Subject: [FFML] Re: [Fruits Basket][Ficlet] Like Strawberries
From: "David Choi" <choi238@hotmail.com>
Date: 10/7/2003, 3:03 AM
To: ffml@anifics.com, alhuang@hcs.harvard.edu


*sniff* *sniff* :')

Every time I watch Fruits Basket I smile. Even when it seems like the entire 
world is bearing down on me. You managed to capture that essence of the 
animation to this piece of fanfiction.

Anyways, onto the C&C.
Note: I'm just a dumb undergrad so my suggestions do not hold much weight.


  I Hate this curse.


Ooooo... Extremely foreboding.

  The sudden vehemence of his own thought surprised Yuki. Of course he
hated the curse. It was inconvenient at best, and at worst...well, it was
hard to figure out what the worst part of it was. Having to erase memories
when it was triggered in front of the wrong people, having to isolate
himself (and not just himself, the whole family did it to at least some
degree) from others, having to live with the fact that he couldn't....

Eh.... To be honest, I personally think you could have broken up the last 
sentences into several effective sentences. However, it also works in that 
it allows the reader to be able to follow Yuki's mind path, or the way Yuki 
thinks.

Also, the use of brackets throughout the entire fic weakened the 
effectiveness of the narration. It made it a little too frivilous. I'm not 
sure if that is what you were planning to do, but that is what it did for 
me.

  Tohru's voice (she sounded like an angel) shook him out of his reverie.
Yuki blinked, saw the spade in his hand that he'd been uselessly holding
like an idiot for the past few minutes, then looked up to see her
concerned face looking at him.

Wow, great sentence there.


  I really hate this curse.

There it is again. ^^
It looks like you are trying to remind the reader on how much Yuki hates his 
curse. Not only hate it, but it consumes him. However, every time i come 
across a line like the one above, it gives me a feeling that the story isn't 
about how much Yuki loves Tohru, but it is about how much Yuki hates the 
curse cutting his chance of becoming intimate with the aforementioned girl.
Note: Notice how I ignored my own opinion on run-on sentences.....


  He stabbed the spade into the ground with uncharacteristic viciousness.
Which was to say, it was only slightly vicious, as he wasn't very vicious
at all to start with, and there's only a certain degree of viciousness
that one can display when on your knees, wearing gardening gloves and a
straw hat to block out the brightly shining sun overhead, while shoving a
small and unthreatening spade into the earth.

Very long and descriptive sentence.


  "That should do," he announced, as he took off the hat to wipe his brow.
The hat had been dug out of Shigure's closet, and was a bit battered. The
Love Me Yuki Fanclub would have a collective aneurysm to see their elegant
Prince wearing something so uncouth, so common as that. Well, it hadn't
been his idea, anyway. No one would have dared to root around Shigure's
closet other than Shigure himself, who insisted that his younger cousin
would certainly get sunburn or heatstroke without some protection from the
glaring rays.

Shigure most certainly didn't just want an excuse to throw out some garbage 
did he?


  "Oh! Here you go, Yuki-kun." Tohru was already gathering up one of the
seedlings from the tray next to her and shuffling over to his side with
it. She also wore a straw hat, the sibling to his own. The difference was,
it looked good on her, just as much as his looked silly on him.

Every time I try to visualize this description, I come up with those black 
mages from the Final Fantasy game series.


  "Thank you, Honda-san." He accepted the seedling, eyed it critically.
The tiny leaves were pale green, the branches pliable. Good. Then, with a
master's skill, he lowered the seedling into place, and proceeded to pack
the sides of the hole, then the top, over the roots, with dirt. "Is that
all the apple seedlings?"

"...Good. Then, with a..."
That conjunction doesn't sit well with me for some reason.


  "Ah...yes. All five of them. I was starting on one for the cherry
seedlings." She indicated the hole back where she had been just earlier.
"I'm not nearly as skilled as Yuki-kun, though...."

"Yes, that's right," Tohru continued. "I'm much better at this!" She then 
struck a pose which would have made any sailor scout blush.

"..." Yuki sweatdrops.


  I hate this curse because I can't hold her.

How sad... If only I could hold her myself... Oh wait. Of course I can't! 
I'm just a silly fanfiction reader!


  "Yuki-kun! Are you all right?"

What about me Tohru?


  "Your face is a little flushed, though...maybe we should rest for a
little?"

  She's very observant.

Extremely. But then again...


  "A break would be nice." He ducked his head quickly, removed the hat,
and fanned himself with it a bit as he stood up. "It's getting warmer
these days."

  "Spring is almost over. I wonder how hot the summer will be."

...How naive can Tohru be?


  They sat down beneath the shade of a tall tree on the edge of the
clearing, and gazed at the garden together.

  "It's growing very well, Yuki-kun."

"Urp!" Yuki frantically tried to hide the dog of war that decided to spring 
up. "Down boy! Down!"


  "Yes. I think we should harvest some of the vegetables when we're done
with the trees. Make sure the later crops have some room to grow."


"...sure the later crops have..."
Mistake there?

  Tohru clapped her hands together. "I'll make some salad for dinner
tonight. A fresh garden salad!"

  This inspired a light chuckle in him. "That would be very good,
Honda-san." He looked at the garden again. "And the strawberries will be
ripe soon."

"Oh God... Not salad again..." Thought Yuki. "Anymore vegetable dinners and 
I'll turn into a rabbit instead."


  "Oh, I can't wait! I love strawberries."

  And there was that smile again.

Wow. I love that sentence. Very good placement.


  He knew he shouldn't stare, but he couldn't help it. She was not,
perhaps, a supermodel. She wouldn't grace the cover of a fashion magazine
anytime soon. But she was, nevertheless, very pretty. Very pretty indeed,
because he also knew that she was a pretty person inside. And that, he
knew, was very rare indeed.

