again. This time the guy just tries to deck James; hell, he
doesn't have any other options at this point.

[Trishka waits patiently as John finishes his beer and looks around
conspiratorially.]

John: Then James cut the guy's gut open. We're talkin' slice-n-splat
like nobody's business. Then he puts his hand up the guy's chest and
rams his fist out of the man's mouth. (another long pause) A few weeks
later I asked him why he did it.

Trishka: My god, what did he say?

John: It was in the contract.

Trishka: It was in the contract?

John: It was in the contract. That's it; just a job. It was fuckin'
disgusting though.

Trishka: He turned a guy inside-out because it was his job?

John: Yep.

Trishka: Damn. I wouldn't want to cross him.

John: Fucked up world, isn't it?

Trishka: In ways I can't often bear to think about. (beat) Where's our
food?

John: I haven't ordered yet.

Trishka: You said you ordered while I was in the restroom!

John: That was for our drinks!

Trishka: We were going to have sushi and you haven't ordered?!

John: (defensively) I was gettin' around to it!



[EXT. TOKYO-3 - EVENING.]

[The sun is descending from its throne in typical lordly fashion. The
storm of earlier this afternoon has dissipated, leaving a handful of
puddles in its wake. The clouds sit leisurely at the horizon, assured of
their return tomorrow. The sky is colored a deep purple, with yellow
sunbeams reaching down between the buildings like fingers of light to
touch the water left behind by the clouds; turning it into liquid gold.]

[James is walking through this scene of nature's most extravagant going-
away party, the visual feast mirrored on his shades. The customary black
trench coat billows out behind him in the mild breeze, appearing
deceptively light. The only thing out of place is a canvas grocery bag,
stocked full of what will soon be dinner, that he carries. James starts
to do a little narrating of his own.]

James: (voice over the scene) It had been a good day so far. Save for
the light rain, the weather was cooperating. Only a few people had been
hurt in yesterday's antics, and my paperwork was nearly done. Everyone I
had talked to seemed to be settling in just fine. Trey was already doing
some runs to commercial freighters. It was kind of bugging me that
Carrie had to hand-deliver our order, but stranger things had happened
with nobody getting killed, so I wasn't about to loose sleep over it.

[James turns down another random street corner. He looks like he knows
where he's going, but he's definitely found his way into the wrong
place.]

James: (voice over) Then it happened.


----------

Title card:

SIDESTEP:EVANGELION
Episode 5: Secrets and Lies/
           Or Was it the Insurance Fraud?

----------


James: (stops walking) You three.

[The shadows seem to melt away from the buildings that line his narrow
street. Before James stands the three suits from the beginning of the
episode. Each "person" is clearly a Shikima. The leader is a tall red
guy with a symmetrical body and a line of short spikes running
vertically down the center of his face. The second is lop-sided, with
purple skin a face that looks like a miniature golf ball. The third is
on the green side with huge hands and huge feet. He's easily a foot
shorter than the leader, and is constantly nodding.]

Red Guy: We didn't get introduced properly last time.

James: Oh yes we did, your name's Asshole Number 1.

Red Demon: (to the other two) Get him.

James: No! I've got--

[But the demons are either exceptionally cruel or exceptionally stupid.
You don't mess with a man's food! Of course, you don't mess with James
either, and since this is James _and_ food....]

James: (beating the two goons with his bag) Get away! Get! Away!

[The demons cover their heads and pull back.]

Demon Goon #1: (nursing a new shiner) What the fuck have you got in
there?!

Demon Goon #2: (covering a fresh bump on his head) It felt like rocks!

Red Demon: You bakas! Allow me.

[The red demon steps forward and pulls off his jacket. James is in a
fighting stance, eager to begin. The red demon, now free of his human
clothing, seems to grow in size. A half-dozen tentacles shred his pants
and rise into the air about him, weaving around like a nest of drunken
cobra.]

James: (crooked eyebrow) Huh?

Red Demon: No offense, but what the boss wants, the boss gets.

[James' eyes narrow as the demon charges. He is far, far faster than a
normal human, but James is far from normal. The pair grapple and strike
at each other at impossible speeds, employing techniques ranging from
the bizarre to the mundane. The demon has a clear advantage from the
start with his tentacles in addition to his pure speed, but James is
incredibly flexible for someone his age, defends like he has eyes in the
back of his head, and appears to be getting used to the tentacle thing
already.]

