Well, technically I was ignoring this mostly as between my own time 
limitations and the fact that it seemed rather well answered but with Mr. 
Don Granberry's most whole-hearted approval of the fic though and his 
indication that Kenko was indeed one of the funniest authors on the FFML, I 
was encouraged to give it a read through and, as with every fic I read, some 
comments.  Hope they are useful on top of the swarm already received.

I don't know WHERE this idea came from...

    The Amazon Queen

    A rather silly Ranma 1/2 alterniversalfictionalthingy

    by Robert Haynie

    (Ranma was created by Rumiko Takahashi, and is published in the
US by Viz Communications.  Humphrey Bogart is not in this fanfiction,
at least not at the moment, but I could go totally insane at any
minute so I'm not making any promises...)

Good disclaimer. ^_^

    Part One... Here's... Um... a whole lot of people?

As noted by Brian, this should either be all leading caps.  In fact, I'd 
suggest writing it as: "Part One: Here's, Um, A whole lot of People?"  
Removing the ellipsis altogether from the title.

    ####

    Soun Tendo stared at the cheap postcard in his hand, smiling.

    "Bringing Ranma and company from China.  May be complications
with our pact.  Not my fault.  Genma"

    Being the sort of person who only really sees what he wants to
see, he managed to not really read anything but four words--
Bringing, Ranma, From, and China.  Happily he went to call his three
daughters together, and make his grand announcement.  Strangely, (at
least to him) they didn't really seem very pleased, but he managed to

We are in his perspective and only his perspective.  The parenthetical 
notation is wholly unnecessary.

ignore that as well.  He had a positive talent for it.  The only one
with any enthusiasm for the matter was Nabiki, who when the door-bell
rang, went to get it, assuming that the young man was there.

On one hand, you are skipping through everything we know.  On another, one 
almost wonders why you do even this little lead in if you assume it because 
really, it's unnecessary.  We already know they are going to be like that 
without you telling us it.  So you could just scene skip right from the 
letter, have a witty exclaimation hinting at what is going on...  and go 
right to Ranma at the door.  The telling in this fashion adds nothing but 
filler.

    She returned in a moment shaken and pale.  "There's an old monkey
on a stick arguing with a panda on our doorstep."

This is overdone.  It's a potentially funny material, and a lot of people 
will laugh at it solely on the material, but that's no reason to accept 
mediocricy in the delivery.  Should she be shaken and pale here?  No.  So 
does it add to the joke?  I think not.  You may want to try using her as a 
straight face in this scene.  Have everyone else be ready for him and her go 
in a sort of neutral fashion, "Daddy, why is there escapees from the Zoo's 
violent animal ward on our doorstep?"  If you don't think that's funny, then 
think of other ways.  I'll say categorically that this delivery could be 
much better than it is.  And I harp on it as from past fics of yours and 
comments about this, I presume it's an area you probably could do to 
practice in.

    Normally Soun was the sort of person who only really heard what
he wanted to hear, also.  But this statement was the sort that cut
through his comforting blanket of self-absorption, and he went to the
front door to gaze upon this remarkable spectacle himself.

    It turned out that his daughter had made a less than accurate
report.  The monkey and the panda were also arguing with a red-headed
girl, another with violet tresses, and a boy with long ebon hair and
thick glasses.  Well, technically, the boy was arguing with the dojo
sign, but that seemed a minor point at this juncture.

Why would she miss that?  You should frame the above joke to work with this, 
not avoid it.  Work with what you have, not what you want to be there.  
Either way, the paragraph here doesn't help the pacing.  It's too slow and 
fatty.  Heck, both the above paragraphs are.  I'd suggest rewriting them.  
Take out the reflection on Soun's character (Which adds nothing here), and 
turn it into one cohesive paragraph that flows better.

And something reads wrong about this and the below Mousse parts.  I dunno, 
maybe it's the fact he's wearing his glasses.  Remove them immediately if 
you want this to follow through.  He is not that blind with them on that he 
can't tell the difference between a sign and Shampoo.  You are clearly doing 
it to make sure people recognize Mousse here and it's totally unnecessary.  
If you believe Mousse is truly this blind with his glasses on, I'd suggest 
taking a break and going back to reread the source material again.

    "You realize that any such match is unacceptable without approval
of the Council of Elders as a whole!  Don't you realize how important
the girl is to our people?"

Trying to build the comedy off of an absurdity?  Workable, but it has the 
inherent weakness of we have to swallow the absurdity.  Girl Days managed 
this through a semiplausible Nodoka, even if a bit odd.  Hope you got plans 
on how to make us swallow Ranma just being yanked up to royal status and 
Mouse being brought along on a trip with 'her'.  If you fail to get that off 
well, all jokes stemming from it will instantly fall flat.  It's the reason 
a lot of comedians choose easy baselines that anyone would swallow and work 
to the absurdity, rather than starting at it.

    "Stop callin' me a girl!  And what do you mean, match?  Pops
start smoking again?" complained the redhead.

    The panda waved a sign that Soun couldn't read.  The apparent
monkey could, however, and retorted with words to the effect of a old
drunken agreement was hardly as valid as the duties of royalty.

How would she know?  Why would he tell her in any such fashion?  Small 
point, but if it doesn't add anything here (And this doesn't seem to), why 
do it?

