Kareshi Kanojo No Jijou - But I Stood In The Background

A KareKano Fanfiction By Cheshire Grin

Disclaimer: [ insert appropriate "I don't own Kare Kano" comment here]

Note: Here the story starts on a new track and we won't see Maho in this
chapter. This is where the other character I had been planning to
introduce comes in, Asaba Hideaki.

* * *

Chapter 2 - Weakness makes you whole

Well, boys and girls, especially girls, welcome to another day in the
life of the one and only Asaba Hideaki.

Sigh.... Why do I always start things like that. That's just me I guess.
Or so I'd like to think. The fact is I just have no idea how to start a
diary. It's been such a long time since I've kept one. I'm not sure why
I've started again after all these years, not sure why I feel the need
to write these things down but it's there nonetheless.

It's a pity that I've never been very good at writing. That's Arima's
department, he's always been much better at this sort of thing. Still, I
guess it doesn't matter very much. Its not like anyone else is gonna
read this, and I couldn't ask Arima to write this for me. He's already
got enough problems of his own.

Well, there I go, rambling on about Arima when I had intended to talk
about myself. I've never been able to concentrate on one thing for very
long. I suppose that's why I've never been any good at school. Something
always ends up distracting me. Usually something with long hair and a
skirt.

There's so much that I want to write down here, things are crowding
around in my head, events, memories, needs, desires......

I guess I'll start at the beginning. That's probably a good place to
start, or so my mother always tells me. So lets start again shall we.

* * *

Ever since I can remember I've always fought with my father. Throughout
my entire life he's been there, in the background, constantly. Always
seeming to be better than me, smarter, stronger, angrier. There's
something about him that just makes me angry. It's not something I can
describe; a facet of his personality perhaps that just seems like the
antithesis of my own. I'm fairly certain that he sees the same thing in
me.

Don't get me wrong, he's not evil and he hasn't ever beaten me or
anything like that. In fact... he's really a nice enough guy in his own
way, not that I would ever tell him this mind you, but he's too much of
a different person.

That's not really surprising I guess, we're all vastly different,
everybody is. If it wasn't like that everything would be pretty boring.
We wouldn't have much fun would we. Imagine a world full of millions of
Asaba's. Or even worse, a world full of millions of Miyazawa's, all the
same. The thought makes me shudder.

If Miyazawa ever reads this....

I really need to stop getting sidetracked. I also need to stop writing
in pen!

The fact that I was trying to get across is that my father and I are
totally different people. Not just a little or even a lot. Totally.
Everything we do seems stupid and unnecessary to the other. I don't
really hate him, I just can't stand him. I think he feels the same about
me. At least I hope so...

I'm not sure what started it all, I'm not even sure if anything did.
Maybe it was always there.

My father is a hardworking guy. He's really clever in the accounting
type way, good with numbers and figures and especially money. He's tall,
overly responsible and kind of introspective. He's a lot like Arima
actually... But nothing like me.

I've never been the responsible type. I don't think I've ever even
considered planning anything for the future. It just doesn't seem to
matter. I've always believed that what will happen will happen,
regardless of what I think about it. I just try to live in the moment
and enjoy it while I can. True... It doesn't always work out to be that
enjoyable but.... I just wouldn't feel comfortable any other way.

So I guess you can see how my father and I were pretty much destined to
disagree. Nothing we ever did was enough to satisfy the other. Pretty
soon we stopped trying altogether. We ended up prowling around each
other like two tomcats around a dead fish, keeping our distance,
silently watching and disapproving, waiting for the other to make a
move.

That's why I left.

I guess I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't continue to stand up to
him. I didn't want to. I was not really strong enough to force the issue
or to keep myself on a level he couldn't reach me. I didn't want to be
like him, didn't want to be him and I sure as hell was not going to let
him make me that way.

So I started looking for a way out. I probably wasn't even aware I was
doing just that when I started. I started glancing at apartments in
real-estate shop windows as I walked home from school. Soon those
glances became more and more interested. My mind just started to
absently consider it. Could I afford it? Could I manage? What would it
be like to live by myself?

The ideas were attractive. I've always thought of myself in a mixed
fashion. In many ways I'm a child, full of energy and interest,
distracted by everything... wanting to be a part of everything. In other
ways I'm grown up and mature. The way I look at people tells me that.
The way they make me feel. Girls in particular. The desires hidden just
behind the mind's eye. The things I want.

