DB Sommer wrote:
And moving on to the second part:
"Ucchan came back?" Ranma asked, scratching behind one ear in confusion.
Come on, Ranma, surely you don't think she was reintroed for that measely
scene. I suspect we'll be seeing a lot more of her for a while.
It's possible.
"She said she wanted to tell you where she was going to set up her
shop," Haruka explained quickly, while Ranma looked around, bewildered.
"I should say hello," she reasoned, before the woman reached out a hand
to restrain her, shaking her head.
That bit parses off for some reason. Too many 'hers' perhaps.
Hmm. You're right; I'll cut out a bit.
---
"I should say hello," she reasoned, before Haruka reached out a hand
to restrain her. "Something wrong?" Ranma asked, looking up at the
taller woman.
---
"Oh, right." Haruka removed her foot from the small of Keitaro's back,
where she had tripped him to the ground. "Break a leg."
Took me a second to realize that was because of the basan comment.
Needs work?
"You should be more careful," Naru warned.
to whom? Keitaro?
Keitaro -- will add his name in after 'warned'.
"Not anymore," she giggled.
Shinobu: Especially since all the others are *really* screwing things up.
Anything I mess up will pale in comparison to their antics.
You know, that's true, too, even if it is an un-Shinobu-ish thought. :p
The lights on the backdrop of the stage dimmed, the 'intermission'
'Intermission' (I'm pretty sure the word would be capitalized on the sign,
and you're quoting it exactly.
Ooh. Better fix that from the last chapter, too.
Or, apparently I got it right last chapter. O_o
She bobbed her head quickly, offering another smile before her
expression became serious. "Raiko and his four retainers journeyed in
search of adventures, but one of Raiko's most famous exploits was his
fabled battle against the ground spider -- Tsuchigumo!"
Bah! It was the Garden Slug, Shinamizu, that was the true worst enemy. :)
Actually, historically, you don't have too many villainous slugs. I wonder
why.
Brave Fencer Musashi faced off against one.
Well, he threw Rock Salt at it.
Does that count?
up, showing hilly, lushly carpeted terrain, Raiko and his retainers
marching along a worn dirt road.
That parses off. Might want to rewrite and separate them into two sentences.
Alrighty.
---
The stage lit up, showing hilly, lushly carpeted terrain. Raiko and
his retainers marched along a worn dirt road that cut along the base of
one of the hills.
---
The woman, who looked similar to one of the peasants from Suetake's
village, clasped her hands together as she saw Raiko. "Noble samurai!"
she cried, climbing to her feet, hurrying to the group. "Please," she
begged, the smaller girl trailing her.
shouldn't that the smaller girl trailing her' be after 'hurrying to the
group' it's really out of place there.
Hmm. Good call.
---
"Noble samurai!" she cried, climbing to her feet, hurrying to the
group while the smaller girl trailed her. "Please," she begged, "you
must heed my warning!"
---
"Warning?" Raiko asked, surprised. "What do you need to warn us of?"
Woman: Obviously you weren't listening to the narrorator. She already said
there's an evil ground spider about.
Heh~!
"The hills, at night -- we do not know."
"Why do they attack you?" Kintoki asked, stepping to Tsuna's side.
"They seek to rob of us all we own, and torment us," the woman said,
Hmm. Sounds like lawyer mimes. Kill them all. NOw.
Er... now that would be strange....
shaking her head. "More, I cannot say, for I do not know."
"When do they attack you?" Sadamitsu asked, moving next to Suetake.
"They attack each new moon, but our preparations for them are in vain,"
Woman: The big signs that say 'KEEP OUT' and banana peels we lay about seem
to have no effect on them.
Keitaro: Yeah, I've noticed that doesn't work against common
household pests, either.
Sarah: Hey!
"Who leads them?" Raiko asked, one hand going to his sword.
I won't argue with the logic behind the question, considering she has no
idea what they are, it seems unlikely she knows the organizational
structure.
