Hi!

This is only the second time I've offered some
comments on this story. Overall, I think you've
done a great job with the story, weaving back
and forth between the past and present, merging
beautiful prose with just the right amount of
tech-speak...it's incredible.

I just have a few comments below:

                     = = = =

                      T E N

               A Ranma  1/2 Fanfic

         By  R. E. (ranma_e@hotmail.com)

    Illustrations by Irka (irka@ciudad.com.ar)

                     = = = =

    CHAPTER SEVENTEEN "Come Hell or HighWater"

                 = = = = = = = =

Link activated the helicopter's external sensors, 
her fingers gliding efficiently over the control 
pad as she quickly brought several systems online. 
The screen flickered to life, showing a blue-
tinted representation of the forest area directly 
below them.  Between the heavy noise of the 
chopper's rotors turning overhead and the 
concentration required to monitor the wide array 
of sensors, it was several moments until she 
realised Scar was talking to her.

"Sir?" she asked, without looking up.

"Progress report!" Scar shouted, his voice drowned 
out by the roar of air surging through the 
vehicle.

In military helicopters, typically, passengers wear
heavy headphones equipped with mikes so that they
can communicate without having to shout.

Baker had opened the door and was leaning out into 
the morning sun, sweeping his gun back and forth 
as he peered down into the forest.  Despite the 
wide selection of sensor equipment aboard the 
chopper he insisted on searching with his own 
eyes.  The net effect was a deafening gale that 
drowned out all but the loudest of speech.

Should not have been a problem...see above comment.

"Sensors online, Sir.  No sign of activity below."

"Keep searching," Scar instructed.  "She's down 
there somewhere.  There's a lot of ground to 
cover, and we might not have much time to do it. 
With Bravo out looking for Blue's chopper we're 
all Wing has, so let's get to it."

"I hope Ukyo's alright," Angel said, peering over 
Link's shoulder to view the monitor.  "I hope that 
monster hasn't hurt her."

"Acknowledged, Sir," Link replied, giving Angel a 
small nod as she added, "I'll find her."

Ever since the incident, Angel had been an 
emotional wreck.  Link supposed she would have 
felt the same if she had been in the same 
situation.  She was slightly concerned about the 
attachment Angel seemed to have formed to Wing 
since the incident, but tried not to dwell on it 
too much.  There would be time to talk to Angel 
later, after the mission.

* * *

A dozen warnings flared wildly inside Ukyo's 
skull, each more urgent than the last.  Blood 
pressure, oxygen levels, heart rate, each running 
dangerously low as Ranma's icy grip upon her 
throat threatened to squeeze the very life out of 
her.  Two piercing blue eyes stared directly into 
hers, seeming to see into her as she swam at the 
very edge of consciousness.  She tried to move, to 
struggle, to do anything but look into those eyes, 
but her body was held in thrall.

"Where. Is. She?"

Where is who?  What the hell are you talking 
about, you crazy bitch?  Who? How can I tell you 
if I don't know?!

"Who?" she croaked, using all of her strength to 
force the word through her compacted windpipe. 
All of the outrage she felt, all of the fear and 
the anger, summed up in one word.

She felt her body move away from the tree, only to 
be slammed powerfully back into it.  She felt a 
faint awareness of the vibration running through 
the tree trunk, but felt no pain in her own body. 
It simply hung limply, a rag doll unable to move 
of its own accord.

Green leaves, shaken loose by the impact, drifted 
gently down toward the earth below.  Those unlucky 
enough to fall too near to Ranma shriveled and 
died, green turning to brown as they curled and 
crumbled, dissolving into tiny pieces in midair.

Very nice prose here.

"Akane.  Tell me where you've taken my Akane!"

The air was thick with the stench of death.  She 
could feel her body growing cold, a profound 
numbness that was spreading from her fingers and 
toes, creeping ever closer to her heart.  She was 
losing the fight, she could feel it.

Who the hell is Akane?

Ranma's grip tightened; Ukyo could feel her veins 
throbbing weakly against their vicelike grip, 
growing weaker with each passing beat.  Her 
eyelids grew heavier, and she could feel them 
closing.  The darkness surrounded her, sweeping 
the world away with its deceptively soothing 
touch.

Something happened then that she did not expect. 
The leaves stopped falling, instead hanging 
suspended in midair.  The icy chill of Ranma's 
breath faded to nothing.  The faint beating of her 
heart stopped.  All was motionless.  She tried to 
move her eyes, to blink, but she was utterly 
immobile.

