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-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: SE003.txt
-- Desc: SE003.txt

Narrator: IN THE LAST EPISODE, SOME OLD FRIENDS SAID HELLO, OTHER OLD
FRIENDS TRIED TO KILL PEOPLE, AND SOME STUFF GOT BLOWN UP BUT GOOD.

Narrator: ... DID EVERYONE HAVE FUN?

Warning for language. Poor language, suggestive language, the works.

C&C, Flames, Anything, welcome at: rick_spiff@yahoo.com

Posted at Insanity Production's home page:
        http://www.geocities.com/rick_spiff/





~ Begin fic ~

[Opening Music is Metallica's 'Enter Sandman' played very loudly. A
montage of shots flash by to the bars of the song, mostly of the
Sidestep cast and various Eva characters dressed in kick-ass clothes and
shooting things out of frame. Splattered here and there among the
characters are various explosions for variety.]

[Music cuts out.]



[BLANK SCREEN. TIME AND PLACE UNKNOWN.]

[Cue: A voice, echoing in the darkness.]

Voice: It's the end of the world as I know it...

[Another Voice joins in... emotionless, unlike the first, yet somehow
alluring.]

Another Voice: Yes, the end of all things.

Dave: (PO'd) The fucking elevator lights are out. Quit complaining.

[The first voice, now recognized as James, responds normally.]

James: What is wrong with this place?!!

Dave: (audibly sweat-dropping, since he can't be seen) They're having
some budget problems.

Trey: Y'know, it amazes me that we're all here jammed into one elevator,
and no one's screaming anything like 'PERVERT!' or 'WHOSE HAND IS
THIS?!'

Kat: That reminds me. Just _whose_ hand is this?

James: Shouldn't that be, '_who's_ hand is this'?

Kat: (audibly sweatdropping) Umm... Shut up, James.

Dave: (loudly) About that.... You see, we're all in separate elevators.

[Several hundred meters further down, the silence breaks.]

James: Okay, how?

Dave: Walking into one big elevator would cause problems that even James
lacks analogy for. So, we actually got into different elevators.

John: Pay up.

Trey: Oh, blow me.

James: Later, kids.

Lisa: It was dark when we got in. No telling exactly where we all
walked, or what we walked into.

Kat: Wasn't our 'training' supposed to keep this sort of thing from
happening?

Sherridan: He was fooled too, dear.

Kat: Hmm, true.

Trey: But James is a moron.

James: That's it!

[Sound of a fist impacting a steel plate and the silence of the steel
plate gloating.]

James: You WILL pay for that.

[No one can tell if James is talking to Trey or the aforementioned steel
plate.]



[Cue John's voice-over, in English. A montage of stills slowly drift by.
Many of them are the group exploring various darkened rooms with flash-
lights. James is occasionally caught pinching one of the girls' butts,
trying to cause trouble. There are several shots of the others trying to
force him down a darkened hallway without a flashlight. Cue John's
voice-over.]

John: Welcome to NERV. Or, at least what should be NERV. The place isn't
complete yet, but they have _tons_ of room for expansion.

[Diagram of the geo-front: a roughly spherical hole under Tokyo-3.]

John: NERV was formed at the request of a group of scientists working
with the U.N. However, none of these scientists seems to have the
slightest idea of what NERV is supposed to do. A Gendo Ikari and a
Doctor Kozou Fuyutsuki basically run the place. I'm not sure they know
what it does either, but at least they're keeping people plenty busy
doing something.

[Head-on shot of Ikari and Fuyutsuki in their 'normal' positions. Ikari
is seated at a small desk with Fuyutsuki standing behind him and
slightly to one side. The office they stand in is fairly small and
doesn't look very well lighted.]

John: I heard a doctor Akagi ran things in the research branch, Branch
4 if I remember correctly. We haven't met her yet; I guess she's busy.
Lesee, Branch 1 is command. It's mostly made up of military officers.
Right now they run the place, but Dave said that's only temporary.
Branch 2 is communications; mostly inseparable from Branch 1, except
these guys are civilians by and large.