    Meanwhile the girl with the violet hair was yelling in Chinese at
the boy, who was pleading in the same language with the dojo sign.
And the red haired girl just looked ready to explode at everyone.

    Soun, however, managed to quite intelligently ignore all the
chaos going on, and target the only relevant part-- the boy.  Logic
and wisdom identified him in a second.

"I tried so hard..."

    "Ranma, my boy, you've come at last!"  And he hugged the
glasses-wearing youth.

*cough*

    This distracted the boy enough to cause him to break off his
entreaties to the wooden placard, and change the subject to his now
intense desire to be allowed to breathe.

    "That funny," the longhaired girl said.  "Where outsider man
learn Glomp?"

Fanon.  And uninteresting fanon.  Fanon is all well and good if it adds to 
the comedy, but don't just toss it in to BE there.

    "Don't ask ME," the redhead replied.   "Dunno him, never met him
before."

    "I'm not ranma lemme go can't breathe," wheezed the boy with
glasses.

And why is here there though?  I hope there's an explanation later of why 
this guy who all the comedy is centering around at the moment even showed 
up.

    "Not..."  Soun released the boy, uncertainly.  "You're not
Ranma?"

Opportunity for comedy: WHOOSH!

Why the heck does Soun BELIEVE him?  You spend all this time painting him as 
living in a dream world and your first good setup for playing off of that 
you let fly right by!  If you are going to do the setup, make the joke!

    "And I wouldn't want to be, either.  I don't LIKE this country!
I just want to go back to the village and marry Shampoo!"

Why is this discussion happening here?

    "No is happening!"

    "But once I convince her to--"

It's not funny.

    "Like she said, it ain't happening," the redheaded girl snapped.
"Let's just get inside where it's dry, okay?"

    To Soun's surprise, the two other teens bowed to the redhead, as
did the apparent monkey-- which he now realized was not a monkey but
an impossibly elderly woman.  The panda didn't bow, until the elderly
woman smashed it in the back of it's head with her stick.

Uhhhh, this better be good.

    "Um.  Yes.  Well.  Come in?"

    "Thanks."  The redheaded girl sighed, and entered the house,
followed by the rest of her coterie.

That's a word I don't see all the time.  Nice usage of a not often used 
word.

    Soun stood there in the rain for a moment, before he realized
that whatever he HAD let into the house, it certainly wasn't Saotome
and Son.

    He was understandably mistaken... but who wouldn't be?

Either use Soun's thought path or DON'T.  The external narrator harping on 
the joke and explaining it just in case, god forbid, we missed it, doesn't 
add anything to your writing.  It's a failure of delivery.  Don't get so 
excited about your own jokes, in other words.  A good comedian keeps a 
relatively straight face.  Or in here, a relatively neutral text tone.  
Enough to hint they should be laughing, but not so much as what you got 
above.

    ####

    "Pardon us for the scene outside, Tendo-san,"  the ancient woman
said, in tones of resignation.  She bore the somewhat odd name of
Cologne... not that her companions had names any less odd.  "Of late
we have been much on edge."

    "Ah... yes, that seems apparent.  I was wondering if you perhaps
knew where Ranma was?  The boy did seem to know him..."

    The violet-tressed girl, who was named Shampoo looked a bit
nervous.  "Um.  She Ranma Saotome," she replied, pointing at the
red-haired girl.

    "Yes.  Sorry about that," added Mousse, the boy with the glasses.

    Soun fainted.

U' JOKE DELIVERY: AWFUL!

Seriously, that's an absolutely wretched delivery.  It's way too fast.  It's 
entirely depending on people to find the material funny regardless of how 
you tell it.  Now, I'm not saying finding funny material is easy.  It's part 
of the battle.  A small part though.  A good comedian can make blatantly 
unfunny things funny.  You though aren't demonstrating this trait here.

    ####

    Upon his awakening, the Tendo patriarch was as confused as ever.

    "I was sure that Genma said he had a son."  Soun was terribly
confused.

Comedy meter remaining at deadline.  Sir, you need twenty CCs of humor, 
stat!

    "He did, but he really shouldn't have.  Fortunately, fate
corrected that mistake--"  Cologne was interrupted by the annoyed
voice of the unexpectedly not-son-material Ranma.

Again, you make me wonder when you are going to get to covering this.  It's 
really sort of causing an annoyed twitch in my eyebrow with these 
references.

    "Fate didn't correct nothin'.   I'm still a guy.  Mostly."

    This statement flew over the heads of the Tendos, who
understandably saw no sense in the assertion.

And why did you reference them?  They aren't important here.  Excess.  Clip 
Clip. ^_^  No reason to add weight to a comedy fic.

    "Why must you be so unreasonable, Princess?"

    "I ain't no princess, and I ain't gonna be no queen, and someday
you're gonna realize that, Cologne."

Argument...point lost.  To appreciate this, we must know what's gone before. 
  Without it, we can't really appreciate these lines.  Instead they are 
annoying.  They are like stepping into the middle of someone elses argument 
without knowing what's going on with either side.  It's unenjoyable being 
thrust into that position as the reader.  We should at least be given some 
empathy with one of them.

    The elder chuckled.  "Think what you will, Princess.  But your
destiny is with us, and someday you will understand that."

