Domo Brian,

Ranma Note: Takes place before Nodoka's

introduction, 

but after the Shi Shi Hokodan arc
 

    As I recall, those events happen in the opposite
order.  My mind is
a bit wobbly at the moment, thanks to the
aformentioned six days of
fasting, however.  So, some minor time-line
tweaking, as I understand it?

Nah, the Shi Shi Hokodan arc takes place in vol. 20,
Nodoka shows up in vol 22. 

Love Hina Note: AU, uses mix of anime & manga,

spoilers later 

on for those who haven't read through the manga and

haven't 

seen the entire tv series, ovas, and specials. 
 

    Fair enough.  The anime's got some redeeming
qualities. ;)

Yes it does. Amalla Suu, to name one. ^^

He couldn't make out their faces, only vague

shadows and impressions.

    Outfits?  Or is that, too, vague?

Given Ranma's notoriously poor memory for faces, it
seemed likely to me he wouldn't be much better with
clothes either.

And of course, no sense in spoiling everything right
away now. ^^
  

    Suggest: the usual suspects (or words to that
effect -- we know who
they are, so you don't need to name them all).

Noted, will fix. 

The Tendos didn't have the slightest clue of how

good they had it here.

There had been times on the training trip when

Ranma would have happily

kicked somebody else's ass to be able to sleep on a

real mattress.

    I think those two paragraphs can be combined.

Rodger. ^^
 

One quick glance across the room was enough to

discover that Genma wasn't here.

    discover: verify, see (I don't think that
'discover' works quite
right, because if this has happened before it's not
really a revelation....)

Ack! Good catch! Will fix!

With a regretful look, he got up and stepped away 

>from the tempation of simply going back to sleep.

    Fool!

While Ranma has many admirable qualities, common sense
isn't one of them.

Which was just as well, because there was a strange

restlessness in his mood today, and it bothered

him.

    I don't think he would be aware of his mood in
that sense.  Perhaps,
"There was a strange restlessness in him..."?

*Nod* Fixed.

He felt...lonely.
 

    You know, this is a remarkably poignant scene.

This kind of uncertainty had no business in his

life.

    As is this.  Quite a shift from your normal
tone, but I think you're
carrying it _very_ well.

Thank you. I haven't done this kind of thing since
that  Tenchi private bet a long time ago, I was
worried I might be a bit rusty.

He had to be, otherwise that would mean the last

ten years 

of his life had been wasted for nothing. 
 

    wasted for nothing -- wasted (if they're wasted,
they're wasted,
right? :)

Heh, well they could have been wasted for something.
^^

"...."
 

    O_O

    You already know how to use elipses properly.

    I fear my usefullness may have come to an end. 

_<

I had a good teacher. ^_^

Soun was weeping, whether in happiness or sorrow 
he didn't know. Not that it made much of a

difference

either way.
 

    difference either way -- difference to him
either way (?)

Fixed. ^^

Nabiki was eyeing him like a piece of expensive

meat 

or a large denomination yen note. It was hard to

tell

sometimes with her.
 

   Hard to tell which?  Either means she's looking
at him like she
covets him. Maybe... looking at him and deciding how
much he's worth by
the kilo, or something?

Ah, my fault. Meant to convey that basic covet idea,
but also that there isn't much difference between her
greed for fine food and cash. Sorta like Genma, come
to think of it...

 Aw, crap.  I get it now.  Would they really just
steal his money like that?

Yep. In a heart beat.

Wait, would Genma and Soun know of the 'marriage'
stipulation, or did they read the letter and put it
back once they realized it had no money in it?  And

if >they did read it, would they put it back knowing
that >it said there was money in the envelope?  If
Ranma >reads it, he knows someone's stolen money from
the >envelope, right?  This seems a bit stupid, even
for >those two.  I would suggest having him discover
the

letter tossed aside as though forgotten instead of in
the envelope. Maybe they forgot in the excitement of
finding the money, and then realizing that there

could >be more where it came from... and since the
letter >didn't specify an amount, maybe they'd leave a
few yen >in the envelope, thinking he wouldn't realize
there >should be more.

Actually I did note earlier that the letter itself had
been overlooked by everyone in favor of the thick wad
of yen. 

<but then he noticed a small letter that had somehow
been overlooked by the others and was still lying
hidden inside. 

He pulled it out slowly, it seemed to have escaped the
notice of everyone else who had gone through his mail
and he was determined to protect this small remmant of
his personal privacy. >

In essence they simply peeked in his mail, saw the
money, and ignored everything else once they grabbed
it. They've already got their own justifications for
taking the money, from Genma's "Its for the boy's
good, I can be trusted to spend it in his interests"
to Soun's "I deserve it for letting him live here" to
Nabiki's "I want it, and I'll cheat whoever I have to
in order to get it." 

Its not that they know about the marriage clause,
they're just being their typical short-sighted selves.
They now have enough money to hold a wedding, thus...

Overall, I really like this.  It feels more like a
prologue than a first chapter, but I liked it anyway,
and I get the sensation that the mood may lighten as
the story continues.

Heh. ^^

Yes, it gets a bit lighter in the next part, but I'm
trying to keep a more serious tone overall in this
one.

Thanks again.

-Shade

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