I think there's a 'but' missing from that comment? O_o
You have a good point, but I need to consider this one. They are
kind of adlibbing, but.... Hmm.
I think I should let this one slide. Either it's in the script, or
they're ad-libbing.
Kintoki nodded sagely, trying not to grin, and told Raiko, "The forest
animals say that a monster called the ground spider lives here."
Years later, when one of the children went on a murderous rampage, others
would point out it was being referred to as a 'forest animal,' and thusly
being cruely dehumanized, was the cause of the youth's anger. All the
particpants of the play were imprisoned for their misdeeds.
Ranma: And that's also what made me go down the road to being a lesbian.
Motoko: That's 'thespian', Ranma.
Ranma: Er, right. Anyway, that's emotional damage, right?
Suetake considered for a long moment, and crossed her arms over her
chest. "I think we should proceed to the town," she finally suggested.
"There, we can find more information, and restore our HPs."
Hey, kids nowadays can relate to that. :)
The only one who doesn't, at a glance, is Keitaro.
Ukyou warmed her hands over the grill on the yattai behind the
auditorium, still able to see across the audience to the stage itself.
"You took quite a few liberties with the story," she noted, flipping a
warming okonomiyaki.
"Ah, I'm sure everything will work out," Haruka said, shrugging. "Or
did I forget to send the last-minute changes to everyone but
Shinobu-chan and... hmmm."
Oh yes, and I'm sure she 'accidentily' forgot them as well. :)
Haruka: Well, I'm sure everything will work out eventually.
"Ah... yes, let us go to meet your father, then," Raiko suggested,
peering about nervously. "Tragedy could strike at any moment."
"I am not afraid, the
afraid: the
or
afraid. The
I'll take the latter suggestion for a thousand, Alex.
"Yes!" a tall skeleton warrior exclaimed, seeming to spring from the
ground itself.
"Exactly right," a shorter, more rounded one added, springing up next
to the first.
they do get arounf.
I think, honestly, that Haitani and Shirai were the real stars of
this play.
Didn't plan it that way, just worked out that way.
"Well, it's not like I have an axe like that handy," Kintoki grumped,
dropping her staff, and crossing her arms over her chest. As though
obliging a request, a massive gleaming axe fell from above, slamming
into the stage heavily enough to nearly unbalance Raiko and the
skeletons.
Heh.They shouldn't have opened their mouths.
They had to try.
"Maybe I took a few liberties too many," Haruka allowed, watching the
action across the stage.
"You think?" Ukyou asked dryly.
Nah
Well, if you can't laugh at yourself....
"No problem," Ukyou said, smiling. "These people love okonomiyaki.
When's the next intermission?"
Doesn't everyone? :)
I dunno. I've never had it, but I'd like to.
Sadamitsu nodded uncertainly, and swiped at one of the monsters with
her staff as it rushed at her. There was a flash of light from the
impact, and a glowing number appeared in the air over the monster's head.
heh. Nice touch.
Suu worked out ALL the details.
She realized how her words sounded in contrast to the action on the
stage, and quickly added, "And the support of his friends."
There you go.
And what she missed, Shinobu is obviously covering quite well.
Sadamitsu took an experimental swipe at the stone sarcophagus with the
drawn blade. It passed through the stone with no more visible resistance
than water, and a large chunk fell to the stage at Sadamitsu's feet.
Heh
Oh, yes, we know this sword.
"Good point," Haruka acquiesced. "We'll cut that scene and skip
straight to the final battle, instead."
Double heh. Yeah, use action as filler.
Well, when Haruka's directing, and the hero and main villain are
Keitaro and Seta respectively....
"Looks like Seta took a few liberties with the script on his own,"
Not really surprising.
At this point, it shouldn't be. :)
"Later, later," Haruka insisted, hustling Shinobu onto the stage and
vanishing from sight.
"I have a bad feeling about this," Keitaro said quietly.
Ranma: Whatever bad feeling you're having, it won't be bad enough. The
reality will be much, much, worse.