    "When pigs fly.  And kicking Ryoga into low earth orbit don't
count."

Oh-kay...

    "He seemed like a nice enough boy when he wasn't trying to kill
you--"

This joke.  It is not funny.  It doesn't matter who says it.  It wasn't 
funny when the first person decided to utter it in a fic or anime.  It is 
not funny now.  Giving it by itself with no lead in delivery will not make 
an unfunny joke funny.  Using Cliche jokes is not good.  If you have to use 
them, then you have to deliver them in a personable manner that'll make them 
funny to those who've seen them a thousand times.  You are completely 
ignoring even trying to give a good delivery of the joke.

    "And stop tryin' to fix me up with guys!  You got any idea how
disgusting that is?"

    Akane stared at the redhead.  Then she stared at Nabiki, who was
nursing her wrist after the Shampoo girl had taken exception to her
poking at Ranma's chest to make sure.  Then she returned her stare to
Ranma, nodding to herself.  Finally, someone who had the right idea
about boys.

Not funny.  Not funny at all.  First off, why would Nabiki try in this sort 
of situation?  It's very different from the original.  Assuming she does, 
why are we hearing of it in this sort of after the fact fashion?  If you 
want to wring the entertainment of it, we should hear about it AS it 
happens.  You've been playing out the timeslot when it could, so why not 
have it actually on camera if you think it's funny?

    Cologne sighed.  "You're just being unreasonable.  Oh, well, if
you insist, I suppose that one of these might be worthy of being your
mate."

    "And how, precisely, is THAT supposed to work?" inquired Nabiki,
still glaring at the violet haired thug.

    "Mate?  What are ya talking about, Colonge?" murmured the redhead
under her breath.

How are they getting him here, without him knowing what's going on this 
time?  Given how the Amazons acted portrayed in this fic, he shouldn't 
easily be dragged where he doesn't want to go.  Cologne would likely see to 
getting the information out of Genma after all.

    "Well, it's simple, really.  When your sister returns with that
kettle, we shall be able to explain."  Here the old woman gave the
panda a rather scornful look.  "I DO hope it's nice and hot."

"And got so far..."

    [Sadistic old ghoul] read the sign that the panda had produced
from... actually, no-one seemed to really know WHERE it had come
from.

    "Half-witted dolt," retorted Cologne.

    "This is all too strange... Say, do you want to see our dojo?"

Voices out of the darkness!  You have...  more than a half dozen characters 
out there.  Put a name on the text!

    "Um... sure."  For some reason Ranma's expression and attitude
changed to one of shyness.

     In the dojo, Ranma looked about with interest.  "Nice place.
Don't seem to be used much, tho."

    "Daddy hasn't taught for a while," explained Akane.  "Say, you
practice kempo, right?"

    "A bit."

    "Want to spar?"

    "I guess..."

    Akane took a careful attack stance.  Ranma just stood there.

    In another reality, one we all know, the events following have
been well and precisely documented, to an extent that need not be
recouped here.  Until Akane decided to up the level of sparring--
"For real", as she thought to herself, as she lashed out with a
devastating punch--

Then don't reference it.  A wasted paragraph to those who know of it and a 
wasted paragraph to those who do.  Show the fight that's happening, not what 
isn't.

    And everything suddenly went black.

    ####

    Akane's father wasn't happy about what had transpired in the
Dojo.  His response was fury, outrage-- and sudden fear as the
redhead seemed to almost teleport into his face and snarl.

    "Look, she took it up to a serious level!  Of COURSE I hit her!
She was tryin' to hit me!  I figured she'd block it!  She SHOULDA
been ABLE to block it!  Geez, ain't you trained her at ALL?  SHE'S
the other heir to the school?  What kinda dipstick are you, to have
her at that level?"

Why must we hear this rant again? -_-  Surely, you can come up with a witty 
way to get this tired old scene out of the gutter if you have to use it.

    "But... but... but..."  Soun was dealing with the somewhat
bizarre concept of the redhead's apparent opinion being that Akane's
unconsciousness was HIS fault.

    "That punch wasn't even using Amaguriken speeds!  Man, you SUCK
as a sensei!"

...  This is utterly inappropriate.  Others have mentioned it.  I'm 
reiterating it here.  Besides this powering up Ranma quite a bit, why would 
he be so suddenly denouncing of something that most martial artists he'd 
encountered to that point never reach?  Why would he use that as a standard 
when he couldn't have possibly have known it for more than a short time?  
Unless this is altering even more significantly and placing Ranma at the 
Amazon tribe's village for years....

    "Now see here--"

    Cologne intervened.  "I suspect, Ranma, that he is probably a
decent teacher... had he the will to teach.  But you don't, do you?"
Now she glared at Soun.

Rushing.  Take the time.  Set it up.  Pace it.  Don't just fling things all 
out on the page.  That's inelegant.

    "But... she's my little girl..."

    "Idiot.  And the girl has some real potential too.  Wasted
because you think she's as weak as a male."

