Aaron Nowack wrote:
And here we go!
Standard C&C Disclaimer: All the below is my only occasionally useful
humble opinion, my only occasionally correct grammatical and spelling
corrections, and/or my only occasionally funny humor.
'Only occasionally'? I beg to differ!
I always find them amusing.
Ranma took an instinctive step back, wincing. "Um, Haruka-san, he does
need to be on in a few minutes," she warned.
Um... is something missing in between these two paragraphs?
Not exactly....
"Oh, right." Haruka removed her foot from the small of Keitaro's back,
where she had tripped him to the ground. "Break a leg."
Oh, ok.
Right; this could be kind of awkward, and I'm not sure I really pulled
it off. Does it work?
Disclaimer: Paints in this story are from Takahashi, Viz (Ranma 1/2),
TV Tokyo and Ken Akamatsu (Love Hina), and Tatsuya Egawa (Goldenboy).
The story of the heroic legend of Raiko and Sakata Kintoki as presented
here is public domain. The easel is mine. That's all.
Coming up next: "Fanfic in Crisis: Brushgate 2003!" - an Action News
special report.
A DR spokesperson was quoted as saying: "No comment" with regards to
this scandal.
When questioned, the DPR Joint Chiefs of Staff were heard to say, "No
comment."
The mystery continues, and now we cut to Mr. Nowack, with the sports
news. Mr. Nowack?
Suetake considered for a long moment, and crossed her arms over her
chest. "I think we should proceed to the town," she finally suggested.
"There, we can find more information, and restore our HPs."
*snort*
But what about their MPs? Huh?
No casters in the party. All fighters.
"Always," the Tsuchigumo returned. "But if you won't listen, then you
can never defeat me. Good will never triumph over evil without wisdom!"
He hopped over Kintaro and Tsuna's heads, breezed past Raiko, and
snatched the brown-haired young woman up easily. "Hah! Another, Raiko.
If you wish to free her, you must face me!"
Shouldn't Kintaro be Kintoki? Or am I having trouble keeping all the
names straight again...
You are correct, and I have erred. Considering the sheer volume of 'k'
names going through this play, I'm impressed.
"No! The real Sakata no Kintoki doesn't use a staff, he-- uh, she uses
an axe, a weapon so great and heavy that most men cannot even lift it,
for only Sakata no Kintoki is that strong."
Would these two make the he/she mistake? It seems to me that only
people who know Ranma well would... do they?
Or, wait, is the mistake due to the (presumably male?) Sakata no Kintoki
from the actual story?
They're going by the legends. Though, now there is an anime called Kai
Do Maru, about a girl named Kintoki....
Loosely based on the legend, but takes more liberties than Haruka did
with this play.
Kintoki and Tsuna exchanged a look, glanced down at their respective
chests as though to verify their genders, then shrugged blankly,
returning to their game of go.
"However," the narrator explained, "the Tsuchigumo's forces were not
very bright, so their disguises weren't very good."
*snicker*
Hehe. Trying to build on the idea that there was poor communication
between Haruka and the rest of the cast....
"Good suggestion, though," Kintoki added, playing another stone. "Atari!"
2600?
Sorry.
No worries -- I was kind of amused when I found out it was an actual Go
term.
"This just isn't our night," Haitani said quietly.
"I still blame Kintaro."
Should Kintaro be Keitaro?
It should. >_<
"Oh, save me," the Mutsumi said suddenly, smiling brightly. "I have a
child to look after."
Extraneous the.
Nonsense! There is only One True Mutsumi, and she is The Mutsumi!
... will revise.
Ranma managed to eke out an excited, "Aniki!" before scurrying to the
man's side, and pounding him on the back. "Aniki! How've you been!"
The plot thickens...
Not too many useful comments on this one, but it still looks good! I
continue to look forward to the next chapter.
Hey, thanks for the C&C, and as always, sorry for taking so long to
reply. :p