Winter... the immaculate symbol of death.
I want to become winter... yet...
Am I so feeble?
Am I so powerful?
Am I really a nonentity?
Must I perjure?
There is a great deal of frailty in me.
So much abhorrence and fury.
So much hurt,
Yet so little.
In the depths of despair
So close yet so distant
Within range, in the vicinity
Yet deplorable
Unable to harm the others
Diminish into the background
Another apparition as you stride by
Nothing of significance
Mortality is tacit
And so tempting
However I am a coward.
When does it come to an end?
Where do I?
Am I here at this point?
Right at this time, right at the present?
Or am I no more?
Do you comprehend?
Do I?
Can you bring me back?
Can anyone?
Is it too late?
Someone tell me...
Is it too late?!
Let me now become winter.
_________________________________________________
Shonen
A Yuyu Hakusho fic
By Chester Casta�eda
gab_ab@edsamail.com.ph
http://www.geocities.com/gabriel_abdiel/fanfiction.htm
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=814171
http://rakhal.com/florestica/abdiel
http://www.geocities.com/ex_fuk/shonen
It is the end of the beginning of the end.
A few more notes before proceeding:
< > indicates character thoughts
" " indicates character speech
_________________________________________________
Chapter 13: Winter
_________________________________________________
He heard them. Voices... voices from the hallway.
"Whatever happened to that Ohya chick? You know, the cute girl with
glasses? The one who made the Fashion Club VP give us all a free show?"
'Ohya chick?' Were they talking about his sempai? He didn't know
any other female by that name... but he couldn't be too sure in any
case.
"Yeah... I'm still wondering how she did that... rip a girl's
clothes to shreds, I mean. That'd be real cool. Hehehehe."
"You pervert! Get your mind out of the gutter! I bet you've never
seen a naked woman outside of a magazine centerfold!"
He didn't understand a word they were saying, but he still listened
intently to their weird conversation... just because... just in case....
"I heard she was a practitioner of Black Magic."
"Oh please... now you're sounding like one of those geeks from the
Paranormal Club."
Perhaps it wasn't his sempai after all... they couldn't possibly be
talking about the Midori Ohya that he knew.
"Well, I for one think that it's yet another case of Chiho Sasae
and her Legion swallowing a victim whole... I bet her father, the
principal, has something to do with it. Bitch."
So Chiho Sasae had something to do with this other Ohya person. No,
it still couldn't be his sempai... Midori was Chiho's best friend. Chiho
would never hurt a best friend of hers.
"Oh puh-lease... where's your proof? For a guy, you sure have an
awful lot of interest in rumor mongering."
"You really are antagonistic, aren't you?"
Yes... they were probably just that... rumors. Just rumors... there
was no truth in them.
"One thing is for sure... she's definitely not coming back to Meiou
anytime soon."
Not just rumors... they were outright lies!
"Damn shame. She was real cute for a nerd."
And so Shigeru Amano ran across the hallway... away from those
damned, insensitive voices.
***
"I can't believe Midori-chan's parents did that to her, and for
such a minor offense! To humiliate their only daughter like that...
it's totally unforgivable!" Ayame ranted irritably as she fussed over
her handbag's contents. "And I don't understand how they could have
found out about that incident with Misami. After everything we've done
to cover it up...."
"Midori-chan came clean. She told her parents everything," Chiho
straightforwardly stated, cutting-off Ayame at mid-tirade. "I should
know... I asked Midori-chan herself before she was transferred to
another school."
Ayame simply stared at her friend, dumbfounded, before she
exclaimed, "Why would she want to do that? After all that we've done for
her? She knows that her parents are incredibly strict... so what the
hell possessed her to do that?"
Chiho shrugged nonchalantly. "Well, I can't blame you for your
ignorance of Midori-chan's personality quirks, since you've only known
her since High School, but I'll have you know that she isn't all just
sugar and spice. She has this messianic complex that compels her to
become... a willing victim at times. A martyr, if you will. That's just
the way she is."
Ayame crossed her arms and pouted at her friend. "Well... fine.
Whatever. But it still doesn't excuse her parents from doing what they
did. Sending Midori to a private school just when she's about to
graduate from Meiou? Talk about overreacting! They totally blew the
situation out of proportion! The punishment didn't fit the crime!
They--" Ayame halted her impassioned speech for the second time as she
saw Chiho shake her head. "What?!"
"I also understand her parent's position. Like I said before, there
are a lot of things you don't know about Midori-chan."
The former girl of dreams fumed as she held Chiho by the shoulders
in frustration. "Do you really have to cut me off every other sentence?
I thought we already made up! Will you stop being so... catty?!"
Chiho flippantly tossed her hair, smoothing her uniform as she gave
her excitable friend a pointed glare. "Don't be so uptight, Aya-chan.
I'm just putting things in the proper perspective... Midori-chan's
parents aren't exactly the villains of the story."
The side-burned girl adamantly crossed her arms again. "I don't
understand why you're defending them and what they did. How could you?"