... AUTHOR, PUT THE CHARACTER-PUPPET DOWN!  DO NOT USE IT AS YOUR SOAP-BOX!  
There's no reason for Cologne to think this yet.  Assuming she followed 
Ranma and Akane to the Dojo and watched the fight, it was a bitter slaughter 
that ended with, what as best as you show, a single blow.  If that's what 
they call a sign of real potential, then I think I can point you to a bunch 
of scrawny geeks who must have the highest potential of them all.  I don't 
care if Akane DOES have real potential in this story, but show it.  Make it 
feel like it's there.  Then, when we're told it's there, we swallow it right 
up!

    "We're in Japan, Elder.  Ya can't say that after Pops, after
all."

    "Your father is a good teacher, when not a complete fool.  And I
admit he is strong."

    Oddly the panda somehow looked smug.

"But in the end..."

    Akane groaned as she came to consciousness.  "What... what
happened?"

    "Princess knock you out," supplied Shampoo.  "Is great honor."

... That's...ridiculously stupid.  It is somewhat smile worthy in how 
ridiculous it is (And would do better without the dragging it into the dirt 
of the follow up lines), but it really relies way too heavily on just being 
ridiculously stupid.  Whether you want to keep it or not, I'll just leave my 
analysis here that this joke delivers well at the start from the 
ridiculously stupid concept alone, but gets dragged down in the lines below. 
  It'd be better if you could deliver it without painting the giver as 
ridiculously stupid though.

    "She knocks me out all the time, Shampoo!  Doesn't that mean I'm
honored and worthy of--"

    "Stupid Mousse.  You get knock out because you be stupid.  Akane
spar with Princess."

    "Stop callin' me princess," grumbled the apparent royal.

    Akane stared at the girl who had-- there was no other term for
it-- beaten her.  "You... You're a lot better than I expected."

    "I'm better than a lot of people expected," Ranma replied with a
lopsided grin.  "Ask the Elder here."

    "Well... I'm just glad you're a girl."

    "Uh... Why?"

    "I'd really hate to be beaten by a BOY."

...  *Shrugs*  This just doesn't come off well here.  Maybe it's the setup 
being altered unsubtly, but it simply didn't fly with me.

    For some reason, Cologne, Shampoo, Mousse, AND the Panda all
looked strangely nervous while the girl looked... slightly depressed.

Why?  The setup was different.  The effects should be too.  Ranma's been 
around potential friend types for a while or so it seems, so latch syndrome 
seems odd here.

    Kasumi returned with the kettle at that moment, and screwed her
nose up at Ranma.  "My.  Don't you want a bath, Ranma-chan?"

    Ranma shrugged.  "Um... I guess that can wait for a bit--"

    "Oh, no.  You must be sweaty from your workout."  As Kasumi put
the kettle down she shuffled Ranma to the furo.

    Cologne gave Shampoo a nod.  Shampoo rose up to follow the two
headed to the bath.

    Akane watched them leave, and sighed.  "I'm still a bit
confused... I mean, I lost so fast.  I'm supposed to be the best
martial artist in Nerima."

U' Dialogue: Shallow.

Work on it.  It could be better.  The whole best from Nerima thing coming 
out so fast is awkward.

    Mousse shrugged.  "We aren't from Nerima."

    Cologne mumbled something under her breath that said little good
for her opinion of Neriman martial artists.  Then she paused.  The
girl DID have potential, mostly untapped.  She could sense pride that
wasn't-- in her opinion-- deserved, and a small undercurrent of
anger.  Wonder what that was directed at?

COLOGNE THE OMNISCIENT!  Come on, is this really needed here?  It feels like 
excess fat to my read.  Something that could be cut without hurting the 
eventual path of the fic.  You can have it built up to this later.  Right 
now with the characters acting how they are, the words feel just odd.

    Akane rose, a bit wobbly, and decided that a nice soak would be a
good idea.  She made her way to the furo door, only to be intercepted
by Shampoo.

    "You no go in bath."

    "Why not?"

    "Ranma in bath."

    Akane sighed.  "Look, I don't know how they do it in China, but
in Japan there's nothing wrong with two girls sharing the furo."

    Shampoo nodded.  "Is true.  Girls share bath, no wrong."

    "Good, I'm glad we understand each other.  Now, if you'll just--"

    "You no go in bath."

    Akane began to fume.  "Look, you agree that there's nothing wrong
with girls sharing a bath?"

    "Yes.  Is no wrong."

    "And the only person in there is Ranma, right?"

    "Yes.  Only Princess in bath."

    "Then there's nothing wrong with my going in and sharing--"

    "You no go in bath."

    "And why is that?"  Akane was on the verge of screaming.

    "Because Ranma in bath."

This is vaguely amusing.  But you play it too long.  Cut it to half the size 
you do and run with it.

    Akane snapped.  "Look, you... you whatever you are, start making
sense or I--"

    And the door to the furo opened, and instead of a petite but
buxom redhead emerging, a taller, lean raven-haired boy wearing the
same clothing stepped into the hallway, nodded at Shampoo, and made
his way to the common room, sighing deeply.

    "You go in now, is OK."

    "What- who-  where--"

    "Hiba-chan explain everything.  After you take bath.  Smell bad."

    Confused beyond any ability to generate anger, Akane wordlessly
complied...

"But in the end, it doesn't even matter."

    ####

    Akane stared at the boy, who was sitting at the table, flanked by
Shampoo and Mousse.  There was also a heavy set man sitting next to
Cologne, exchanging glares of mixed hostility and respect.  Nabiki
seemed as confused as anyone, Soun seemed to be radiating joy, and
Kasumi was, well, Kasumi.