[Shot of several young Japanese people that don't look familiar. They
are wearing familiar uniforms though; almost identical to the ones Maya,
Shiegeru and Aoba wear in Evangelion.]

John: Branch 3 is transportation. These guys get to drive the big rigs.
Colossus someone kept calling 'em. They never could pronounce it right.

[Shot of a large transport truck. It is at least twice as wide as a
tractor trailer rig and has twice as many wheels. It looks similar to
the vehicle Misato was sitting in during Episode 2 of Eva, except it's
big and painted a flat green.]

John: Branch 7 does maintenance--as in the stuff we'll eventually be
using. This is where all the creepy scientists work and dirty hands-on
tech guys work. Ikari seems to have some special interest here too. Dave
mentioned a Project E that we should keep our eyes on that's tied into
Branch 4. I'll keep my eyes in my head, thank you very much.

[Shot of James with a flashlight positioned under his chin, pointing
its beam of light up on James' face.]

John: Branch 5 is public relations, Branch 6 is security. That's about
all I know. Where do we fit?

[Shot of the entire group facing away from the camera. They're all
looking up at something out of our field of view and wearing a wide
variety of casual clothing. The place they're standing in looks like a
large hanger of some sort, and the lighting is poor.]

John: We are Branch X. (dramatic pause) We don't exist at all.


----------

Title card:

SIDESTEP:EVANGELION
Episode 3: A Walk in the Park/
           No! No! A Dozen Times NO!

----------


[INT. NERV COMPLEX - DAY?]

[The halls of NERV again, this time well-lighted. The area has drab
green walls with red stripes at the top and bottom, where the wall meets
the floor and ceilings. Trey is standing in the entrance of a slim
door. He barely fits in it. Someone is in the room, but we can't see
them. They are obviously female, however, due to the high pitch of their
voice. Both Trey and this mystery woman are speaking in Japanese. Trey
has a slight accent, but it isn't bad.]

Trey: So, I just show them the card? Or, do I have to do a card-swipe to
take care of the charges?

Woman: All the stations have a card swipe, but have to give them the
number by letting the cashier write it down, unless you're at an
automated station.

Trey: Okay, thanks.

[Trey turns around to face the camera. The figure in the room is a
rather tall girl with Slavic features. She's wearing a NERV uniform
similar to the ones the bridge bunnies were wearing earlier, and holds a
clipboard in one arm. She's taking stock of some supplies; the room is
filled with huge crates painted dark green.]

Trey: (in English, to John) This place is too fucking dark. Man, what a
dump. I hope Dave gets our offices up soon.

John: (coming into view) What do you mean 'our' offices? From the way he
said it, we were just going to hoof it and he would have the office.

[Both start walking down the hallway. The camera follows behind them,
trailing a ways back. From this angle we can see Trey is wearing a
leather bomber jacket and blue jeans. He walks with a slight swagger and
has his fingers laced behind his head. John is wearing a white T-shirt
that barely covers his burly frame and form-fitting blue jeans that look
like they are being held together by the dirt ground into the fabric.
John walks like a man completely sure of himself, with his hands dug
deeply into the pockets of his jeans.]

Trey: He did? That guy can be hard to read sometimes.

John: Especially since you and Carrie were in a shouting match at the
time.

Trey: Excuse me? I was just making a few minor corrections to her skewed
point of view!

John: (not buying it) Right, whatever.

Trey: I was! Honest!

John: (obviously not buying a word) Yeah, sure. Put the `bitch' back in
her place...

Trey: (stops; yells at John) Just what the _fuck_ has gotten into you,
man?!

John: (keeps walking) A little bit of life, I'm afraid.

[Trey sprints up to John and grabs his arm.]

Trey: What's that supposed to mean?

John: (looking at Trey dangerously) Let. Go.

[Trey does so.]

John: I think we both have work to get to.

Trey: (not backing down) We'll talk about this later.

John: Right, later.

[John walks down the hall. The camera stays with Trey as he watches John
fade into the distance for a while, then turn down another passageway.]

Trey: (confused look) What was that about?

[Fast zoom to John. He's walking just the same as before. He reaches the
door he was looking for, labeled "Section 5".]

John: (to camera) This is it.

