Kareshi Kanojo No Jijou - But I Stood In The Background

A KareKano Fanfiction

By Cheshire Grin - wheresmyspoons@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: [ If I happened to be lucky enough to actually own KKNJ,
which I don't, then there would be a lot more of Maho and Asaba in it.
More of Tsubasa too. She's soo cute!]

Chapter 3 - That volatile sickness

I looked in my mirror for the fourth time that morning, liking what I
saw. I looked tough and confident with just the right amount of
intimidation, beauty and intelligence.

It always takes me a few minutes each morning to mentally prepare
myself. It's a morning ritual that's just as important to me as putting
on clothes. It's kind of like dressing my mind, remembering who I am
supposed to be, slipping on the customary detachment and cool attitude
that I always cover myself with when I'm at school. When I forget to do
it I start reverting to the shy introvert I used to be. The last time
that happened I got some pretty strange stares from my friends.

I tried my favorite smirk and it fit perfectly. "Check!" I muttered, not
really noticing that I had spoken out loud. My layers of armor fell into
place with a chink that I could almost hear. The cold demeanor I had
spent years crafting crept gradually though me as if the smirk itself
had produced it.

All systems go. Izawa Maho was ready for another day. With a quick
glance back at the mirror to double-check, I walked out my bedroom door.

* * *

My friends joined me on the way to school. Somewhere deep within it
still amazed me that I had friends now. I began mentally cataloging the
changes that had occurred within me during the past year but quickly and
angrily forced myself to stop. There were too many and it did me no good
to start thinking of how I used to be. That was the past. It didn't
matter. I had recently resolved to put it all behind me, to forget all
the trash that once cluttered my life. I was stronger now, better, more
in control of my life. I didn't need to be a child anymore and if the
memories of that time gave me problems... well, I didn't need them
either.

Reiko walked beside me, absently chatting about clothes and fashions. I
tuned myself out, nodding occasionally to keep up the appearance of
interest. Akemi and Mutsumi trailed behind us, giggling and whispering
about some guy that Akemi thought was gorgeous. None of it made much
sense so I ignored them as well.

I found myself thinking of how easy it had been to walk into this circle
and make it mine. How quickly they had all changed from the daring girls
I had so admired so many months ago to friends who followed me with the
respect usually reserved for older sisters! I was amazed at how rapidly
I had changed too, finding a dominating streak inside that I had not
even been aware existed. It pushed me to challenge them, to be stronger
than them, to prove to both my friends and myself that I deserved their
respect and attention.

They responded to it all with enthusiasm. After all, I was the smart
one, had always been. I could achieve exceptional grades without even
trying, knew more than they did about almost everything they might care
to mention. In most of the ways that mattered I was like an older
sister.

But more importantly, they thought I was tougher than they were. I had
kicked a boy from our class between the legs when he had unthinkingly
pushed me over. I didn't take any crap from anyone. Or so they thought.

How wrong they had been at first, thinking that. But not anymore. Over
the last few weeks I had risen to the demands of their impressions, made
myself over into the way they saw me.

The sudden sense of support I had felt with these friends had given me
the courage I had always lacked. I had donned a newer, more powerful set
of armor, discarding the old forever. Now that I had the chance, I
molded a new me with the strengths I had discovered, a person who could
not be pushed back into the background. One who would stand out and take
charge.

"Maho-chan!!!", Reiko whined from beside me. "Are you even listening to
me?"

"Sorry about that Reiko-chan." I murmured. "I just remembered
something."

"Ohh... What?" She asked as we walked through the school gates.

"Nevermind. What were you saying?"

"Oh yeah! Well you know those shoes that I was going to buy last week?
I've thought about it and..."

Her voice faded into hundreds of others as we started another day of
seeming endless classes.

* * *

School life had continued with the dreary eternity it seems to possess.
I found I had gained a bit of a reputation as a punk among the other
students. It flattered me in a strange way and seemed to make most of my
classmates think twice about bothering me. I gradually began to feel I
had mastered myself and managed to keep myself out of any other troubles
for a while.

