Aishuu Offers:
Those Who Lose Dreaming Are Lost
mbsilvana@yahoo.com
Disclaimers: CLAMPCLAMPCLAMPCLAMPCLAMP.
Note: The closure to the Sakurazakumori Subaru arc
that began with "Just Someone I Used to
Know" and continued with "How Could an Angel Fall So
Far?" 
Both are available on my Web site:
http://www.midnightrevolution.org/quicksilver
Credit to KrystalRose for the beta.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To love, to hate, to dream: these three things I know
well in my heart. And it all circled around one young
boy, with the greenest eyes and sweetest smile. That
is a memory I cherish, and one that has kept me going
for the past decade. I knew the world was a dark and
evil place. It was a fact I had come to accept when I
was sixteen and had fallen into a coma from which I
didn't want to awaken from...

Well, just because I had accepted it didn't mean I
wanted to think about it. Accepting darkness and
embracing it were two different things, and I still
needed to learn the difference. Tonight was a good
example of that, for I was taking one of my rare walks
after midnight, alone. It was one of those nights when
I knew I shouldn't be out on the streets. Still, I was
there, walking through places that I normally wouldn't
have dared to in the daylight, as though I was asking
for someone to hurt me.

Maybe I was. Maybe I wanted someone - anyone - to pay
attention to me. I was depressed again, and I needed
the acknowledgment that I existed. It was so tempting
to go into my room and fall asleep, and maybe...

But no. 

I had promised him that I wouldn't. It wasn't a vocal
one, but when I had opened my eyes that day, the
implied trust between us had been unspoken. You won't
run away from life anymore... he had seemed to ask of
me, and I had replied by staying awake rather than
running from all the dark and nasty things that were
in the world.

And I wouldn't, I promised myself. But I needed to
stop running towards them when something in my life
went wrong, as it always seemed to do. I had horrible
luck with relationships, and whenever layoffs came
around, I never had enough seniority to keep my job.
It was so very frustrating.

It was only at night, when I walked like this, that I
really felt alive. Only by risking your life could you
truly live.

"You shouldn't be out tonight," a soft voice said, and
I turned to see a figure emerge from the shadows. I
couldn't make out form or feature, and my heart
started to race.

"I- I..." I started to stammer, knowing I should run.
I didn't want to be hurt, not really...

It was that time again, and they would start
talking...

"Calm down," the voice said softly, and I twitched.
The voice was vaguely familiar in some way, like a
half-remembered dream. "Mitsuki-chan, it's me."

He emerged from the darkness like he was rising out of
a pool of fathomless water. I felt my heart stop
before it began to race. "Subaru-kun..." I whispered.

"Hello," he said softly. His voice was deeper than I
remembered. 

I looked into his deep green eyes, finding myself
fascinated. I had always remembered them as being like
emeralds or green grass, an impossible green, rich
color. But at that moment there seemed to be flecks of
amber near the center. Then it faded, leaving only the
color green that was beyond description. I wanted to
drown in them, and have him remake me as he had done
before. I wanted to love him, because he was special.
All of the men in my life had been jerks, and I think
it was because I had let Subaru slip away. I had
denied him when we were young, hurting him because he
was different.

"Walk with me?" I asked. I stepped closer, pulling my
summer sweater more tightly around my body, trying to
look vulnerable. Subaru had always had strong
protective instincts, and I knew he wouldn't leave me
alone. 

I had been alone for so long.

"I'll see you where you need to go," he told me. He
didn't offer to take my hand or touch me, but I gave
him a smile that he didn't return. I wondered about
that. The Subaru I knew always smiled.

Subaru smelled like cigarettes and sakura, an
intoxicating mix that went straight to my head, making
me feel light-headed. His face had refined into
maturity, and I realized that his childhood beauty had
faded away into something more adult, more masculine
and breathtaking. He was the type of man whom a woman
would pass on the street, turn around and take another
look at, wondering. He was Adonis, and I knew his soul
was just as perfect as his physical appearance. I had
been taken in by so many handsome bastards that I
wanted to cling to Subaru.

There was a sense of "otherworldliness" that clung to
him, something that I had always known was in him, but
now it seemed to have become a part of him. It made my
skin dance, but I didn't fear it anymore.

Was being different so bad? If he hadn't been an
onmyouji, I would have slept until I died. While a
dream is beautiful, it is living that makes life
worthwhile. Without pain, we cannot know the true
measure of joy. How can we scale the cliffs if there
are no pitfalls?

Though life is ugly, there is beauty as well, and he
held it in his hands. I wanted to grab him, beg him to
look at me and not leave me. 

Perhaps my life was finally turning around. He had
brought me back once; couldn't he do it again?

Subaru walked in silence with me for a while before
speaking. "You've grown up, Mitsuki," was all he said.
There was a stillness about his words, and I wondered
if he was still shy and trying to start a conversation
was awkward for him.

"We all grow up, Subaru-kun," I told him. "Some of us
more than others..."

"Not all of us grow up," he said pensively.

I winced. I had heard something about his sister being
killed, but details on Hokuto's death had never
reached me. I pressed my hand against the pale
material of his jacket in apology. "I'm sorry,
Subaru," I said softly. Perhaps he was still in
mourning for his sister. That could explain his solemn
nature, I rationalized. After all, there are said to
be ties between twins that none of us could
understand.

