Quoting Jon Rosebaugh <chibi@anifics.com>:

      Snow fell lazily out of the sky.  It had been falling every
day for roughly eight months now, in what people had come to call
the One Year Winter.  It was having devastating effects in the less

Always winter, and never Christmas!

Jam tomorrow, jam yesterday, but never ever jam today.
 

      It was his first day off from work since he started as a
omni-bike courier and he didn't want to waste it indoors like he
wasted his weekends.  He wanted to do something, but he really
had no idea what to do.  So he just trudged along, head down and
hands in his pockets, as he struggled to think of something.

You might want to re-arrange the last sentence, since
"Only to collide with a woman" links with "he just trudged along", not
"he struggled to think of something".

It's a mess of phrases in any case.  I'll try to make it less confusing.
 

      Only to collide with a woman, knocking her down into the
thin layer of snow that had accumulated on the sidewalk since the
last time it had been cleared away.  She stared back up at him
vacantly, the snow already beginning to blanket her maid uniform.
      "I'm sorry.  I didn't see you," Kyo said in embarrassment
while bowing deeply in apology.
      "You don't need to apologize to her," spoke a gruff male
voice nearby.  "She isn't even turned on."
      Kyo blinked to realize what he had thought to be a woman

"blinked to realize" doesn't sound quite right. perhaps you might try
"blinked as he realized", or some such

There is a literary convention for giving words different meanings
due to context like this, but for the life of me I can't think
of what it's called.  I'll consider changing it though.

was actually an android.  In the twilight of an overcast sky, it was a
bit hard to tell how pale her artificial skin was; white like snow.
      The first consumer models had started to emerge when Kyo

I had to read this two times to figure out what you meant... "the first
consumer model androids" might work better.

Are you expecting me to tell you every little thing? :p
Likely I always knew the word androids should be there so I
never realized I hadn't actually typed it.
 

      The warehouse was about half-filled with large wooden
crates and black steel drums, their labels smeared and badly
printed, making it hard for Kyo to make out from a distance.  As he
started to unload the androids onto the palette that Ryosei
indicated, he couldn't shake the feeling of eeriness to be the only
two people around in such a vast space, with the only sounds as the

He's not "the only two people", he's just one of them!

He was thinking in the royal we. :p
 

      Kyo idly wondered if an android was capable of being
bored.  There wasn't even enough to keep him occupied in his
banal life.  He already pitied his new possession.

How's he get it home? It can't be that small a box, or is the omni-bike
different enough from current bike-type vehicles that it's no problem?

Ryosei dropped him off right near his apartment.  He carried it in
his arms while the omni was strapped to his back backpack style.
 

      Suddenly, Reiko filled his vision and his heart.  The name
listed in the credits and the name her legions of fans knew her by
was 'Risa Akashimo', but to Kyo she would always be sweet,
gentle Reiko, who had lightened the otherwise unbearable hell that
had been his high school experience.  Then she was scouted by a
talent agency just before they were to take the entrance exams for
the college in their home town together and he hadn't seen her in
the flesh since.

A mi me gusta el telephono.

Yeah, they're good with spegetti sauce.
 

      Kyo turned slowly, his eyes widening in surprise to see a
strange humanoid woman standing before him.  She was vaguely
fox-like, with pointed ears and narrow, cat-like eyes.  Even her
hands and feet looked like a halfway point between paws and more
human hands, covered in soft fur that faded away half way up her
forearms.  She had longish purple hair tied off in what looked like
nine ponytails and was dressed in the tight fitting uniform of a jet
pilot from some nation with a fetish for pastels.

But France doesn't _have_ any jet pilots!

In the future they have a few.  You know, to deliver crousants and such.
 

      She was also short.  Kyo was only a little over average
height and she was at least a head shorter than him.  However, he
couldn't help noticing that she was more than fully mature in at
least one aspect, since her jumpsuit was loose everywhere except
her chest, which it strained to conceal.

Gotta love lonely hardware designers.

She's also software in just the right places.
 

      *You idiot, that's the android,* Kyo thought to himself with
some chagrin.  The old man had said it was probably some odd
design, but he hadn't really been expecting this.  Androids were
sometimes dressed up to look like animals, but no one had ever
built one to resemble an animal before.  There was some reason for
it, probably the work of animal rights' groups, but he couldn't

They don't object to people dressing up as anthropomorphic animals
as mascots for sports teams, do they?

They can't regulate human stupidity.  That would be impossible.
 

      Omni-bikes were portable scooters, specially designed to
be light weight and folded up into the size of a briefcase.  Their
ability to go anywhere and on just about any surface had made
them a common sight in snow-covered Tokyo.  Kyo's was a
custom model, more expensive than the off the shelf breeds, but
the improved traction, handling, and extra horsepower was worth
it, even if the added weight made it a little less portable.

This paragraph has some good info, but it has no relation to the
ones before or after it. It would work better in the flow of text as 
he's
maneuvering through traffic or something.

Well, it originally was in a scene like that, but the scene itself
had no other purpose so I ditched it.  Might be better to move it
down a little later where it would be more relevant.
 

      MC did something with computers, but there wasn't a
person in Tokyo who didn't these days.  Even public works had a
small army of androids to program.  MC's secret career had to be a
little better than sanitation though since he lived in one of the
swankiest apartment blocks in the city, though it was a bit eerie for
Kyo since he had never seen anyone else on that floor.
      "Here's you package, MC," Kyo told the eccentric with a

"you" - "your"?