By this time the class had settled into the groups of friends and such
that would stay together through the rest of high school. I stuck with
the group of girls I had settled with. We weren't exactly friends in the
conventional sense. I still kept too much of myself closed away for it
to get that far. They seemed to need a leader, it was what they saw me
as. They supported me, pushed me too excel and constantly reminded me of
my worth. So while they may have needed me, I needed them even more.

Besides, they gave me someone to talk to. When you're a teenager that's
important.

Nothing major had happened over the last couple of years. I became lost
in my own little world, my only real concern being keeping myself on
top. I started thinking of myself more and more as an adult. My position
among the class seemed to suggest that. They looked up to me; were maybe
even a little frightened of me and this time I was the one who didn't
need them. I was the tough one, the punk. I grew to like it. I had my
little group of 'friends' and my reputation. I found that I didn't
really need all that much more. Well... not much.

I was asked out by a handful of boys throughout school but I refused
each time and kept to myself. I didn't want a relationship with a boy,
especially with any of the ones in my class. They were usually either
nerds or animals and almost all of them were immature and lacked style.

* * *

I sat in math class, bored out of my brain. The class was revising stuff
that we'd all covered weeks ago. It was just in the wake of a horrible
exam that seemingly no-one had passed except for me and a few others. I
wasn't surprised. The Student-Sensei wasn't much of educator. In fact,
he was a total scumbag. All of the girls in the class visibly cringed
when he approached. He had a nasty habit of looming over us when he
handed back assignments, obviously trying to snatch a quick glimpse down
our shirts.

He was currently engaged in 'helping' a not-so-bright girl with her
studies. I suspected the reason for his extra attention might have been
the fact that her chest was a size or two bigger than the rest of the
class. He broke off his ogling long enough to explain an answer to the
unfortunate student. His presence wasn't helping her concentration any.

"See me after class, Chisa." He ordered and moved on.

"Yes Sensei." She murmured with a frightened rabbit look and lowered her
head.

He walked over to my desk and stopped.

"You did very well, Maho-chan" he leered, resting his hand on my desk.
It was uncomfortably close to my shirt.

"Perhaps I should ask you to help out poor Chisa-chan. Otherwise she
might never graduate from my class."

Across the room Chisa blushed with shame. I might have felt flattered if
this guy wasn't such a pervert, but all I could think about was the hand
on my desk. I was mentally picturing him as a bug about to be stepped
on. Unfortunately the idea of a drooling, perverted bug struck me as
rather funny and to my chagrin, a grin appeared on my face. He grinned
back at me and walked off to his desk.

"That guy is sooo disgusting!" Reiko next to me noticed my smirk.

 "What's so funny, Maho-chan?" She whispered to me.

"Not much. I was just imagining what kind of insect he was in his past
lives." I replied, nodding my head toward Uchigawa-Sensei.

"What did you decide?"

"The drooling kind."

* * *

 "Did you see that guy ogling Maho?"

"Yeah... and Chisa too. What a perv!"

"I know, it's so disgusting!"

"The boys don't have a problem, he doesn't ogle them."

"He probably does you know!"

They all giggled. I listened to them absently. It was lunchtime and we
had gathered in the shade of one of the buildings surrounding the
courtyard, close to the drinking taps.

I had found myself in a reflective mood today. I just couldn't seem to
stop thinking about the changes of the past year. It wasn't like me.
Reiko seemed to have noticed and was giving me the occasional odd
glance. That girl was far too perceptive for her own good. Mutsumi was
paying me slightly more attention than usual as well. Akemi of course,
was her effervescent, oblivious self. That was entirely unsurprising.
She couldn't keep a thought in her head for more than about three
seconds if her grades depended on it, which they all too frequently did.

Finally Reiko spoke.

"Whats up with you today Maho? You're so quiet. You don't seem yourself.
Did you fight with your parents again? Or is it... You know...that
time?" She made a gesture that could have meant about anything.

I shrugged and glanced around. Mutsumi and Akemi had stopped chatting,
Mutsumi watching me quietly and Akemi simply looking confused.

