I couldn't see any of the quotes (they were curly quotes with Windows
encoding), so I fixed them up. See afterward for my comments.
On Tuesday, September 16, 2003, at 08:51 PM, Aishuu Shadowweaver wrote:
Aishuu Offers:
See With Different Eyes
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: Hotta and Obata.
~*~*~*~*~
Prologue: If I Could
~*~*~*~*~
Shindou Hikaru stood surrounded by rack upon rack of old kifu, the dust
and scent of aged documents permeating the air, but the grieving
teenager didn't notice them at all. Down his cheeks tears slipped, and
he stared at the documents, finally realizing how exceptional Sai had
been.
Why hadn't he appreciated him before?
/Why?/
Rising to his feet, he tilted his head back to scream. It came from his
very soul, a wish that filled every fiber of his being. "God, please!
Return things to the beginning! Return time to when I first met him!"
He waited in the stillness of the room, but nothing happened. There was
only silence, and in the distance he could here the sound of someone
sweeping.
"I guess things can never be reversed..." he whispered, leaning forward
even as the tears fell more freely. One, then two fell onto Honinbou
Shuusaku's - Sai's - precious kifu, and he raised a hand to wipe it
away. "No..." he whispered. "I didn't mean to..."
"Didn't mean to what?" someone asked.
He turned his head, and found himself staring at Akari. A younger Akari,
whose eyes were quizzical and scared. "Hikaru, let's go. I don't like
like it here... it's weird."
Turning his head, he stared around at the boxes and chests around him.
In front of him was a familiar goban, one that had become as familiar to
him as the go pieces he held in his hands daily. Green eyes started to
fill with tears again as he recognized the blood and tear stains he had
thought gone forever....
"It's stained..." he said softly. A trembling hand reached out to touch
the spot reverently, hoping... praying...
"What stain? It's just a bit dusty..." Akari stated, leaning over and
peering at the goban more closely. To her, the dusty kaya surface needed
a good scrub, but all in all, it was in good condition.
Hikaru's head swum as three years of memories wrestled with the moment
he was in. He... he had just been in the room with the kifu,
screaming... and.... "The stain's there..." he said again. Akari looked
at him, trying to hide her fear. She didn't like thunder, and she liked
dark places even less. Hikaru's sudden shift from his usual cheerful
self made her even more scared, and there was only one way to salvage
her dignity. "I'm going home!" she announced huffily.
Hikaru ignored her as she headed for the stairs. Is this... is this...
he wondered, staring down in fear.
/Can you see it? Can you hear my voice?/
It was a voice he had thought he never would hear again. The tears
started to stream down his face in earnest, spilling over his round
cheeks. "Yes, I can," he said, unable to think of anything else to say.
/Sai.../ he thought. /What's happening?/ He wondered in confusion.
Sai apparently didn't hear his question. /All powerful God, I thank
you!/ Sai said, and the goban began to glow. Hikaru's eyes widened Sai
rose from its center, a beautiful figure of white and elegance, ghostly
and somehow the most wonderful thing Hikaru had ever seen. Hikaru's
tears were so thick they were blurring his vision as Sai moved around
him. /I will now return... return to the living world!/ he pronounced.
Hikaru felt that sensation, a sensation of power and joining. Something
inside of his heart which had been empty since Sai had gone missing
filled with the ghost's presence even as Hikaru's twelve year old body
collapsed from the stress. "Sai..." he whispered, a smile forming on his
lips as he fell into the realm of unconsciousness.
The ghost jerked up, staring down at the youngster whom he had just
joined with. "How did you know my name?" he asked, opening his fan in
front of his mouth to hide his expression.
END PROLOGUE
Author's Note:
This is slated behind Brightly Burning on my priorities, but I wanted to
get it out as my yearly Sept. 16 piece because I like it. A challenge
from Ookla- what if Hikaru got his wish in ep. 63? Some dialogue is
taken from Toriyama's scripts - you'll see changes in chapter 1. I
humbly acknowledge the Ranma authors who have set the standard for the
"do over" fic genre, and hope this will suit.
=====
Down, down, down, would the fall never come to an end?
Wonder how many miles I've fallen?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mailing List: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Quicksilver/
Fanfiction: http://www.midnightrevolution.org/quicksilver/
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--------
Ookla's comments:
Great! Does the public posting of this mean you've already got part of
the first chapter done? ^_^
Unlike a lot of the "turn-back-time" stories out there, this one is
actually requested by the original work. I really wonder why I haven't
seen it tackled before. There's so many different ways things could go
from this point. I'm really looking forward to seeing what happens!
This prologue sets the stage well. I think you did a good job capturing
Hikaru's emotional state.
Some specific comments below, starting from the beginning:
filled every fiber of his being
Consider avoiding this too common figure of speech.
There was only silence, and in the distance he could here the sound of
someone sweeping.
here -> hear
even as the tears fell more freely. One, then two fell onto Honinbou
Shuusaku's - Sai's - precious kifu, and he raised a hand to wipe it
away.
Problem with the word "it" toward the end there. It should be either
"them" or "the tears" or the like.
In front of him was a familiar goban, one that had become as familiar
to him as
Two "familiar"s in this sentence are a bit redundant. You might
consider rephrasing the first part.
To her, the dusty kaya surface needed a good scrub, but all in all, it
was in good condition.
This is a point of view problem. So far the story has been from
Hikaru's point of view, but this sentence is from Akari's point of
view. But also, Akari wouldn't know the wood was kaya, though the older
Hikaru does. You could maybe rephrase this part to be something Akari
says instead.
Hikaru's head swum
swam?
She didn't like thunder, and she liked dark places even less.
Not quite sure what thunder has to do with it. This particular
paragraph is also from a different point of view as the rest. Using a
3rd-person omniscient narrator is difficult to do well; limiting to one
character per scene is easier on the reader.
Hikaru ignored her as she headed for the stairs. Is this... is this...
he wondered, staring down in fear.
Did you mean the "Is this... is this..." part to be /inside slashes/?
Or are the slashes only for directed Sai-Hikaru-Sai communication,
rather than just normal thoughts?
Hikaru's eyes widened Sai rose from its center, a beautiful figure of
white and elegance,
I think you're missing a period or something after "widened."
even as Hikaru's twelve year old body collapsed
twelve-year-old
The final paragraph, being after Hikaru loses consciousness, also is
from a different point of view. Oh well. I suppose this style of point
of view is very common in fanfiction. Consider whether you want to do
anything about it.
All in all, good job. Hoping for more of this and Brightly Burning soon.
Peter
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