Chiho again shook her head in dismay, which further infuriated her
impetuous companion. "That's your problem. You're always so
shortsighted and bullheaded. You don't see the big picture... you always
have your head above the clouds."
"You have a way with words yourself... trying to pick another fight
with me?" Ayame retorted, her arms still crossed. She then sighed.
"Okay, fine... I'm listening. What gives?" she relented.
"This isn't the first time Midori-chan's parents 'punished'
her like that," Chiho informed, accompanying the statement with
her habitual finger-wagging. "But it's not exactly... unwarranted. For
one thing, Midori-chan wasn't exactly a saint during Junior High."
"What happened during her Junior High years?" Ayame concernedly
inquired, her curiosity piqued. Wont as she to admit it, there really
was very little she knew of her bespectacled friend of three years.
"Don't tell me that a Misami-like incident actually happened before!"
Chiho simply nodded. "Midori-chan was a... 'brooder' before, for
lack of a better term. She didn't have that many friends. She and I...
talked, but it was more out of courtesy as seatmates than anything
else." The flamboyant girl then bit her lip. "She was also a bit of a
problem child. Not one of our classmates really wanted to talk to her
because... they were afraid of her. What happened to Misami was mild
compared to what happened in Junior High."
Ayame wanted to exclaim to Chiho, "Cut to the chase! What happened
during Junior High!?" but the words died in her mouth as she felt the
palpable atmosphere of seriousness in the air. The auburn-haired girl
then merely nodded for Chiho to continue.
"A popular group of girls in our junior high class... bitchy
girls... used to tease Midori-chan a lot. But there was this one very
nasty incident where the leader of the group embarrassed Midori-chan in
front of the whole class while she was reciting in front. It was a
mostly juvenile act, and I don't even remember the exact details of what
happened, but at that one time I've never seen Midori-chan so furious
and mortified. The next thing everyone knew, the girl was already
convulsing, frothing in the mouth and sweating blood. She was rushed to
the hospital afterwards... until now doctors are still baffled with what
really happened to her."
Pausing a bit to close Ayame's agape mouth by cupping her hand over
the former girl of dream's chin, Chiho then continued, "She was
transferred to another school the year after. The school administration
never suspected Midori-chan of anything, but everyone who saw what
happened knew better. More importantly, Midori-chan's parents knew
better. They made Midori quit school that very same year, despite of her
high academic marks and her clean record since the school didn't blame
her for the incident and everything."
"Wow," Ayame stated as she let the popular girl's words sink in,
"I never realized that the Ohya family had it tough. Midori-chan's
problem... how...?"
"I'm not completely sure what Midori-chan's folks did to solve
her... little problem. I certainly can't judge them on their decisions.
In fact, I just have no idea, Aya-chan. No idea whatsoever."
"I see," Ayame merely replied in kind.
The two girls just walked silently in the halls for a while,
hurrying just a little bit after hearing the school chime rang just a
few minutes later.
Ayame then suddenly paused a bit as she stopped in the middle of
her stride. Not seeing that coming, Chiho uncharacteristically bumped
awkwardly into her transfixed friend's back.
"Hey...! What gives? We're already late for class.... and while
there's such a thing as fashionably late, if you don't get your butt
into gear, we'll be totally...."
"Chiho..." Ayame quietly said, cutting-off Chiho for a change
instead of the other way around. "It's... it's Midori-chan's friend!
It's that little boy she always hangs out with!" she exclaimed, pointing
at the young boy standing ten feet away from them and staring wistfully
at the stairs leading to the building's roof deck.
"You mean Minamino-sama's little admirer?" Chiho queried, blinking.
"What about him?"
Ayame paused for a bit before replying, "Don't you see the look he
has on his face? He still hasn't heard about what happened to
Midori-chan! He's probably going back to the roof deck again and again
just to see her, not knowing anything at all! He needs to know!"
"Aya-chan, you know I'm just saying this strictly because you're,
like, my friend and all, so... mind your own business," Chiho retorted,
frustrated at how juvenile her impulsive friend was acting. "We have
more important things to worry about... like, oh, I don't know...
getting to the Physics Lab before we serve bucket duty again?"
"Fine! You go on right ahead," Ayame resolutely said as she
advanced toward the direction of Minamino's so-called Little Admirer.
"I have to tell him, Chiho... he's a great friend of Midori-chan's. He
deserves to know."
***
Winter... the immaculate symbol of death.
I want to become winter... yet...
Am I so feeble?
Am I so powerful?
Am I really a nonentity?
Must I perjure?
There is a great deal of frailty in me.
So much abhorrence and fury.
So much hurt,
Yet so little.
***
It was a white, cold and empty world. It was the first day of
winter, after all... the winter break had finally come. It was supposed
to be a joyful occasion in retrospect... it was, in any case, the last
class of the year. Typically, not a soul was in sight... the numerous
shoe-prints on the snow-encrusted school grounds highlighted the fact.
Having wandered around aimlessly inside the school campus while
outright skipping all of his classes for the entire day, Shigeru felt as
if he was at a complete and total loss with what was going on with the
world at large.