[He opens the door and enters a modest reception lounge, minus
receptionist. He blinks.]

John: (thinking) Okay, what's a reception lounge doing this far inside
NERV?

[He scans the place, taking in the curved desk set on the right side of
the room. A hat rack hides in the corner next to him. Some couches on
the left, across the desk, and three doors at the far end of the room.]

John: (to camera) Trey and Carrie have been fighting since I've known
them. Hell, that was back in high school. Trey's working with some
Russian chick who manages supplies for the communications branch, hence
electronic stuff. As in, electronic eavesdropping stuff. She can't speak
English and he can't speak Russian. They can both speak Japanese,
though, and given her accent, I'd say she's lived here most of her life.

[John calmly wanders over to the empty receptionist's desk and leafs
through a few papers scattered across the top. It looks like he's just
killing time to the inexperienced eye, but he's scanning every page for
information.]

John: (continuing, to camera) Trey was doing some bush piloting. It's
kind of like mercenary work, only he flies planes instead of killing
people. Got nasty, though. Not five minutes after James grabbed him,
some guys showed up and torched his apartment. He just found out; I
think he's still ticked off. But, that kind of thing happens in the
business. I suppose it's what he's always done; tempt fate recklessly. I
honestly don't know what James saw in the guy. He's a miscreant and a
pervert. He makes trouble for fun, isn't too bright, gets into arguments
at the drop of a hat...  Hmm, come to think of it, why _wouldn't_ James
like the guy?

[John has a quick glance in the desk drawers, but doesn't touch
anything. Then he moves out from behind the desk and looks around the
room again, this time taking note of the utter absence of interesting
architecture.]

John: (mumbling to himself) How long is he going to be?



[INT. NERV COMPLEX - DAY?]

[We follow James and Dave walking down another random hallway. This hall
is very narrow, so James keeps pace just slightly behind Dave, rather
than walk abreast of him and keep their shoulders rubbing the walls.
James is still outfitted in a blue pin stripe suit, this time including a
fedora. He looks very much like a gangster. Dave is wearing an
impeccable three-piece suit in charcoal gray; dressed to kill.]

James: I should what?

Dave: (gestures aimlessly) Take a break.

James: (false cheer) Sounds like a grand idea to me!

Dave: (he figured James would say that) I figured you'd say that, so I
worked up a temporary task to keep you occupied.

James: (frowning) Hmm... I'd expect a little action from a position of
my prestige.

Dave: (rambling on) And I keep telling you, your position _doesn't_
_exist_. Don't you ever listen to me?

James: (not listening) I'm sorry, what were you babbling about?

Dave: (oppressed sigh) Okay, I'll make this simple on you: Coin flip with
Ed. I have one field assignment and once office assignment.

James: I have a better idea.

Dave: (under his breath) I kind of doubt that...

James: (continuing as if he hasn't heard) How about I take the field
assignment and stick Ed with the office work. He could use a break from
field work.

Dave: James, _you_ have been doing all the field work lately. This is
Ed's baby. End of fucking story, get it?

James: Yes sir.



[INT. NERV COMPLEX - DAY?]

[Fade in a long hallway, similar to all the other nameless places we've
seen before. Navy blue stripes run along the top and bottom portions of
the walls - thin stripes to identify it in some way. James and John walk
easy side by side. The walls are easily four meters apart.]

John: So, what's the news?

James: Well, I have a new place finally.

John: New place? Oh, you've been in Tokyo-3 for a while now...

James: Yeah. My old apartment was just a temporary construct. I heard
it'll be torn down in two weeks. That block and several past it are
getting renovated. Lot of expansion in that direction, so I signed up
for a new apartment. You?

John: Dave had some listings in his information packet. I called myself
a consultant and got a high-rise up town.

James: Nice...

John: So, nothing new?

[James looks around.]

John: (warning tone) James...

James: It's nothing, man. Ed has some work to do for our little mecha
transports, I have to go talk to the police so they know who I am.

John: Yeah, I should be doing that too.

James: And then we have to lay out our offices. Since NERV is still
under construction, we'll have plenty of spots to work with, but...

John: You'd rather be making mecha and mayhem, in that order.