James: (dodging) Hah! Your inferior tactics are no match for my Nothing
Rahn style!

[The fight goes across the road, over a building, through traffic, in
front of an office building, and back to where it started... where James
lands in a puddle left over from the earlier ran storm.]

James: Ah! What the hell?

[The newly female James continues fighting, but with one hand as she
adjusts the previously well-fitting clothes with the other. The girl is
considerably shorter and slimmer than James, and his clothes are nearly
hanging off the girl's body.]

James: That's IT! You fuckers are DEAD!

Red Demon: (lustful grin) Now _this_ is interesting!

[James seems to have a new advantage, slapping aside the demon's
advances, which are now more of a groping than grappling in nature, with
unreal strength. She finally tires of the game and lands a solid
spinning back kick into the demon, sending it _through_ two
buildings.... Then the other two demons come up behind her.]

James: (voice utterly flat) I am officially pissed. You have three
seconds to leave. I suggest you run as fast and as far as you possibly
can and don't even think of looking back.

[James stands perfectly still, a hairy tail curled around her waist
tightly, hands balled into fists that would almost seem cute on her
small frame, if not for them being powerful enough to kill a dozen or
more people in a single blow. Her back is still to the two remaining
demons, who are presently more occupied with drooling and oggling than
taking James' suggestion. The spiky black hair and extra-long trench
coat, outlined by the setting sun looks especially dramatic. All that is
missing is the properly timed breeze.]

[Said breeze never arrives....]

James: ... What is that smell? It's like... leather, and something
sweet. Really sweet, like sweetener, not sugar. (turns around) You two
are still here? (sighs) What do you want on your... uh, guys?

[Her eyes start to un-focus on the two, her knees slowly beginning to
shake. James tries to focus on the figures, but her jaw is slowly going
slack. Dust from the suddenly ended fight still settles in the still
air, the sun dipping gracefully below the horizon. The expression on
James' face slowly changes from confusion, to shock, to horror, to mild
bemusement, to a sultry gaze, to anger, to hate for an instant, then
back to the heavy-lidded, sultry look.]

James: (drugged slur) Heyyy...

[James shakes her head, hard, then reels from the motion.]

James: (flushed) Holy cow, that's some strong shit. I... I...

[Two flashes of blue light appear next to James. It appears as kind of a
soft lighted outline, but gone in the blink of an eye. As the light
vanishes, another pair of demons are left standing in its place,
blinking in the rapidly approaching darkness. They two look very much
alike, with pale blue skin and large luminous green eyes. Their fingers
are easily twice as long and thick as a humans, but they only have four
to each hand. The pair are dressed in white T-shirts and casual slacks,
with one of them smoking a cigar. Both wearing a single earring in the
left ear, a dot of gold to one side of their mostly human faces.]

[James glances at the newcomers, looking at them but not really paying
attention to them, as if part of her brain has shut down. The two look
back, but observe her in greater detail, their huge fish eyes magnifying
the effect of a bug being examined under a microscope.]

Blue #1: (conversational tone) Tsk, tsk, tsk. She's about ready to pop.
Guys, didn't you over do it a little bit this time?

Blue #2: (equally conversational) Hmm... look at the hormones this one
produces... and she's got a tail! Interesting....

Blue #1: Most interesting. (taps the ash from his cigar) She's isn't
beaten up, that's good.

Blue #2: Better take her back anyway. Maybe the guy is hiding inside
that coat.

Blue #1: Where's Trevor?

Blue #2: Who cares? Let's--

[As Blue #2 is speaking, he reaches for James' wrist. Panic grips her
eyes as she finally seems to pay attention to something with a twisted,
lustful look on her face. Switch to near bullet-time. Her eyes harden,
something deadly and unforgiving glinting within them. A hand flashes
out as a blur, cutting the demon's arm like a knife. Blood, tissue, and
bone fly from the impact in a spray of gore, the hand twirling through
the air, muscles still clasping the long fingers around endless nothing.]