The ring of the final bell continued to echo inside Shigeru's mind,
but he still would not leave.
Not that it would actually make any difference if he left or not,
nor would it make any difference if there were people inside Meiou High
or not... it was still a white, cold and empty world regardless. He
didn't exist to them, and they didn't exist to him. Perhaps he should
have been the 'invisible boy' to Midori's 'invisible girl.'
"Midori-sempai."
It was such a simple name... a simple address.
His eyes looked bleak... tiny pinpoints of light shone on the
blackened orbs. He stared at his near-surreal surroundings numbly. He
wanted to cry, but no tears came, so he cried in the inside... and it
hurt so much... too much... just to do so.
He had a million 'why' questions in his head, all centering around
one topic... but he did not air even one question, nor did he dare to
address that one topic. <No... I can't. It hurts me too much.>
The young man felt helpless, afraid, lost... but most of all he
felt lonely. It was an inky-black feeling that has him teetering at the
very edge of his sanity... such a raw and powerful emotion it was,
indeed.
The pain and depression he suffered from was unbearable... it
wasn't an excruciating hurt that rendered all human thought inert
because of the ferocity of his pain and suffering. It was something
completely different.
This is the sort of pain that numbs and stings you, like
frostbite... it gnaws at your very bones until your whole body rots and
disintegrates... but you're too anesthetized to actually feel it. That
was the pain he was suffering from... it was a pain he cannot feel,
but it still hurt.
Real, tangible pain was more bearable than this... it was more
pleasurable, in some cases... in fact, burning, seething pain was
infinitely more desirable than the cold and numbing ache he felt right
now.
He wanted the burning pain.
He espied his surroundings warily as he made his way inside the
still open Science and Technology building. Seeing that the coast was
clear, he then proceeded to an empty laboratory at the ground floor
where he found a convenient dark corner to crouch upon as he wallowed in
his self pity.
As he went into a fetal position, several thoughts entered his
head... thoughts that completely contradicted his intentions. <I
shouldn't do this. This is wrong. Somebody... anybody... please stop
me.>
Over and over these thoughts reverberated in his brain as he took
out a small, nondescript razor and cut himself.
His breath soon came in quick gasps as he extricated the remnants
of an old plaster strip from his other wrist. His heartbeat went wild
as he reopened the old wound... pulse and breath began to coincide in
one ghastly harmony as the trickle of blood began to get thicker and
redder by the minute, his cold and numbed hand feeling the warmth of his
own blood.
"Please... somebody... stop me," Shigeru whispered as his eyelids
soon began to grow heavy. He shook his head as if to clear it, wiping
the thick, red blood from his wrist with his fingers.
Soon, his mind traveled to another place... another time. The past
mingled with the present as the future continued to be absent in his
psyche.
***
In the depths of despair
So close yet so distant
Within range, in the vicinity
Yet deplorable
Unable to harm the others
Feelings scuttle by
Nothing can be detained
Ache indescribable
Isolation overwhelming
Unsociable I shall continue to be
Hang on to the devil at bay
Allow nobody to hold the torch
Diminish into the background
Another apparition as you stride by
Nothing of significance
Mortality is tacit
And so tempting
However I am a coward.
***
The buzz of the fire alarm awoke the whole Kino Junior High
campus one sleepy spring day.
"Ok, class... fire alarm drills. You all know what to do... move
it, move it!"
Shigeru excitedly went along with the drill... he was even the
first one in the line... but his classmates then made two lines of their
own away from the young boy instead of lining up behind him. He quickly
went to one of the other two lines in haste.
People began to sneak away from him as they went to their
respective groups... some even went to the other line outright in
avoidance of him. He just bowed his head in shame as he made his way in
front, his heart caught in his throat.
Murmurs of "Make way for Shinko-chan," surrounded the piteous boy.
He wanted to ignore the jeers, but he just couldn't help himself... he
heard it anyway. Present ridicule was soon mixed with his remembrances
of past hecklings he went through for most of his life.
"It's the crybaby. He's probably going to cry again."
"Hey, look... it's the little girl."
"What a fag. He should go line up with the girls."
"Ew! Don't even joke about that!"
The lines soon began moving, with Shigeru right at the back, a
large gap between him and the second to the last person readily
apparent.
"Amano Shigeru... I said go form two lines with your other
classmates. Stop wandering around and line up already!" his teacher
strictly scolded.
"But I am lined up, ma'am," Shigeru weakly protested.
"Never mind... will you stop and listen for once? And go to the
front, you're the smallest one."
"B-but ma'am..." Shigeru feebly implored, shifting his weight from
one foot to the other.
"And I mean _now_, Shigeru-kun," his teacher said in a stern voice,
allowing no room for any contestation nor disavowal.
Head hung low, Shigeru did what he was told to, a rising anxiety
slowly churning from inside of him. <No... you don't understand,
ma'am... they will... they will....>
As soon as Shigeru finally made it to the front of the lines, his
discomfort grew to incredible proportions... the laughing sounds from
his back compounded that anxiety. He wanted to look behind him to see if
any of the bullies were putting derogatory notes on his back... or
worse. His ears picked up each and every little snicker and guffaw...
unsure whether or not the mirth derived from the miscellaneous chortle
was at his expense. The laughter grew.