James: Aye.

John: Well, I need to get down to the car pool, maybe catch Carrie before
she punches out some poor mechanic.

James: (chuckles) Yeah, keep her on a short leash, John. I'll see ya
around.

[The two nod curtly to one another, then move off in separate
directions. John takes a left turn, which ends at a bank of freight
elevators. Punching one of the buttons, he turns to the camera while
waiting.]

John: (thoughtful, to the audience) James. Dave. What a mess. James is
the definition of a nice guy - he's just a deranged, psychotic, utter
moralless killing machine. He's obsessive about the dumbest things,
loves magical girl anime and gets into trouble like no one else I've
known. The man _has_ an agenda I'm sure of it, I just wonder if all of
the trouble is smokescreen for the real purpose of his existence...

[The elevator opens. John boards, the only passenger in the massive
compartment. He punches a few numbers into the panel and leans against
the corner near the door - the blind spot for an entry team.]

John: (continuing) Oh, and let's not forget his other half. James is the
overt man; blunt, loud, visual. He's in the public's eye, he makes
noise; he makes problems. He starts flashy gunfights for kicks. Dave
sits in the shadows, he lords over the activities James is involved
in. He knows the players and plays them like an orchestra. He pretty
much ran Durankov single-handedly, and now he's running Branch X the
same way. Nothing new here.

John: But sometimes the guy scares me. No one knows exactly what he's
capable of, and after all this time around James, he might be just as
nutty. That means all of our lives aren't worth a pile of warm dung to
him, as long as our deaths would guarantee his victory... The funny thing
is, Dave isn't interested in the victor or the battle; that's James'
forte. James makes impassioned speeches, Dave taps him on the shoulder
when it's time to stop and points the way to the armory. I've seen him
fight, and he seems to win by luck. There's something going on here that
I can't quite put my finger on, but maybe James is the puppet master and
Dave is really the front man. I know, it sounds insane, but I _am_
right.

John: (looks around fugitively) Usually.

[The elevator opens. John leaves.]



[INT. NERV SURFACE RECEPTION AREA - DAY.]

[One of the few places in NERV that is complete and open for business is
the reception area. One of twelve separate ground-level offices, they
resemble the ordinary government services office to a fault. Friendly
NERV logos adorn the walls, the gift shop is always stocked, and the
front doors have one inch thick Alon plating instead of regular security
glass.]

[The lobby area is a shaped like a diamond, with two pairs of doors at
the front, facing each other at right angles. There are two secretaries
desks in the opposite corner, with hallways leading off the two
remaining corners of the room. Benches sit just inside the doors, along
the wall. At this hour, sunlight comes through the glass-clear entrance
and bathes the entire area in soft yellow light. Miko stands in the
lobby alone, looking at the reception desks nervously. James enters from
one of the side halls and the two start speaking in Japanese.]

James: Ohayo!

Miko: Ohayo-gozaimasu, James-san.

James: Just James, please. So, what can I do for you?

Miko: (pointing at the desk) Do you work here?

James: Eh? No, heavens no. I was just on my way out. The secretary's in
the bathroom.

Miko: Okay. Well, I got this e-mail from Dave on the T machine and--

James: (interrupting) T machine?

Miko: Some kind of tiny computer, hence the 'T.' He said it's for secure
communications. Any way, I got this message from him telling me that you
needed help with something?

James: Oh, yeah. Well, it's a military problem. (narrows his eyes,
letting them travel up and down Miko's body) Hmm... you will do nicely.
Say, have you ever seduced anyone before?

[Miko manages to look completely innocent for a few seconds, then the
[GRIN] starts to spread across her face. James waves his hand to cut her
response off.]

James: I get the picture. Okay, here's the plan.

[The secretary, a short woman with firey red hair, enters the room.
She's wearing a sensible business suit that's colored a dreadful pink.
James looks at her like an alligator that has just entered his favorite
swimming hole uninvited and motions Miko toward the door.]

James: We'll just be getting out, Demi.

[Pleasant smiles and farewells are sent all around, then James and Miko
move out onto the street.]

Miko: Who was that again?

