At 05:42 AM 9/5/2003 +0000, Philip Bloom wrote:
*scratches his head* A well written fic marred by a few choice problems
that run throughout it. The most easily fixed and most thoroughly
ingrained is the extraneous character bashing that runs throughout
it. You go so far to bedevil most the cast that you make it hard to
believe in the very characters you are speaking through. I mean, look at
how you've painted Nodoka's logic line. According to her Genma has
absolutely no traits of merit at all and never has. She actively
reminisces about how she'd have to sell her adjecent properties (2? I'm
assuming that's a misnomer, as owning two houses in Tokyo would put Nodoka
as quite wealthly and also well out of the whole worrying about food costs
for two-three people bracket) because he ate and drank so much. Now,
traditionally, we can picture Nodoka as at least swayed in some fashion by
Genma in their youth (even if you decide he's a devil now), but you don't
even allow for that which raises the question: "If she knew from the get
go he was worthless trash, why marry him? If she can't even think of a
kind thought regarding him, why in the world would she entrust her son to
him? etc." What makes it even more mind boggling to me is that the
primary evil laid at Genma's feet (and Nodoka's great 'mistake' of sending
Ranma off with him) is that Ranma is supposed to be 'broken'. He's,
according to Nodoka, an uncouth, rude individual who has overbearing pride
and is only good at the martial arts. To be perfectly clear: "Ranma was
brash, egotistical, insensitive, unobservant in anything not directly
related to the Art, and horribly insecure. All in all, a total disaster
just waiting to happen."
Not actually a problem except...you don't portray him like this at
all. Thus far in your fic he's come across as, at worst, a well adjusted
teenager or, at best, a generally chivilaric(sp) sort. The only instance
I noticed in two chapters to even indicate any of what you were saying was
with Kuno, and even then, it was overshadowed by how much it was written
to be a good and just action. You basically all but tell us Kuno deserved
it after the whole charade with the steel blade.
ASIDE: What was with that anyhow? This is a cast that practically tears
through walls with toothpicks. Beside the fact that there's been far more
deadly weaponry revealed by other characters and it's not made something
of, there's no reason to presume that a steel blade in Kuno's hands would
be significantly more dangerous. I mean, he's able to cleave through
solid stone with a wood one.
Basically, you have the fic relying on Ranma being one thing as a premise
in it, and then portray Ranma to be quite different from your
premise. This, by association, draws weaknesses to your other troublesome
'premise' (the overly demonic Genma utilized as a plot device to explain
the sudden cut off from Nerima), and then the combination makes the whole
fic seem weak. It's hard to take Nodoka seriously after she's recited the
logic above.
Another issue I have with the fic is the supernatural aspect surrounding
Nodoka. I'd suggest it's a bit too much, at least in context of how much
it's developed compared to how quickly it's trotted out. In a meger two
short chapters we have it revealed that Nodoka is supposedly a supreme
sword fighter, has an incredibly wealthy family which spans the globe, has
happosai (who's really her older brother in disguise) under her thumb, has
another sister who both is an expert on the amazons and an expert in magic
(to at least the degree that she's capable of remaking a house in an
instant). I think I got it all, but don't you think this is a touch much
to reveal in two short chapters? You are trotting the borderline between
outright contrivance and reasonable plot twist, and at least for me, you
seem to be well on the wrong side of that border.
Anyhow, just one last comment before I turn in, this one regarding
something that flat out confused me in chapter 1.
***
Ranma rested his chin on his hands and slumped further into his cushion.
�Yeah. Kasumi is like a big sister to me, she�s always so nice to everyone.
Nabiki? Blech, I�d rather kiss a viper than have anything to do with her;
she�s worse than the Old Ghoul. And Akane ��
The young man stared wistfully off into space. �I don�t know, Mom. When she
smiles, it�s � I dunno � it�s kind of like the whole world lights up. Gods,
I wish she�d smile more. Her and me � we � I � it�s *never* gonna work out.