Something was wrong... he just knew it.
Daring to peek even a little at his back... wishing heartily
that, even at the cost of finding a humiliating note on his back,
someone was still behind him.
There was no note on his back... unfortunately, nor were there
people behind him.
All of his classmates, huddled together at the other line, burst
into a single, jocular laughter upon seeing Shigeru realize his
mortifying state. Mockery and ridicule soon followed, each and every
word heard by the young boy's sensitive ears and equally sensitive
heart.
Shigeru couldn't help himself... he simply cried then and there.
The jeers and taunts merely grew in volume as the boy sobbed
loudly. The more he cried, the more he was taunted, which made him
cry even more... it was a vicious cycle that finally culminated to a
humiliating display of his own wretchedness as he flailed his arms
wildly and thrashed about in an attempt to stop all the heckling
somehow.
He was officially branded as a freak and a weirdo that fateful day.
It was probably the worst day of his life. He really did want to
die then and there.
Later that inauspicious day, inside one of the bathroom stalls,
Shigeru's wish almost came true as he slit his wrists for the first
time.
***
Where does it come to an end?
Where do I?
Am I here at this point?
Right at this time, right at the present?
Or am I no more?
Do you comprehend?
Do I?
The blood trickles down.
Slit your wrist
Slash your arm
Cut your leg
Rip apart the flesh
Skin that holds you together
Tear it apart
See the blood
Your bones
Your essence
See it escape the wound
You're cleansed
Pain subsides
You'll stop tomorrow
You promise
You know it's a lie
You're addicted.
***
Kurama's eyes widened... bewilderment, confusion and a whole other
menagerie of feelings and emotions engulfing him as he woke up from his
latest indistinct... and mostly imageless... dream.
Kurama rested his face on his hands while putting his elbows on
his knees. He was mystified beyond mere uncertainty. His face was etched
with utter puzzlement he struggled to catch up with his breath. <That
was... different.>
Kurama's past dreams... or rather, his take on the dreams of Ayame
and Chiho... were fantasies with rather vivid images and visions of his
classmates' wishes and fancy. His latest dreams... dreams that were
thankfully not his own nor his alter ego's... were far more loquacious
than visceral... more symbolic than literal.
They were dreams composed of words, not images... making it all the
more harder for him to comprehend the dreams' supposed meanings. <It'll
certainly be much more easier to understand once I figure out Chuuku's
intentions.>
A gust of cold wind suddenly caressed the half-youko's face. His
grassy-green eyes lighted up as a small snowflake gently landed on his
face, melting like a tear on his cheek.
<Ah... so it looks like it's going to snow hard later,> he reckoned
to himself as he brushed away the moist remnants of the snowflake.
<It's getting late... kaasan will be worried if I don't get
home soon, especially with this kind of weather we're having. I better
get home now... the train station is only a block away, after all.>
A gentle sprinkle of snow began to waltz all around Kurama... it
was a beautiful yet heartbreaking dance. <So here it is... the first day
of winter,> the kitsune surmised as he willed himself to move amidst the
melancholic spectacle.
Kurama took one last look at the waltzing pinpoints of white before
hurrying towards the train station, a forgotten urgency nagging him
inside.
***
Someone save me.
Is it too late?
Can I not seek redemption?
Can I get better?
What's wrong?
Everything.
Nothing.
It's all so simple,
But too complex.
Can I survive here?
Can I survive now?
Survive what?
I'm so normal,
But such a freak.
Am I too frightened?
Am I just a coward?
Must I lie to myself?
WHAT DO I FEEL?
Grampa, I'm sick.
How can you not see?
Grampa, I'm so sick.
Grampa, I have bad thoughts.
Make them go away.
Make them go away!
***
"Grampa! Grampa! Why do they hate me so much? Why do they always
want to hurt me, to make fun of me? I never did anything to them! Is it
because I look like girl? Is it because I always act like a sissy, like
they say? Is it because I don't deserve to live since I'm so weak?"
The world, child, is harsh and cruel. A place without reason to the
innocent... a place where the small, the helpless, the pure are soiled
and ruined. But these things you are coming to understand, yet do not
let it doom your sweet soul... your divine spirit, the flawless heavenly
spark that makes you special.
"Why don't they like me for what I am? Am I that despicable to
them? Am I that pitiful? Should I just disappear? My heart is empty,
grampa... you're the only one I have, grampa...."
Hush, child... you are also special to me. You're a rough diamond,
a veritable magnificent star that has fallen from the azure halls of
Heaven itself. But a rough diamond must be tempered by pressure before
its true beauty arises... a star is most beautiful when it streaks
across the sky in a blaze of glory.
"Can I never belong with anyone, grampa? Am I only a joke to other
people? Someone to be laughed at and ridiculed... mocked, and in the
end, forgotten? What am I to them, grampa? What are they to me... how
could they hurt me so much like this? Why do I feel so empty inside?"
