[FFML] Re: [Ranma] The Amazon Queen, part one (draft)

Okay, I don't usually put my C&C on the list,
prefering to send it only to the author, but here
goes:

I liked it.

There have been many re-tellings of the Ranma
storyline. Many have some sort of twist to them, sort
of a what if? Even when the twist is subtle,
interesting things can result. Here the twist isn't
subtle at all, and it's already leaving me in
stitches.

In a way Robert, your style reminds me of a cross
between Douglas Adams and Robert Aspirin.

Robert Aspirin once stated (about the Myth series)
that he flat out stole storylines (hmmm...sounds like
fanfiction!). He started by taking all the old
cliches for a walk one more time...from a different
point of view. Within this first (and hopefully not
last!) chapter we see several cliches that are dealt
with adroitly and in a slighty off-beat manner. I
particularly like Mousse being the one to say "Sorry
about this". Cliches are also broken in this
story--Akane does NOT walk in on Ranma, and then when
she tries to call him a pervert, even she realizes she
is going off the deep end.

The Douglas Adams I see in your writing is right in
the phrases. The whole bit about elephants
trumpheting and lions roaring and badgers making
whatever sound badgers make would be right at home in
Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. That is not the only
place I see similarities, but the most obvious one.

I also particularly like the way Ranma is portrayed.
He isn't taking much crap from anybody, really. He
smacks Cologne in a friendly/adversary way (reminds me
of a couple of times he and Ryouga "chat"). In the
cannon, he usually comes unglued when he is trying to
hit Cologne or Haposai. He also speaks frankly, but
doesn't come across as blantanly insulting as he does
in the canon. Sure he insults Akane, calling her
crazy, but he has ample evidence at this point! Also,
it's Shampoo saying he/she has a better body, not
Ranma. Another nice twist on the cliche.

Again I liked it. Keep up the good work, and when is
the next chapter going to be out?

Bob....

AKA Papa 51

PS--any chance of any more chapters of Girl Days, Red
Heads or Paragon?

=====
Papa 51 Productions
Creator of Anime Music Videos and Anime Fanfics
http://www.angelfire.com/anime5/papa51/

The average pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else.

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