"David A. Tatum" <desaix@anifics.com> writes:
Okay, I rarely make comments -- especially nowadays, when I don't have
enough time to write my own fics, much less help people with theirs, but
there are several things I just had to respond to in this C&C... (I do
not mean this insultingly, even if it comes off so -- I am merely trying
to inform, and I'm too tired and stretched too thin to do so politely...
not to mention I'm typing with one hand, since I recently dislocated not
one, but three fingers in my left hand (I'm left-handed), so I'm having
a lot of trouble typing right now)
Doh. Sorry to hear that.
girl, another with violet tresses, and a boy with long ebon hair and
Another what? sugg: 'another girl'.
ebony hair
No, ebon is correct here. Ebon is an adjective form of ebony. Ebony is
occasionally used as an adjective, too, nowadays, but ebon is perfectly
correct. And fits better, IMO.
OK, making a note of that. (Makes sense).
Soun stood there in the rain for a moment, before he realized
that whatever he HAD let into the house, it certainly wasn't Saotome
and Son.
He was understandably mistaken... but who wouldn't be?
Right, that's covered by the 'understandably' part. So you shoul
either drop 'understandably' or 'who wouldn't be'.
Um, not necessarily. I think there should be a 'then' between but and
who, but otherwise you need to realize that this is a form of comedic
prose which occasionally calls for overemphasizing things with certain
turns of phrase. It works perfectly fine, as that, and removing either
part of that sentence wouldn't work as well comedically.
The author's call; I don't think it works as given.
('He was understandably mistaken... and who wouldn't be?' would be
a similar turn of phrase that seems better to me).
Come to think of it, it's not clear why Cologne wouldn't have gotten
Nodoka involved, with her (in this fic) apparent prejudice against
men. It seems unlikely she wouldn't have interrogated Genma about
Ranma's background...
Perhaps she has, perhaps she hasn't. She more likely interrogated RANMA
about his background, and since he (in canon) doesn't even remember
having a mother, it's possibly she'd leave it at that and assume his
mother is either dead or impossible to find.
If they've been at the Amazon village for a year, I'd be surprised
that nobody ever talked with Genma about it (again, considering the
obvious importance of the Prophecied One's history, and their evident
sexism... what feminine influences has she had?). This is a plot point
that can readily be explained (by authorial fiat if nothing else), but
I think it ties in to the fic bulling through some of the likely
divergences that others have commented on.
But Cologne ignored them, staring at Akane. "You. You have
fire, you have spirit. You have potential to be a warrior of merit
that has been shamefully wasted, but that can be fixed. You'll do,
girl, you'll do."
And here's where the fic veers off in a direction that left me almost
completely behind: I don't think canon supports an Akane quite that
distant behind Shampoo (or, I should say, a Shampoo that far ahead of
Akane, and Shampoo is apparently one of the better Amazon fighters); I
thought the repeated refrain of 'wasted potential', 'could be good but
isn't', and so on got a little tiring. It's not Akane bashing,
necessarily (particularly in this alter-verse), and it could work well
as a plot point to place Akane firmly in the student role, but (and
maybe I'm just overly sensitive to this) I thought it got stressed too
much, and it got old fast.
Power level interpretations for the various Ranma cast-members are quite
varied. [snip] Nevertheless, this is one area I can't quite see
making a justifiable complaint about....
And the stuff of Fight Threads everywhere (quick: Akane vs the
Enterprise!). Akane's actual abilities is somewhat tangential to my
point, however; I thought there was a hefty theme from this point on
that rubbed my nose in Akane (and Nerima's) inferiority, which I
thought affected the story. I'm fine with a weaker Akane, but I tend
contrarian when I feel the story is pressing a position upon me too
unsubtly.
(incidentally, Robert, I think I forgot to mention, there was a scene
where you described Ranma's selecting a mate. I'd suggest 'consort' to
fit in with the royal theme and sound a bit more dignified. :-)