David Johnston wrote:

  "DADDY!  I CAN'T MARRY THIS-- THIS PERVERT!"

But here's the big one.  Akane refers to Ranma as a pervert because
she gets the idea in her head that he's a naked intruder in her house.
If she never sees him naked in the bath then she isn't going to call
him a pervert.  She'll call him, I don't know, a freak, a mutant,
a hermaphrodite, or something.  Ranma's right, her response is crazy
because it doesn't match the changed circumstances.  It's like she's
got a script from the main timeline and is following it while everyone
else has the updates.

Absolutely agree. The dynamic on her part is exactly the same as the
original source material, despite the meeting between the two being
different on many levels. It's like Kenko's trying to say 'While things are
going to be different, the relationship between them certainly isn't, so
it's going to be the exact same thing from the first moment they meet, even
though there's no reason for it.' It's almost a contrivance. In any case,
there's definitely an obligatory feel to it, which only weakens the fic, as
well as potential character dynamics.

As to the rest of the fic, while it is early to tell what you're going to do
with this, the humor in it feels very off to me. Almost forced. It's like
you're trying too hard to be silly, and it ends up coming off that way
rather than flowing into the humor naturally, and trying to force humor is
the quickest way to kill it. Humor's subjective, though, and I can't tell
you how to 'improve' things. Maybe try to pace it better, and not force
matters.

It's too early to tell what you're going to do with the 'Queen' concept
(other than it'll be a humor fic), since it's only the first part. On its
own the concept neither intrigues me nor turns me off. So it'll be in how
you execute the idea if I'll find it interesting or not. The start is a bit
standard, but it can't be helped, and you did thankfully skip over some
parts wisely.

Not much else I can think of to say.

DB Sommer




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