I've always wanted everyone to love me. I was gifted with good looks
from early on and at sometime during adolescence the girls I knew became
very interested in me. I attracted a kind of following. At that time I
didn't really want a relationship. I wasn't ready for one. I was
miserable and lonely and I felt unloved. The fan clubs that grew seemed
to fill the gap. I had all these pretty girls around me all the time,
vying for my affections, loving me.

I felt like I could say to my father, "Hey! Look at me, I know you don't
love me but they do. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't need you to love
me because other people do now."

I liked feeling like that. It gave me strength when nothing else could.
It was a strength I desperately needed.

My body, my father, my personality. They've never made me feel strong.
Never. Because I'm not strong. I'm beautiful but I could never fight for
someone. I can try and ignore my father but I can't deal with him. I'm
friendly but that's because I could not push anybody away.

 The adoration gave me strength. It gave me something that I could say
was mine. It gave me something that I could be, a niche that I could
escape into and a blanket I could pull over myself and hide under.

It was a safety that just wasn't there at home. Home felt like a
battlefield. I felt like I was fighting my father to try and make him
love me. Fighting myself so he would love me. I didn't want to be a
soldier. I've never wanted to fight anybody.

So when I looked at the apartments in the shop window I found the last
door to my own life. I could distance myself from my father; take away
the need to fight him.

The last step needed to escape. It scared the crap out of me. But I
wanted to take it. I already knew I was going to try. I just needed a
way.

For a few weeks I did nothing. I just considered it, rolling the thought
back and forth in my mind, wondering how to arrange it, whether I should
and whether I even could for that matter.

What would I say? How could I convince my parents to let me move out?
How could I afford it? I had no job. I was still a student. I had never
worried about money much before. My parents gave me a reasonable enough
allowance and I had never really needed any more than that.

Quitting school to look for work was unacceptable. My parents would
never let me and if I did it anyway I would never hear the end of it. I
would also lose the one thing that made me feel better about life, my
crowd of adoring schoolgirls. Besides, who would hire someone my age
full-time? So that wasn't an option, what was left?

Unfortunately I couldn't think of anything.

My chance came a week later when a rather unsavory rumor came out at
school. Apparently a teacher had gotten a little too involved with a
student and was not quite as cautious about it as he should have been.
There was a huge fuss over the matter that ended with the teacher being
sacked and the student expelled.

Now, I couldn't care less if a student and a teacher had a relationship.
I mean, as long as they're happy, right? It's not like the world is
gonna come to an end because of a little age difference, is it?

The school board seemed to think otherwise however and strangely enough,
so did my conservative parents. They started discussing sending me to
another school.

I didn't like the idea at first. All my beautiful flock of admirers,
what would happen to them? But I eventually realized that this could
work in my favor. If my new school was far enough away... I would have
the excuse I was looking for. Besides, I could get a new flock of
adoring girls at the new school. No problem.

So I started my campaign. I found a school a bit further outside the
city that had a good enough reputation to reassure the ol' parental
units but not so prestigious as to exclude my obvious lack of academic
talent. I subtly started mentioning little worries and concerns about
hectic inner city life to my parents. I told them that I was distracted,
that I couldn't concentrate, that it was too noisy.

"What a pity," I mentioned one night over dinner, "that we have to live
so close to dad's work. It would be much nicer if we could live out in
the suburbs where it's more calm. Even the schools are better out
there."

That was all that was needed. I had planted the idea and over the next
few days it cropped up more and more in my parents conversation. It
wasn't long before they broached their ideas with me.

"We're thinking about enrolling you in a school a bit further away." Mum
said one night. "I'm sure you must find it hard to study here with all
the noise and pollution. What do you think, honey?"

"That's a great idea!" I replied straight away and started telling them

all about the school I had heard about.

They were a little hesitant at first. I think what I was suggesting was
a little further away than they had planned. It would make commuting a
bit difficult, they said.

This was the big moment.

"What if I boarded somewhere closer?" I said.

"Well..." They looked at me silently.

"I've gotta learn sometime, right?" I went on. "For college.. I mean.
Why not start now and get in some practice?"

My mother was obviously chewing it and not liking it. My father looked
aloof and disapproving. They weren't going to let me. I just knew it.

"We'll think about it, ok dear?" Mum told me.

Great. Just great. That was parent language for "No, but we won't tell
you that. We'll just wait and hope you forget about it."