Keitaro: Somehow, that's not reassuring.
Ranma: It wasn't meant to be.
The three women flickered for a moment, then wavered, and collapsed,
vanishing, and being replaced by a pair of grinning men, one taller, and
one not as tall, but slightly more rounded.
Of course.
It was inevitable.
Before anything else could be said, the servant took a step back, and
produced a booklet from inside her kimono. She held it so that the
audience could not read the title, and muttered, though her voice
carried loudly enough to be heard, "Then servant three attempts to slay
Raiko, but is instead slain before her goal could be accomplished." She
looked up from her book sharply, and stared at Raiko. Frowning, she
tucked the book away, and approached one of the other disguised
servants. "Hey, guys, let's trade jobs!"
Heh.
And even though no one seems to like her, I think she's got a few
comedic uses here.
"Um... however," the narrator resumed, "Raiko was a light sleeper, and
woke when the servants drew near!"
The two disguised servants strode to Raiko's side as he sat up,
struggling to untangle himself from the blankets he had gotten trapped in.
"For the glory of the tribe!" the taller servant yelled, launching
himself at the hero.
"For the ground spider!" the more rounded one echoed.
"For the fact he has all the babes after him and we don't end up with jack
shit!" the cried as one.
Heh.
"For crying out loud," Haruka groaned, shaking her head.
Ukyou smirked, flipping over another okonomiyaki. "The best laid plans
I think it's 'the best laid of plans' but I could be wrong
Ukyou's got a funny accent? Let's see what google says.
Indecisive. I'll leave this one as is -- I think the meaning is
clear, and it would probably work out like the 'nother thing' vs.
'nother think' debate, which was completely inconclusive. :/
The brawl dragged on for a long minute, neither side gaining a clear
victor, though both Suetake and Sadamitsu sat up to watch, wincing
sympathetically from time to time.
but wincing was as far as their sympathy would take them.
Of course.
Kintoki glanced to
'at' instead of 'to' methinks
Whoops.
The audience watched raptly, as
think you can drop that comma
Done.
Kintoki and Tsuna were on their feet in a heartbeat, and Kintoki
expertly extracted a slightly worn Raiko from the battle, while Tsuna
simply kicked the remainder off of
can drop this 'of'
Dang -- thought I caught those.
"Not willing to forgive the Tsuchigumo's transgression, Raiko and his
men
she didn't correct it to 'band' instead of 'men' again"?
I messed that one up. And a few others, too. Think I've caught them,
now....
narrator exclaimed, nodding to herself slightly. "They ventured across
the plain, and shortly came to the entrance to the cavernous lair that
housed their dreaded foe...."
The lights faded off of the narrator, and focused
faded and focused? That seems odd. Might want to reword it somehow. The
light on the narrator faded as a second focused on the...
Dimmed?
And I should have pulled the extraneous 'of'.
"Now," he said insistently. "We finish this!"
I'd say cue up the Mortal Kombat theme, but that's been done to death.
Heh. Super-rad.
The interior of the cavern lit up, and a massive wooden throne came
into view, empty for the moment, but a pair of maidens -- the woman and
the princess from earlier -- were chained to either side, looking
somewhat surprised at their predicament.
four commas and a set of dashes. Cut that into two sentences and make the
reading easier.
In my day, we made the reader WORK for his story!
Done.
"Ah!" the Tsuchigumo exclaimed. "Then you are, perhaps, ready to face
me!" He nodded, and stepped into a martial stance, feet apart, hands
ready to strike. "Which of you shall I face first?"
"First?" Raiko asked, somewhat dumbfounded.
"We were thinking of gang tackling you."
"That wouldn't be fair," Tsuchigumo insisted.
"Only to you," Raiko pointed out.
"Good point," Tsuchigumo said right before the group descended upon him.