Can you not see that this is all for the best, child? Can you not
see that all this trials and tribulations will ultimately turn you into
the brilliant, diamond star you were meant to be?
"Grampa, can't you hear me?"
Child... can't you?
***
Is this true?
Or just a fantasy?
Make it real.
Must I live in dreams?
Can starkness go so far?
Could I feel this way?
Have I lost my mind?
I'm not, I'm not.
I don't feel that way.
Not about that.
Who am I?
Who am I?
Who am I?
Do you know?
Of course not.
Does she?
Who's she?
Can I tell her?
***
How easily an innocent child's hurt is forgotten... with the mere
magic of something so simple as a shooting star.
Especially when it falls directly into your life.
What is it child? What wonderful something is this? Perhaps it's
something an angel tossed aside for a frightened little one like you to
find?
***
"Class recitation... Amano Shigeru."
Shigeru weakly raised his hand in trepidation. He was put in the
spotlight again... something which he hated very, very much. He could
almost feel the dozens of prodding, jeering eyes, inspecting his every
move, waiting for him to do that one single mistake that they could
use to humiliate him with for weeks on end.
His first day in Meiou High, and already things were going awry.
Then came the murmurs... hundreds of nasty, hissing whispers that
threatened to engulf him in a wave of panic and indignity... no, he just
could not take it.
"Ma'am, I..." he started, choking in the middle of his planned,
half-baked excuse to go to the bathroom. The subsequent laughter
followed. His cheeks turned beet red in embarrassment as memories of
similar incidents flooded his mind. How he wished that the ground would
suddenly open up and swallow him whole then and there, just to escape
the mortifying scene that was sure to follow.
And then suddenly, his teacher smiled beatifically, encouragingly
at Shigeru, discreetly shushing the rest of the class as she motioned
for the boy to continue.
"Don't be shy, Shigeru-kun... it's a simple question."
The young lad gulped. His heart was still palpitating, but this
time it was not out of panic. His cheeks were still flushed but it was
not out of chagrin. He was feeling... something different.
He could not remember the question his teacher asked nor the
subsequent answer he gave for the life of him... but he would always
remember her encouraging smile, her reddish hair and her shining,
emerald eyes.
"Very good, Shigeru-kun... very good."
'Shigeru-kun'? Not one person had ever called him that. He
beamed upon hearing the warm and polite address. 'Shigeru-kun'... he
liked the sound of sound of that.
For Shigeru, such kindness was like an oasis amidst the dryness of
the desert he called life. He more than welcomed the sweet, refreshing
and thirst-quenching praise this kind person offered him wholeheartedly,
without any hesitation whatsoever... not wanting to let go of the
wonderful feeling he now had in his heart.
Shigeru looked at the name neatly written on the blackboard. What a
wonderful name it was.
"Arigato, Minami-sensei!" he said, bowing low in reverence to his
special star. Yumi Minami... what a wonderful name it was indeed.
***
See how this star shines for you, child... see how it sparkles and
twinkles for you. And it is now your own special star, a gift from the
heavens themselves.
Perhaps when people see you with this star, then they will know
that you are also God's child and they will like you... love you.
***
<They say that if you're able to make a thousand of these, it would
become a symbol of undying... affection. Well, only seven-hundred and
twenty-eight to go....>
Shigeru tucked several clumps of small paper cranes inside his
pants' pockets, whistling a merry tune as he made his way out of the
room after another wondrous meeting in the Speech and Debate club.
How he loved the Speech and Debate club. Each meeting made his
heart flutter because every meeting opened yet another opportunity to
see the kind, gentle and caring club moderator, Yumi Minami.
Not that he didn't see her every other day anyway... she was also,
after all, his teacher for Japanese Literature. He just couldn't explain
it... somehow, in the short span of just a few weeks in Meiou High, this
heavenly angel had changed his life for the better... in more ways than
one, at that.
For one thing, he had now become a voracious reader and writer of
both prose and poetry... he never realized that he had a natural knack
in literature as a whole. It was like a dam has been broken; releasing a
flood of creative thought... many people never thought he had it in him.
But perhaps it wasn't really that much of a surprise... after all,
it was painfully obvious who his muse really was... the unreachable
ideal, the dancing faerie in glass, the Immaculate Goddess... Yumi
Minami was Shigeru's endless inspiration.
And now, after many months of waiting, Shigeru Amano was soon about
to give his very special star a token of his affection and appreciation.
<Just wait and see, Minami-sensei... I'll have those paper cranes ready
before your birthday.>
Shigeru was no fool, though... he knew that any sort of intimate
relationship between him and his teacher was laughable at best... but it
didn't hurt that he really, really admired her, right? He still wanted
his feelings to be known and, somehow through this hopefully mutual...
understanding, they would grow as close as only two best friends could
be.
Now if only he could only get through his damnable fear of rejection
and humiliation....