-My Lady, can you hear me?-

-I can hear you.  I don't understand ... am I 
dead?-

-No, My Lady.  I am communicating with you on a 
high-frequency channel that operates at a much 
higher speed than most normal brain functions. 
Using this method we are able to transmit tens of 
thousands of messages per second.-

-I ... I don't ... why has everything stopped?-

-Nothing has stopped, My Lady.  You are merely 
perceiving the world at a much faster rate.  That 
is why you cannot move your eyes.  They are 
moving; but they are moving very slowly.-

-So I'm still alive.-

-Yes, My Lady.  I suggest that we take steps to 
ensure you remain so. Listen carefully; we do not 
have much time.-

-I ... I'm listening.  Tell me how to get out of 
this.-

-My tactical analysis of the situation is 
complete.  Without the Frame there is no way for 
you to overcome Ranma.  At this rate, your brain 
will be starved of oxygen in thirty-seven seconds 
and you will die.  My analysis suggests only one 
possible means of survival.-

-Which is what?-

-Reason with her, My Lady.  She is requesting the 
location of this 'Akane' person.  Tell her you 
know where Akane is.  Tell her you will lead her 
to Akane.  If she believes you have information 
that can assist her, she will cease her attack.-

-But I don't know anything about Akane!  I don't 
even know who she is.-

-I suggest we cross that bridge when we come to 
it, My Lady.  It will almost certainly be further 
in the future than thirty-seven seconds.  Once the 
Frame is repaired, our position will be much 
stronger.-

A nice touch.

As quickly as it had stopped, the world moved 
again.  The leaves that were held suspended 
flitted effortlessly to the ground, skimming along 
the dried mud as the wind pushed them.  The 
pressure around her throat resumed, her lungs 
struggled for breath, and at last her heart beat 
once more.

"Okay ... okay," she managed, choking the words 
through clenched teeth. The deathgrip upon her 
throat loosened, and precious air flooded down her 
throat and into her lungs.  She coughed, choking 
on the sudden abundance of oxygen, and struggled 
to speak.  "I'll tell you."

"Where is she?!" Ranma demanded.

"I can ... I can show you where she is."

Very clever of the Seraph Wing to have been able
to figure out a solution, albeit probably a
temporary one, to get out of the sticky solution.
Fuzzy logic?

* * *

----------------->< snip snip ><-----------------

He jolted upright as he felt Akane's hand surge 
forward, wrapping itself around his wrist in a 
solid grip.  Panicking, he yanked his arm away as 
hard as he could, but her hold would not yield.

His wide eyes shot to her face, his panic rising 
as he saw a tiny smile on lips that had a moment 
ago been neutral.  He looked into her eyes, those 
deep blue orbs, and let out a gasp.  Within them 
there was a faint white glow, purest alabaster, 
that defied his efforts to look away.  He could 
feel those eyes upon him, within him, sucking him 
in, wrapping their gaze around him.

I think it would have been difficult for him to
determine the color of her eyes given that the only
light in the room was the red one. Also, Akane's
eyes aren't blue in the anime (don't know about the
manga) so why are they blue now? Is it because of
her dragon heritage?

"Gotcha!"

* * *

Akane lay face-up in a pool of hot silvery water, 
a tranquil, rock-bound pond that held her easily 
afloat.  The air around the pool was cold, her 
surroundings masked by a thick, impenetrable fog. 
There was no noise save for the sound of a small 
waterfall, more of the white water tumbling over 
the edge to renew the pond.  Wispy clouds of steam 
rose from the base of the waterfall, drifting off 
to join the fog encircling her.

She stretched out, weightless, suspended in the 
wonderful, soothing liquid. She could not remember 
ever feeling so relaxed, so centred and at peace. 
The very touch of the water on her naked skin 
rejuvenated her, filling her with its delightful 
heat and easing the pain from her muscles.  She 
let out a long, slow sigh and closed her eyes. 
The water seemed to wash away her cares and 
worries, leaving behind only contentment.

This place is wonderful.

"is" = "was"? Unless this is Akane mentally saying
this. However, there is no indication in this
sentence that this is so.

----------------->< snip snip ><-----------------

* * *

Ryoga's eyes snapped open.  Wide awake, his gaze 
zipped back and forth, taking in his surroundings. 
The sound of his own gasped breath filled his 
ears, joined by a multitude of others: the low 
buzz of the small red light overhead, the distant 
hum of an air-conditioning unit as it worked to 
cool the air, the low rumble of the Leviathan 
Spring's engines.

When Ryoga initially entered the room, there was
humidity, which suggests that the air-conditioning
unit either didn't exist or wasn't turned on. This
is a mystery.

Vague memories began to resurface.  Faint memories 
of rainclouds, sloshing water and clouds of steam 
smouldered in his mind, evoking a strong sense of 
familiarity.  He stared at the ceiling, but it was 
bare; ran his hands along the metallic floor, but 
it was dry.

Was it a dream?

Slowly, cautiously, he sat up.  A small table lay 
nearby, its legs broken. Fanned out beyond the 
table were dozens of scattered sheets of paper and 
mixed among them, tiny shards of broken glass.  He 
stared at the table for a long time, confusion 
clouding his thoughts.

He quite clearly remembered falling, striking the 
table, but while the table remained, the water 
which caused his fall did not.  The sheets of 
paper were typewritten, cleanly printed, showing 
no smudges or other signs of contact with 
moisture.

The mention of paper seems out of place here. What
would pieces of typewritten paper, obviously a report
of some kind, be doing in a room that was just meant
to house Akane?

That's about it for my comments. I hope they become
helpful to you. I eagerly await the next chapter.

-- DarkHorse

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