Karaohki wrote:

DING-DONG!

"Would someone answer that, please?  My hands are full!"

"Okay, Kasumi!"  Akane ran to the door and opened it.  "Oh, hello!  Yes,
thank you.  I'll bring it to her right away."

Hmm. Generally I prefer something to indicate time between the sentences
when there's 'missing' dialogue (such as only hearing one side of a phone
conversation. In light of the fact the guy is at the door, unless he's
speaking in a hoarse whisper, the person hearing Akane would hear him as
well. I'd cut the dialogue and just have Akane return and explain it's a
package



 A few seconds later she was

in the kitchen, holding a thick manila envelope.  "That was the mailman.
Where do you want me to put this?"

Up your ass, Kasumi did not say, since that would be rude. Instead she went
with the more mundane...

"Up on
the shelf with my cookbooks, dear.  This way it won't get dirty."

"What is it?"

"Just a little project I'm going to try."

Anyone trying to do something 'mysterious' is usually a bad sign.

"What would that be, Daughter?" asked Soun.

"I need some quiet time here at the house, for

don't think you need the comma

 a project I'm working on.

That means that there is to be no fighting, no yelling, no loud noises of
any kind, for at least two hours this morning and tomorrow morning.  Can I
have everyone's cooperation?"

Ranma shrugged.  "Today's no problem for me.  I'll be at school, and--" he
gestured at Akane--"she'll be with me, so if she hits me you won't be able
to hear it."

Ranma's usually not scathing that way, since Akane didn't do anything to
provoke that. It might be better if he just says something about Akane being
at school and not causing trouble (which would elicit a grunt, and I don't
know as Ranma regards himself as the type to cause trouble. Of course we
know he does, just that he doesn't picture himself as doing it.)

The three young people

wordy. Just saying 'The trio' would suffice.

 >

"I can't believe how patient Kasumi is being," remarked Akane.  "If it

was

me, I'd have clobbered everybody by now."

"Yeah, I know."

Now that's the unthinking Ranma. :)

Eh, I don't know. It was much of a punchline for all that build up. This one
kind of fell flat for me. Grammar was good, though.

DB Sommer



             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'