Disclaimer: Love Hina is yet another one of those series which I've
only a partial knowledge of; I've seen a number of the anime episodes,
but by no means all of them, and have only read one or two of the
manga volumes.
坂本くろき <yukurakl1@yahoo.co.jp> writes:
The Death of Inn Hinata
But speaking of disclaimers... ;-)
The large cardboard box slowly yet steadily rolled
up the stairs that led to Inn Hinata, in grim defiance of
physics, yet its deceased occupant could hardly care less.
How does a cuboid box roll? And, is there any benefit to having it
done this way rather than by post, other than to set the supernatural
style?
After falling under the effects of the other inanimate
object within the box, they were in no condition to prevent
the next phase of its self-appointed mission.
What's the other inanimate object? Perhaps I missed it, but it doesn't
seem to appear. It'd be good if it appeared; perhaps, for example,
sunglasses Keitarou is wearing, then Sinobu, then the turtle, or a
necklace, or something. (Preferably something cute and innocuous, to
fit the horror conventions that evil lurks in the heart of children's
dolls).
As the package reached the top of the stairs and the
wide expanse of the front yard of the Inn, bathing in the
late-sunrise light filtering through the surrounding trees,
it aroused the curiosity of Onsen Tamago, who flew around it
for a couple circles as it continued its laborious end-over-
end crawl towards the front door.
Oh, it is tumbling.
She landed on the box,
having decided to ride it a short ways, but quickly changed
her mind and began flapping her small forelegs in an attempt
to drag it indoors.
The front door opened before them and Naru appeared
in the doorway, holding a broom and wearing both an apron
and an annoyed expression, stopping short when she noticed
the turtle and box blocking her path. Confusion dissipated
her anger as she looked down quizzically.
"Tama? What's that?" She knelt down to examine the
label, which addressed it to Inn Hinata, but did not contain
a return address. Tama meowed innocently and floated away,
Does Tama actually meow? It's been too long since I've seen any LH
episodes, but I don't remember him sounding particularly cat-like.
leaving Naru the unenviable task of bringing the box inside.
"Wow! A delivery! Is it food?" The impossibly energetic
Suu skipped into the inn's foyer, chased by a less-energetic
Motoko, who held a damp rag in her hand and most of a bucket
of water in her hair and hakama.
heh
Naru pushed the mysterious box into the foyer, no small
feat considering its weight, and flopped on top of it in
frustration as it was only halfway in. "Gah! I don't know what
this thing is, but it feels like it weighs a ton! Can you help
me get it in, Motoko?"
Wringing out her clothes, the kendoka walked over and
helped her friend finish pushing the box into the middle of
the room. Tamago continued flying around the room, waiting for
the girls to open it.
"That's odd, it doesn't have a return address," Motoko
noted, somewhat out of breath, "Shouldn't we wait for Keitarou
to get back so he can open it?"
Naru's annoyed expression instantly returned. "If he's
going to run out on us without so much as a note of where he
went, then I don't care. You realize how much studying I've
gotten done since we've had to catch up on doing his job? One
hour! How am I supposed to--" She stopped, looking closer at
Motoko. "Why are you all wet?"
Oddly enough, Keitarou had only left one hour previously. :-)
(Seriously, it might be worthwhile to give an indication of how long
Keitarou has been gone).
In the silence that followed, one could have heard a
turtle land gently onto Sinobu's head, which one did. One
would shortly thereafter hear five simultaneous screams of
shocked horror.
Folded haphazardly inside the box was the silent form
of Keitarou, his head tilted backwards at an impossible angle,
staring blankly at the ceiling.
So here the other inanimate object should be visible.
Mitsune and Suu both stared in open mouthed shock at the
gruesome sight. Motoko covered her nose, both at the smell of
decomposition as well as the instantly recognizable traces
of the evil that lingered around the body; whoever did this
was no mortal agent.
