Shade wrote:
And the fact that he wrote at all prompted me to log back into the
internet, end my six straight days of fasting, and do a dance of joy.
Shade wrote! Woooooo!
@set party mode: on
Chasing Dreams
by Shade
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 & Love Hina are the property of their
respective creators Rumiko Takahashi and Ken Akamatsu.
Ken-san Banzai!
Ranma Note: Takes place before Nodoka's introduction,
but after the Shi Shi Hokodan arc
As I recall, those events happen in the opposite order. My mind is
a bit wobbly at the moment, thanks to the aformentioned six days of
fasting, however. So, some minor time-line tweaking, as I understand it?
Love Hina Note: AU, uses mix of anime & manga, spoilers later
on for those who haven't read through the manga and haven't
seen the entire tv series, ovas, and specials.
Fair enough. The anime's got some redeeming qualities. ;)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 1: Memory
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The scene was blurry and faded by the passage of time
and numerous impacts by blunt objects to the head.
impacts by blunt -- impacts from blunt (?)
And the plump stuffed beaver animal doll.
Liddo-kun!
Two kids were playing in the sand, one slightly bigger then other.
He couldn't make out their faces, only vague shadows and impressions.
Outfits? Or is that, too, vague?
And with a start, Ranma Saotome woke up.
Ah. Hmmm.
Between Genma, Akane, Ryoga, Shampoo, Mousse, and occasionally Happosai
mornings usually came too damn early for him. That was why he kept dozing
off in class, he had to get some sleep somewhere. But this morning none
of the usual suspects had shown up yet.
Suggest: the usual suspects (or words to that effect -- we know who
they are, so you don't need to name them all).
The Tendos didn't have the slightest clue of how good they had it here.
There had been times on the training trip when Ranma would have happily
kicked somebody else's ass to be able to sleep on a real mattress.
I think those two paragraphs can be combined.
One quick glance across the room was enough to discover that Genma wasn't here.
discover: verify, see (I don't think that 'discover' works quite
right, because if this has happened before it's not really a revelation....)
With a regretful look, he got up and stepped away
>from the tempation of simply going back to sleep.
Fool!
Which was just as well, because there was a strange
restlessness in his mood today, and it bothered him.
I don't think he would be aware of his mood in that sense. Perhaps,
"There was a strange restlessness in him..."?
He felt...lonely.
You know, this is a remarkably poignant scene.
This kind of uncertainty had no business in his life.
As is this. Quite a shift from your normal tone, but I think you're
carrying it _very_ well.
He had to be, otherwise that would mean the last ten years
of his life had been wasted for nothing.
wasted for nothing -- wasted (if they're wasted, they're wasted,
right? :)
"...."
O_O
You already know how to use elipses properly.
I fear my usefullness may have come to an end. >_<
Soun was weeping, whether in happiness or sorrow
he didn't know. Not that it made much of a difference
either way.
difference either way -- difference to him either way (?)
Nabiki was eyeing him like a piece of expensive meat
or a large denomination yen note. It was hard to tell
sometimes with her.
Hard to tell which? Either means she's looking at him like she
covets him. Maybe... looking at him and deciding how much he's worth by
the kilo, or something?
We regret to inform you that your grandmother, Mrs. Keiko Hina,
recently passed away. As per the instructions in her will, you have
been designated as her primary heir. This includes controlling interest
in the property known as the Hinata Sou as well as the surrounding lands
within the Hinata district. Her bank accounts will be held in trust for you
by Ms. Haruka Urashima until you reach 20 years of age or marry, whichever
comes first. A portion of those funds have been released and enclosed with
this letter in order to pay for your traveling expenses....'
Aw, crap. I get it now. Would they really just steal his money
like that?
"Ah, the priest is finally here!"
Wait, would Genma and Soun know of the 'marriage' stipulation, or
did they read the letter and put it back once they realized it had no
money in it? And if they did read it, would they put it back knowing
that it said there was money in the envelope? If Ranma reads it, he
knows someone's stolen money from the envelope, right? This seems a bit
stupid, even for those two. I would suggest having him discover the
letter tossed aside as though forgotten instead of in the envelope.
Maybe they forgot in the excitement of finding the money, and then
realizing that there could be more where it came from... and since the
letter didn't specify an amount, maybe they'd leave a few yen in the
envelope, thinking he wouldn't realize there should be more.
My thoughts, anyway.
{PLease. Just this once, don't do this to me.}
PLease -- Please (extra capital. :p)
Something shattered deep inside of him.
"RANMA!!!"
And he ran.
Or maybe they envelope could still have the money in it, and he just
panics, running away with the letter. It could work, right?
Overall, I really like this. It feels more like a prologue than a
first chapter, but I liked it anyway, and I get the sensation that the
mood may lighten as the story continues.
And that's just fine. You established your hook, and then let the
story grow. I really want to read more of this.
Good work, Shade. :)