Reiko however was not about to be put off.

"Well...?" She questioned.

I glared at her.

"It's nothing. That teacher just grossed me out a bit. I was trying to
think of something nasty to put in his bento." I lied.

Mutsumi giggled. "I know what you mean."

She and Akemi started discussing the various merits of worms, slugs,
spiders and other unpleasant things as vengeance material. Reiko didn't
look entirely satisfied with my answer but before she could question me
anew, we were interrupted by the appearance of yet another unwanted and
eminently unsuitable suitor.

Over the last few months as I grew up and... well... out, I started
getting more popular with the male elements of the world. It started out
mildly enough and I'm sure it was happening for a long time before I
became aware of it and even longer before I realized what it meant.
Small things, incongruous things. Shy second glances and the occasional
slight blush from the younger boys when I spoke to them. More appraising
glances from the older boys. Almost paternal smiles from the men but
with something unexplainable and somehow equalizing hidden behind them.
Something that was not quite adult-to-child, desire maybe but firmly
repressed and held in place.

It was exciting, liberating, annoying and confusing all at once. On one
hand it was intensely embarrassing having males look at me, judging me,
appraising me. Sometimes I felt like screaming at them, demanding them
as to what gave them the right to stare at me as if I was a new display
in a shop window.

But on the other hand...

It was exciting... I can't deny it. It made me feel like an adult, gave
me a kind of worth that was difficult to describe. It was similar in a
way to being smart but different as well. Another form of power, one
that led to different places. A power that I wasn't quite ready for but
could not help but covet and encourage anyway.

Looking back on it now, I think it may have been the uncertainty of it
all that made me toy with the guys who asked me for dates. Perhaps it
was my lack of knowledge at the time about these kind of things that
prompted me to amuse myself with these boys. I regarded the whole matter
like a challenge, teasing and scorning, pushing away their attraction
because although I found it intoxicating, I didn't know what to do with
it.

Kei was no different. Approaching like the rest and leaving the same
way, despite the fact that it was his third attempt.

I don't think I'll ever understand the leaning thing that guys have.
They all do it, placing their elbow against a wall or pole or even
another person's shoulder and leaning sideways into it, the other hand
alternately brushing their hair back or resting in a pocket. It
irritates me.

As if to do just that, Kei approached us and assumed The Guy Lean(tm).

"Afternoon girls!" He was doing his best to appear nonchalant.

"Hi." We all deadpanned, waiting for it.

He seemed momentarily nonplussed but continued on. "Say Maho-san, umm...
ever heard of 'YinYang'?"

Tactic 1: Introduce topic of conversation and covertly, an opportunity
for a date.

"Well yeah... There's a big one on my favorite shirt." I tried not to
laugh. He seemed to have run out of good pick-up lines.

"No, no... The band. They're a local rock group. They're really cool!"

Tactic 2: Consolidate topic and attempt to raise interest.

 "Yawn... Can't say I've heard of them, Kei." I lied. They weren't all
that bad actually.

"I think you'd like their music. My friend's older brother plays drums
for the band."

Tactic 3: Another attempt at raising interest.

"......" I refused to be drawn.

"Well umm... you see... my friend got me some... ahh... tickets for
their next gig. They're playing at the...uhh... Moonlight Club on the
weekend."

Tactic 4: Forge ahead blindly. Deploy bait.

"......" He's getting desperate now.

"Iwaswonderingifyouwannacomewithmeonfridaynight!" He blurted in a rush.

Tactic 5: Drop all pretexts and ask before courage disappears.

Sigh. So predictable.

"Well, Kei, I'm not sure. Why should I want to go to a club full of
loud, sweaty rock maniacs with you, hmmm?" I challenged.

"Aww. Come on Maho-san! I'm not that bad. I'm fun to hang out with.
It'll be great."

He sounded suspiciously like he was whining. We all laughed.

"Keep up the advertising, Kei-chan. You might make a sale one day." I
laughed, patting him on the shoulder and making him stumble.

Hmmpf! The Guy Lean(tm). Weak...... Like the guys themselves.