Hours passed... and so did Shigeru's opportunities to reveal his
true feelings to his beloved. Fear gripped him many times... for one
things, there was the fact that Minami was seemingly beginning to
distance herself from him... he wasn't completely sure if it was just
his own paranoia or an actuality. At times, he didn't want to know if
it was true or not.
But it was really beginning to worry him.
Little things like her near-constant absences and her "being too
busy" or "not at home" when he called at her house planted the seeds of
doubt in his fragile little heart of glass. Then there was the fact that
he didn't know how to go about 'courting' her since he didn't know a
thing about courting women... but that was such a silly thought, since
he wasn't really courting her, was he?
Things were getting really, really complicated at the time he
didn't know whether he was being too overwhelming with his affections or
if he was being needlessly callous as he intentionally distanced himself
from Minami from time to time whenever he felt that he had offended her
somehow with his constant naggings.
Then there was the fact that he didn't want his classmates to
know... he already felt pathetic enough as is with his current
situation, so he definitely did not need the reiteration of the fact
from his supposed peers. So he couldn't possibly proclaim his love in
front of the whole class which unfortunately was where his beloved
teacher usually was.
Things dragged on until the school dismissal and still nothing
happened... he suffered immensely from complete and total uncertainty
and self-doubt. He had fears of all forms and kinds haunting him to no
end. He heard whispers and murmurs whenever he tried to approach
Minami... perhaps they already know about everything, and they were
merely being secretive about it, so that he'd look like a bigger fool
than he already was.
Then came dismissal time... his one last chance.
Paranoia filled his palpitating little heart as he struggled to
approach his goddess standing from afar, in all her lonesome in the
empty hallways of Meiou High.
Maybe he should have brought a present of her liking? He couldn't
possibly show her the unfinished paper cranes... it was a surprise for
her birthday. Perhaps chocolates would be a better present... or flowers
of some sort? No, that would have given her the wrong impression... all
he wanted was for her and him to be... closer. That wasn't a bad thing
now, was it?
He went closer to Minami's vicinity, basking in her natural
radiance and warmth. Courage did not fail him this time as he saw the
familiar, encouraging smile she wore during the first time he and she
met... their 'special time' during his first day in Meiou.
Unfortunately, he was about to find out that Minami's smile wasn't
for him at all. It was never for him, and it could never be his. That
smile was for another person altogether.
That man... that man just a few yards away from the beauteous
apparition... a man who wasn't much to look at in the first place...
reflected Minami's... _his_ Minami's... smile.
From the very twinkle of their eyes to the ecstatic expressions
on their faces... everything was reflected upon each other.
Shigeru desperately hid behind a tree, crumpling the paper cranes
inside his pockets as he watched the two talked shyly and tentatively
to each other.
The boy now felt so very embarrassed... so very mortified. But it
was an altogether different kind of humiliation. He already knew about
that man... somehow. He already knew that Minami has some sort of
significant other. He already knew that it would come to this... that
was why he kept on emphasizing "the closest of friends" mantra at the
back of his mind.
It shouldn't matter, should it? So what if his special muse already
had a special someone of her own? All he ever wanted was for him to be
somebody special to her as well... was that too much to ask? Nothing had
changed, hadn't it? After all, they could still be close friends despite
of all this, right?
And then the couple discreetly, tentatively yet undeniably kissed.
It was a brief, fluttery kiss... but it was such a grand gesture
nonetheless.
Shigeru then ran away... as he always did in life.
It shouldn't hurt as much as it did now, should it?
He was just a fool... the biggest fool.
***
Unfortunately, child... someone had already stolen that star from
you... and it sparkles the same way to him as it does to you. The star
was never your own, child... it shines for one and only one person...
and it is not you.
Cry, child cry. How tragic this life is. Sometimes, poor child,
that's all there is left to do... cry.
***
Shigeru walked through the halls of Meiou, his eyes raw and red.
He felt so ashamed for breaking down like that... he just couldn't
help himself. That was always his excuse... he just couldn't help
himself.
Empty... he felt so empty inside... and he didn't know what to do
about it. Though school was already over, he still didn't feel like
going home. His parents were already used to seeing their son come home
late, even though Meiou was just a few blocks away from their residence.
It was mostly due to his frequent talks with Minami, usually.
<No... no more... I don't want to think about that.>
That thought was mostly blocked from his numbed mind as he trudged
on the empty hallways... hallways that reflected his present state of
being.
Empty... that was the present state of the classroom he currently
occupied. Let the custodian come and shoo him away... he didn't
particularly care. He wallowed in his own lethargic, apathetic state in
the darkness of the room. Everything was so quiet that he could hear
himself breath. Absolutely no one was there.
Now was the perfect opportunity for him to return to his old
vice... his old addiction.
He opened his leather bag and gingerly took out a small razor from
pencil case. How long had it been since his last time? He couldn't
remember. He couldn't care less. His heavy heart palpitated to new life
as he prepared to cut open his scarred wrist.
He then threw the razor away in complete disgust. Not even the
simple joy of self-mutilation sated his depression. It seemed that
nothing ever will... not after the foolishness with Minami.