James: Demi something or other. She works for NERV, transfered here from
Germany from Kahzachstan from the U.S. Knows about four languages.
Expert technical writer. (looks at Miko) Why am I telling you this?

Miko: (confident) Because I asked.

James: (of-course tone of voice) Right. Well, Ed and I need to 'borrow'
some military hardware. He needs this stuff tomorrow, so a normal
requisition isn't going to cut it. I'd like to avoid a shootout with the
JSDF in our first week, so...

Miko: (picking up) So you want me to distract the guards while you
disable the security system and then sneak in and get your gear later,
right?

James: You're a sharp girl, Miko. That's why I like you.

[Miko bounds up to give James a lightening-quick peck on the cheek. Pan
back into the receptionist's office, where we see Demi spying on them
from behind the Alon. A pencil she is holding nervously in her hand
snaps as she watches Miko finish up the exchange. Slowly, Demi raises a
fist in the air and starts shouting dramatically.]

Demi: THAT LITTLE TRAMP! HOW DARE SHE KISS MY BELOVED! THIS SHALL NOT GO
UNFORGIVEN, AND ONE DAY, JAMES-CHAN [WILL] BE MINE! (she brings the back
of her hand to her mouth and begins to laugh the terrible laugh)
OOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!

Man's voice: (OS) Demi? What's going on out here?

[Demi freezes in place and goes quiet as a sweat drop the size of a
baseball rolls down the back of her head.]

[Cut to the front plaza of the office, where John stands in a dark suit.
The scene fades into black and white, while several people off-scene
hold up white boards with numbers on them. From left to right, the
numbers read: 8.0  7.8  9.1  8.8  5.5]

John: (to himself) Those Russians, always the harsh judges... Oh, yeah.
(to the audience, in a low, Rod Sterling-type voice) Consider, if you
will, an ordinary office in Japan's largest and most advanced city. A
city built with science, built with logic, and yet, held aloft by...
(dramatic pause) insanity.



[INT. MOTOR POOL WORKSHOP, NERV - DAY?]

[The motor pool looks like a vast, empty warehouse from the inside. Four
flat gray walls box in what looks like hundreds of vehicles. There are
cars and trucks of every imaginable size and type here, but nothing
fancy or particularly artsy, just workin' machines. Along the short wall
opposite several large roll-up doors (which most of the vehicles are
facing), there is a row of offices built right into the room. Another
roll up door is on a side wall, open, connecting to another warehouse,
full of shelves stocked with parts.]

[Carrie is leaning casually against the wall that separates the offices
from the parking area, one leg crossed over the other and both hands
behind her head. She is now clad in the official Coat, though her's is
navy blue instead of black and features a wide collar with two columns
of buttons down the front of her chest. As the author prepares to
describe her... physical charms, she glares menacingly at the fourth
wall.]

[Er... anyway, John comes in from the parts warehouse, now fit in his
new trench coat. The Coat is tailored for his stout frame and is worn
over a pair of blue jeans that have seen better days, a plain white
T-shirt, and cowboy boots. Carrie notices him approaching, and the two
start talking in English.]

Carrie: (casual) Dressed for dinosaur hunting?

John: (equally casual) Chipocabras, which I would be photographing in
their natural habitat right now if not for James.

[John leans up against the wall, mimicking Carrie's position.]

Carrie: (seeming to agree) Hmm...

John: So... what happened here?

Carrie: Axle snapped. Looks like sabotage. I feel like I'm being turned
into a dime-novel detective.

John: (putting on his Raybans) Oh, come now. That'd at least be a dollar
book.

Carrie: Excuse me?

John: Think about it, by the time detective-novel authors got around to
using you as a character, inflation would--(a fist comes hurtling at his
head from out of frame)--URK!

[Kat now stands over the prone, unconscious form of John Barker, her
fist shaking in Righteous Fury (tm).]

Carrie: (casual) Where did you come from?

Kat: (equally casual) The lunchroom.

[Kat leans up against the wall, mimicking Carrie's position.]

Kat: So what's going on?

Carrie: Axel snapped. (a scared look drifts over her face like a passing
cloud, then departs) They're taking a look at it.

Kat: Oh.