    "At any rate, I am Genma Saotome, and this is my son, Ranma."

    "Huh?"  Akane was baffled at that statement.  "But Ranma is a
girl."

    "Only half girl," replied Shampoo.  "He Ranma."

    "Yeah.  We're REALLY sorry about this," added Mousse.

    "But... how is that possible?"

    Genma frowned.  "How do I explain--WAHHHHH!"  The latter was
because Cologne had somehow entangled her staff into his ankle and
tossed him into the Tendo's koi pond.

    "It's a transformative magic, you see," the Matriarch said as a
wet and infuriated panda rose from the waters, waving a sign that
read "What did you do THAT for?" and making sounds that redefined
Angry Panda Growfs.

Uh...  what's with the diction here?  They ARE angry panda Growfs.  They 
aren't redefining them.

    "He... He just turned into a panda!"  The normally unflappable
Nabiki was now truly flapped.

...You know, this works better if you don't, I know, have her being TRULY 
FLAPPED from her first line in the fic?

    "Hot water will turn him back, you see."  The Elder nursed her
tea.  "This is very good, by the way.  I know many men who can't make
tea this good."

    "Why, thank you, Cologne-san."  Kasumi beamed.  And then she
looked slightly puzzled at the statement.

Combine into two sentences.  "Why, thank you, Cologne-san." Kasumi beamed, 
looking slightly puzzled by the statement.

    "But... does that mean..."  Akane had a BAD feeling about this.

    Ranma sighed.  "Mousse, go ahead."

    Mousse nodded, produced a flask from apparently nowhere, and
doused Ranma.  Instant girl.  Akane, Nabiki, and Kasumi all stared.

    "You... you just turned into a--" stammered Nabiki, who was
having her mindset suddenly wrenched about in unusual fashion.

Too much exposition of what's going on.  State it once.  Don't do it two or 
three times. You show her stammering in the dialogue and you tell us she is 
stammering and you give us the lead up to it.  We don't need another part 
explaining why the lead up effected her this way.

    "Have been for about a year.  Ain't so bad, except when SOME
people get the idea I should be one INSIDE as well."

The start of a timeline!  Finally!

    "Oh, MY."  Kasumi was unusually flustered.  "Oh, oh... GOODNESS."

    Akane was petrified.  She HAD been beaten by a boy.  More than
beaten-- she had been totally OWNED by a boy.  COMPLETELY and TOTALLY
OUTCLASSED BY A BOY.

    This was a VERY BAD THING TO HAPPEN.

This was a very uninteresting bit of dialogue.  You are overharping this and 
thus ruining the effect.  You are almost making this feel like it's coldly 
serious.  Portraying Akane with a sense of horror at the event that went 
over the funny into the terrified range.  Unless I and many others mistake 
something, such as this being a funny fic, this is a bad thing.

    "But... but how?"  Nabiki was still trying to figure out the
concept of Instant Girl, just add water.

    "A strange and marvelous tale, that, as I shall now relate,"
noted Cologne.

Somehow, that feels like a misuse of the 'noted' term.  I'm not sure, but 
you might want to check it.

    ####

    "And as she rose from the pool, tears of joy filled her eyes,
and she cried to the heavens, 'Thank you, oh Holy Ones, for this
OUCH! "

Why is Cologne telling the tale instead of Ranma?  Just curious.  And...I'm 
left still wanting an explanation of how things got this way.  I really hope 
they show up soon.

    "You were doing okay, until that bit," Ranma said after
withdrawing her fist from the top of Cologne's head.  "But you know
damn well I kinda went nuts and tried to kill Pops instead."

    "It was poetic license," grumbled the elder.  Although she was
gratified in the fact that Ranma's training had advanced to the point
where the teen could take her by surprise.

I think the comments on his training aren't really adding anything here.

    "Anyhow, the guide says that the Jokusetzoku might know about a
cure.  So we go there, and well, things got kinda strange..."

    ####

    Fifteen year old Ranma Saotome, trained to be the best martial
artist of his generation was proving that to be very likely as he--
or rather she-- was doing her level best not to be killed.

YAY, MORE TIMELINE!  Okay, got to Jusenkyou at 15.  Stayed with the Amazons 
from 15-16.  And he's 16 now.

    It seemed a bit over the top, these Amazon chicks reactions.  I
mean, it was just FOOD for crying out loud.  And then beating this
Nair chick for the prize.  What was this Kiss of Death crap?

    Whatever it was, this Nair wasn't about to let her get a running
start.  (She was supposed to, but Ranma didn't know that, and Nair
was insanely proud.)  So she danced back from a sword thrust...and
knocked over another Warrior Woman.

    Who took offense at this.  She threw a punch at the redhead, who
dodged it, and accidentally stomped the foot of ANOTHER girl.

    It escalated from there, to wind up with her now in a leaping
erratic dodging pattern against at least a dozen of the Amazon
Fruitcakes, as she thought of them.

Super-Ranma?  This lead in simply isn't working for me.  And technically, 
while the king arthur shtick below does much better, it doesn't work for me 
either.

