Niklas 'Hawk' Jonsson wrote:
Yo.
New kid on the block here, so I figured I'd waste a few moments to
introduce myself to ya'll. I've been refered to as The Crazy Swede
and The Deviant Viking, two nicknames which I pretty much think
says it all. :)
First off, welcome to the FFML. :)
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
Special Limited Edition Disclaimer: My experience with Love Hina is
limited to the first volume of the manga, so read all comments with that
in mind.
Tears of Blood[PG-13]
Niklas "Hawk" Jonsson
Summary: Inspired by Blood Hina on fanfiction.net and offended that the
otherwise brilliant Teriyaki Chicken used Kuei-jin instead of Kindred,
here's my version of how Keitarou is turned into a vampire...
Eh, I always thought the Kue-jin were kind of silly, anyways. :)
Disclaimer: Love Hina, Hinata Sou, Vampire - The Masquerade and whatnot
are not mine, though I certainly wish they were. The story is mine
though, all mine. This series deals with unpleasant things, such as death,
undeath and whatnot. If this disturbs you, don't read.
Really a nitpick, but its generally considered to be good form to
actually credit the original creators in the disclaimer. In this case,
that would be Ken Akamatsu for Love Hina, and White Wolf for Vampire.
"speech"
*emphasis/shouts/Kindred Domination/post-hypnotic triggers*
/thoughts/
*/telepathy/*
~translation~
+soundeffect/radio/telephone conversation/TV+
A lot of people consider it to be a crutch to use this kind of key, as
it should be obvious from context what type of speech is being used. I
personally don't have too much of a problem with it, but I think this
many is a bit much. You would probably do well to condense it to one or
two categories, as a substitute for the use of bold or italics, which
aren't really possible in plain text.
Anyways, I'll use the ever popular "before : after" form for simple
grammatical changes and the like.
--------------------------------------
Chapter One:
"Keitaro!" the howl rewerbed through the halls, rooms and corridors of
Hinata Sou, the occupants bracing themselves and preparing to hit the
floor should an SFO ( Screaming Flying Object ) suddenly come hurling in
their direction.
the howl : The howl
rewerbed : reverbed
halls, rooms and : halls, rooms, and
+CRASH+
Motoko was the one who got the dubious honor of having to move to avoid
getting hit as the blurred form of Urashima Keitaro came flying through
the wall of her room. She gracefully leaned aside to dodge him, without
opening her eyes or uncoiling from the Lotus position she was currently
seated in.
Motoko was the one who got the : Motoko had the
+CRASH+
Motoko opened her eyes and looked over her shoulder, glaring at the hole
in the wall through which Keitarou had exited and then forward, looking at
the hole through which he had entered.
Keitarou : Keitaro
Only the left half of his glasses were still there, the other half was
missing. He was covered with bruises, bumps, cuts, dust, blood and wooden
splinters. His left arm was bent at an unnatural angle and his ribs were
revealed to the naked eye since the skin and flesh that used to cover them
had been torn away along with his clothes.
I've always found this type of sudden application of realistic effects
to previously slapstick violence to be a bit annoying, personally.
Then again, since you have 11+ chapters written, it's probably too late
to change something important like this, so I'll say no more on the
subject. ;)
"Kei-kun!" she screamed, his features were completely unrecognizable, but
she just *knew* that it was him. Fear had stripped away the confused daze
at which she otherwise found herself, panic torn away hesitation and
determination focused her mind. "Haruka-san!" she howled, then pushed
herself onto her feet and took off at a run. In the sudden clarity of mind
which she was currently experiencing, she recalled an odd customer at
Haruka's tea shop which she'd seen Haruka talking with a few weeks earlier.
She knew hopeless when she saw it, Keitarou was far beyond conventional
medicine. As her feet took her at great speed closer to her target, she
knew that Keitarou was taking his last breath back at her appartment. The
only chance he now had of ever being able to get back to some semblance of
'life', was that odd customer.
A couple of Keitarou's here should be Keitaro. Both are probably
acceptable romanizations of the name, but you've used both, and should
stick with just one. Keitaro seems to be the standard one, anyway.
I won't make any further corrections on this, as a simple find and
replace should implement whatever solution you choose.
"Your services are no longer required and I consider you debt paid in
full. Now go." Haruka stated neutrally, her face once again an
expressionless mask which betrayed nothing of what she was really
thinking. She'd already managed to dig out a cigarette and lit it up,
puffing absently on the cancerstick as he regarded her undead nephew.
he : she
Hrm... overall comments... The premise itself is interesting enough, and
the writing is fairly good. I'm interested in seeing what happens
next, so I suppose its done its job as a first chapter. I'll have to
wait and see some of the next 10 chapters before I'll know whether
you're able to keep that interest. :)
I'm not going to do a line-by-line on your other two Love Hina fics, but
here are some general comments on each:
The Kanako Factor: I don't know whether Kanako is a canon character or
not, but in this chapter she comes off like a bad author-created
character. She helps Keitaro avoid most of the problems that set the
stage for the early story, and without new, different problems, I find
it hard to maintain any sort of interest in this one.
It's Not Enough: Don't really have much to say on this one, as it's set
significantly later in Love Hina than I have experience of. At first
glance, it seems fairly interesting, but it's really what happens
_after_ this that will make or break the fic.
And I believe that's all I have to say. Once again, all this is merely
my own opinion, so take it as you will.