She�s always hitting me, yelling at me, calling me a pervert, and she�s got
no reason to. She hasn�t trusted me once since the day we met and she always
takes everything the wrong way when it�s not my fault.�
He looked at his mother, eyes wide. �It just don�t seem to matter what I say
anymore, Mom. I � I � I *killed* for her; what more do I gotta *do*?� In a
flash Ranma got up and ran upstairs to his room.
Nodoka blinked at the sudden disappearing act, and then glowered balefully.
Death wasn�t good enough for Genma for what he had done to her son. Maybe
her elder sister could come up with a few creative ideas.
***
Besides the unnecessary projecting in this scene, how did Nodoka get from
the last Ranma line to her thought path? I really can't see it. It's
like: "Apples! GENMA IS EVIL BASTARD KILL KILL KILL!" It leaves a sense
of 'WTF?' going on.
Dracos
A very interesting set of comments, and ones that forces me to conclude
that you have yet to discern which series this story is crossed over with.
If this is truly the case, it is a good reminder to me that even if
something seems painfully obvious to one set of readers, it doesn't
necessarily follow that it will be that obvious to others.
The Ranma 1/2 basis of the story uses the manga characterizations, in which
the cast are all generally fairly balanced with one or more obviously
glaring faults. However, one general characteristic of virtually all manga
characters is their ability to jump immediately to exactly the wrong
conclusion based on a quick initial impression or mistaken idea. I have
used this tendency and strengthening it where needed based upon the
character's actual background or identity in the story.
The Nodoka in this story is a perfect example of this. You have already
noted that her own perception of Ranma does not match the actual portrayal
of Ranma in the first couple of chapters. Does this also not strongly imply
that her perception of Genma is equally skewed? Notice that a scene with
Genma actually in it has yet to take place, and that the story hasn't
portrayed Genma in any light except by his absence or through the
perception of others.
I would suggest you review the section in chapter 1 where Nodoka talks to
Father on the phone. This contains about the broadest hint as to which
major series is used for the crossover. I've made no secret in the writing
that both Nodoka and Mukanjou/Happosai are crossover characters. I'll add
that Nodoka is playing a part just as much as Mukanjou is, and that both
their Japanese names are simply nom de guerres. Furthermore, the meanings
of the Japanese names can be taken as something of a bad joke.
All of your concerns and confusions regarding Nodoka should disappear once
you are able to puzzle out her true identity. She is probably the most
extreme character in the story, but she is actually acting very much in
accordance with her real nature. There are numerous hints as to who she
really is (as well as a few misdirections) and I've taken liberties in
defining Nodoka's family tree, but no more so than was done in the series
the character uses as an origin.
I'll address the issue of Ranma's reaction to Kuno's sword directly,
because this brings up an interesting cultural point. To my understanding,
there is a major difference in attacking someone with a katana as opposed
to a bokken. The amount of physical damage the wielder can actually do with
either is irrelevant, because we're dealing with intent.
When Kuno attacks Ranma (or whomever) with a bokken, he is trying to defeat
him in a Martial Arts fight. How badly Ranma might get hurt as a result is
unimportant, what the intent Kuno is showing is to challenge and defeat his
opponent using his Art. However, when Kuno attacks Ranma with a katana, it
means something else entirely. Attacking with a katana (or other live
blade) shows an intent to kill from the very start. Kuno is no longer
simply trying to defeat Ranma, he's trying to kill him, period.
This is analogous to someone - who normally tried to beat you up with his
fists - suddenly pulling out a gun and start shooting at you. He might or
might not have been trying to kill you with his hands, but you know damn
well he's after your life with the gun.
Does this help explain Ranma's reactions here? Kuno has just added himself
to the list of opponents who are actively trying to kill him - something he
hasn't had to worry about from Kuno before. I'd be rather pissed off
myself in a similar situation.
Thanks for the comments!
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