    If it had been only one or two... but with this many, she'd need
an edge.  A weapon.  Ranma disdained relying on weapons, but against
this many opponents she'd need something to defend herself until she
could escape.

    And lucky her, there was a bo-staff just lying around.  Well, not
exactly lying, but at least accessible, and she leapt for it and
grasped it-- and started to pull with all her might.

    Cologne stared in grim interest as the young redheaded outsider's
hand clasped the Staff of Ages, where it was sealed as it had been
for the past two thousand years, thrust through an anvil and into
stone by a foreign wizard.  When asked why he'd done that to the
sacred weapon, his response was, "It worked for the kid."

    It would avail her not, of course.  The strongest, most worthy of
Champions had for centuries tried to remove the staff, without
success.  It would, in a way, be sad to see such a fighter die at the
last moment because she attempted to take a weapon that could not
be--

    The staff moved, slightly.  The outsider pulled desperately, and
the amassed warriors slowed, staring as the relic began to pull free
of the encasement.

    Then with a mighty final heave, she withdrew the sacred weapon.

    A ray of golden light sprang from the heavens, to illuminate the
figure in her tattered gi.

    A hundred doves sprang from the bushes to circle over her head.

    Wolves howled.

    Lions roared.

    Elephants trumpeted.

    Badgers made whatever noise it is that badgers make.  All this,
by the way, was extremely ominous, since there were no wolves, lions,
elephants or badgers in that area of China.

... Ooookay.  Yeah...

    The ground trembled slightly.  Probably from the impact of all
the noisy wolves, lions, elephants and badgers that weren't there.

... No.

    Thunder rolled, from a clear sky.  It didn't intend to be shown
up by a bunch of nonexistent animals.

    Finally, as if to make certain everyone understood the importance
of what had just happened, a passing choir of angels, on their way to
the four o'clock serenade of the Almighty, decided to do one last
quick rehearsal of Alleluia number 36.

    "Hold!" called Cologne.  "I'm not certain, but this may be
significant."

A)This is the best joke given so far.  The lead up was not great, but it was 
there.  The effort was behind the delivery and it shows.  It's not the best 
joke out there, but it's decent and it has some delivery behind it, even if 
it's a bit flat.
B)Unfortunately that's not saying much.  You should work to make every joke 
at least this good.

    ####

    "The prophecies are pretty clear.  She who removes the Staff of
Ages from the stone--"

    "And the anvil it was stuck in too."

    Cologne glared at Prell, and sighed.  "Yes, there is the anvil.
But that's not important.  What is important is that she who removes
the Staff from the stone is our destined Queen."

    "When she turns twenty-one, isn't it?  Until then, she's more of
a princess."

    "I didn't say she was a queen YET.  She'll have to train, of
course, in the way of battle."

    Lilac smirked.  "Not very damn MUCH, I'd say.  Never saw ANYONE
that fast, that young.  Or skilled...   GOT to be one of the most
impressive performances I have ever seen.  And I've seen some VERY
impressive per--"

    "Is this going to degenerate into one of your memories of an old
conquest in your youth?"

    "Is there something wrong with that?"

    The Warmistress and the Healer started to glare daggers-- or
rather, broadswords, considering the intensity, when Prell, the
Lorekeeper interrupted.  "There's some other parts of the Prophecy
that must be addressed.  The Queen comes from the Rising Sun.  She
doesn't look like she could live on the surface of--"

    "They call Japan the Land of the Rising Sun, Prell."  Prell knew
everything there was to know about the Amazon people... and damn
little else.  She also had a tendency to being very literal.

    "Oh?  That works, then.  Um, let's see... it also says that she
shall be a Wild Horse.  She looks pretty human--"

    "Ranma means Wild Horse in Japanese."

    "Really?  How odd.  It also says that she shall be as woman and
man.  I don't quite get that part..."

    Cologne sighed.  "Prell, it's obviously a reference to her ruling
the entire Amazon Nation and reforging our laws and traditions, for
both sexes.  Isn't it clear?"

    Lilac poked Cologne in the side, and pointed to the redhead who
had just finished heating a kettle, while surrounded by uncertain
guards.  "I think it's more literal than that."

    "What do you mean-- Oh.  OH, MY.  This complicates things.  I
don't-- YOU GIRLS!  STOP THAT!  NO KISSES OF MARRAIGE OR DEATH OR
ANYTHING UNTIL WE WORK THIS OUT!"

    There were many disappointed sighs.

This whole scene didn't work.  It lacked heart.  I'd suggest dropping it in 
it's entirety.

    ####

    "At any rate, we peered over every stanza of the prophecy.  There
was no possible doubt that Ranma was the promised Future Queen."  At
Ranma's cough, Cologne added, "In our minds, at least.  Ranma here
disagrees."

    "Yeah, well, I admit the stuff I learned there was cool.  And I
like learning stuff from you.  But I ain't no queen.  OR princess.  I
might be half girl, but only on the outside."

    "You'll change your tune.  It's inevitable."

    Soun blinked.  All he could really focus on was that there was a
Ranma.  "So... cold water changes you?"

    "Yup.  THAT'S kinda obvious, ain't it?"

    "And hot water changes you back?"

    "Yep.  And I'd really like some right now.  Not too hot,
o'course..."

