-----Original Message-----
From: ffml-bounce@anifics.com [mailto:ffml-bounce@anifics.com] On

Behalf

Of Josh Temple
Sent: Tuesday, September 09, 2003 7:26 AM
To: FFML
Subject: [FFML] [R.5][SM] The Return ch4


The Return
A Ranma Sailor Moon fic thingy.
By Josh Temple

Naturally, I own neither Sailor Moon nor Ranma. So here's the

disclaimer

Ranma 1/2 and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko Takahashi,
Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video. Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon belongs

to

Takeuchi Naoko, Koudansha, TV Asahi, and Toei Douga, and DIC.

Previous chapters and other works can be found at
http://rakhal.com/florestica/josh-temple/index.html



Chapter 4 Reactions and Results



The ranking youma looked at the monitors. He appeared to be an

average, if

rather tanned, twenty-something male human. Dressed in a plain beige
jumpsuit, he was sitting at the observation chair for Furinkan High
School's security system. Also in the basement room were several

similarly

dressed entities. All were carrying weapons of one sort or another.

The situation was bad. The authorities had been alerted and sealed off

the

building. This left them with only a couple dozen humans to work with.

It

was much less than the several hundred they were expecting. The number

was

considerably fewer people than youma. It was all that stupid teacher's
fault. Dave shook his head. Some of the blame could be placed on those

two

dead idiots who let their guard down.

Major point: The whole text looks very choppy because of the short
sentences you're using. Try stringing several statements into longer
sentences: 

The situation was bad: The authorities had been alerted and had sealed
off the building, which had left [the youma/him] with only a couple of
dozen humans to work with -- much less than the several hundred that had
been expected.


Also, you'll need to get your weapons info straight - US/NATO forces use
5.56 mm ammunition, not 5.25 mm. And the main problems with the OICW,
which are the short barrel and the excessive weight, would only get
worse by upping it to 7.62 mm. With only ten inches of barrel, chances
are that ordinary M855 (5.56 mm ball) ammunition would have better
penetration than the M993, due to the difference in muzzle velocity.

SP



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