We walked off to finish our lunch elsewhere, leaving him to pick up
himself and his dignity.

* * *

The next day Uchigawa-Sensei made good on his threat. He called Chisa
and I aside after class to ask me if I could tutor her a bit until exams
started.

"Yeah, sure." I replied, not particularly liking the idea. I wasn't
about to refuse it though. He asked me because I was the best and I
wasn't going to let him start thinking otherwise.

I looked around at the girl. She looked nervous and hopeful. She was
obviously an airhead.

 "Come on then." I sighed, leading her out of the classroom.

We came to a halt in the hallway.

"Your name's Chisa, right?"

"Y-yes." She stammered. "I...... I'm sorry to......"

"Very well then Chisa," I cut her off. "Meet me in the library after
school tomorrow."

"But that's when I......"

"Is there a problem?" I glared at her. She lowered her head.

"No, Sempai."

"I'm not your Sempai. We're the same age. My name is Maho. Ma-ho, got
it?" I said, spelling it out for her.

"Y-yes M-maho-san." She said dutifully.

"Good. Now hurry up or we'll be late for our next class."

"I.. I.. um.. Thank you... Maho-s......san, I...... uh..." She
stammered.

Then she turned and bolted down the corridor.

* * *

Great, just great, I thought as I walked toward the courtyard to eat my
lunch. What the hell do I know about tutoring someone? Especially a
chest-for-brains airhead like Chisa.

Still, she seemed nice enough, if a little shy. Well, maybe more than a
little. The girl looked as if she was afraid of everything. Including
me. That was good, I decided. It meant she would do what I told her. I
wasn't exactly sure if I could help her much. In my experience it's
always been practically impossible to help stupid people. The best you
can usually do is to ignore them and hope they go away.

I noticed Kei talking to a girl near the outside door. She was cute in a
freckly, pigtailed kind of way and was looking at him in the
disgustingly wide-eyed, adoring way those kind of girls always seem to
have. I began to hope that this girl might give him a reason to stop
bugging me. I observed that Kei looked distinctly uncomfortable. Sigh.
It was probably too much to hope for anyway.

He turned around and gave me an enthusiastic greeting when he noticed
me. I muttered a reply as I walked past him. The pigtailed girl glared
daggers at me, before turning her blinding smile back on Kei.

Another potential enemy. Just wonderful.

Yep. Stupid people. The best you can usually do is ignore them and hope
they go away. Unfortunately it doesn't always work that like that.

* * *

After school, Reiko, Akemi and I stopped in at the arcade. Mutsumi had
left us at the school gate, citing netball practice. To my annoyance the
other two had spent the entire time it had taken to walk to the arcade
trying to persuade me to get a boyfriend.

"Come on Maho! You don't want everyone in the class to think you're a
loner."

"Yeah, besides most of the boys would just die to go out with you"

"Oh shut up you guys" I growled.

"Ohh stop being so grouchy Maho!" Akemi continued unfazed.

"How about Kei? He seems to like you." Said Reiko.

"Are you crazy?!!" I snapped, outraged before I realized she was just
teasing.

"I know, I know." She sniffed. "That guy is such a loser. Besides, you
could way better than him."

"Why bother?" I grumbled. "They're all so pathetic." This wasn't going
in a direction I liked.

Reiko and Akemi however seemed to take that as an excuse to start
suggesting a list of possibilities that must have encompassed just about
every boy in the school. They finally settled on Arima Soichirou.

"He is so perfect for you, Maho-san." Reiko embellished. "Smart,
handsome and really, really cool! He plays Kendo for the school..."

" And he's really good at it." Akemi chimed in as we entered the arcade.

"Weren't you just telling me how he's rejected every girl who's ever
asked him out, including you, Akemi?" I questioned wryly, slipping a
coin into one of the machines.

"Um... well......" She went red.

"Sounds just like someone we know, right?" cracked Reiko. I shot her my
Look of Doom.