So, Motoko promptly warned the other residents that there was a
supernatural evil going around killing people, right? Oh, wait, that'd
violate one of the cardinal rules of horror movies: keep your cards
close to your chest. Otherwise, someone might actually make it out
alive.
"Wait, what's inside? Who are you talking about?" Naru
took a step inside, but Sinobu, alarmed, scooted back again.
"No! It's inside! We have to run!" she shouted, even more
frantically looking around at the walls of her room as if they
were living things, but slowly became overcome with a fresh
wave of despair and looking at her hands. "Too late."
So Sinobu knows something about this, eh?
Keitarou was dead. Why? Who would kill him, stuff him into
a box, and then mail it to his house? From what she knew of him,
he wasn't the sort to have this done to him, and besides, he had
So, who exactly is the sort to get killed, stuffed in a box, and
mailed?
proven himself inhumanly resilient to almost injury that had
happened to him.
But this line disturbs me, because it mixes two universes. (If the
violence that the house residents inflicted upon Keitaro was serious,
then they really would have been abusive; but if it wasn't, then it
isn't particularly relevant when comparing to a situation where
somebody seriously tried to kill him. Even it were serious, it doesn't
seem tremendously relevant).
I'd suggest dropping it. (But if you don't, it should be 'almost every')
"he-help!" she gasped, reaching her hands up to her neck
to try and open whatever had just clamped down on it, but it
held fast, and her cry had been muffled enough so that nobody
but her heard it. As the dark room grew even dimmer, she was
able to manage one more garbled plea.
"keitarou..."
I'm assuming the lower-case in 'help' and 'keitarou' is intentional,
to represent her lower volume? It's an interesting technique.
With sword prepared, in case there was more than one
intruder, Motoko edged carefully out into the hallway, brushed
aside fragments of her door, and let out a pained gasp at
seeing who she had just killed.
It was really Sinobu.
"Oh no," she sobbed, falling to her knees, horrified at
the idea that she could have misjudged so grievously that she
accidentally hit Sinobu, instead of the murderer who was at
her door earlier, with a lethal technique.
Doesn't Motoko have a technique that only attacks the evil inside,
leaving a person unscathed? If that was the zanganken, Motoko should
have some idea that it had been too late, anyway.
Abruptly, Sinobu's grip loosened on the pair of grenades
she had been holding. Motoko's expiring thought was to notice
that they both had that triple-eye logo that Suu liked to keep
on most of her belongings.
All of the others' deaths seemed relevant to them, somehow (well,
perhaps not Keitarou's), and this seemed out of place. It's ok to let
one person survive, really... :-)
Onsen Tamago circled above the inn, away from the blast
of the grenades. The small fire caused by the explosion, with
the fuses out and nobody tending the house, would soon consume
the entire inn. Tamago, or rather the possessed shell that was
once Tamago, meowed in acknowledgment. With one final loop
around the doomed building, she flew away, small beady greenish
eyes reflecting the moonlight, and went in search of her next
mission.
And this is another part of the ending which didn't really work for
me. The entity responsible is clearly not reliant on a possessed
body, so what is its motivation to stick with the flying turtle?
Furthermore, what mission? That's the only hint we have that this
thing has been sent.
Its a nice bit of imagery, but it doesn't seem to make a whole lot of
sense.
Now, on the bigger picture, I think DB Sommer has good ideas about how
to improve the story. Show how Keitarou runs into the entity, and hint
at its motivation or actions. (Forex, he's exploring a system of caves
near the inn, and finds a 5000 year old mummy who decides to play
around a little after being woken up).
It might be a good idea to have at least one sort-of justification for
the slasher to come into play, too. (be a descendant of those who
burned the entity alive, or engage in promiscuity at a campground, or
hit someone with a car before throwing him into the sea). Simply
having a random encounter occur between a supernatural demon and the
residents is somewhat unsatisfying.
I thought you gave indications that Sinobu knew more about what was
going on than was indicated, but that went nowhere. Was she just
freaking out?