[James quickly follows through, her eyes now unfocused, but still held
by... something. A smashing shin kick is aimed a little bit high,
destroying the demon's knee with brutal efficiency. Already shifting her
weigh, James slams an elbow into the demon's chest as he leans forward
in pain, off-balance. The blow cracks a dozen ribs, the demon's side
visibly caving in from the impact. The attack moves to the next demon,
the first still falling, green eyes locked on his bleeding stump of an
arm as his leg folds underneath him. The second demon is easy prey, a
single side-kick sending him flying almost comically into the air and
through a second-floor window.]

[She halts, standing at ease. The wind picks up, along with an unearthly
wail from the injured demon curled into a fetal ball on the ground. No
stance is apparent from James. She merely stands impassively, back still
facing the first two demons, who are seriously reconsidering her earlier
warning.]

Blue Demon: Umm... you know, this is really getting weird.

Purple: This was weird from the start, Sam. The boss of home doesn't
just _send_ three Shikima to capture a single human. And a man at that!
Where the fuck _is_ this guy? And who's this bitch?!

Sam: (points) He could be her now. That aura is strangely familiar.

Purple: (looking at their injured comrade) I'm not sure I wanna tangle
with her, Sam. Besides, you know humans can't change like that.

Voice: I asked for one thing! One. Fucking. Thing! I asked you to come
see the boss. You didn't have to be there long, you had a fucking
escort, but NO! YOU had to make things hard, fuck up my day, probably
piss of the boss, and now you've nearly killed somebody.

[The voice presents itself as the Red Demon, cut and a little bruised,
but otherwise relatively unharmed... besides the limp. The second pale
blue one is on his feet at the destroyed window he has already been
through once, staring down at James with anger twisting his features.]

James: (same dead flat tone as earlier) Let me see him then.

[She does not move. For several seconds, neither does anyone else.
Traffic is slowing on the nearest street, so the demons quickly gather
around the statue-still figure of a female James Rahn, and proceed with
the same blue flashy special effect as the one which proceeded the pair
of blue demons. All six are taken away, including the severed hand and
the blue blood that came from the demon. All eyes are on James, who
ignores the demons utterly, responsive as a robot.]

[Fade out.]

[Cue Metallica's "Better Than You" faintly in the background as the
narrator's deep, booming voice speaks over the scenes.]

NARRATOR: NEXT TIME, ON SIDESTEP:EVANGELION!

[Miko standing in a futuristic building, people bustling about her in a
general chaotic kind of white-collar workday way. In front of her stands
a buttoned-down type of guy, American, with a deep tan. He wears a blue
short-sleeved shirt and his hair is combed down.]

NARRATOR: MIKO MIDO MEETS JACK CARLSON.

[James laying in his bed; looking rather pale and beaten up at the same
time.]

NARRATOR: JAMES MEETS THE SHIKIMA.

[Dave, gesticulating like a motivational speaker, is talking at James at
approximately ninety miles an hour. James is following what his friend
is saying, but looks a little surprised. For a change of pace, James is
not wearing his trench coat.]

NARRATOR: DAVE LETS US IN ON A NEW PLOT POINT.

[James and a bunch of Japanese technicians are boarding a cargo plane,
in street clothes.]

NARRATOR: AND... OTHER EXCITING STUFF HAPPENS!

[A single shot of the crowded streets of New Hong Kong.]

NARRATOR: ALL IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF SIDESTEP:EVANGELION!



                           [Ending credits:]

Ranting, Sidestep, lots of other stuff:
	Jared Waddell, HQ

Consulting:
	Insanity Productions Staff

Remarks:
	John Genoni, Pullman Branch
	Andy Mucha, Kennewick Bunker

Miko Mido, the Shikima, and Those With Tentacles are from 'La Blue
Girl.'

Tokyo-3 and all things and characters present regarding Eva are from
Neon Genesis: Evangelion.

No copyright infringement is intended. This work is copyrighted but
non-profit. Perhaps in the vein of a bizarre parody, but I'm guessing
not.

All other characters, unless noted, are copyright Insanity Productions.

Original characters created by Insanity Productions may be used in freely
in other non-profit works, without the author's prior assent (you can
get it, but you don't have to).

Special effects provided by Insanity Productions Technical Department.

And thank you, the reader, for reading.


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