Brian Randall wrote:
Aaron Nowack wrote:
"...He has loosed the fateful lightning of his terrible, swift
sword..."
-"Battle Hymn of the Republic"
This calls for ice-cream.
Don't ask.
...I won't.
The defenders weathered the storm of arrows, losing only a few
of their number. But that was not the end. A third drumroll sounded,
rumbling like thunder over the horizon. Then, for a long moment,
silence returned. The quiet seemed unnatural, and an expectant feeling
filled the air.
What are they doing during the silence? I have this image of
everyone freezing, suddenly looking around because they *know* that this
signifies something important, fear glinting in their eyes, etc.
But we don't see that, so shey could be running forward. :p
All right. I'll try and add some more visual cues here. I seem to have
a problem with omitting them too often. ;)
For two and a half years, war had ravaged Venus. Vast forests
had been burnt to the ground. Great plains had been trampled by the
steeds of the Martian desert nomads, perhaps the finest mounted warriors
in the solar system. Villages and cities had been stormed, captured,
and retaken until there were only a few that had not been abandoned.
Cloud Castles had been damaged, though not even the rebels risked
destroying them.
Two year war? Or is the system-wide war younger than the Venus Wars?
They need better equipment than unicycles, motors or not....
The war goes on two years before Venus is attacked. This scene takes
place after two and half years of war on venus, so the overall war would
have lasted approximately four and a half years at this point.
I'm don't quite get your unicycle comment, though. *sweatdrop*
She peered out through the viewports at the forces gathering
below, readying for the assault. There was what had once been the famed
Jovian Royal Guard, though they now called themselves simply the Jovian
Guard. Her face twisted into a grimace as she saw a handful of banners
>from her own world, but that grimace was nothing before the expression
that appeared on her face as she saw a single, plain blood-red banner.
The Betrayer of Peace. Almost as soon as she saw this, the attack
began.
Now, THAT is noteriety.
Yes. Yes it is. :)
Also, comma after plain? (Not sure)
Hrm. I'm not sure myself.
That was then...
***********************************************************************
...and this is now.
Still love that transition.
Well, there's the original one. :)
Now, this is strange. I guess it's just Ares saying, "We're losing,
so we're canceling the 'to-the-death' part for now. Bye-ee!"
Pretty much, I suppose. :)
You'd think with the reinforcements they'd try and at least push for
a quick victory.
Even with the reinforcement, they're still outnumbered.
In a matter of days, the three would
collide, and this wasteland would become distinguished by hosting one of
the greatest battles in the history of the Dark Kingdom.
Ooh! Violence!
You say that as if every prior scene in this chapter hadn't been a fight
scene... :)
And the clouds of smoke continued to rise up into the heavens,
like grasping hands. Their numbers grew as the day wore on. As night
fell, some of them slowly started to die down, as the fires ran out of
things to consume. The cries of pain quieted, as those that cried out
died or became too weak to shout out their anguish. The columns halted,
resting for the next day. It would not be long before all these things
started once more. Not long at all.
I like this. Succinct, and to the point.
I'm rather fond of it myself. :)
"It's done," he said quietly. "That daughter of mine won't be
able to see us here. She'll only see Ikawa working on his homework if
she looks."
That's a big if.
Better safe than sorry.
It also always blows my mind that he fights his own daughter so
viciously.
Well, they've always had an... unusual relationship.
Unazuki sniffed. "And you answered her rightly them. 'Come
back, all is forgiven.'?" She shook her head. "I have no intention of
kneeling to any Serenity."
Right. This part, I'm not sure of myself.
However, I _think_ that it should be:
forgiven?'"
I know that looks awkward to me. But I think that's how nested
quotation works.
It does look awkward... but I think you're right.
Overall, it's a great setup for the stuff that you bring in later.
You manage to make the youma wars not only interesting, but grippingly
so. I really do find myself drawn to see what Jadeite's up to, and kind
of want him to win (before he loses, if you know what I mean).
I think you'll pleased with what I have planned for Shades of Darkness,
then. ;)
Excelent work, and I'm looking forward to seeing more.
Well, hopefully tomorrow (or at worse this weekend) I'll get Fallen
Chapter 4 and the next chapter of this out.
>>3) Thanks goes to Angus MacSpon for prereading the first version of this
chapter.
And he did a good job, hardly lefy anything for me!
It suffices to say that I can never thank him enough for the help he's
given me with this fic.
5) Previous chapters of this revision are not yet archived anywhere
outside the FFML archives, but are available on request.
Hope to see the completed collection on your website soon. :)
Well, that'll have to wait on me both finishing these and completing the
website redesign I've been slowly plugging away on. (And when I say
slowly, I mean it makes my glacial writing speed look fast.)
As always, my thanks for taking the time to C&C this!