  "Um...is there something on my face, Yuki-kun?"

  Oops.

"I'm sorry to say this Tohru, but there's a spider on your face and it's 
GOING TO EAT YOUR EYES OUT!"

"Agh! Where!? Where!?"

"Hahaha, just kidding! Hahaha!"

"Ah....."


  He blinked rapidly, trying to salvage the situation--and was saved.
"Actually, yes...you have a smudge of dirt on your cheek." He pointed at
said smudge, then to the same spot on his own face to show her where
exactly, glad for the excuse and hoping that she wouldn't notice that the
flush was back on his face.

A lot of "that".


  "Oh!" She reached up to wipe the dirt off. Unfortunately, she hadn't
taken off her gloves, and this only succeeded in putting more dirt on.

  He laughed again; this, too, he couldn't help. "Best take your gloves
off before trying that, Honda-san." And before he knew it, he'd reached
out with his (de-gloved) hand and brushed the mark off her face.

Is that a word? "de-gloved"
I thought it was more "bare-hand" than anything.


  When his brain caught up with his body, it was actually not too
difficult for him not to panic. The motion had come so naturally, and she
hadn't drawn away. Perhaps her eyes had widened slightly, and there was
definitely a bit of heat beneath his fingers as her cheeks now reddened
slightly. Still, he withdrew the hand swiftly and sat back. "That's
better."

  "Thank you, Yuki-kun." And she gave a slightly nervous-sounding giggle.


Aw.... This makes me all warm inside.

  Her lips are like strawberries.

  "Let's finish getting the cherry trees planted, shall we?" he said,
quickly standing up. She blinked up at him, looking a bit nonplussed at
the abruptness of his motion. He smiled broadly down at her, then looked
back toward the heart of the clearing. "I'm feeling much better now."

  "Oh...all right!"

Very articulate ain't she?


  The next ten minutes were spent largely in silence that was actually
rather companionable, though Yuki felt slightly awkward at first. Tohru
appeared at ease, though, as she hummed a tune quietly--probably something
her mother had taught her--so that let him relax.

  This didn't last for him, unfortunately. Strawberries. Why did he think
of that? Her lips weren't quite that red; almost no person's were without
the aid of lipstick. But when she smiled earlier, he couldn't help but
think of strawberries, like the ones now growing in the garden, though
they wouldn't be that bright red color for a little while longer.

Again. Another long sentence. I'm such a nag, eh?


  I wonder if they would taste as sweet--

"Food!?"

"Hey! Who let Usagi out?"

*faintly* "Who who who....."


  Yuki took a deep breath and pressed a few fingers to his forehead, eyes
tightly closed. This wasn't helping, this really wasn't helping. He had to
push it out of his mind. He sighed, shook his head. There, that was
better.

Is he going to teleport like Goku now?
By the way, "He sighed, shook his head" Isn't that a fragmented sentence?


  "Okay, I've finished the last one!" She smiled (don't look don't look)
again, kneeling proudly over the seedling.

  "Very good. That's all the planting for today, then. Let's gather up a
harvest for tonight's dinner."

  She nodded, started toward the far corner of the garden where the
choicest crop was, then stopped. "Oh! Yuki-kun has some dirt on his face
now." Tohru laughed, took off her gloves, and reached over to wipe off
the dirt on his forehead, partially obscured by his hair.

Ooooo... So she isn't as naive as I thought ^^


  No moment of panic, not this time either, but something else. He held
still for her as she brushed off the marks on his face. Then, as she
withdrew her hand, he caught it in his own. Somewhere along the way, he'd
taken off his gloves, though he didn't even realize it. Her skin was warm
and soft, even with all the dishwashing and housework and gardening.

  "...Yuki-kun?"


"I've died and gone to heaven!" cried Ryoga!

"Shut it, Ryoga!" exclaimed Yuki. "This is my fanfic. Get out!"

  No alarm in her eyes, but a faint bit of surprise. This was, after all,
a little unexpected. He couldn't blame her; he wasn't quite expecting to
do this himself. Why had he done this?

  "Honda-san, I...."

  She only looked back at him inquisitively.

  Those wide, innocent eyes, ones that he'd get lost in if he wasn't
careful...framed by her long brown hair, hair that looked so very soft and
shiny...there was that pert, cute nose of hers, set above those lips that
were like strawberries in some indescribable manner that he couldn't quite
understand, and he was still holding her hand, and now he was stepping
closer to her, but she wasn't moving back, only standing there, and maybe
she was stepping closer too, and leaning forward, and he was leaning
forward, and then her face was obscured because this gray mist had come
out of nowhere, obscuring his vision, damned mist, why was it hiding his
angel from him and why was there this falling sensation now and--

Is it just me or does this paragraph seem like it is actually one long 
sentence?


  Yuki squinted up from the heap of his clothing, now lying on the grass
of the forest clearing. Tohru was crouching down now, looking apologetic
and embarrassed and extremely nervous at the moment.

  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I...um, I...."

  "It's all right, Honda-san. I just...mmm, I'm fine. Don't worry about
it."

  I really, really hate this curse.

Huzzah! There it is again! I also noticed how you progressively added the 
word "really" to this line.
Nice little device.


  But there was something about the way she was nervous, and he was
nervous too, that made him feel a little better about the whole situation.

  "It shouldn't take too long for me to change back, I think. And then we
can gather up some vegetables."

  "Okay, Yuki-kun."

  Like strawberries, her smile was.

End.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

  He'll manage to kiss her eventually. I'm sure of it.

That goes without saying.

Once again, great fanfic you got there. I'm looking to reading more of your 
work.

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