    "Why, then, your problem isn't so bad after all!"  Soun was now
positively beaming.  "These are my daughters.  Kasumi, age 19.
Nabiki, age 17.  And Akane, age 16.  Pick any one you like as your
fiancee!"

    Before anyone could say anything-- and Kasumi and Nabiki were
about to, they were stopped by Ranma's incredulous roar of, "My
WHAT?"

...  Does not compuuuuuute.

    A now human Genma nodded.  "I was just about to explain that,
Ranma, before I was interrupted on the way by a certain someone."

    "You said old friend-- before it started to rain anyhow.  You
NEVER said NOTHIN' about no FIANCEES!"

Uh..huh.  Sorry man, you need to explain WHY THEY LEFT CHINA.  What was the 
reasoning they gave to the tribe who view Ranma as a sort of sacred 
treasure/holy leader?  What was the explanation to Ranma on why they were 
heading across the seas?  In the original, they had the distraction of being 
attacked and the reason of GETTING AWAY FROM THE CRAZY AMAZON CHICK!  Here 
they have?

    Soun began to glower.  "Are you suggesting that my daughters
aren't GOOD enough for you, Ranma-kun?"

    Before Ranma could retort, Cologne interrupted.  "She may not
hold such an opinion.  However, I am not certain that any of them are
worthy of our Princess' male state."

    "Here we go," murmured Genma.  "Unless Soun's changed a lot in
the last twenty years..."

twenty?  Umm, so he didn't see Soun for 4-5 years before Ranma was born?  
Think you want 15 here.  Or more likely decade.  Minor thing *shrugs*

    The air about Soun Tendo seemed to waver a bit, and then exploded
into a grotesque, monstrous, even demoniacal grotesquerie.  To which
Ranma reacted with great nervousness, Mousse gasped in horror and
leapt into Shampoo's arms--  who was petrified for a moment, and then
dropped Mousse, Genma sighed, and Cologne merely stared with
facination.

By giving that idly comic image mixed in with the other paragraph, you rob 
it of a lot of it's potential IMO.

    "My.  A ki-fueled emotional aura, calculated to inspire terror.
About a hundred years too late to bother ME, of course.  But fairly
impressive, actually,  Explains the youngest's potential... though
not how it's been wasted."

Sigh, please show it and don't tell us?

    Soun, in shock, allowed the Demon's Head Aura to drop.  It had no
effect on the old woman? That couldn't be!

    Genma nodded.  "Used to scare the pants off of me, but after a
year seeing some of the things in China, I'm not that impressed
anymore."

...  What is it with SuperCHINA in this fic?  You really are overdoing it.

    "I still want an explanation about this fiancee crap!"  The
redhead was glowering at just about everyone.

    "Well, son, years ago Soun and I made a pact, that as a matter of
honor, our families would be joined in matrimony, to join our houses
and our schools.  Family honor rides upon the fulfillment of this
pact."

And this should've come out in them coming from the village.  Unless you 
have something else in mind?  If you do, please enlighten me.  I don't want 
to push down on this fic necessarily, but I'm having a hard time managing 
the extra faces allowing the contrivance you need to get Ranma over there 
without him knowing.

    "Oh, for cryin' out loud--"

    "You don't want to marry one of my girls?"  demanded Soun.

    "I don't wanna marry ANYONE," retorted Ranma.  "I got enough
problems without marrying some girl I just MET.  I mean, I don't even
KNOW them!"

    "What's your point?" asked the Tendo patriarch.

    "Please tell me you ain't for real."

    "Ranma," Cologne sighed, "As little as I like to admit it,
arranged marraiges are not unknown amongst our people as well.  And
when your father calls honor into the pact, I can only follow.  At
the least, an engagement can be held, until such time as we can
figure out a resolution that will satisfy all parties."

    "Excellent," beamed Soun.  "All that needs to be done is for the
boy to choose--"

    "I shall choose.  If Ranma must have a fiancee, it will be one
worthy of our future queen," Cologne retorted.  "Assuming any of
these girls ARE worthy, that is."

    "I knew she'd start meddlin' again," grumped the unwilling
princess.

    Cologne examined the three.  All were stunned at the exchange
before them, none were willing to speak.  The situation was surreal
beyond a mere omiae.

    "Hmm.  Too soft, too Japanese in heart, this one.  And this one
is of a Shark's kin," said Cologne, dismissing Kasumi and Nabiki out
of hand.

    "What does that mean, exactly?" complained Nabiki.  It certainly
didn't sound complementary.

    "Oh, my," said Kasumi, taken somewhat aback at Cologne's casual
dismissal.

    But Cologne ignored them, staring at Akane.  "You.  You have
fire, you have spirit.  You have potential to be a warrior of merit
that has been shamefully wasted, but that can be fixed.  You'll do,
girl, you'll do."

... This isn't necessary man.  Take them all and don't use Cologne as a 
puppet.  Take the time to build Akane as the obvious best instead of giving 
Cologne SuperOBSERVATIONAL POWERS.  It'll make the story much better and 
feel a heck of a lot less like it's just a vehicle to get them together 
(instead of a story in which they simply work naturally).  Give Nabiki time 
to act like a shark instead of just telling us "Yeah, she's a shark".  It 
feels less contrived!

