Ha! Bet you weren't expecting any feedback from one this long ago:

A crash reverberated in an apartment as its single occupant staggered this

way and that with no coordination.  Whatever semblance of order the rooms
had was no longer there as their owner rampaged through her belongings like
a desperate thief, but without the intent of stealing.

Her breathing was erratic and unstable as she jumped up from her shelves

and walked backwards into the wall.  Collapsing onto the floor, she rolled
forward with no destination in mind.  Yet, the

I'd drop 'Yet' and just start with 'The'

rolling eventually stopped as she came to a pile of clothing that was so

rec: drop 'so'

It all seemed so distorted and foggy to the young woman as she tried to

stand, but felt her legs lose their strength momentarily, keeping her on the
ground.  As her head wavered from one direction to another, her eyes slowly
came upon something that seemed would help.

Imitating an insect, she crawled over to the disconnected phone, but her

connections to reality had left her to the point where memory would not help
her.

ending to the paragraph's seems repetitive. Might want to reword it.

The busy signal on the receiver continued to beep as Belldandy waited in

vain for the other end to pick up the phone.  One unanswered call by itself
would not have bothered her, but several others made the previous week did.

Yep.

All she wanted to do was speak with Megumi.

Why not go through the mirror? She's done it before in public (though
luckily for her no one was watching) ^_^

 Belldandy wanted to reveal the fact that she was a goddess to the younger

Morisato.

Mirror teleportation is usually a good start.

 From the time she had initially met Keiichi's sibling, she felt that

Megumi would be worthy to know the truth, as did her brother.

That parses off. It's the way you mention Keii knowing it. Would recommend
rewording it somehow, though I'm not sure hoe.

All of a sudden, her left ear started to burn.  In addition, the powers

she commanded also sensed a stirring of energies that gave her pause.  She
winced and held her hand to the ear, hoping the pain would cease.  The pain
was not so great that she had to yelp,

I'd use a different word than 'yelp'

Some would say that the burning was more like a premonition in the present

that she could still intervene in.  It would not have been the first time.

That feels like a POV shift there. I'd ditch it or rephrase it.

She turned walked

think you need an 'and' in there

 into the living room where Skuld was looking over a schematic and Urd was
watching a television show.  Oblivious to the situation at hand, she moved
quickly to the entryway, announcing to the others, "I am going out for a
while.  I believe there's still some leftovers in the fridge if I'm not back
before nightfall."

Looking up from her plans, she

identify which girl that is since there are two in the room besides Bell

Blinking, Skuld was ready to join her sister, but a hand from Belldandy

stopped her in her tracks.  "No, I can handle this myself.  What you and Urd
need to do is not let Keiichi know for the time being.  Just tell him that I
went out for a while and not to worry.  I'll tell him everything when I
return."

Hmm. Surprised Bell would use some duplicity.

Though it was not a direct lie, she had simply withheld information

concerning Megumi that Keiichi would have worried needlessly over.
Regardless, it was a lie of omission.

same thing.

Temptation.

At first didn't realize this was a flashback. Might want to make it clearer,
or refer to it as a past event rather than flashback.

She dashed through the apartment to the kitchen to see Megumi lying in a

pool of her own blood.  Her legs and arms were bleeding from multiple gashes
made by a sharp kitchen knife that had fallen from Megumi's hand.

Oops.

The mortal girl's eyes opened more and her head slowly turned to her

guest, "Belldandy... are you a doctor?"

Belldandy shook her head and stood up, keeping herself well in the younger

Morisato's sight.  "Megumi, there has been something I have been hiding from
you since we first met."

Now might not be the time. :P

Though externally,

think you can drop that comma

It could not be possible... could it?

And the other question that should be occurring to her is if she can take
advantage of it.

The laughter died down a bit as the thought of Belldandy's and Keiichi's

enviable relationship. "Do you suppose, there's someone out there for me?"

Belldandy: No. Oops! Wasn't supposed to tell you that. Pay no attention to
what I said. Just forget about it.

Nodding, Megumi replied, "Thanks, though I'm wondering if I'll be able to

make amends to the people around me.  I hoping the softball team'll still
have me after acting so withdrawn for the past week."

"Your friends on the team will understand, I believe."

Belldandy: Just tell them you were experimenting with drugs.

The memory, now fresh in the darker half's expression, gave her a retort.

'If you've forgotten, my better half, the denizens were far too deep in
their iniquity to stop.  They, even while knowing better, blasphemed against
the gods and, as you yourself said, 'faced the consequences of their
choices'.'

Heh. So she's the Sword as well. :)

The goddess sighed and knew that her darker half was telling the truth,

yet the screams of the people in that city continued to haunt her dreams
from time to time.

'If it means anything, I was not at all elated to carry out the

assignment.'

With a look of sadness, Belldandy turned to her darker half. "I want to

believe you, Verthandi.  I really do, yet, you are the only thing that I
ever will reserve doubt for."

'There maybe

may be

DB Sommer: for surviving the first draft and yet still giving an approving

critique.

And here's the second bit.

Gary Kleppe: for helping with more of the grammatical aspect and giving

pointers for the story.

Nidoking: For helping me get that piece of humble pie down my throat.
Adrian Thymes: for the flashback scene where Belldandy is tempted.
Chan Lei Wik: For also tackling the awful first draft.

Whoever said that 2/3s of your first draft often ends up getting changed

up or cut spoke true.  I can hardly recognize that first draft that I
made... whoa.

Bah. I hardly ever touch mine. Only made major revision once, and changed
something from its original concept when i realized that part i was working
on was the only one i needed.

OVerall, nice work.


DB Sommer



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