But that's just hip speak!  ...okay, I'm covering for an obvious mistake.
 

small smirk as he slid it out of the snow guard and handed it over.
Normally, it was pay first, service second, but he doubted MC was
going to start stiffing him now.  Then he held up his credit card
and asked, "Did you say something about a triple bonus?"
      "For the heinous crime of breaking your vacation, I do
plead guilty and here is my fine in full," MC replied in his usual
musical tone as he punched a few digits on his own credit card and
swiped it against Kyo's.  A beep later, the transfer was accepted of
more money than Kyo honestly knew what to do with.

Nice money system, but I don't know if you should be calling them
"credit cards", since they don't look like they actually handle credit,
just pre-stored cash. Also, try "the transfer of more money ... to do
with was accepted." Flows better, methinks.

They're called credit cards anyway because that's what people are
used to calling them.  I'll work on the sentence though.
 

      KLS's omni-bike was composed mostly of recycled
materials, hard plastics and mixed metal alloys, which was good
enough for the average kid who begged their parents for one on
Xmas, but just wasn't up to the sort of punishment a courier goes

Aw, come on, do you have to use "Xmas"? Nobody pronounces it like
that, anyhow. Especially average kids.

Story takes place in Japan so I thought it fitting to avoid any
Christian connotations.  It seems to fit better for me in any case.
 

      KLS herself was in much better shape, though still a little
disheveled from the spill she had taken when the bike had given
out.  On the swim team at her high school, he knew, and not just
from the swim goggles around her neck that she wore to guard her
eyes from the snow.  It was one of the things she talked about
pretty often, and something he teased her about; that the male
spectators all went there to see her in he swim suit.  Her shoulder
length blonde hair usually made her stand out in a crowd; a small
en vitro alteration made by her full Japanese parents.

I like the small mentions of advanced tech; it's a good touch.

Thanks.  I wanted to give the feel of things being more modern
without it being 'the future!' like so many sci-fi things seem
to do.
 

      The first cases of EWS, Endless Winter Syndrome, actually
happened before the snowfall had even begun, though these were
only first stage cases and usually diagnosed as simple paranoia
with a cold fixation.  It was only about a month or two after the
snow started that the 2nd stage cases emerged, which was treatable
with heavy medication.  Thankfully, there were only about a dozen
reported cases of 3rd stage EWS so far.

Um, is this a nuclear winter or something, and will it be explained?

It's a little hard to explain when no one knows the cause yet...
Started snowing eight months ago and just hasn't stopped.  It'll
be explained by the end of the story along with everything else
though.
 

      His friend's eyes were flat and dead, like they were carved
of ice, but his fists were bunched up so tightly that a slow drip of
blood emerged between his fingers, splattering the scuffed floor.
His whole body trembled, like a spring about to be sprung, or like
a man about to slip into 3rd stage EWS.
      Fallout children, unborn babies exposed to a strange kind of

Perhaps. "Fallout children, exposed to a strange kind of energy during
gestation"?

Maybe, maybe.  Gestation is such an inelegant word though.

energy when the island home of the aliens mysteriously exploded,

This island home wasn't known as "Macross", was it?

No, they gave the aliens monster island.  Godzilla was pissed.

This line needs a little more explanation. First mention of aliens, and
why are they living on Earth?

Well, the story isn't about the aliens and I don't want to turn
the first chapter into one big glob of exposition.  It'll be
expanded upon in later chapters.  Just wanted to plant the
seed for now.
 

      "I guess things are rough for a lot of people with all this
snow... but I'm supposed to close the store in about five minutes,
so I should probably help you find what you're looking for," the
woman changed the subject with an embarrassed smile before
speed-browsing through the racks to select a few tapes and a book.

tapes? seems a little low-tech for the future.

Bah, why does it say 'tapes'?  I must have been thinking of
a different word.  I'll fix it.
 

      "Well, he's a weird guy.  I think he wishes he was an
android or something," the woman replied with a crooked grin as
she handed him a bag with pictures of gleaming chrome androids
on it holding the store's logo.  Then she added as she leaned over

the androids are holding the logo? You probably don't even need to
describe the bag.

Yes, though perhaps the sentence needs work.  And I don't have
to describe anything at all really, but would be a very dry
story that way, wouldn't it? :p
 

the counter, exposing where the powder ended and her real skin
tone began, "My name is Madoka by the way.  It was nice meeting
you."

"Madoka, by the way."

      Realizing that he had been staring off into space for some
moments, Kyo quickly and nervously said, "Thanks for the help,
Madoka-san.  I'll probably be imposing on you again pretty soon.  I

I think this is the first place you use honorifics - shouldn't you be 
using
them earlier?

Where?  There was no possible place to use them earlier.  Kyo
never addressed Ryosei by name and he knows KLS and MC too
well to use them, not to mention it would be a bit awkward
with their 'names'.
 

Wow. Very inventive. Your style is also very polished. The story reminds
me a bit of the beginning of Chobits, but I'm sure you'll be able to 
make
it distinctive.

Thanks.  I've revised it enough times, though it's obvious I
still missed a few things.  I originally wrote this over two
years ago, which was about a year before I even heard of Chobits,
though I've read the first volume of the manga since and honestly
don't like it for reasons I won't get into.

I've already written the first fourteen chapters of Endless Winter,
which are posted on my website www.ammadeau.net.  I posted this here
because I've been in writing slump lately and hoped it would snap me
out of it.  Probably won't post the rest here since there doesn't
seem to be much interest.

Thanks for your comments and corrections,
Ammadeau




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