    Akane blinked.  And then she exploded.  "Now JUST A MINUTE--"

    Soun had returned to his jovial self again.  "Well, then it's
settled!  Akane is Ranma's fiancee!"

    "DADDY!  I CAN'T MARRY THIS-- THIS PERVERT!"

    "Hey!  What do you mean, pervert!" demanded Ranma.

    "You turn into a girl!"

    "And this makes me a pervert, how?"

There have been other comments on this.  Concise to say, I agree with them.  
This really doesn't feel like it belongs.  It feels forced.

    "It... it just DOES!"

    "Okay.  Cologne, can you think again?  I don't need a fiancee
who's crazy."

    "WHAT?"

    The elder sighed.  "She's a foolish young girl who isn't worthy
of you yet, Princess, but she has possibilities.  We'll see how it
goes."

    Ranma sighed.  She turned her head to her father, who was
nodding.  "Joy."

    Shampoo was thumbing through a Japanese/Chinese dictionary,
trying to find the word pervert.  When she did, she blinked.  "Angry
girl silly.  Ranma no pervert."

    "I bet he's not!  Look at him!  Her!  Whatever!  It's like it
doesn't even MATTER to him, turning into a girl!"

    "Like I said, a year lets you get used to a lot of things,"
Ranma said evenly.  "And I still don't see what's got you so worked
up."

    "Well, for one thing, you were going to peep on me in the
bathroom!"

    "Hunh?  When?"

    "When I was going to join you in the bath!"

    Ranma blinked, and chewed this for a moment.  "Okay, let me get
this straight.  I was taking a bath.  You were going to join me in
the bath.  Somehow this was all some nefarious ploy to get you to
walk in on me naked so I could get an eyeful.  Am I the only one that
sees this as a broken theory?"

This briefly makes me smile.  That is a good thing.  At the same time, it 
requires us to view Akane as nutso to get the joke across.  And truthfully, 
I don't think that's a good joke to make given the fic so far.  As I said 
above, it just reads as trying too hard.

    Akane spluttered, but found herself unable to refute this.

    "Is silly.  Angry Girl just jealous, Shampoo think."

    "Jealous?" demanded the angry girl in question.  "Why would I be
jealous of that-- that creature?"  At the moment she was angry at the
entire world-- perhaps not without reason-- and her temper was on the
brink of breaking.

    "No is big deal, if Ranma see girl naked.  Ranma see self all
time.  Ranma never peek at girl in village, even though many girl
wish would.  Besides, Ranma have too too better body than Angry Girl
anyway!"  Shampoo wasn't at ALL happy about the insults thrown at her
princess, or she wouldn't have said that.

    WHAM!

    "See?  I knew it!  IF this untrained girl can catch the Champion
off guard like that, her potential is great indeed," chortled
Cologne.

I tried so hard, and got so far,
but in the end, it doesn't even matter.

That's what this scene and several parts of this fic have made me think of.  
It tries too hard.  This joke especially does.  You are just having to 
stretch too often in this fic to produce a joke.  This suggests one of two 
things:
A)Maybe you should drop the comedy altogether on it.  Try and tell this tale 
as straight faced drama.  It might work better.
B)Rework the comedy of it from the ground up.  Make it blend with the fic 
instead of seeming often odd tangentals.

    Mousse peered at the flattened Shampoo, under the table that
Akane had hit her with, and said, sadly, "I hate to say this, my
love, but that you had coming."

No.  Just No.  This is like the AYB of Ranma Fanfiction.  If it was funny, 
all the funny has been squeezed out of it.  It's been ground into the dust, 
lifted up, patted down, ground under again, and then nuked several times 
just to see if any more comedy can be gotten out of it.  The Well Is Dry!

    ####

    Later, after Kasumi had apologised to Shampoo with the rather
peculiar description of Akane as a "Very sweet girl, just rather high
spirited", and Ranma had been returned to a male state, the Amazons
were discussing things.

Maybe I'm mistaken...but why are you changing just that part of that line 
while keeping the frame story virtually the same?

    "Hey, I'da been pretty hostile myself if I'da been in her shoes.
And ya probably shouldn't have gone and said that.  If there's one
thing I learned in the village, it's be nice about a girl's looks.
And she's kinda cute when she ain't yelling."

    "Cute?  Hah.  She too too uncute."  Shampoo was aggrieved at the
realisation that while here in Japan, Cologne had forbidden the Kiss
of Death OR Marraige.  There was one she dearly wished to deliver at
the moment.

Realization I do believe.  And this scene just doesn't flow right.  Shampoo 
IS a girl.  She KNOWS how they react.  You are playing off an awkwardness 
that has no reason to be there.

    "Definitely has a fighting spirit, though," noted Mousse.

    Shampoo nodded.  "Is one thing make Shampoo happy, though."

    "What's that?"

    "Great Grandmother say Shampoo start train Akane.  Shampoo get
even AND do duty!"

    Ranma sighed.  One thing was for sure... this wasn't going to be
a boring visit to Japan.

And they are staying?  Why?  Really...  this need more meat.

Okay, spent way too much time, so hope this was useful.  I really think the 
comedy in here can be taken to a much higher level.  Work with your material 
better and don't just rely on it to be funny by itself.  And kill some of 
the cliches tossed in just to be there.  I don't think they help at all.

Dracos

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