[Now, with two women present here, I could stop to go on about what the
mechanics are doing, talking about them fondling hard nuts and steel
shafts and all that, but I promised I would wait until the next episode
for the lemon action to start, so I'll just stop there.]

[No, really. I'm apologizing, so let's continue.]

[Kat is also adorned in the latest Trench styles, but instead of black,
she's opted for a lovely tan number with a belt and utility straps down
the front. Did I mention that it fits her like a glove, outlining every
curve? I just did? Well, then you haven't missed anything.]

Kat: (out of the blue) So why are you watching them?

Carrie: They roped me into playing detective.

Kat: Shouldn't they call the cops for that?

Carrie: This is NERV, so, no they won't. But security is short-staffed,
and they think this is such a small matter that nobody will handle it.

Kat: But you sufficed.

Carrie: Feh. Something like that.

[One of the mechanics waves Carrie over. Her and Kat get out of their
laid-back positions against the wall and walk over to see what's up. A
short Japanese guy with perfect teeth holds up a short section of
steel--a shaft with pinion gears in each end.]

[Don't start.]

[Carrie talks to the man in Japanese while Kat stands at a distance,
observing.]

Carrie: (to the mechanic, in Japanese) No scorch marks here, either.
Well, pull out the last piece and check it too. How's the casing?

Mechanic: (in Japanese) Clean as the day she was built, which wasn't
that long ago. No sign of tampering from the outside.

Carrie: (in Japanese) Still, if it might be someone in the parts
house....

Mechanic: (in Japanese) Yeah, we'd in the thick of it now. Say, thank
you for your help, ma'am. We're so short-staffed around here--

Carrie: (cutting him off with the wave of her hand) Don't mention it. I
need these rigs to be in top condition too, when it's my butt on the
line out there.

[The tech nods knowingly and sets the part on a nearby sheet, which is
covered in various pieces of the truck's underbody. Carrie and Kat
resume their relaxed poses.]

Kat: What are you looking for?

Carrie: Evidence of tampering, preferably on the original part. These
trucks are so easy to disassemble and reassemble there's no telling who
could mess with them. Still, if the axel itself was damaged, it was
either done to the part during assembly, or by a _very_ skilled worker
who was able to use two floor jacks without getting logged on the
computer.

Kat: Wait a minute. Are you saying they use computer to log who uses the
floor jacks in here?

Carrie: Yes, they do load and performance profiling. Cuts down on
paperwork and inspections, since they know exactly what kind of usage a
given lift has gotten, and what weight has been put on it. And since
it's all computerized, it means less paperwork.

Kat: (disinterested) Okay.

[At their feet, John begins to stir. Kat seizes the opportunity and rams
a boot heel into his groin, silencing him again.]

Carrie: Kat?

Kat: Yes?

Carrie: Why did you pound John when you came in here?

Kat: That jerk shows up from hunting those damn South American Devils
and then ignores me all day! Like I'm some kind of toy! Ugh, the nerve!

[A sweat drop the size of a softball is hanging from the back of Carrie's
head by the end of Kat's tirade.]

Kat: ... I'm sorry, what did you say?

Carrie: Nothing, I was just thinking to myself.

Kat: (suddenly suspicious) Thinking what?

Carrie: (thinking) About what NERV is putting in the water and where I
can get some. (out loud) About how much John is going to be hurting when
he wakes up.

[In unison, Kat and Carrie look down to John, who--thank the Gods--is
presently unconscious. That is a good thing, because Kat is still
standing on the man's neither regions.]

Carrie: Umm... maybe you should get off of him?

Kat: (turning her nose up, but getting off nonetheless) Hmph.

[I know you can twist my words easily, but don't be tempted... please!]

Carrie: There it is again.

Kat: What?

Carrie: That funny noise.

Kat: (listens for a second) Well, I don't hear anything.

Carrie: It's gone already. When I was down in the lower levels, I
stumbled across this room with a label on the door in English.

[Kat motions for Carrie to continue.]

Carrie: It read "The Fourth Wall."

Kat: Ominous. What'd you do?

John: (murmuring, from a better place) Mmphrogggbleoup... Hmmm...