<No more! Please, no more! I don't want to think about that
anymore!>
Perhaps a more permanent solution was in order? Maybe it would be
best if he became invisible forever.... "I am nothing... I am
invisible..." he whispered to himself over and over.
"Invisible? Nonsense, I can see you just fine!"
Shigeru let out a yelp of surprise as he wildly swung his head
towards the origin of the mischievous statement. "W-what? Who's there?!"
The... person in front of him let out a hearty laugh. "I heard a
noise in the hallway, and I had to check it out. I didn't know that
there were still students inside the school campus during these hours.
I'm truly sorry to have intruded with... whatever it was that you were
doing."
Curiously enough, the person who said those words was none other
than Shigeru's beloved teacher, Minami... sporting what appeared to be
the designated male uniform.
He must have gone insane.
Not once in his life did he imagine his teacher as a cross-dresser.
Perhaps it was a wild fetish she and her boyfriend shared? He didn't
want to know. No, this was silly... this was obviously a perverted
hallucination of some sort that sprung from his extreme depression.
Yes, that made perfect sense.
Perhaps addressing the strange vision would make it disappear
somehow, he reckoned. "Anooo... Minami..." he started.
"Yes, that's my name," the weird Minami doppelganger said in what
seemed to Shigeru as an low, effeminate voice. "Minamino Shuichi...
nice to meet you. How'd you know my name? Have you heard of me before?"
From here the memories end... from here the crystal clarity of the
jagged glass shards of reality surface.
***
Shigeru smiled weakly in his reminiscence. Minamino... the puzzle,
the enigma, the friend... Meiou High's most infamous student. His
red-haired upperclassman acquaintance was the very epitome of
perfection... perfection which he himself wanted to achieve.
Even after the humorous and awkward meeting, Shigeru found Minamino
as one of the few people who could really understand him in the sense
that they had a very similar mindset and outlook on life.
Minamino Shuichi... he who second-guessed everything he did, just
like the way Shigeru did. For example, Minamino had a tendency to give
some of his admirers "false hope" under the pretense of "not being
ready yet" or "just being friends" because he didn't want to be
decisive in the sense that he might actually hurt somebody's feelings
in the process. His indecisiveness may stretch for months, even years
on end, all because he was just 'too nice.'
Shigeru could appreciate such indecisiveness... he himself had that
sort of messianic complex, which was why he was taken advantage of a lot
most of his life.
But Minamino... no one could take advantage of Minamino. Even
though he was so nice, he was also very smart and very cool. He knew
when to be assertive, and always he did things on principle, not just
to show off and some such. He could be very stubborn, adamant, even
intimidating at times. He knew when he had to stand up for himself,
despite... or maybe because of... his loving and innocent heart.
Minamino was everything Shigeru wanted to become and more. Yet....
It was a silly loss, really... a very silly loss in the sense that
Shigeru never really lost anything.
Minamino was a dear companion... so much so that people had begun
to label him as 'Minamino's little admirer,' but Shigeru and Minamino
were never really close. Sure, the senior was nice to the young lad...
but he also nice to everybody else in Meiou... even those who were
outside campus. He was nice and friendly to everybody, period.
This saintly person practically adored his mother, a single parent,
and was openly amicable and charitable to everyone... everybody was his
equal in his eyes.
Minamino's amiability made Shigeru feel special once and only
once... during the time they first met in that empty classroom after
the young boy 'lost' his supposed 'first love.' But ever since the
fifteen year old noticed that it was not really a special kindness,
he felt a great loss again.
But it was silly and trivial still.
Then there was Minamino's constant absences... it was hard to get
close to someone who wasn't there most of the time....
But he was still one of Minamino's consistent acquaintances,
right? It was very, very silly for him to demand a closer bond of
friendship from Minamino, wasn't it? After all, friendship was not
forced, it was given.
It was really silly indeed... almost as ridiculous as the loss as
his grampa... he was so assured of having this special someone to
always be there, taking them for granted until it was too late.
He was indeed a fool.
Shigeru unceremoniously climbed up the stairs leading to the roof
deck in slow, heavy steps. Another memory was waiting for him beyond
that closed door... but he let himself wallow in the memory of his
foolishness first.
***
"What is it, Shigeru-kun?" Shigeru's 'sempai' said as he presented
his carefully crafted masterpiece. Minamino's beatific smile was always
cheerful, open and friendly... just like his beloved teacher's smile.
"I wrote you a poem, Minamino-sempai!" the young lad cheered, his
face beaming like the moon.
"What's it about, Shigeru-kun?" Minamino asked, seemingly
intrigued and touched by the gesture. "It's certainly not my birthday,
and there seems to be no particular special occasion today that comes
to mind. What is this for?"
"Oh nothing. It ain't particularly about you... I just wanted to
share... between friends..." the young boy said shyly. "It's about...
just read it..."
"Ok."
Minamino carefully unfolded the piece of paper, a curious
expression on his face.
Shigeru really hoped that Minamino would like the poem. It was
his labor of love, a poem which he gave great consideration in writing.