"Arima is about the biggest wet-end I know." I snapped. I was getting
pretty irritated and they were interrupting the Sailor V game I was
trying to play. "Besides, I can just imagine his idea of a date. A nice,
romantic study group and mock-exam. No thanks."

I was being a little unfair I guess but if I encouraged them at all...
they would probably try set something up and that was something I
definitely did not need. Akemi practically had matchmaker stamped on her
forehead.

"Okay, Okay, so not Arima then. Who else then?"

Great. They weren't going to quit. I resigned myself to a long and
painful afternoon.

"What about that new guy, Asaba? He's soooo dreamy!"

I choked and on the screen Sailor V was eaten by some kind of demonic
worm. Sigh. Only the third level again. I was never going to finish this
game. I gave up on Sailor V and turned to face them.

"Don't even go there!" I said in my 'I will crush you' voice.  "That guy
is the biggest pervert in the entire school, and no doubt the biggest
moron too."

"And he's so gorgeous!" said Akemi, ignoring me.

"Shut up, Akemi"

 "That long hair of his looks great."

"Will you just..."

"And his eyes are just..."

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

As I walked home from the arcade I found myself thinking about what
Akemi and Reiko had spent almost the entire afternoon trying to convince
me of.

Maybe I did need a boyfriend.

I had been getting rather lonely lately and some part of me was doing
that endlessly yearning thing for something along those lines. You
know... That thing that makes you sigh after watching a tacky romance
movie. The 'I wish I had' thing.

 I wanted affection, I discovered. A different kind from the affection I
got from my friends. I wanted to love and be loved. I wanted...

A boyfriend?

Hmm. Maybe they were right?

There was Arima of course, who was perfection itself; but he never asked
me and I didn't really fancy the idea of a relationship with him anyway.
In a way I can't explain, he was too perfect. He seemed much too full of
good feelings and moral conscience and it irritated me in some manner.
He was the kind of guy who would be shocked to find you drinking at a
party or watching a movie with a few questionable scenes.

I guess I wanted someone I could relax with, not someone I had to behave
for.

There was also Asaba Hideaki but he was no good either. He seemed to
collect girls like stamps. Sure he was achingly beautiful but with a
sense of complete materialism. He was always surrounded by a flock of
adoring girls, which he treated as if they were his pet puppies, yet
none of them seemed to mind. Like hell was I going to play stupid puppy
like that for any guy.

Besides, Asaba didn't seem to have a whit of sense or even a fully
formed thought in his head. I didn't want a moron, not even a handsome
one.

* * *

A long while later I would come to regret my initial impressions of both
Arima Souichrou and Asaba Hideaki. It never occurred to me at that time
that other people might also be living behind a persona... and because
it didn't, Sometime toward the end of the year I accepted an offer from
a 25-year-old dentist who sometimes shopped at the store I worked at.

I wanted a mature guy, someone who had something about stability in him.
Someone who was understanding and maybe a little sophisticated. However,
mostly what I wanted was someone I didn't have to feel superior too.
Someone I could look up to. Maybe even respect.

I found what I had wanted in Takashi, and since I already thought of
myself as an adult, the age difference didn't really bother me. That he
was willing and he cared about me, it was enough. For a while I could
even convince myself I was happy.

I should have expected it. I should have known.

But I didn't.

As it so often seems to do as soon as you start to get a bit
comfortable, fate dictated that a new, opposing element be thrown into
the mix.

My new relationship coincided with another major event in my life.

That event was the arrival of Miyazawa Yukino.

Humanity thrives on competition, or so my politics teacher once said.
Maybe she's even correct.

Lots of stupid and unpleasant things are unfortunately true.

For example:

There's no such thing as gravity. The earth just sucks.

End Chapter Three

Authors Note:

If anyone actually read this, I'd really apreciate any comments,
feedback,
c&c etc.

Stay tuned next time for Chapter 4: 'At the calm of it all / Their
shepherd never found' which will go back to Asaba's POV and include his
thoughts about Arima and also the foundations of the "Merryland" ideal.

Later.

Cheshire Grin
wheresmyspoons@yahoo.com
cheshiregrin@iprimus.com.au




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