[Eyes swivel to watch him for a second, then retreat to their ordinary
positions.]

Carrie: (continuing) The door was unlocked, so I opened it up and peeked
inside.

Kat: What was there?

Carrie: It was too dark to see anything. I didn't have a flashlight, you
know. I didn't bother to look any closer. Kind of strange.

Kat: (puzzled) Might be a programmer's joke--they're doing a bunch of
work on the security systems or something. All the same, I think I'll
avoid those lower levels for a while. I heard some guy got sucked into a
vent shaft by a giant lizard.

[It is now time for Carrie to boggle.]



[INT. JOHN'S NEW APARTMENT, TOKYO-3 - DAY.]

[An unfurnished but rather nice (and large) apartment greets John as he
comes in the door. The camera follows slightly behind him.]

John: Honey! I'm home! (beat) Oh yeah, I'm not married.

[He turns around and gestures at the empty apartment.]

John: (to audience) And this is my place.

[The crickets cheer.]

John: (to audience) Okay, so I haven't moved in yet.

[He walks into the kitchen. The camera follows. He turns to face the
camera.]

John: What? ... What?

[The camera doesn't go anywhere. John waves the camera away, but it
stays stubbornly in place.]

John: (realizing something) Oh, oh yeah. You're probably wondering just
what is going on around here, right? Well, let me explain as best I
can--without the rant.

John: (resigning himself) Around nineteen eighty-eight, James was
sixteen years old and a sophomore in high school. This was when I met
him. We both lived in this little shit town in southeastern Washington.
Desert basin, bland, dumb-ass population, but home. James had been
studying something important to him for a while, and studying hard. Back
then, he must've figured it out, because he changed quite a bit that
year. I'd say he matured. Any way, apart from the normal high school
dramas, parties, and speeding tickets, things were just as bland in our
last two years of school as they were in the first two. Graduation came,
and we all went our separate ways. Ed became obsessed with being a cop
and started getting involved with some local things. Kat did... well, we
weren't friends; I don't know what she did. Dave, who I didn't know real
well, just disappeared.

John: (walking out on his apartment's balcony) James... he disappeared
too. For six years, I never saw the guy. A few letters here and there,
superficial bullshit. Any way, the year was nineteen ninety-six, and I
was getting tired of living in California. My last boss had dragged me
into a counter fitting operation and a ring of gun runners. Things got
ugly. None of it was my cup of tea. So, I do the dumbest thing in the
history of mankind and go back to the Tri-Cities to touch base.

John: (sighs) And there's James, gunning down terrorists left and right,
Ed's his right hand man, it's all like an early high school reunion,
y'know? ... You don't? Well, it felt like it. James never told me all of
what happened, but I'm guessing he was mistaken for an evil genius and
singled out by the international conspiracy that wanted this evil genius
to work for them and got shafted by the guy. But does James try to
correct them by explaining the mistake? No, he turns on `em, guns
blazing. It turns out he'd become the world's top assassin since high
school, a fuckin' professional.

John: (wanders back inside, the camera panning to keep him in frame) So,
between myself and several other friends of James, we managed to stop
the conspiracy in its tracks. This prick named Takona was running the
show, but _his_ bosses we couldn't touch. The kind of men who live in
shadows, yadda yadda yadda. After a whole bunch of fighting--more than I
cared to be involved in, let me tell you--James managed to get the
conspiracy to stop chasing us and making our lives Hell. Things got back
to normal for a while.

John: (throws himself on a couch in the living room) Then, boom.
September, 2000. Antarctica is destroyed by a massive explosion. The
United Nations would later claim this was the result of a meteor impact,
thus dubbing the event "Second Impact" in reference to a similar
explosion that took place in Siberia a hundred years previous.
Personally, I don't buy the meteorite theory. I think it was a highly
evolved alien intelligence that the Illuminati tried to fuck with and
the idiots got themselves blown up. Probably the same guys that tried to
kill me, James, and our friends a dozen times over back in the last
century. So, anyway, meteor impact. Oceans rise, cities fall, stupidity
survives. As if enough people haven't died already, virtually every
nation on earth claims that some nuclear power did the deed and suddenly
we're in the middle of World War III.

