Okay, I rarely make comments -- especially nowadays, when I don't have
enough time to write my own fics, much less help people with theirs, but
there are several things I just had to respond to in this C&C...  (I do
not mean this insultingly, even if it comes off so -- I am merely trying
to inform, and I'm too tired and stretched too thin to do so politely...
not to mention I'm typing with one hand, since I recently dislocated not
one, but three fingers in my left hand (I'm left-handed), so I'm having
a lot of trouble typing right now)

girl, another with violet tresses, and a boy with long ebon hair and

Another what? sugg: 'another girl'.

ebony hair

No, ebon is correct here.  Ebon is an adjective form of ebony.  Ebony is
occasionally used as an adjective, too, nowadays, but ebon is perfectly
correct.  And fits better, IMO.

    Soun stood there in the rain for a moment, before he realized
that whatever he HAD let into the house, it certainly wasn't Saotome
and Son.

    He was understandably mistaken... but who wouldn't be?

Right, that's covered by the 'understandably' part. So you shoul
either drop 'understandably' or 'who wouldn't be'.

Um, not necessarily.  I think there should be a 'then' between but and
who, but otherwise you need to realize that this is a form of comedic
prose which occasionally calls for overemphasizing things with certain
turns of phrase.  It works perfectly fine, as that, and removing either
part of that sentence wouldn't work as well comedically.

Come to think of it, it's not clear why Cologne wouldn't have gotten
Nodoka involved, with her (in this fic) apparent prejudice against
men. It seems unlikely she wouldn't have interrogated Genma about
Ranma's background...

Perhaps she has, perhaps she hasn't.  She more likely interrogated RANMA
about his background, and since he (in canon) doesn't even remember
having a mother, it's possibly she'd leave it at that and assume his
mother is either dead or impossible to find.

    But Cologne ignored them, staring at Akane.  "You.  You have
fire, you have spirit.  You have potential to be a warrior of merit
that has been shamefully wasted, but that can be fixed.  You'll do,
girl, you'll do."

And here's where the fic veers off in a direction that left me almost
completely behind: I don't think canon supports an Akane quite that
distant behind Shampoo (or, I should say, a Shampoo that far ahead of
Akane, and Shampoo is apparently one of the better Amazon fighters); I
thought the repeated refrain of 'wasted potential', 'could be good but
isn't', and so on got a little tiring.  It's not Akane bashing,
necessarily (particularly in this alter-verse), and it could work well
as a plot point to place Akane firmly in the student role, but (and
maybe I'm just overly sensitive to this) I thought it got stressed too
much, and it got old fast.

Power level interpretations for the various Ranma cast-members are quite
varied.  I, personally, have long been told that my rankings place Akane
much higher than most people do -- where I believe that she's stronger
than Kodachi, Tatewaki, and anyone weaker than them, and a few notches
below Shampoo and Ukyo.  Many people believe Akane is nothing more than
merely the weakest of the entire cast of martial artists, or perhaps
merely stronger than any non-martial artists who show.  Of all the
girls, Shampoo is fairly consistantly rated the highest in terms of
power for the regulars -- and is one of the few girls to actually have a
real fight with Akane, where she trounced her soundly (Memory formula
shampoo arc).

Regardless, it's definitely up for interpretation as to how strong or
weak the characters in the series are.  Some people believe Shampoo, at
the START of the series, is really stronger than Ranma, and has the
Bakusai Tenketsu, the Amaguriken, and the Hiryuu Shouten Ha... as she
HAS lived with the Amazons her whole life, after all, and is supposedly
their champion.  Others think she's much weaker than Ranma, but still
stronger than Akane.  Nevertheless, this is one area I can't quite see
making a justifiable complaint about....  (Nor do I want to start an
argument which will likely turn into a character debate about it.  All
I'm saying is that there's sufficient evidence in canon that Shampoo and
the Amazons her age in general COULD be so much better than Akane, so I
find this comment a bit weak to justify.  And this is from a VERY
pro-Akane supporter, mind you)

I'll definitely watch for the next chapter.

As will I...

--
See http://www.geocities.com/elisteran for my
work and links.
Any and all C&C appreciated.

-------------------------
David A. Tatum
http://davecon.anifics.com
desaix@anifics.com
Going to AnimeUSA 2003?  Do you write fanfics?  If so, please contact me
about participating in the AnimeUSA 2003 Fanfic Panel.  I'm told this
will be the first fanfic panel AnimeUSA will have held, so I hope to
make it extra special.



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