He was careful with every stroke... after all, it wasn't just any poem.
The lad knew the lines from heart, and recited them in his mind
in cadence with Minamino's mouthing of the words.
It was numbing... as if from a dream
You're suppose to feel something
Yet deep inside you feel nothing
It's all unsettling and confusing
It's as if you're from a distance
As if you're protecting yourself
>From a world of pain and suffering
Making the calm all the more unsettling
Through the daze, unbidden it comes
Silly questions came... ironic ones
Silly because it's all so ridiculous
Ironic because its silliness hurts
We cover up, one way or another
A mask of courage over a vulnerable face
A facade daunting over the grievance
Tears run below this constructed mask
Or instead, you let yourself feel the pain...
Of course it will come, sooner or later
It's a wound, bleeding. Continuously.
No word of comfort can appease it, once it's
there.
"Minamino-sempai? Was it that _bad_?" Shigeru said disjointedly.
With the weird and unreadable look on Minamino's face, he wasn't sure
what was on the older boy's mind.
"It was... beautiful. I don't know what else to say about it.
You're a gifted poet. Thank you for sharing that," Minamino said,
his angelic smile becoming more genuine, if that was possible.
"WA-I! SEMPAI!!!" Shigeru cheered. Minamino was always so nice.
Then, for whatever reason, he turned to leave... but not without some
parting words first.
"The poem... it was for my grampa. He just died a-and I didn't know
what to do. I wrote it during my spare time. I know I could trust you
with it, sempai."
Of course he could trust Minamino with it... Minamino was nice
to everyone, after all.
In retrospect, it would seem that it wasn't just his grandfather
who was a silly loss.
It was really, really silly of him... the biggest fool. He was such
a fool indeed to look up to someone who didn't even give a damn about
him and his personal affairs. It was foolish of him to think that he was
friends with this metaphor, this archetype... this unreachable ideal
which he was never close with in the first place. That was what Minamino
was to Shigeru... not a person, but just the idealistic concept of one.
Shigeru always felt that even though he knew of Minamino, he could
never really know the true Minamino... as if _that_ concept was far
beyond the grasp of his mind. He was but a mere outsider in Minamino's
World.
He always did lose things he never really had.
***
Kurama's eyes widened, but this time it was not out of shock and
confusion, but instead of realization.
<Those dreams... those dreams belong to Shigeru-kun!> Kurama
assessed just as he paid for a train ticket to Shimizu.
"Hey! Mister, you forgot your ticket and change! Where are you
going?"
Kurama didn't even hear the cry of the ticket lady as he quickly
xited the train station, with only one thought in mind.
<I have to get back to Meiou... Shigeru's life might be in danger!>
***
He had one last memory... one last reminiscence before his own
bereavement.
A name, an address, a recollection and a dream... these were
acceptable as his final thoughts after all.
Shigeru Amano, for no rhyme or reason, smiled sadly at the dancing
flakes up in the sky before he looked down the pavement from his vantage
point of nine stories high up Meiou's Science and Technology building.
With a tear in his eye, he called out....
***
How come I do not have a name?
"Why must you have a name? You do not fit in this world... you do
not fit in my dreams!"
We are both dreamers... you and me.
It's from nothingness that we flee
to the realm of endless fantasy.
"I don't understand at all... your thoughts make no sense. Leave
me. Let me fade in misery."
Fade into me... I can only see you
when you fade... find yourself in
me just as I found myself in you...
what is your name?
"I have no name. I am nothing. I am invisible."
What is my name?
"You are nameless. You are nothing to me."
We are nothing. Let us peer into
each other's nothingness.
"Why?"
To find yourself.
"Why?"
To find myself.
"Why?"
So that I could have a name.
***
"Ayame-sempai is called the girl of dreams, then Chiho-sempai is
called the Ice Queen... even Minamino-sempai is called the boy of
reflection... can't I have a name, invisible girl-san?"
She ruffled the young boy's hair fondly. "To me, you'll always
be..."
***
"SHINKO-CHAN! MY NAME IS SHINKO-CHAN!!!" Shigeru screamed at the
top of his lungs moments before he stepped off the ledge towards the
grim and unforgiving snow-filed pavement below.
***
My soul is bleeding.
But do I have a soul?
Do I have a conscience?
Am I where you are?
Am I already gone?
I feel I'm dead.
But is it true?
Can you bring me back?
Can anyone?
Is it too late?
Someone tell me...
Is it too late?!
Let me now become winter.
***
To be Continued...
Next: Kurama's will, Shuichi's wish
Note that I put in the title _Shonen_ not _Shonen-Ai_. Shonen-Ai
(male-male relationship) and yaoi are just not my cup of tea. This
is dedicated to Chimamire Kitsune for giving me the inspiration to
write this fic... wherever you are, this is for you.
Disclaimer: All characters used in this fanfic (save some others)
are the rightful property of Yoshishiro Togashi, Shueisha, Fuji TV
and St. Pierrot. Don't sue me please, I'm very poor.
Ja ne!
Abdiel
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