John: (sighs) This is getting a little long for my taste, but we're on
the home stretch. When the war is over in 2002, the death toll from both
the "event" and the resulting war is tallied at 3.7 billion. A treaty is
signed, but in secrecy. A front for the treaty is arranged and presented
for public approval. It is called the Valentine Treaty, as it was
ratified on February 14th. By this time, the real treaty is already in
place. Japan pretty much takes over the UN at this point. In 2003, an
agency of the UN called Gehirn is created to oversee research into a
number of phenomenon. The effects of mankind's new N2 devices, which are
like nuclear weapons, only without the same radioactive fallout, and the
environment effects of Second Impact are the agency's primary areas of
research. On the side, they study the alien life form that briefly
landed on earth, shortly before being apprehended by the JSSDF, which, I
must point out, publically didn't even exist in 2001. See, that's where
I'm getting the feeling that Second Impact was a setup. Gehirn spends
four years and untold billions of dollars doing who-knows-what. To the
public, Gehirn can do no wrong, but that's because the public isn't told
shit about what really goes on there.

[John fumes quietly for a few seconds, wringing his hands together
angrily.]

John: Well, skipping to the end of Gehrin, in 2003 to 2004, the entire
agency is slowly abandoned and a new one is set up in its place. The new
agency: NERV. Kind of weird without that last letter. An immense
underground cavern--called a geo front--is considered for NERV's base of
operations. Before the move is finalized, just last year, if I recall,
the top researcher in Gerhin kills herself. A Dr. Akagi, if my memory
serves me correctly. Terrorist incidents are on the rise as governments
around the world reassert their power. A group of super-corporations are
staying out of these governments' way, but not helping them either, and
that's keeping relations strained. Well, that brings us up to the
present. In order to keep NERV's HQ functioning smoothing, another
metropolis was built on the surface. Here it is (gestures) Tokyo-3.

John: (goes back to the kitchen) So James has pimped us out to NERV to
play security officer. No one has told me shit yet, but I'm guessing the
companies that sprung up after SI to help the world recover are owned by
James and Dave. Those two are in to that kind of thing. Well... Dave is
anyway, James just mostly hurts people. And I want to get back to my
Chipocabra hunting. Okay, that's it; good night!

[The camera fades out as John waves goodbye.]




[Cue Metallica's "Better Than You" faintly in the background as the
narrator's deep, booming voice speaks over the scenes.]

NARRATOR: NEXT TIME, ON SIDESTEP:EVANGELION!

[Scene of a _very_ ugly and _very_ large Shikima bursting out of a
Quick-E-Mart (that's what the sign it's stepping on says).]

NARRATOR: DEMONS TERRORIZE THE POPULACE!!!

[Scene of Miko in battle dress slicing at the same demon with her
sword.]

NARRATOR: THE CITY'S DEFENDERS _LEAP_ INTO ACTION!

[X-rated scene Miko getting the business from another, more human-like
demon with blue skin.]

NARRATOR: AND... UH? WAS THIS SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX IN IT?!

Author: Hmm... good question. Well, I can ask for a vote.

NARRATOR: WILL THE NEXT EPISODE BE RATED `X' AND FEATURE THE MALE AND
FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE CAST DOING THE NASTY IN TOKYO-3? FIND OUT IN THE
NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF... SIDESTEP:EVANGELION!


                           [Ending credits:]

Ranting, Sidestep, lots of other stuff:
	Jared Waddell, HQ

Consulting:
	Insanity Productions Staff
	The Fan Fiction Mailing List

Remarks:
	John Genoni, Pullman Branch

Making Remarks:
	Andy Mucha, Kennewick Bunker

Miko Mido is from 'La Blue Girl'.

Tokyo-3 and all things and characters present regarding Eva are from
Neon Genesis: Evangelion.

No copyright infringement is intended. This work is copyrighted but
non-profit.

All other characters, unless noted, are copyright Insanity Productions.

Original characters created by Insanity Productions may be used in freely
in other non-profit works.

Special effects provided by Insanity Productions Technical Department.

And thank you, the reader, for reading.


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