They try that later. ;)
Tsuna charged, sword ready, and carving a silver flash across the
stage, narrowly missing her grinning foe. "Not bad!" he evaluated,
countering with a foot-sweep that nearly knocked the warrior down. Tsuna
held her ground, swiping at the Tsuchigumo's feet half-heartedly and
then launching a blindingly fast spin-kick to his midsection.
He had only enough time to raise an arm, but his stance wasn't able to
save him being
save him from being (perhaps?)
Let's see....
Yeah, good call.
Kintoki stepped forward, but was cut off by Suetake's exclamation. "Me
first!" the small warrior enthused, dropping her bow and running towards
the Tsuchigumo.
Hmm. Wonder if she has a plan, or just wants to be dealt with so she can
enjoy the others fighting.
With Suu, you never know.
Just before the two combatants collided, Kintoki dropped the massive
axe, and slipped to one side, her arm only barely missing the
Tsuchigumo's chest. His counter was a kick in passing, which sent her
rolling, but the forgotten axe tumbled through the air, the heavy wooden
post on the back of the blade meeting the Tsuchigumo's face with a loud
thudding noise. The audience laughed, echoing loudly into the night.
Hmm. Now did he let that happen, or did Ranma sneak one in?
Let's consult the notes.
Looks like Ranma snuck one in.
"There is no limit to my evil!" the Tsuchigumo exclaimed. "Behold, I am
so wicked I would even kidnap...." He trailed off, stalking to the front
edge of the stage and eyeing the audience as though they were all
potential victims. After a moment, he shook his head, his grin widening.
"I've kidnapped... the narrator!"
Yep. Thought so. Shinobu needed to be a more active participant.
It was inevitable.
"Choose?" he said without comprehension.
"Strike me down, or rescue one of these girls!"
Ha! Only fools with solely linear thinking accept such questions. Reality
rarely offers only two options. He can attempt to do all of them. There's no
guarentee of success, but that's the other price that must be paid.
I think the law of diminishing returns kicks in here, somewhere, but
there's nothing to prevent trying.
"Why only one?" Raiko asked earning him a growl from the lighter-haired
prisoner.
See? :)
He's not too big on math, either.
"Because the chains will drop the ones you don't save into the
cookpot," Suetake warned.
Best to take out the cookpot then.
Now, that's something _I_ hadn't considered. Wish I had, but I
didn't, so....
It's bolted to the stage.
The... dirt....
....
None of them thought of it either?
"I'm a princess too!" Shinobu exclaimed, wriggling in her chains, and
glancing down into the cookpot fearfully. "Plus, I can cook, and clean,
and... if you pick me, I'll marry you!"
Heh. Wonder if she's getting caught up in the moment.
All of them are, a bit.
Keitaro shook his head, torn. What kind of decision was this, anyway?
No matter what Naru said, it was all about the play, not reality. Though
he had the suspicion that the entire affair went deeper, to some degree;
he already knew about Naru and Ranma, and the fact that they were dating.
His feelings aside, how could he pick her, knowing
don't think you need that comma
You sure?
Mutsumi? Well, if Ranma was choosing Naru already... but then, in the
play, how would Raiko justify sacrificing two princesses to spare a
single commoner woman? And why had they suddenly decided to put this
into a play for children?
Haruka: It's too highlight what it means to be an indecisive wuss, like you.
Audiance: We don't want to be like him! We'll grow up decisive.
Haruka: See? They already learned the moral of the story.
*snicker*
Shinobu winced as both Motoko and Ranma were repelled from attacking
Seta. Motoko was warded off with Tamago, and a kitten sent Ranma
panicking, to cower behind Motoko. Well, that wouldn't do any good.
Bah. They need to get back at him by shoving Haruka in his direction and
shout 'Commitment' at him. ^_^
He does that himself in the manga.
Earns him a bazooka shot in the face, among other things.
"It's right here!" Mitsune exclaimed in annoyance, while Shinobu tried
to see the hourglass that warned how much time she had left before the
chains dropped her and the others into the cookpot full of hot red...
whatever it was. Surely it only _looked_ like molten steel.