I had to do something. If I left it alone now then they would just put
me off again and again with similar sentiments. They would put it down
to a momentary childish whim. I had to keep going, keep pushing, keep
insisting.

'No!' said a little voice inside. 'I won't, I can't. He'll just wear me
down like he always does. He'll give me all the heartlessly logical
reasons why I shouldn't, the cold calculated list of problems and
dangers like he always does. I can't.'

I shoved it away quickly, refusing to be put off. I couldn't abandon
this last road. I had nowhere else run to.

"No" I said. "I'm going. I don't care what you say. I don't care what
you think. I want to go."

"Silence!" My father who hadn't said a word up till now started in on
me.

"Don't be stupid Hideaki. How can you live by yourself? You're much too
young. What makes you think you could do this by yourself? You know
nothing about living on your own."

"Why not! What's wrong with it?" I shouted back, suppressing the voice
inside me that was screaming at me to back down.

"Where should I start?" Father replied in his calm and maddening way.
"You don't have a job, you can't cook, you can't clean, you don't even
know how to wash your own clothes!"

"So... I'll learn!" I returned furiously.

Back and forth it went for hours, both of us shouting at each other,
refusing to back down. It seemed that all the anger that had accumulated
over the last few years came out now. The topic itself became almost
meaningless, anger providing enough reason on its own for the
antagonism.

I was determined to outlast him however. I had backed everything on
this. It was my one chance to be free and I couldn't, literally
couldn't, let it go.

Eventually he made the mistake I was hoping for.

"Fine!" My father shouted. "Go and do it then. Go and prove me wrong if
you are so clever!"

"But, dear.." Mum interrupted.

"No." said dad fiercely. "If he thinks he needs it so badly then let him
try. He'll understand soon enough."

He gave her a look that promptly shut her up. "Go do it then" He
repeated, glaring at me.

He was the ultimate father figure personified in that moment, silently
telling me how wrong I was and how right he was by this sudden
contemptuous dare. 'I KNOW you can't do it, you're just too stupid to
realize it, but you'll learn.' he seemed to say. 'I'm never wrong.
That's why I'm your father. You'll never be right.'

"I will." I stated quietly, trying desperately to put as much conviction
into my words as he had. "I will."

* * *

Fortunately they didn't abandon me completely. I had left myself far
more open than I should have in my anger. I had no money of my own. I
couldn't really afford to live by myself.

Dad gave me a strange sort of beneficial contempt. Within a couple days
he announced that he had gotten me an apartment close to the school and
I could leave whenever I wanted to. He could even call the movers over
on the weekend if I liked.

He was daring me again, provoking me. He seemed to smirk while arranging
all this, as if he knew I couldn't do any of this by myself, as if he
was giving me these handicaps because he pitied my stupidity.

"Sure, the weekend is fine" I said, not saying anymore than that because
I had a feeling that he might be right.

* * *

The weekend came faster than I was ready for but I somehow kept my
resolve.

My father withdrew me from one school and enrolled me in another, paid
for my apartment and called the movers to truck my stuff to my new home.
Everything was perfectly civil. We were trapped in this colossal dare
now, my father arranging and paying for it all, even giving me a larger
allowance, because he felt he had to keep up the perfect parental model
and also to seemingly give himself a bigger space to say 'I told you so!
Even with all the help I gave you, you still couldn't do it" when I
failed.

I kept myself sounding overly confident and cheerful, trying to say
'Well, I don't really need it but thanks for the help. I'll prove you
wrong, don't worry about that.'

I knew I was wrong about that, knew I was just as helpless at the moment
as he said I was, but I also knew I couldn't admit it to him. I had to
keep playing his game till the end. I found I was just as trapped in his
dare as he was.

But that didn't matter. It had all worked out the way I wanted it to. I
had moved home and school. I had taken the last step. I would be just as
popular at this new school. I could stop having to be strong when I
wasn't. I would gather a new flock of girls to hide under. I could be
weak again. I could be me.

Yeah... just another day in the life of the one and only Asaba Hideaki.
No problem.

End Chapter Two

Well folks, that seems to be the prologue part of the story out of the
way. The next chapter will go back to Maho and explore the events of her
life just before the beginning of the series.

If anyone actually read this, I'd really apreciate any comments,
feedback,
c&c etc.

Cheshire Grin
wheresmyspoons@yahoo.com
cheshiregrin@iprimus.com.au




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