--- $B:dK\$/$m$-(B <yukurakl1@yahoo.co.jp> wrote:

This reminds me of a Tenchi fanfic some guy wrote about a 
pedophile killing Sasami. Of course, that story was better 
written from a technical perspective, but it made similar 
basic conceptual errors. Basically, the guy had no clue about 
the characters he was writing about. In his case he ignored 
the fact that Sasami is also Tsunami. This story makes a 
similar mistake. 
  

      The Death of Inn Hinata
      

      The large cardboard box slowly yet steadily rolled
up the stairs that led to Inn Hinata, in grim defiance of
physics, yet its deceased occupant could hardly care less.
After falling under the effects of the other inanimate
object within the box, they were in no condition to prevent
the next phase of its self-appointed mission.

...

      Naru pushed the mysterious box into the foyer, no small
feat considering its weight, and flopped on top of it in
frustration as it was only halfway in. "Gah! I don't know what
this thing is, but it feels like it weighs a ton! Can you help
me get it in, Motoko?"
      Wringing out her clothes, the kendoka walked over and
helped her friend finish pushing the box into the middle of
the room. Tamago continued flying around the room, waiting for
the girls to open it.
      "That's odd, it doesn't have a return address," Motoko
noted, somewhat out of breath, "Shouldn't we wait for Keitarou
to get back so he can open it?"

And here, of course, is where this story completely falls apart. 
I was expecting the thing inside the box to be a bomb or robot 
of some kind that explodes and destroys the Hinata and everyone
inside. That would have been lame, but it would have at least 
made *sense*. This story is both lame *and* makes no sense.

      Onsen Tamago circled above the inn, away from the blast
of the grenades. The small fire caused by the explosion, with
the fuses out and nobody tending the house, would soon consume
the entire inn. Tamago, or rather the possessed shell that was
once Tamago, meowed in acknowledgment. With one final loop
around the doomed building, she flew away, small beady greenish
eyes reflecting the moonlight, and went in search of her next
mission.

So the perpetrator turns out to be an evil spirit or demon of 
some kind. The problem with this, of course, is that Motoko is 
Shinmei Ryu, and Shinmei Ryu eat evil spirits and demons for 
breakfast. It's their purpose to hunt and kill them, and they
are very good at it. Even a minimal amount of research into her 
character should give you this information. 

When doing a story that will anger fans of a series, it's very 
important not to ignore obvious abilities of the characters. 
You can get away with this in writing comedy or WAFF, because 
fans will probably cut you some slack. However, if you want 
to have Lois Lane kill off Superman you don't want her to pull 
out a gun and shoot him in the head with an ordinary bullet. 
That only makes you look stupid, and fans will be more than 
happy to point it out to you. 

Brian Welch

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