Suu: Nah. It doesn't look like molten steel at all.
Shinobu: That's a relief.
Suu: It only feels like it.
Heh!
A ball of golden flame formed in Ranma's hands, only a handful of
centimeters across, but glowing brilliantly, flecked with specks of
vibrant blue. The audience gasped collectively, and then Ranma launched
the ball of energy at Seta.
Seta set himself to receive the attack, and it dissipated harmlessly
before reaching the bespectacled man.
Heh. This might work
Or, you know, not.
Roused by the noise, Keitaro staggered to his feet, followed by Suu
bouncing upright, and Mitsune climbing up after Keitaro, leaning heavily
on her sword. "Take this blade," she said weakly, stumbling, but
remaining upright, and handing the blade over to Keitaro. He took it,
surprised by the blue glow, then nodded, features assuming a determined
set.
Wonder if he'll get possessed or something.
Eh... nope.
Then, he vanished, reappearing just before Seta, and slashing with his
sword. Seta returned the smile, his raised blade sparking against
Keitaro's violently, blue light suffusing the area as he barely managed
to parry the blow. "So I see," Seta said aloud, though probably he
hadn't meant for Shinobu or the others to hear it. "I know that style."
Hmm Didn't think Kei boy was really that good.
He's been hiding it.
I forget who asked for Keitatro's Mad L33t hidden ninja heritage,
but there it is -- he's descended from that annoying kid who fought Kenshin.
"Seta-san, I need some advice! How do I pick which one to rescue?"
"Tricky," Seta said as quietly as he could. "Keitaro... follow your
heart. Nothing else."
Swallowing, Keitaro nodded, understanding the man's advice.
And ran off with Haruka.
Well, maybe not. But it would be one hell of a plot twist. :)
And I still say Keitaro is really her and Seta's secret love child. It's why
Kei boy slowly evolves into Seta Jr. as the series progresses.
And _I_ still say you need to get around to writing that story.
He landed on the other side of the cookpot and looked up in
consternation. An expertly aimed shot from Suu wedged between the links
of Shinobu's chain and the structure suspending it, halting the chain's
descent, but she had no time for another shot, as with Naru freed
Mutsumi began to plummet the remaining meter to the cookpot.
"Oh, my!" she exclaimed, eyes widening.
Ranma will save the day.
Could be.
Ukyou wiped her hands on a small towel, and nodded doubtfully. "I'll
give you to the count of thirty," she said. "Then I hit the switch, and
run back to the yattai. Okay?"
"It's fair!" Haruka shot back, jogging towards the stage.
Hmm. Not quite sure I'm grasping why Ukyou's saying this.
She's running the lights so that Haruka can run back onto the stage.
Not clear enough?
Ranma managed to eke out an excited, "Aniki!" before scurrying to the
man's side, and pounding him on the back. "Aniki! How've you been!"
been?!"
I'll use just the question mark. Just in case.
Didn't expect him just yet. Thought you'd favor us with one more chapter
inbetween.
Kind of surprised myself, but it's been 10 chapters in this fic,
which is supposed to be a crossover with Goldenboy, and he's only shown
up in references and flashbacks.
Figured it was probably time. -_-
Final analysis for the two parts of chapter 10. While still good, it felt a
bit long winded for what it accomplished in the end. I think it had mostly
do to with the play framework, which had a lot of this revolving around a
story which didn't contribute much to the overall plot, save for the changes
made to the end. It was a nice payoff, though, and the final fight scene
highlighted Seta's shiftiness. And you had Ranma save Mutsumi-sama. Always a
big, big plus. ^_^
Nice work overall and another success on your part. Eager to see how the
original Oe will have an effect on things, and for how long he'll be
staying.
Well, I hope the next chapter is any good. ^_^;;
Thanks for taking the time to C&C, and sorry for taking so long to
reply; life happened when I wasn't expecting it.
DB Sommer