An interesting work with many intriging ideas. Please, continue to write.

I'll give a brief summary of my thoughts. (Please note, my opinions are 
mine, and should be ignored if you feel they don't help.)

Your pacing and timing though are incredibly hasty so that there's little to 
no sense of conflict. Also, due to the nature of your writing, there's 
'little ground to stand upon' where I can 'get a firm grip' on events that 
are happening.

In other words, your attention is fleeting. You jump from one event to the 
next without too much pause for concern with what's happening around you, as 
all your concentration is gripped by what's next, and little is devoted to 
now.

Although it's a cliche, I feel you may benefit from this old saying: It's 
not the destination that's important, but the journey itself.

Anyway, again, please continue to write.

Troy Thomas

http://ca.geocities.com/therealsilentnova/

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