"We can't change the past," he told me. As he brushed
a hand through his hair, I noted he was still wearing
his gloves, even though the wild colors of his youth
had faded into more subdued tones.

"But we can live for the future," I said. "We have our
entire lives in front of us!" 

"The future has been decided for both you and me. Very
few people can break their predestined roles," he
said. "I'm not one of them."

Greatly daring, I moved closer to him, wrapping my
fingers into his smooth glove. The texture was
slippery, but my skin was rough from hard labor, and
managed to get a grip on it. Subaru didn't say
anything, but he didn't tighten his hand or pull away.

I supposed that was enough. In silence, we walked
together, and I allowed myself to imagine that we were
an ordinary couple out for a romantic stroll. How
would things have been different, if I hadn't rejected
Subaru back then? Would we be married now, with
children? I surely would have been happier, because
Subaru lived to make people happy.

I wasn't paying attention to where we were going,
blindly following him. Though we were supposed to be
going to my house, Subaru was leading the way, and the
streets were becoming unfamiliar.

Maybe... he was taking me home with him? I felt a
thrill of fear inside me, but also eagerness. After
all my suffering, Subaru had again come to rescue me.
"Where are we going?" I finally asked.

He didn't answer me, something else I found changed.
When he was younger, he would have explained
everything, but now he had become mysterious and
quiet. The loss of his sister must have affected him
greatly.

"Have you ever loved someone so much you thought you
would die?" Subaru asked, finally breaking his
ten-minute silence.

I remembered the way I felt for my first serious
boyfriend, how I thought I would slit my wrists when I
found out he was cheating on me. It was the memory of
Subaru, and how he had been so kind when I didn't
deserve it, that had stopped me. "Yes," I said. "But
we keep living."

"Physically, but sometimes our souls are killed. And
sometimes we have to die physically for our souls to
be freed," Subaru said.

He sounded so morbid, so unlike the always optimistic
Subaru I had known. Had losing Hokuto destroyed his
faith so badly?

Maybe... I could heal him, as he had healed me.

I turned to him, squeezing his hand in reassurance.
"I-" I started, but my eyes widened. My perception
felt...wrong. Around us, the streets were warping into
a beautiful park, and the scent of sakura became
nearly overwhelming. I gripped him more tightly,
feeling like I had stepped out of my world of mundane
and into his magical one.

"Subaru..." I whispered, hoping he would explain.

He slipped his hand away from me, and turned to face
me squarely, his dark clothes billowing around his
slender form, even though there was no breeze.

Had he been wearing black? I had thought...

I gasped in disbelief. "What... What happened? What is
happening?" I begged.

His eyes... His eyes didn't match anymore. One was
still the green of the emerald earrings I wore, but
the other... was a piercing amber. 

He said nothing, but I knew that something had changed
inside of him beyond my comprehension. It was now and
here that I had to lay my cards on the table.

"I... I love you, Subaru-kun." I stood without shame,
wanting his gentle smile and warm reassurances. The
world was a cruel place, I knew that, but he had
always been my one hope...that someday, I would find
happiness in him. 

"That's good," he said, and then he smiled. It was his
first smile and I shivered slightly. It held none of
the joy of ages past, but something more horrible,
something dark. "It's a beautiful thing to die in the
arms of the one you love." 

I felt my eyes widen, but before I could move, whether
towards him or to flee, his hand dashed itself through
my chest, too quickly for me to react. 

As I fell forward into the shadowy arms of my
attacker, I stared in shock. "Subaru-kun?" I gasped in
disbelief.

He said nothing, but I watched him pull his hand away,
covered in the red stickiness that was my heart's
blood. Subaru kissed my brow, brushing my bangs away
from my cheeks. "It doesn't hurt, does it?" he asked,
seeming a bit wistful. "Would that I could trade
places with you." 

I raised my feeble hands to feel the dampness of my
own blood flowing away from me, about to carry me away
in an undeniable tide. I felt myself fading and
realized I should be enraged at my murderer, but as I
stared at him, all I could feel was pity. Subaru,
sweet, sorrowful Subaru... where had the boy I loved
gone? Who was this stranger who was killing me? 

"Why..." I choked out through bloodstained lips, and
lungs that didn't want to work. It was a multi-
faceted question, one that asked everything and
nothing.

"Because... It's what I have become. And because it's
your Wish... You wished to know I cared for you, to
know that you existed. How can I show I care... except
to kill you?" He brushed another kiss against me, this
time on my lips, uncaring of the blood that
transferred to his mouth. "No one else will ever share
this with you..." 

I tried to reply, but he gave me a third, lingering
kiss, one that tasted like blood and cigarettes, and
against my will, I felt my eyelashes flutter down. His
soft voice lulled me as I slipped away, warmed by the
scent of sakura petals and the feel of Subaru's arms
around me. 

"Go to sleep, little one. Enter your dream once more."


END

=====
Down, down, down, would the fall never come to an end?
Wonder how many miles I've fallen?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mailing List: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Quicksilver/
Fanfiction: http://www.midnightrevolution.org/quicksilver/
Live Journal: http://www.livejournal.com/users/aishuu/

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