"Robert Haynie Jr." <kenjiko2@knology.net> writes:
(Ranma was created by Rumiko Takahashi, and is published in the
US by Viz Communications. Humphrey Bogart is not in this fanfiction,
at least not at the moment, but I could go totally insane at any
minute so I'm not making any promises...)
HUMPHREY BOGART: Write it, Sam; write it!
Part One... Here's... Um... a whole lot of people?
####
Soun Tendo stared at the cheap postcard in his hand, smiling.
"Bringing Ranma and company from China. May be complications
with our pact. Not my fault. Genma"
Being the sort of person who only really sees what he wants to
see, he managed to not really read anything but four words--
Bringing, Ranma, From, and China. Happily he went to call his three
daughters together, and make his grand announcement. Strangely, (at
least to him) they didn't really seem very pleased, but he managed to
ignore that as well. He had a positive talent for it. The only one
with any enthusiasm for the matter was Nabiki, who when the door-bell
rang, went to get it, assuming that the young man was there.
She returned in a moment shaken and pale. "There's an old monkey
on a stick arguing with a panda on our doorstep."
Normally Soun was the sort of person who only really heard what
he wanted to hear, also. But this statement was the sort that cut
through his comforting blanket of self-absorption, and he went to the
front door to gaze upon this remarkable spectacle himself.
It turned out that his daughter had made a less than accurate
report. The monkey and the panda were also arguing with a red-headed
girl, another with violet tresses, and a boy with long ebon hair and
Another what? sugg: 'another girl'.
ebony hair
thick glasses. Well, technically, the boy was arguing with the dojo
sign, but that seemed a minor point at this juncture.
"You realize that any such match is unacceptable without approval
of the Council of Elders as a whole! Don't you realize how important
the girl is to our people?"
So why did Ranma come here in the first place? What did Genma say that
could convince Cologne (and without tipping Ranma ofF).
Soun stood there in the rain for a moment, before he realized
that whatever he HAD let into the house, it certainly wasn't Saotome
and Son.
He was understandably mistaken... but who wouldn't be?
Right, that's covered by the 'understandably' part. So you shoul
either drop 'understandably' or 'who wouldn't be'.
"That punch wasn't even using Amaguriken speeds! Man, you SUCK
as a sensei!"
Because, yeah, Ranma sucked before he underwent the rather specialized
training (that no one in all of Japan had evinced any knowledge of),
and Shampoo never demonstrated such speed, despite probably getting
exposed to some Amazonian training...
This makes absolutely no sense.
And the door to the furo opened, and instead of a petite but
buxom redhead emerging, a taller, lean raven-haired boy wearing the
same clothing stepped into the hallway, nodded at Shampoo, and made
his way to the common room, sighing deeply.
"You go in now, is OK."
"What- who- where--"
"Hiba-chan explain everything. After you take bath. Smell bad."
You don't use Hiba-chan anywhere else in the fic,and I don't remember
any other Japanese. Suggest translating it.
"And as she rose from the pool, tears of joy filled her eyes,
and she cried to the heavens, 'Thank you, oh Holy Ones, for this
OUCH! "
"You were doing okay, until that bit," Ranma said after
withdrawing her fist from the top of Cologne's head. "But you know
damn well I kinda went nuts and tried to kill Pops instead."
"It was poetic license," grumbled the elder. Although she was
gratified in the fact that Ranma's training had advanced to the point
where the teen could take her by surprise.
Ah yes, the infamous 'poetically enhanced' flashbacks the Ranma
characters can produce ;-)
"Anyhow, the guide says that the Jokusetzoku might know about a
cure. So we go there, and well, things got kinda strange..."
####
Fifteen year old Ranma Saotome, trained to be the best martial
artist of his generation was proving that to be very likely as he--
or rather she-- was doing her level best not to be killed.
So you've moved up Ranma's excursion into China. Hmm...
Then with a mighty final heave, she withdrew the sacred weapon.
A ray of golden light sprang from the heavens, to illuminate the
figure in her tattered gi.
A hundred doves sprang from the bushes to circle over her head.
Wolves howled.
Lions roared.
Elephants trumpeted.
Badgers made whatever noise it is that badgers make. All this,
by the way, was extremely ominous, since there were no wolves, lions,
elephants or badgers in that area of China.
The ground trembled slightly. Probably from the impact of all
the noisy wolves, lions, elephants and badgers that weren't there.
Thunder rolled, from a clear sky. It didn't intend to be shown
up by a bunch of nonexistent animals.
Finally, as if to make certain everyone understood the importance
of what had just happened, a passing choir of angels, on their way to
the four o'clock serenade of the Almighty, decided to do one last
quick rehearsal of Alleluia number 36.
"Hold!" called Cologne. "I'm not certain, but this may be
significant."
Heh. Very good.
"Ranma," Cologne sighed, "As little as I like to admit it,
arranged marraiges are not unknown amongst our people as well. And
when your father calls honor into the pact, I can only follow. At
the least, an engagement can be held, until such time as we can
figure out a resolution that will satisfy all parties."
And when Ukyo et al show up...? That could be fun.
Come to think of it, it's not clear why Cologne wouldn't have gotten
Nodoka involved, with her (in this fic) apparent prejudice against
men. It seems unlikely she wouldn't have interrogated Genma about
Ranma's background...
But Cologne ignored them, staring at Akane. "You. You have
fire, you have spirit. You have potential to be a warrior of merit
that has been shamefully wasted, but that can be fixed. You'll do,
girl, you'll do."
And here's where the fic veers off in a direction that left me almost
completely behind: I don't think canon supports an Akane quite that
distant behind Shampoo (or, I should say, a Shampoo that far ahead of
Akane, and Shampoo is apparently one of the better Amazon fighters); I
thought the repeated refrain of 'wasted potential', 'could be good but
isn't', and so on got a little tiring. It's not Akane bashing,
necessarily (particularly in this alter-verse), and it could work well
as a plot point to place Akane firmly in the student role, but (and
maybe I'm just overly sensitive to this) I thought it got stressed too
much, and it got old fast.
####
Later, after Kasumi had apologised to Shampoo with the rather
peculiar description of Akane as a "Very sweet girl, just rather high
spirited", and Ranma had been returned to a male state, the Amazons
were discussing things.
"Hey, I'da been pretty hostile myself if I'da been in her shoes.
And ya probably shouldn't have gone and said that. If there's one
thing I learned in the village, it's be nice about a girl's looks.
And she's kinda cute when she ain't yelling."
"Cute? Hah. She too too uncute." Shampoo was aggrieved at the
realisation that while here in Japan, Cologne had forbidden the Kiss
of Death OR Marraige. There was one she dearly wished to deliver at
Marriage
"Great Grandmother say Shampoo start train Akane. Shampoo get
even AND do duty!"
Ranma sighed. One thing was for sure... this wasn't going to be
a boring visit to Japan.
But that one criticism about the 'repeated pointing out of weak
Nerimans' aside, I really enjoyed the fic. Lots of humorous aside
(more than I pointed out, definitely; I only responded to the ones I
thought most worthy of comment), very smooth prose, only a few
mistakes in spelling or grammar. (I've indicated a few above as I
re-read). The concept is interesting; a Ranma being trained to
command. (Or, at the very least, to figure-heading, while Cologne
commands). That probably explains his increased public speaking
skills and overall improved social abilities. I'm not sure exactly
where the conflict will come in, unless it's simply the expectations
of the tribe versus Ranma's free will.
I'll definitely watch for the next chapter.