On Tue, 7 Oct 2003, David Choi wrote:

*sniff* *sniff* :')

Every time I watch Fruits Basket I smile. Even when it seems like the entire
world is bearing down on me. You managed to capture that essence of the
animation to this piece of fanfiction.

	That was my hope. I'm glad you liked it. :)

Anyways, onto the C&C.
Note: I'm just a dumb undergrad so my suggestions do not hold much weight.

	I'll definitely take your suggestions under advisement, at least.
:)

  The sudden vehemence of his own thought surprised Yuki. Of course he
hated the curse. It was inconvenient at best, and at worst...well, it was
hard to figure out what the worst part of it was. Having to erase memories
when it was triggered in front of the wrong people, having to isolate
himself (and not just himself, the whole family did it to at least some
degree) from others, having to live with the fact that he couldn't....

Eh.... To be honest, I personally think you could have broken up the last
sentences into several effective sentences. However, it also works in that
it allows the reader to be able to follow Yuki's mind path, or the way Yuki
thinks.

	Yeah. I know it feels awkward, but a person's inner thoughts often
are a jumbled mess of things, which is why I had it go on like that.

Also, the use of brackets throughout the entire fic weakened the
effectiveness of the narration. It made it a little too frivilous. I'm not
sure if that is what you were planning to do, but that is what it did for
me.

	You have a point there. The thing is, Yuki realizes it's not just
his own problem, and I think he would acknowledge it. I'm just not sure
how else to make that clear, though.

  Tohru's voice (she sounded like an angel) shook him out of his reverie.
Yuki blinked, saw the spade in his hand that he'd been uselessly holding
like an idiot for the past few minutes, then looked up to see her
concerned face looking at him.

Wow, great sentence there.

	Thanks!

  I really hate this curse.

There it is again. ^^
It looks like you are trying to remind the reader on how much Yuki hates his
curse. Not only hate it, but it consumes him. However, every time i come
across a line like the one above, it gives me a feeling that the story isn't
about how much Yuki loves Tohru, but it is about how much Yuki hates the
curse cutting his chance of becoming intimate with the aforementioned girl.

	Hmm...I hadn't thought of it that way. I just wanted to make his
frustration very clear and almost overpowering. n.n;

been his idea, anyway. No one would have dared to root around Shigure's
closet other than Shigure himself, who insisted that his younger cousin
would certainly get sunburn or heatstroke without some protection from the
glaring rays.

Shigure most certainly didn't just want an excuse to throw out some garbage
did he?

	Certainly not! He does this to help his dear cousin and their
beloved housekeeper.

it. She also wore a straw hat, the sibling to his own. The difference was,
it looked good on her, just as much as his looked silly on him.

Every time I try to visualize this description, I come up with those black
mages from the Final Fantasy game series.

	Ha! Good one.

  "Ah...yes. All five of them. I was starting on one for the cherry
seedlings." She indicated the hole back where she had been just earlier.
"I'm not nearly as skilled as Yuki-kun, though...."

"Yes, that's right," Tohru continued. "I'm much better at this!" She then
struck a pose which would have made any sailor scout blush.

"..." Yuki sweatdrops.

	o_o

  "Your face is a little flushed, though...maybe we should rest for a
little?"

  She's very observant.

Extremely. But then again...

	Only with certain things. :)

  They sat down beneath the shade of a tall tree on the edge of the
clearing, and gazed at the garden together.

  "It's growing very well, Yuki-kun."

"Urp!" Yuki frantically tried to hide the dog of war that decided to spring
up. "Down boy! Down!"

	...aheheh.

  "Yes. I think we should harvest some of the vegetables when we're done
with the trees. Make sure the later crops have some room to grow."

"...sure the later crops have..."
Mistake there?

	Nope, just a fragmented sentence. People tend to talk like that.

  "Oh, I can't wait! I love strawberries."

  And there was that smile again.

Wow. I love that sentence. Very good placement.

	I aim to please. :)

  "Um...is there something on my face, Yuki-kun?"

  Oops.

"I'm sorry to say this Tohru, but there's a spider on your face and it's
GOING TO EAT YOUR EYES OUT!"

"Agh! Where!? Where!?"

"Hahaha, just kidding! Hahaha!"

"Ah....."

	Heh. More Shigure's style, that would be.

  He laughed again; this, too, he couldn't help. "Best take your gloves
off before trying that, Honda-san." And before he knew it, he'd reached
out with his (de-gloved) hand and brushed the mark off her face.

Is that a word? "de-gloved"
I thought it was more "bare-hand" than anything.

	Perhaps not a formal Oxford Dictionary word, but the English
language (and all languages) are flexible things. This is what happens
when you develop an interest in linguistics. :) The emphasis was meant
that he took his glove off specifically, rather than just having his hands
be bare now.

slightly. Still, he withdrew the hand swiftly and sat back. "That's
better."

  "Thank you, Yuki-kun." And she gave a slightly nervous-sounding giggle.

Aw.... This makes me all warm inside.

	Whee!

  This didn't last for him, unfortunately. Strawberries. Why did he think
of that? Her lips weren't quite that red; almost no person's were without
the aid of lipstick. But when she smiled earlier, he couldn't help but
think of strawberries, like the ones now growing in the garden, though
they wouldn't be that bright red color for a little while longer.

Again. Another long sentence. I'm such a nag, eh?

	Trying to capture stream-of-consciousness flow again a bit.

  Yuki took a deep breath and pressed a few fingers to his forehead, eyes
tightly closed. This wasn't helping, this really wasn't helping. He had to
push it out of his mind. He sighed, shook his head. There, that was
better.

Is he going to teleport like Goku now?
By the way, "He sighed, shook his head" Isn't that a fragmented sentence?

	Stylistic thing. You may be correct, but I don't really care. ;)

  Those wide, innocent eyes, ones that he'd get lost in if he wasn't
careful...framed by her long brown hair, hair that looked so very soft and
shiny...there was that pert, cute nose of hers, set above those lips that
were like strawberries in some indescribable manner that he couldn't quite
understand, and he was still holding her hand, and now he was stepping
closer to her, but she wasn't moving back, only standing there, and maybe
she was stepping closer too, and leaning forward, and he was leaning
forward, and then her face was obscured because this gray mist had come
out of nowhere, obscuring his vision, damned mist, why was it hiding his
angel from him and why was there this falling sensation now and--

Is it just me or does this paragraph seem like it is actually one long
sentence?

	Yup, fully intentional. His mind running away with itself yet
again, this time to the extreme.

  I really, really hate this curse.

Huzzah! There it is again! I also noticed how you progressively added the
word "really" to this line.
Nice little device.

	Thanks. :)

  He'll manage to kiss her eventually. I'm sure of it.

That goes without saying.

	Just wait a few days. :)

Once again, great fanfic you got there. I'm looking to reading more of your
work.

	Thanks. It's a pleasure to get thoughtful C&C.

Andrew Huang...Shizumaru@KawaiiMUCK
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
NAC MAC FEEGLE!

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